[Survivor07]

Hello, I've posted before about the current relationship I'm in. I have another question:

My boyfriend lives an hour away from me.

We work together Monday through Friday in the same building.

He has three kids; I have one. We're both divorced.

After four months of dating, we decided to let the kids meet.

Our kids met at his home. I drove there.

It has been a year now. He has NEVER brought the kids to my home. My home is nice, clean and plenty for the kids to do.

I've invited them numerous times. He comes up with reasons they aren't coming and then asks me to come over to his house. So, I go to his house. The kids all play and have fun. His ask if they can come to my house some time. I always say yes.

I rationalized that it's because he gets his kids every other weekend. They miss their things, their rooms, etc. They probably feel more comfortable in his house... I have asked if his ex-wife would mind the kids being in my house. He said no.?

I don't know why this bothers me really... I guess maybe the relationship has hit a plateau, or am I reading too much into this?

[liz28]

Maybe your reading too much into it. However, if they don't spend the night over but visited I don't see any harm in it.

Does he have more space than you?

[Survivor07]

We don't do overnights. I only invited them for the day.

I have more space and a "play room".
There's lots of places to go, too, where I live.

[Wondergirl]

Try meeting in the middle somewhere and stay overnight in a nice suite of rooms in a motel with a pool, arcade, etc. Maybe he dreads the drive back and forth to your place with his three kids.

[Survivor07]

That's a good idea.

I did ask him about the drive. Yes, three is more than one, but his are more used to it.

He lives a half hour away from his ex's house.

Honestly, it's okay with me for now because I'm not in a rush for anything at all. It just bothers me sometimes because I know we would all have fun together.

Thanks for the input!

[Wondergirl]

How old are his children?

[Survivor07]

10, 9 and 6. Mine is 5

[Wondergirl]

10, 9 and 6. Mine is 5

I'm not sure I would want to drive for two hours in one day with three kids that age. I would have to plan ahead, but would he??

Is there a big park or forest preserve or zoo or something(s) of interest halfway between you two, that you would not need to stay overnight at a motel but could just spend the day together? You'd have to plan that event so no one got too bored.

Could they spend the night at your house (and no sleeping together for the two of you)?

[Survivor07]

There's definitely enough room for them to spend the night at my house. I even thought of pitching a tent in my yard since I live near woods, it would be like camping. We could even have a campfire.

He did take his kids to the beach once by himself (a ten-hour drive). Notice... I said once : )

Three kids are a big deal. If we were to stay together and move on to a deeper commitment, I feel as though I need to witness him being a father, how he interacts with his kids and they with him. This all doesn't have to happen within a time frame.

I just think it's time to start doing something other than going to his house and staying there all day.

I don't want to get too cozy (he and I) in front of the kids, so I wasn't sure if overnights were a good idea. He has asked me and my child to spend the whole weekend at his house, but I've always declined.

[Wondergirl]

There's definitely enough room for them to spend the night at my house. I even thought of pitching a tent in my yard since I live near woods, it would be like camping. We could even have a campfire.

He did take his kids to the beach once by himself (a ten-hour drive). Notice...I said once : )

Three kids are a big deal. If we were to stay together and move on to a deeper commitment, I feel as though I need to witness him being a father, how he interacts with his kids and they with him. This all doesn't have to happen within a time frame.

I just think it's time to start doing something other than going to his house and staying there all day.

I don't want to get too cozy (he and I) in front of the kids, so I wasn't sure if overnights were a good idea. He has asked me and my child to spend the whole weekend at his house, but I've always declined.

You have a good head on your shoulders! If he would agree to come to your house for a campout (plus other activities you would plan), you and he could put together a travel backpack for each child. The pack would contain all sorts of little amusements for the trip -- little books, comics, non-messy foods/treats, magnetic games, sunglasses, flashlights, sticker books, etc. There were three of us kids in my family (until a later baby arrived), so my dad built a "platform" on two hinged legs. The thing covered the entire back seat plus the space in front of it so two of us could be back there and nap and lie down while we read, etc. (If your boyfriend has a van or suv, never mind!) Anyway, what he would put into the packs would tell you a lot about him as a dad.

[Survivor07]

Thank you Wondergirl, for the great ideas. Travel packs are great.

I see now I need to put a little more effort into this, too.

Dating with children is hard work. I've been trying to be careful and mindful of the kids (not wanting them to think of all of us as a "family" but as "friends"), but sooner or later I need to know him as a father, because that's what he is. He is a "package deal" just like me.

I've always heard the advice of "keep the children out of it" so they don't get hurt. But I feel it's impossible to move to the next level without getting to know the children and getting a feel of what life would be like if we were a family some day. Make sense?

I'll run these ideas by him and hopefully this summer will be fun and insightful. Thanks!

[talaniman]

I'll run these ideas by him and hopefully this summer will be fun and insightful. Thanks!

That's a good solution, keep talking, and listening. Being patient gets results. As you say, there is no hurry.