[rock2020cs]

Alright-
Never asked for advice on stuff like this but find myself in a situation that I have delt with before and handled it the right way. My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 6months and in the beginning of the relationship didn't care too much for her so treated her basically like crap for the first 4months. She always stayed and wondered if she was crazy but said she was in love w me and sees a person in me that she wants and hopes comes out one day. 1 day she finally said maybe we should be friends after me treating her like crap one morning we talked it out(not convincing her) decided to give it a chance. It's been a month now and everything has been much better but she finally opened to me about certin times of depression and sadness she gets overcome with. I as a male pushed for answers and said I think we should break up so she can figure out what she wants in her life, she told me over and over that it isn't the relationship it's her trying to find herself again and retain the goals and things she did prior to meeting me, she said she was so consumed with me she forgot about hereself, hence needing space not a "break" she said her depression has made her distant from everything and can't give me answers. She also mentioned in our last conversation that she is thinking about us, and feels like friends sometimes, and wonders if our getting together in the beginning was just a moment of two people needing each other. Hmm at that point I don't to refer to sites like this to know the answer to that, as I stood up and heard that I replied by telling her we should not go out anymore peroid if that's the way she felt, she replied with no because at the same time she cares very much for me, loves me and knows it's worse without me with her. She is a very independent women and was single for a year before meeting me so I know it's not a comfort thing for her, but I did tell her that, that she felt that way because she did't want to disrupt the comfort in her life she told me no not at all and that I have just been suffacating her trying to figure out what's wrong her and how to fix it, hence once again space. I've read a lot of "answers" to this and know what many of you are going to say, but our space has consisted of a day or two for her just to do the things she wants in her life, play softball, catch up with family, hang with a friend or so, just sit at home w herself and do whatever etc, rest of the time (by her doing) we talk, text, stay over each others homes, are very sexual still all by her doing. We last had a wonderful Easter together and felt connected with her once again. I've given her her space and have gone and done things not showing I'm worried about it and she seems to want us business as usal as long as I don't smother her and let her have her "days" things have been good. I pretty much know the answer but would enjoy feedback from people, especially women. Also, I am 38 and she is 32, both been through BS so are pretty mature to know what each other wants in their lives. Thanks

[taoplr]

Like all males, you are trained to solve problems. She doesn't need you to solve hers. First of all, you can't; only she can. It's not the job of a boyfriend so give that one up right away. Just show up.

Second, she doesn't want you to "fix" her; she wants you to be a friend, lover, and playmate who stands by her while she goes through her stuff. Like most females, she wants you to listen, to pay attention, and to be a fair and friendly witness to her process, some of which is about depression and sadness. It is hard for most guys, but easier than you are making it.

Her self-management method (getting adequate alone time and space) works for her. Let it be. That she is taking a risk on you after you treated her like crap, and the fact that she sees something extraordinary emerging in you one day says: Be a good boyfriend to this person and give her the proximity needs to grow. Not too close and not too far.

You might also look into your mindset and behavior. How ready are you to give this woman what she needs, given what she needs is not typical of your habit? Can you be comfortable with this much distance? Do you love her? Can you love her?

She's got work to do, and so do you.

~
To find a person who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness. -Robert Brault (1938- )

[I wish]

Taopir said it all, she doesn't need you to solve her problems, she just needs you to be there for her to support her.

I'm confused as to why you said you treated her so badly? Do you even love her? If you're not considerate about her feelings, why did you drag the relationship out for so long?

Is it possible that you were both getting lonely and just happen to find each other?

I had a similar girlfriend. She said the same things, she had her issues and it got between our relationship. I wasn't able to handle her problems because it seemed like she was going in circles. I just wanted to help her solve her problems, but that's not the way it works.

I think it's time to move on, unless you have the time and patience to wait it out. Let her find herself before she can be the girlfriend that you want, but you will have to give her space.