[twistandturnes]

OK, here it goes... me and my fiancé had gotten into an argument the other day and I went with my two children to stay at my mothers house while he was at work that night. I spent the night at my mothers and that night that I was there I had asked her if she would sit the children while me and their daddy went to the mental health place to see about counseling so that we could better our relationship for not only us but for our babies. She told me that she would watch them but she had to go renew her license the next day. So the next day we woke up and she hadent gone to renew her license yet and I asked her if it had to be done that day. The ONLY reason I asked this question is because it was already 1:00 and I did not know what time the place closed for the therapy. She then completely took what I said out of context and said, and I quote " never mind, i will just put off what i have to do sice what you have to do is so much more important". First of all I never said that, I was only asking if it had to be done that day. From that point on it escalated into a big argument where she told me that I was always mean to people for no reason..? WHAT? I don't even know where that came from and she could not even name one person that I am mean to for no reason. However I could, I told her that she is mean to her husband when he does not get enough work. Now, he is a truck driver and has to take the work that he can get and it is not his fault that the economy is falling. So then she went to take a shower. While she was in the shower my 16 year old little brother who is mouthy as all get out came walking out of his room and she remarked to him " WHATEVER YOU DO, dont go in there and run your mouth". I know that she was aiming that at me! Then when I said something she completely denied that it was aimed at me in any way! I am not stupid! So I got the kids things together and I left. From that point on she sent me text messages some hatefull some just a bunch of stuff that she made up in her own mind that was never said or even hinted. So I told her that I forgive her and that I am sorry and the fight ended there, with me being the bigger person of course. Later that day after I took my fiancé to work I sat down at my compouter to type out a e-mail just wanting to talk with her about my feelings about the fight that had taken place earlier that day. I told her in the e-mail that I was sorry for any harsh words that I had said and I had told her that she had said some pretty hatefull things that day also ( this is because she had sent me a text that day saying she did not do anything wrong) and I thought that she needed to be an adult and admit that just like I had. I said that we needed to forget that it had even happened. I went on to just talk to her about something that had been on my mind that I wanted to ask her. See, me and my fiancé have not had a day or night alone in over a year. We desperately need to have some time alone and in the past we have asked her to watch the kids and when she comes over or when we take them over there she has had an attitude at times like she did not feel like watching them. All she had to do is to just tell me that she had something to do or even that she did not feel like it. So I told her that this is how we have felt about this subject in the past in the e-mail too. I did not say that she made me mad or that she had hurt me or anything. I only told her that we had thought that is how she had came off a couple of times. I told her that is why we have never asked her if our daughter could stay the night at her house with her big brother because we thought she would not want to have them both at the same time and we did not want to inconvinience her in any way. I begged that she not take any of what I said in the wrong way in the e-mail and I begged that she not be hurt by anything because that was not my intentions. My intentions were only to talk with my mom about the things that had bothered me that I had always been too scared ( FOR THIS REASON EXACTLY) to talk to her about. I was just letting her know that I needed to have time alone with my man and why I hadent asked before now. From that point on it was completely horrible! She started sending me texts and e-mails that were saying how she was so sorry that she had hurt me or dissapointed me. She was saying that she was sorry she was such a horrible mother. She even went so far as to say that I said that she does not want to spend time with her grandkids. She told me that when people have babies that they should not worry about going out and having fun anymore and that is just how it is that you don't get any time alone. I think that is the most horrible way to think of parenthood! If everyone thought that once you have children you are not allowed to go out and have fun anymore then I don't think anyone would have children! Nobody would have fun anymore and that is not right. She went on to say that her and her husband have a relationship too and they want to go out and do things too... I NEVER SAID THEY DID NOT HAVE A RELATIONSHIP AND I HAVE NEVER ASKED HER TO WATCH BOTH OF MY KIDS SO I COULD GO OUT! So therefore I do not see what it matters if they want to go out. They are free to go out as they see fit!! The hatefull non-true messages and e-mails went on and on until finally she went way out of line by bringing up the fight that my fiancé and I had had and said that if maybe she did what he did then maybe she would get my forgiveness when I had told her a million times before that, that I had forgiven her!! She stepped over the line at that point! I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I Don't KNOW WHAT TO DO BUT Every time WE GET INTO AN ARGUMENT SHE TAKES IT TO THIS KIND OF LEVEL! I AM ABOUT TO JUST CUT HER OUT OF MY LIFE IF THIS CONTINUES AND I LOVE HER SO MUCH AND SO DO MY BABIES AND I Don't WANT THAT! How do I make her understand that what she is doing is wrong? How do I make her realize that she is the one twisting and turning things in ways that they should not be? Please give me an answer soon! I can't take this anymore. :eek:

[JoeCanada76]

First - What happens with you and your man. Are your own business has nothing to do with your mother. It does not seem like she is helpful in anyway, but you know what. Take that and use that for your advantage by trying to be a better mother then she was and or is.

Second - Yes, in a relationship you need to have alone time. It does not usually happen with couples but if the opportunity is there to have that time alone then take it. It seems like maybe she is jealous because maybe you have more in your relationship with your man then she does.

Third - You have to stop pleading and begging and doing all this with your mother. This is a very unhealthy relationship. Who cares what your mother thinks or does. You have tried to explain things to her, she always takes things the wrong way, well let her react whatever way she is going to.

Fourth - I know this is a hard one to swallow, but why do you feel the need to get approval from your mother. Yes, you love her. I just think you need to focus more on your own little family. Your children and man. NOT ON YOUR MOTHER AND WHAT SHE THINKS.

Do not involve her in things. For example, wanting counsel for you and your man is good. She does not need to know about it. It is non of her business. You will have to do more things with you and your man without your mothers involvement and I think eventually you will realize that it is a lot better that way.

Finally yes there was a lot written here in your post and I read every single word, but you need to realize that you can not control how others are going to think or behave. Do not let her guilt you for things you think is important for you. Sounds like there is jealousy here from your mother and you know what. It does not matter.

Remember what matters your children and your man. That is it.
I know it hurts when you feel that your family member (mom) is treating you like crap. You also realize that it is also your reaction that matters. Being the better person. Forgiving is great but then you need to let go of the matter. No matter how big the misunderstandings are you need to realize that this person will take it in her own way you can not convince anybody of anything, nor should you have to. Let her twist,let her turn things in a way that is untrue, as long as you know what is up and down is all that matters.

Maybe some time away, some space and some distance from your mother, especially when your having issues in your own relationship. I do not think it is helping you going to her, so stop going to her please.

Best wishes and I hope this answers your questions.

Joe