[Lonesome42]

Hello,

I will try to make a long story short here. My 33 year old boyfriend left his home and moved in with me back in Nov. of 2008. He moved over 800 miles to be with me, we met over the internet. He is a recovering alcoholic and has not touched it since 2007 after it put him in the hospital nearly killing him. Before moving here he was living with his mother and grandmother because he says he is unable to work and is applying for disability. I support him 100% financially.

He claims that due to his health he is not really interested in sex. Since he has been here it seems that as long as he is the one who is getting all the pleasure orally then he is fine, but he will not pleasure me at all, NONE! I have almost begged him and we have talked and argued about this until I'm blue in the face. He is an excellent partner in every other way, but I can't live for the rest of my life with out sex.. I asked if he could at least help me out once a month, but he won't. He says that sex is the last thing on his mind, but when it is him getting all of the attention he has no problems. It is now April and back in Jan he stopped sleeping with me claiming I toss and turn too much in my sleep. He sleeps in another room with a single bed.

He says I'm sex crazed and that I am the one who is wrong. I feel horrible about myself because I feel he is not attracted to me, which he says is not the case.. I told him that this was going to end our relationship eventually but he seems like he does not care. I also feel like I'm being used because I support him 100%. I buy his cigarettes, food, pay medical expenses, and medications which he was not getting back home because his own family would not do it for him. Before he came here he felt good enough to be able to mow grass for money so he could WALK to the store to get his cigarettes. But it is funny he does not feel good enough to do something for me once in a while. It is all I ask from him really is intimacy once in a while. Help! What do I do? Am I really a bad person for wanting a little attention once in a while.. Everything I'm telling here is exactly how this situation is... I just don't know what to do..

[smoothy]

I see a lot of red flags here... not just a couple.

First what is his disability... or is it just laziness. From your description that's it in a nutshell. And Perhaps they knew the real story which is why they wouldn't do it for him. Being you only knew him online before you ever got to know the real him I'm betting you saw in him only what you wanted to see in him... and are only now are you beginning to see what others see about him.

Personally I don't like what I've heard so far and the FIRST thing that pops into my mind is he found a sugar momma to support his habits while he lounges around all day chain smoking cigarettes.

[Justwantfair]

Why is he receiving oral pleasure?

I think that while you are saying he is a wonderful boyfriend in every other way, he is not contributing to the relationship financially, physically or emotionally... what other ways are there to be a good boyfriend?

[Lonesome42]

I see a lot of red flags here....not just a couple.

First what is his disability....or is it just lazyness. From your description thats it in a nutshell. And Perhaps they knew the real story which is why they wouldn't do it for him.

Personally I don't like what I've heard so far and the FIRST thing that pops into my mind is he found a sugar momma to support his habits while he lounges around all day.

He does have many health issues, this I do know for a fact. He just got a copy of his records from a hospital where he spent a month, about 3,500 pages of records. He has been to see the doctor a few times. He was diagnosed back in Oct of 2007 with cronic pancreatitus, IBS, and a few other internal issues. Like I said, he is fine if it is him who is recieveing all the loving. I've told him I feel like I'm being used, but nothing changes.. Yes, I feel like a sugar momma..

[Lonesome42]

Why is he receiving oral pleasure?

I think that while you are saying he is a wonderful boyfriend in every other way, he is not contributing to the relationship financially, physically or emotionally... what other ways are there to be a good boyfriend?

I know what you are saying, and I would agree with you normally, but I knew he was sick before he came here. So, I'm not and can't really complain about him not supporting himself financially.. I knew this before he came here.. I did not know that I would have to beg for attention.

[Justwantfair]

Ok, but you are still not getting what you need physically or emotionally... so that heightens the fact that you aren't getting financial assistance. You are partcipating in a one sided relationship, for what purpose.

Tell him to move back home with his mother, you aren't going to change these behaviors in him. Do this for your future, why look back and wonder why you wasted all that time, money and energy on something without a future.

[Lonesome42]

Ok, but you are still not getting what you need physically or emotionally... so that heightens the fact that you aren't getting financial assistance. You are partcipating in a one sided relationship, for what purpose.

Tell him to move back home with his mother, you aren't going to change these behaviors in him. Do this for your future, why look back and wonder why you wasted all that time, money and energy on something without a future.

BINGO! You hit it right on the head.. I did not mind the financial issues at first as long as everything else was in place, but now that it seems that he is not attracted to me I am starting to feel really used. Deep inside I know what I should really do. I guess I just need a few good kicks and hear it from other people.

[Wondering24]

I know what you are saying, and I would agree with you normally, but I knew he was sick before he came here. So, I'm not and can't really complain about him not supporting himself financially.. I knew this before he came here.. I did not know that I would have to beg for attention.

What you knew before he came there is that he didn't work 'for a living' but he could still mow grass etc to get money... and now it appears that he's not doing that much? There are SO many loving, more deserving men out there (on the internet as well!) who would give their left ____ (fill in your own blank) for someone like you! Don't let this guy walk all over you... if you're feeling used that should be your own flag that goes up telling you something isn't right. Disabled/sick or not, that's no excuse for neglecting someone who so obviously cares for you. As far as sex and intimacy goes: refuse to do anything for him until at the very least he can reciprocate. Or better yet, send him back home, move on with your life, and find someone who really does deserve you. You can do it!

[smoothy]

He does have many health issues, this I do know for a fact. He just got a copy of his records from a hospital where he spent a month, about 3,500 pages of records. He has been to see the doctor a few times. He was diagnosed back in Oct of 2007 with cronic pancreatitus, IBS, and a few other internal issues. Like I said, he is fine if it is him who is recieveing all the loving. I've told him I feel like I'm being used, but nothing changes.. Yes, I feel like a sugar momma..

None of those above mentioned maladies preludes him from holding a job. I know people with those very issues and unless they told you, you would not know they had issues, as they hold full time times AND raise a family at the same time.

Part of what I was getting at was some lazy people try to milk whatever is wrong with them for all its worth. They play the victim card for all its worth. And many of us have medical issues of one sort or other, most of us don't try to use them to get over on others. Near my office I see several para and quadrapalegics working daily. I see them going to their office and going home in their motorized wheelchair, a man and a woman. If they can work, anyone can work. And getting off his butt and doing something other than complain and play the "Poor me" card. That's why his family wouldn't do it for him... they knew what he was doing... you are only just beginning to see for yourself.

I have no doubts at all how this all makes you feel. After all He is a taker... you are a giver.

[bronzebabe]

Smoothy is right, none of the ailments you disclosed here would keep him from getting a job. The fact is, he doesn't WANT to work, and he isn't going to. He also isn't going to please you. He has made it clear in his actions that he will not do for you. You are letting him take advantage of you, and you need to stop. Time for him to go.

[Lonesome42]

What you knew before he came there is that he didn't work 'for a living' but he could still mow grass etc to get money... and now it appears that he's not doing that much? There are SO many loving, more deserving men out there (on the internet as well!) who would give their left ____ (fill in your own blank) for someone like you! Don't let this guy walk all over you... if you're feeling used that should be your own flag that goes up telling you something isn't right. Disabled/sick or not, that's no excuse for neglecting someone who so obviously cares for you. As far as sex and intimacy goes: refuse to do anything for him until at the very least he can reciprocate. Or better yet, send him back home, move on with your life, and find someone who really does deserve you. You can do it!

He does clean up inside the house.. Here lately though I've come home and nothing has been done all day while I'm at work. Now I have to ask him to do things around the house for me. Just the other day I left a list for the first time. The list said this exactly, " please take out the trash, clean up the floors a little, especially in the bathroom and wash the dishes for me.. Don't worry about dinner tonight I'll get that.. Thamks love you.. " We have a very small place so it is not much for him to do.. I do not ask much of him. I've even setteled on the idea that I will be the one who has to mow the grass all this summer because he will not feel like it and he has hinted at that already.

[Justwantfair]

You are wasting time.

You deserve better.

[Lonesome42]

None of those above mentioned maladies preludes him from holding a job. I know people with those very issues and unless they told you, you would not know they had issues, as they hold full time times AND raise a family at the same time.

Part of what I was getting at was some lazy people try to milk whatever is wrong with them for all its worth. They play the victim card for all its worth. And many of us have medical issues of one sort or other, most of us don't try to use them to get over on others. Near my office I see several para and quadrapalegics working daily. I see them going to their office and going home in their motorized wheelchair, a man and a woman. If they can work, anyone can work. And getting off his butt and doing something other than complain and play the "Poor me" card. Thats why his family wouldn't do it for him....they knew what he was doing....you are only just beginning to see for yourself.

I have no doubts at all how this all makes you feel. After all He is a taker....you are a giver.

I agree with you here 100% and I have been thinking the very same thing.. I guess I've been holding on to his many promises of how things will be different when he gets better and when he gets his disability.. I feel like once he gets his disability he will be gone.

Oh and he also lied to me recently as well. Apparently his ex called his mother recently and he then tried to call her from here. He *67 the number so that it hid our number on her caller ID... I did not know who the number on the redial list belonged to at first but I did a little investigating and I looked it up and I noticed it was to her old hometown so I looked up even more info and to my surprise, it was his ex. I later asked him who he was trying to call in that town and he said it was an old friend, and I asked him if he often hid the number he was calling from when he called his "friend".. I then told him straight out that he was lying.. He started crying and apologized over and over that he should not have lied, then said he lied because he knew I'd make a big deal out of nothing, that he was just wondering why she was calling his mother.

I only started checking on his calls after he started checking on me and my cell phone..
He wants me to get him minutes on his cell phone. HA! Not going to happen!

[Ren6]

Please send him packing back home to his mommy.

When you're romantically involved with somebody, you have an expectation that the individual will sleep with you on a regular basis. It's not like you're asking for the world. Like Smoothy, I don't buy that the guy is unable to work. There is so much wrong with this scenario. I just really hope you get him out of your home and your life.

[Lonesome42]

You are wasting time.

You deserve better.

Yes, I agree with you.. Oh and to answer your question from earlier... No, he no longer gets anything sexual from me at all.. I stopped acting like a fool back when he quit sleeping with me in Jan.. So we have done nothing since Jan. I'm not an unattractive woman.. I have a couple of extra pounds and I'm a little older than him, but he acts as though I'm totally gross.. I've never had this issue with anyone in the past ever. A few months before him I was dating a man a little younger than him who was very attracted to me. So, I'm positive it is not me, but it still makes me feel horribly unattractive..

[Lonesome42]

Please send him packing back home to his mommy.

When you're romantically involved with somebody, you have an expectation that the individual will sleep with you on a regular basis. It's not like you're asking for the world. Like Smoothy, I don't buy that the guy is unable to work. There is so much wrong with this scenario. I just really hope you get him out of your home and your life.

Thanks Ren! I'm going to soon look into sending him back..

[Lonesome42]

Smoothy is right, none of the ailments you disclosed here would keep him from getting a job. The fact is, he doesn't WANT to work, and he isn't going to. He also isn't going to please you. He has made it clear in his actions that he will not do for you. You are letting him take advantage of you, and you need to stop. Time for him to go.

I know all of you are right about this guy.. I feel like a total idiot for putting up with him for this long..

[Justwantfair]

I know all of you are right about this guy.. I feel like a total idiot for putting up with him for this long..

That feeling will only get worse the longer you do put up with it.

[Lonesome42]

That feeling will only get worse the longer you do put up with it.

I know you are right.. Well I'm getting off work here in a little bit and will try to get back online when I get home.. I'm sure (as always) he will be in the bed when I get home. He stays in the bed watching TV all day smoking and snacking.. This is the nightmare boyfriend situation for sure!! What have I done? I'm going to try to not stress and just laugh at myself for letting this happen.. He's a loser from hoosier that is for sure..! I guess it runs in the family though. His father still lives with his mother and his mother lives with her mother.. Oh and it gets worse with his family but I'll stop there..

[smoothy]

Well as long as his name isn't on the lease... toss his lazy but out. If it is look into the legal options to toss him out.

You well be happier in the long run. Plenty of guys out there that aren't lazy to pick from.