[Dorkenmore]

Hey there, I'm 19 and my girlfriend is 18. Before I get to the question you might want to know a little bit about my situation. Before my girlfriend and I started dating, we were best friends. We hung out with a group of friends every other weekend and always had each other to confide in. For the past 3 years before we started dating, I had a few girlfriends and she had a couple boyfriends. Though we never formally announced it, my current girlfrriend and I always meant more to each other than just friends, as we've now discussed, but never announced it because we didn't want to hurt the relationship with our other friends. I always cared about her and we helped each other through our other relationships if things got bad. Both relationships she had turned out badly and she was hurt by both of them. While mine went poorly, nothing that scarred me too heavily happened. About 4 months ago, we had fun evening together and we couldn't just deny how we felt about each other. We ended up together, and things seemed to be going all right.

Here's my problem. We both feel like we've been dating for quite some time because of the way we felt for each other before-hand. This scares her a bit in the fact that not all too long ago she was hurt emotionally by her last boyfriend, about 4 months before we started going out. She means the world to me, and I would never dream of hurting her or betraying her in any way. Because she always confided in me, I helped her through her last relationship, so I know exactly what her boyfriend was doing to push her away and make her feel as hurt as she was. She tells me time and time again that she believes that I won't hurt her, but she has a distinct fear of becoming serious, as her last boyfriends both betrayed her when they got more serious. We've been open enough to talk about this, so at least I know that she trusts me in that regard. She says that she is having problems becoming "emotionally attached," as she thinks it is because of past relationships. Normally I would just tell myself to "give it time," but she tells me that she isn't sure if she will ever be able to heal from it to a point where she can fully trust me. She wants to trust and love me but she doesn't know how. She feels like if she does, something will go wrong. This brings us to another issue. Noting all this, because of the way I feel about her, she has got the mindset of "If I never truly fall in love with you, it will crush you, and I don't want to hurt you." I am completely willing to take the chance with this girl, and I want to treat her right, but I don't what to say to insure her that things will be all right. Does anyone have any ideas of what to do?

Sorry for the long post, and thanks so much.

[ibrown]

My advice is that you are still young and need to get to know yourselves better.Give each other space but still converse if possible and see how it goes.

[CallMeBel]

I think you should still see each other but it doesn't have to be so serious. Just hang out and have fun and date. If she isn't willing to take the chance and staying with you, then there is not much more you can do. All you can really tell her is how you will never do something that happened in her past relationships. She should trust you since you have been close to her for so long. I hope this works out for you!

[mandyforp]

I understand what you're going through... I've been through a very similar situation. So let me tell you what I think:

1) Don't push it. I remember when this happened to me, he pushed it and I felt trapped... So I felt like we had to end things before it got out of control. Just be cool about it and tell her that it's okay, you understand, and ask her how SHE wants to proceed. And if she doesn't know, then suggest this: that you take it slow, keep on dating and STOP worrying, just let it happen naturally.

2) Make her feel safe and loved, but don't be "all over her"... This will scare her. I sure know it scared me! So keep things a little lighter.

3) Just be her best friend, you know. Be her boyfriend, but MOST OF ALL, be her best friend. This will reassure her.

BE CAREFUL with one thing... If she openly tells you "this isn't going to work", just BACK OFF. Say "Okay, I wish we could be together, but if that's how you feel then I won't push it. And I will ALWAYS be your friend".
After that, just keep on being her friend, the way you used to do.
If this happens and you act the way I'm telling you to, it's a 90% chance that she'll want you back at some point.

Honestly, the key here is not to force her or push her to do anything at all.

Hope it helped!