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tirednhurt86 · Sep 8, 2006, 04:22 PM

I don't mean this superficially at all because I by no means judge on looks, but I have a question... why do some men cheat down or go out with a girl who is looks wise less than his last girlfriend? By that I mean with a girl who is not as good looking as his ex or his current girlfriend if he is cheating. I know its not all about looks so maybe that's why but lets say that the good looking girl is a good person as well- why would a guy go for a girl who is not attractive on the outside and isn't a good person? I am pretty sure my ex is going after this girl that I was once mutually friends with and she is very unattractive- and not just to me, to lots of people. I really don't mean this in a negative way so please do not take this wrong... im just curious, is it that they want a different personality type or is it something more? And I don't mean to offend anyone by this or for this to come out wrong because my ex is not a looker at all himself, but I just wanted to hear others opinions on this matter.

Fr_Chuck · Sep 8, 2006, 04:42 PM

I have come to believe some men cheat because they breathe or just because they are men. If something wears a skirt and looks like a girl they are liable to sleep with it.

This sounds hard, but after years of watching our society, and esp those that mix drinking heavy with the idea of having fun, the amount of drinking and the amount of common sense go down at about the same level.

JoeCanada76 · Sep 8, 2006, 10:26 PM

Hello, I know exactly what your saying. I could not say for sure why this does happen, and yes I do believe it happens. It is not necessarily about the outside appearance, or short skirts or it is not about that father chuck in my opinion. I personally believe that it has a lot to do with personality. Being able to click emotionally to someone. So maybe the man is lacking emotional support from his mate and that leads him to find it in somebody else..

Joe

chuff · Sep 9, 2006, 02:09 AM

While I've dated both women that many considered unattractive and women that many considered very attractive. In the end it comes down to a personality or connection with someone. Also, at least from my perspective a woman that doesn't complain and is generally a happy person I've always found to be extremely attractive no matter what they looked like.

talaniman · Sep 9, 2006, 04:52 AM

Who can say what goes on in the mind of a cheater. There a half a bubble off anyway.

kp2171 · Sep 9, 2006, 06:47 AM

I dated a girl just out of college, she was still in school. When we got together I knew shed had a reputation for being a hell raiser. She didn't really sleep around... shed had a serious, monogamous relationship that went south... but she also was kind of a party girl, a fun flirt, and loved attention. So I knew when we started dating I was pretty much taking known risks.

She liked me enough for some time to be faithful. After a year or so, though, I knew she was getting anxious to play again. Our relationship wasn't bad, and she seemed to have a lot of fun... but she wanted simply to experience other people. Her plan was to not get too attached, work in the DEA until she was tired of being in firefights (the girl was told she had "sniper vision" when she worked with the local DEA's office) after a dozen years, and then, if she was still alive and kicking, shed plant some roots down.

Why is this at all relevant to this post? Well, the first person she cheated on me with was her boss... she didn't sleep with him, but fooled around enough for it to be an issue. A guy who was 20 years older and really not the most handsome guy around. He wasn't flat out ugly, but id expect most 20 something's wouldn't be attracted. I think it was a personality thing... she got a charge from this guy who lived this life she wanted, and also I think she was just wired differently than me.

My only rule with her was if she decided to stray, to be up front and tell me about it. I knew it was going to end at some point, I just didn't want to find out after shed slept with some guy. After I found out she had later slept with some different guy it was over over over.

So you're probably not going to get an answer you can understand fully, cause a cheater is just wired differently. If the person they are cheating with isn't attractive, then they are running off the excitement of sneaking or they just cannot figure out what they want so they bounce around.

jgj6331 · Sep 9, 2006, 07:01 AM

Who wouldn't prefer to be with someone they connect with on a deeper level - regardless of looks (well, to an extent - I am a man... ). Personally, I'd prefer an average-looking woman who I can really talk with - who shares similar interests and goals - to some bleach-blonde bimbo with the IQ of a damp mop. When the hot sex and passion cools off - and it eventually will - the bimbo loses all her attraction.

talaniman · Sep 9, 2006, 11:53 AM

But God didn't make any ugly women, but some are so dumb. They say there is somebody for everybody.

valinors_sorrow · Sep 9, 2006, 05:06 PM

It has to do with self esteem more than looks. My brother has a distinct pattern... attractive, then unattractive, then attractive, etc. It has to do with what shape his ego is in and who he needs at the moment. He would like to hold his own with the attractive, successful women but can't (for some very serious reasons that are best summed up as he is too emotionally damaged) and so he always has to seek that ego fix with the one who would worship him until he can throw her away and go for the prize (again). He was with them only because they make him feel good. It's sick, but it is real and it occurs in greater or lessor degrees with other men who are damaged too. Fortunately Fr Chuck is wrong and not all men are like this.

tirednhurt86 · Sep 9, 2006, 05:06 PM

Thanks for all your input. I got a lot of ideas. I asked this question- 1- because I'm curious and 2- because I think my ex is trying to get with this girl who is not attractive in the least and I was just wondering why he would leave someone like me- I have a future and goals and I'm also attractive ( I don't mean that conceitedly), and go for someone less than that? This new girl was a mutual-ish friend and she is not only unattractive, but vulgar, nasty and just plain disgusting and she is dirty, sleeps around, and has no future in mind-Im like the other end of the spectrum- I'm classy, clean and takes pride in my appearance- so I was just wondering why he would want the next girl to be a 360 turn? Im not even sure if they will ever date but I just had this feeling and he never cheated on me ever, but I was just curious as to why that occurred with others relationships. But all of your ideas were helpful I guess he might want something completely opposite this time?

Skell · Sep 10, 2006, 06:39 PM

Well the good things is that if your ex is willing to settle for someone as bad as you say this girl is then it proves what type of person your ex is and that you are better off without him.
But who really cares what he wants now. As much as it probably hurts he might like this girl. So it doesn't matter what you or anyone else thinks of her. Sorry, I know that isn't a nice thought as I shudder to think of the day I see my ex with someone else but it is something we just have to live with unfortunately.
So stuff him. Don't worry why he is doing things. You cont control what he is thinking or doing. BUt you can control what your thinking and doing. So keep thinking and doing things that help you.
Let him make his own mistakes and the less time thought about him now the better.

valinors_sorrow · Sep 10, 2006, 06:54 PM

Here is the thing about those kinds of questions you are asking... they are designed to keep the "plate spinning on the stick"-- they are a way to keep an active dialogue going about HIM, your object of obsession. The questions are only for that purpose and how do I know this? The answers don't satisfy you, that's how.

Shall we try one on for funsies?

Here is the answer to why he is with her specifically... she is able to make him feel in ways that you cannot. He gets to feel superior, I bet, or like he can do no wrong because, well, look at what a screw up she is...

There? Did that satisfy? Be honest here. I am willing to bet not one bit and in fact it probably only stirred up your obsession that much more. And you are probably trying to assess if this is a good thing or a bad thing and can you turn it into a "get him back" thing. Enough already! Now do you see how this works? Now do yourself a big favor...

One day at a time... no more thoughts about him... no more conversation about him... no more questions about him... no more him.

If necessary, make a list of other thoughts you can have and when you find yourself with a thought about him, go to the list and pick one. Or clean closets, that was always my trick so when you come to visit and look in my closets, you'll know what kind of shape I am in LOL.

s_cianci · Sep 10, 2006, 07:16 PM

I think what Val said is true in that you're continuing to beat a dead horse by obsessing about your ex and bringing up the topic time and time again. Forget about him now. It's over, move on with your life. Delete his e-mail address, his IM screen name, his cell phone number, take his land line number off your speed dial, the whole nine yards. Do not contact him and do not let him contact you. If he calls, don't answer, let the machine get it. If he e-mails you delete it without reading it. If he IM's you log off without responding. You must live as though he no longer exists, like he's been wiped off the face of the earth. Also, as far as he's concerned, you've been wiped off the face of the earth. Do not talk about him and if anyone else brings up the topic, act as if you have no idea what they're talking about. It may be hard at first but with practice it'll come much easier. If you happen to run into him, treat him just like the stranger he is, exactly as you would any other stranger. If he says anything to you, respond just as you would to any other stranger. This is the only way you're ever going to be able to get on with your life. When you do meet someone else, continually taking about and obsessing over your ex will be a big turn-off to any guy worth his salt, let me tell you. No decent guy who feels that he's playing second fiddle to a memory isn't going to stay around for very long. You need to get over this now, for your own sanity and future happiness.

mysticque · Sep 12, 2006, 12:40 AM

Are you feeling insecure? Well I'll say this frankly, you need to forget about your ex it doesn't matter what the issue was all about. According to you, I think you definitely deserve someone who is willing to put up with you. I don't know if I mean it in a bad way or not. But I'm frustrated with you. You can't just go on circle and sound like an old broken record. Give it up. I was once like you but hey. Think of your welfare. It might take you time to get rid of someone out of your mind but it's all worth it. On the bright side, there'll be plenty of guys. Attractive as you are you can easily control men without even dropping a sweat. Trust me women got the powers. Works anytime.