[Bernie529]

Hello

I've been reading the forums for awhile. This is a great place with very helpful topics. I'm very happy to find this site.

This is my story. My girlfriend Sasha (24) and I (32) were together for two years. We were very happy, without problems. I think it was a healthy relationship. I'm not the needy type of boyfriend and she was deeply in love with me. Everything was fine until last November when she was fired from her work (global financial crisis). During Christmas her dog got sick and died (he was 4 years old and she loved him very very much). Then during January she got pregnant. We didn't know it, and when she went to the doctor for some "stomach paint" he inform her about it. She decided to abort in February 17. This is a real shock for her. I accepted her decission, but she was very straight with it. Any of my points of view meant nothing for her. In addition she started to study again in December and she is really really busy with homework and projects.

During the days she was pregnant but we didn't know it (early February) she started to tell me that she needed space. She said that she was under pressure in our relationship. I didn't bealive it, this was a real shock for me. During December and January everything was fine, like always, we were very happy in our relationship. I made several mistakes during last days of February and March. I begged, calling millions times, sending 3 o 4 text messages a day... Sometimes (few times) she answered me telling that she was very busy with her projects. One day I was in her neighbourhood (I have a few friends over there) and I saw her. We talk few minutes and I act very cool and calm, with a smile in my face. But the next day she sent an angry message telling me that I was stalking her. It was a real sad situation.

I stopped contact her in March 22 (today is day 12 in my NC period), I started to having fun with my friends, I bought new clothes, I made a profile in a dating website... but this no contact thing is going to kill me. I'm always thinking about her... maybe she is with somebody new, but maybe not, because she aborted one month ago and she is very busy with her studies.

No contact is really driving me crazy. I don't know if I should contact her... I'm afraid of the "out of mind, out of sight" thing. But she didn't reply any of my sms or calls... I don't know what to do. I'm very afraid of loneliness.


Thanks for reading and thank you very much for your help and support.


Best regards,
Bernard

[Justwantfair]

Being afraid of loneliness is natural, but that is why NC is the best thing for you right now.

There isn't an "out of sight, out of mind" as you should see from your own reactions to the situation.

Although you described your relationship as happy, there were some serious issues going on. Her wanting space, your clinginess, an abortion. All of these are red flags for a failing relationship.

She has been through a very tramatic event, you need to give her time and space and worry about yourself. Although NC is difficult, it is the best thing for you and it will get easier with time. Just stay focused.

Start learning about yourself again. Continue having fun with your friends, don't worry about a dating service, it is too early to think about dating and you need to be worried about loving yourself single. Keep peeking around there are many wonderful threads that should help you support your decision as the healthy choice that it is.

[I wish]

Hi Bernard. I'm in a no contact phase as well and it's eating me up inside as well.

Keeping busy is good. Finding new hobbies. Watching TV. Seeing friends. I know that we can do a million things to distract yourselves, but there will always be moments that we'll think about them. We cannot distract yourselves 24 hours a day. We try our best.

One thing that is working for me is, I'm focusing on making myself a better person. I'm slowly emotionally detatching myself from the girl so that when we talk again, I will be more emotionally stable.

[talaniman]

Have you read the stickies at the beginning of this forum?

[none12345]

I, too is on NC and trust me it is hard as hell, but the longer you stay on NC the easier it gets but there will always be moments when its going to kill you to contact them, to check their myspace/facebook to see if they are with a new guy. You don't want to know how bad I want to check her Facebook to see what she is doing with the new guy she left me for but I know I need to have some self control. Its hard as hell man she was my first love but sometimes you got to do what you got to do and stick to NC find something distracting and tiring to do so when your done you can go to sleep and start all over tomorrow.

We won't always be lonely. There will always be friends and family who will be there for us no matter what and not leave us like our ex. They should be the ones that deserve our attention not her. We've been betrayed by our ex and the trust is broken. We thought they were loyal but they were willing to throw us away so fast. We deserve better than that man. Yah... don't be afraid to be alone. Im afraid too but I know I always have the support of people here and they are always willing to help us through it. We'll find someone new, someone better but in the mean time work on yourself to better yourself and do the things you want to do. Good luck - none12345

[needofhelp]

Bernard,

NC is the best thing right now. The fear of out of sight out of mind is natural, but if its true, is this girl really who you want to be with? Someone who was with you for two years, can forget about you because you're not constantly there?

NC is the hardest thing to do. I was there and was successful. I did not contact her once. I focused on healing, reconnecting with friends, picking up new things, some good, some not so good. Looking back at it now, 2 years ago, I wish I had used more of time on the good things.

Give her the space that she needs. It sounds like you haven't given it to her, to a point where she is claiming you are stalking her. That's not good.

"What is chased, runs"
"How can someone miss you, if you are always around, welcomed or not"

It doesn't matter what's she's doing. You need to focus on you. Don't feel like you are alone. We've all been there, so find solice and comfort that you are not alone in the emotions you are feeling at this moment. Look at this board. We all have or have had these feelings. We get over it, but you need to take the first step to do so.

Best of luck to you brother.

[Bernie529]

Thank you very much for all your responses. This is a great forum. I'm very lucky to find it.

@Justwantfair, I wish, None12345, Needofhelp: you made a very good points about the situation. Really appreciated. Big thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

@Talaniman: Yeah, I read the NC Rules and it was great to focus during this days. Thanks.


But, I have some news and I really need some help.

Today is day 14 in my No Contact phase and she send me a text message around 8:00pm. A simple "Did you call me right now?". Nothing else. I didn't reply. I prefer to wait until tomorrow or Monday to do it (if I sholud reply), I don't want to look needy and desperate. She sent me a silly question because, if I call her she can see my number in her mobile. And If I call her from another number (from a phone's friend or from a telephone cabin) she never can think that it's me calling. And, before I start No Contact I call her thousand times and she never reply, so why now she's so interested of knowing if I called her?

This sms means nothing, and I prefer don't start to be happy thinking in a second chance, but, I think that she sent me this message saying "Why you don't try to call me, or send me any message?" I suppose she wants to talk with me and she sent me this message to do it, but she don't want to leave her dumper position in the break up.

Let's see what's happen. I don't know if I shoul reply or not. I'll write a quick "No, it wasn't me. Hope you're alright. Regards". I prefer to maintain cool and strong. And I'll continue No Contact. If I have any chance to get back is in this way. If I start to cling around her everything is lost.

I was really really sceptical about the success of No Contact to make your ex contact you, although I know that No Contact is the best way to heal and move on. And I thought that I started No Contact too late, because I made all the typical mistakes (calling thousand times, billions text messages, begging) during nearly four weeks. So, No Contact works. It's the only way.

Well, I appreciate any suggestions or ideas. You really help me with your words.

Thanks again.

Best regards,
Bernard

[snow124]

This sms means nothing, and I prefer don't start to be happy thinking in a second chance, but, I think that she sent me this message saying "Why you don't try to call me, or send me any message?" I suppose she wants to talk with me and she sent me this message to do it, but she don't want to leave her dumper position in the break up.

Don't suppose that. Could've just been a random number that called her and she thought it might have been you, especially if earlier she thought you were stalking her. I say don't respond, if she asks again just say "no, I didn't."

[Bernie529]

Thanks for your advice. Now I think it was a mistake to reply her messages, but I don't want look like a jerk...

After receive her sms I waited two days to reply her. It was a quick text message: "No, I didn't call you. Everything's fine?. Regards". I don't wanted to look emotionally weak or needy. Just nice and casual. She replyed me three minutes after I sent her the message! Three minutes! It was a long message telling me that she had a missed call in her phone and didn't know who it is. I can not understand why it was so important if it was me or not. One month ago I was calling her thousand times and she never replyed. Anyway, she told in the sms that she has a lot of projects in the college and she has no time for anything. She ended the message asking about me and with a simple "regards".

I decided to wait some time to reply her again. But I didn't want to look that I'm playing games with her, so I wait one day to reply her. It was another quick, nice and casual sms "Everything's great here, thanx. Your college projects look exciting. Regards".

She has not reply this message. And I'm not going to contact her because and don't want to play this "push and pull" game that girls love to play with ex boyfriends. I stay in my no contact attitude. But one week after the messages no contact is more painful.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Best regards,
Bernard

[snow124]

I've been another eight days no contact and it's easier now.

[stillfading]

day 7 for me man don't fall victim to those texts. I got them asking some random question about car insurance from her. Totally irrelevant and just a way to suck you back in