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sfqt33 · Sep 14, 2006, 08:44 AM

Hi everyone,
It's been a few months but, I'm back. As most of you know I broke up with my needy, possessive girlfriend a while back. It has been difficult for me. I'm not used to being single but, I know if I hook up with someone else right now, I won't be taking care of me. Anyway, she is not leaving me alone. She is calling my job and came over a few weeks ago banging on my door and windows. I know she is hurting but, I'm not the one who can help her through this. She claims I abandoned her and her crazy kids. That hurts. I know she constantly plays the victim.
Anyway, I am feeling lonely too. I miss being in a relationship and having someone to call and talk to. Someone always there to do activities with and to call when I need support. Although I am in a few 12 step groups sometimes, it's just that emotional connection I miss. I know I am being tested right now, to get through this difficult time. I know I could pick up the phone and start the dysfunctional cycle with her all over again. The truth is, I don't love her or want her. I just feel empty and lost right now.
I need advise from you all on how to keep moving through this without giving into her. Thanks everyone for being here : )

ilovcali · Sep 14, 2006, 11:14 AM

Everyone who had a recent break-up misses the closeness. Unless they have no heart or conscience, everyone misses it. You're like everyone else. Some people miss it so much, they go back to something that was bad.

You broke-up with her. What is worse, being lonely and dealing with your lonliness, or being with someone who is needy and possessive who will cause you more grief again later?

Clearly, your ex has not changed. She's even clingy after you guys have broken-up. If you're so lonely, call your friends. Go out. Do something.

Personally right now, I do go out some, but being alone and digesting my pain and dealing with it is what I need to do. The pain and lonliness are immense, but sometimes you have to face that as well, in trying to move on.

When my break first happened, I was going out a lot, even went on a few dates. Now, 2 months later, I'm going out less. I'm still in pain, but I'm now dealing with my own pain. I don't talk about the ex with anyone anymore.

People never like feeling pain. You have too. I hate the pain, I wish tomorrow I wake up and it's gone. I hope so. But my ex is not going to be able to take it away. It would only be temporary. Same with you.

mysticque · Sep 14, 2006, 11:31 AM

Very good approach cali, I was going to give positve feeback. Guess I made so many mad and now I have to spread my unconvincing love. You face your own fear in order for it stop from haunting you. Letting go of yourself freely will give you more wisdom.

sphyncx · Sep 14, 2006, 01:14 PM

Yes get out more to get your mind off these things. Who knows maybe you'll find someone else that is better for you while doing so. She clearly has not changed the least bit, and you shouldn't feel guilty at all. After all, you come first not her.

sfqt33 · Sep 14, 2006, 01:52 PM

Thank you everyone,
I think the hardest thing is thinking that I am single and worried about Holidays and the future. I do know however, for me to get back together with her and or find someone else right away would end up in misery.
I know I have to be OK with me first before I can have a healthy loving relationship. I just feel somewhat empty and find myself wanting to call her to ease the pain. Help, I need other options and what about the no contact thing?

JoeCanada76 · Sep 14, 2006, 02:22 PM

I know this may cost money. What you need to do is change your phone number. That is just a start. I know she is hurting and you are hurting as well. At the same time she keeps banging on your doors and windows and even calling your work which intern can cause trouble for you. I would suggest you get a restraining order. That is just my advice. It might sound funny but it would be for the best.

Joe

talaniman · Sep 14, 2006, 03:19 PM

Run from this pscho and protect yourself and stay with your program, just that simple. If the police have to be involved so be it. I think obsessed people like this can turn dangerous so always watch your back and good luck with your program.

J_9 · Sep 14, 2006, 03:23 PM

I have to agree with Tal and Joe here. This could turn dangerous. We are not saying it will, but by the sound of your post it sounds possible.

s_cianci · Sep 14, 2006, 06:00 PM

How about family and friends? They're always good people to call and talk to when you need support. That's a very normal need you have but you don't need a relationship to do it. Keep working on you like you said. Go out and do the things you enjoy doing, with your friends as well as by yourself. Take up a new hobby or dust off an old one. Take a class or a vacation. You'll meet new people and make new friends. Then you won't feel so needy of a "relationship."

sfqt33 · Sep 15, 2006, 07:53 AM

Thanks again for all the excellent advise. Here's another question... What do I do when she is texting me and saying she is hurting,sad etc. I feel bad and sometimes respond. I really want to stop and start to heal but, I allow her to "Hook me in", over and over. I know I need to stop all contact but, it's difficult. Will this just keep the unhealthy cycle to continue? Now she wants to be friends.

mysticque · Sep 15, 2006, 08:14 AM

Do you have automatic ignore list or auto eject button sitting somewhere behind your ear?

talaniman · Sep 15, 2006, 08:39 AM

If you always give in to her sob stories you will always get them to get your attention. No contact with her period, hopefully she will get the message, but it starts witth YOU.

sfqt33 · Oct 24, 2006, 06:36 AM

Hi everyone,
Well, it's been a few months now since I broke up with my psysco girlfriend. I ended up having to get a restraining order after she destroyed my property. She came to my house and the police ended up taking her away. It was a lot of drama. Anyway, she has left me alone now and my question is : Why do I feel so empty? I have never been single for more than 4-5 months in whole adult life. I am now in my 40ties. I know it's time to find me but, I get somewhat nervous. I know if I hook up with someone right now, it won't work. But, the pain is so difficult sometimes, I just want to "fill in that hole".
I want to stay single and focus on me but, it's really uncomfortable. I tried to go out with someone last week and I was so uncomfortable and disconnected. Thank you ahead of time for your advise.

Krs · Oct 24, 2006, 06:49 AM

Well you need to find out how to fill that emptiness up and that does not mean necessarily finding a partner.
1. Finding yourself.
2. Finding a hobby.
3. Enjoy quality time alone.
4. Enjoy spending time with friends and family
5. Concenrate on your career.

I could keep going :)

valinors_sorrow · Oct 24, 2006, 06:59 AM

I am sorry for your traumatic encounter. I remember your posts from that. As crazy as this sounds... it really does work that "that hole" you speak of can be like a magnet for people like your former girlfirend so it is wise to be trying to do something about it. With all due respect to Krs's post, I would be willing to bet (if you are empty like I have been) that you do some of that list already and the emptiness remains totally unaffected.

If so, it may be that you need a little professional help in the "find yourself" process. What is required to help in circumstances like this is far beyond what is possible here at AMHD. I'd like to stress that people don't go to counselors because they are somehow broken or mentall ill, they go because they are regular folk stuck in some aspect of their development and facing a life problem they don't know how to solve. I wish more people would go -- the world would be a better place! LOL A good counselor helps you navigate getting unstuck, doing the task you need to and sending you on your way. It can and often is quite pleasant or so I have often found it to be. And the outcome can be pretty spectacular too. There is really nothing to fear and I would be happy to answer more questions about it or give some advice on how to find a good one, if you're interested.

You are so in touch with your feelings (one third the task) and telling yourself the truth (another third of the task) that I bet whoever you see will thoroughly enjoy working with you! If you aren't sure what to say in your first session, ask them if what I conjectured in the beginning of this post about holes and magnets is accurate. LOL Besides, they know what to say on a first session too.

Don't delay. Its one of those things that, in looking back, you'll be not only glad you did but wished you had sooner.

sfqt33 · Oct 24, 2006, 07:07 AM

Thanks, yes, I am seeing a counselor and looking at this stuff. The thing is, I know if I get into another relationship the pain won't be so bad. But, then I loose me again and really it's only putting a band aid on the problem. I still don't have me and I know I would cling onto that person and only prolong this process.

Krs · Oct 24, 2006, 07:09 AM

Put relationships at the back of your mind right now, you are not ready and prepared for it and if so you are wanting a relationship for the wrong reasons, you said it yourself.. the pain wont be so bad.
You won't be healing your pain that way just surpressing it.

valinors_sorrow · Oct 24, 2006, 07:22 AM

Originally Posted by sfqt33

Thanks, yes, I am seeing a counselor and looking at this stuff. The thing is, I know if I get into another relationship the pain won't be so bad. But, then I loose me again and really it's only putting a band aid on the problem. I still don't have me and I know I would cling onto that person and only prolong this process.

You are dead on the money about the band-aid thing. Hmmmm, your counselor should be helping you with that and if they aren't, get a new one! There are good ones and bad ones out there. If you don't experience some sense of relief or if you don't see yourself making progress over oh let's say ten visits then you need to see someone else. My take on how to gauge a good one is this:

I need to be largely comfortable and yet a little uncomfortable with who I see and this is why... comfortable so I can reveal and really talk openly but a little uncomfortable which is a good indication they can get me in my bs, which is also very needed.

If I may ask, how long have you been seeing them?

Wildcat21 · Oct 24, 2006, 08:33 AM

Questions - do you exercise? Do you eat properly and take vitamins? Very important.

Do you love yourself? Do you enjoying being alone?

I need my down time a lot. I can hang with myself and be happy as a clam.

sfqt33 · Oct 24, 2006, 09:29 AM

Yes, I exercise. At times I enjoy my own company but, I find myself " running" mostly on the weekends. Part of my sick thinking tells me, " well she wasnt' that bad", yes she was messed up but, I always had someone to do things with and love me.
I know sounds crazy but I want to get better, and to get better, I need to be honest here.
I do have a great counselor who really makes me look at all this. As uncomfortable as it is, I know I know I cannot go find a rebound relationship.
Yes, it would take me out of me, temporarily but, than what. I pick another psyco girlfriend and I have to get a restraining order. The cycle is unhealthy. I want to get better, to where I don't need a relationship at all. Especially right now. But, I feel sad and lost also.