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Devilfish · Mar 26, 2009, 12:58 PM

Sorry for the long post, I want to explain the whole story

A few years ago after splitting with the 'love of my life' I dated a woman I wouldn't normally go for.

She wasn't the most attractive woman but she I wouldn't describe her as ugly either. But she was the most beautiful woman inside. She was kind, caring, honest and fun. I decided to give it a go as she was very different from my previous girlfriends.

We dated for 2 years and it was so much fun, she made me genuinely happy she would tell me every day she loved me and she would do something special every week too, I treated her like a princess as she deserved it, I loved her but wasn't in love with her and there wasn't that phwoar factor.

She was offered a job abroad, which she took so we split. She took it very hard that I didn't join her abroad as I had no commitments and she didn't speak to me for a year, in that time we dated other people but nothing serious.

She moved back about 6 months ago and got in contact, we have been meeting up and having a great time. She recently said she still loves me and would love to give it another try.

Is it fair to her to say yes? I would never cheat on her and would always try to make her happy, but I know she is not 'the one'. Although there is no wow factor, I love spending all my time with her. What do you guys think?

kctiger · Mar 26, 2009, 01:01 PM

I am not sure I understand... you are ruling her out because you don't think she is the "one" yet you love spending all of your time with her. Do you think because she isn't the usual "attractive" type of gal you date that you will never marry her?

Here is what I would look for in the "one": (a shortened list)

1. Genuinely happy
2. She made me genuinely happy HUGE ONE RIGHT HERE!!
3. We loved spending all of our time together
4. Treats me with respect and kindness
5. We are perfect compliments to each other...

Am I missing something?? No, it isn't fair you rule her out due to her not being the most "attractive" girl there is. I can't imagine how heart broken she would be to read your post, and I think she deserves someone who will appreciate her for the genuinely nice and caring person she is. Sounds like she is a catch to me...

Justwantfair · Mar 26, 2009, 01:01 PM

I think you are one of those dreamers that thinks there is a "one" and you shouldn't waste her time while you are looking for that "one" to come along.

If you don't believe and see her for who she is to you, then you do not deserve to be with her.

neverme · Mar 26, 2009, 01:17 PM

No I don't think it is fair and what's more... I think you know this.

Think about it like this: How can you say she deserves the best, deserves to be treated as a princess then purposely put her in an eventually unhappy situation.

She deserves to find someone that is in love with her, not as good as you can find at the moment.

Man up. Don't take the easy way out at the moment, to break her heart in the future.

I think you should have minimal contact with her also, she needs time to heal and get over you. You being there is just going to make it worse.

liz28 · Mar 26, 2009, 02:19 PM

If you feel that she isn't the one than there is no need in wasting your time and especially hers.

In life your going find that it is hard to find the "one" but as long as you find someone that makes you happy, able to trust and communicate with, and capable with that is all that matters.

Oh come your other relationships with the "beautiful girls" didn't last? I would love to hear why.

slapshot_oi · Mar 26, 2009, 02:29 PM

Did you really need to ask? Of course it's unfair.

You essentially wasted two years of your life dating someone you knew you wouldn't marry.

talaniman · Mar 26, 2009, 05:15 PM

You know how she feels, yet you lead her on. Is that fair, or selfish?

You spent all that time, and no wow factor(whatever that is) and she is not the one( to make a good life with?? )

A few years ago after splitting with the 'love of my life' I dated a woman I wouldn't normally go for.

Good enough to be a rebound and stroke your broken ego, but not "beautiful enough to give back what she gave you, so what a selfish waste of time, or you are so confused.

You have life, and BS, all mixed up, son.

Devilfish · Mar 26, 2009, 05:21 PM

Originally Posted by kctiger

Do you think because she isn't the usual "attractive" type of gal you date that you will never marry her?

Yes that is what I was trying to say.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I was thinking she deserves to be with someone who would be in love with her, but she may have many relationships and that not happen and face being heart broken many times. I know if I don't say yes I will lose her again annd that would be the worst thing I could think of.

Does every relationship we get into have to last forever or be based on the premise it will eventually be serious or lead to marriage?

We are both young 25 and 26 I know if I say yes she will the happiest woman in the world which she said herself and I too will be very happy.

Or is this just me being selfish?

serena2009 · Mar 26, 2009, 05:25 PM

Well,you should let her down easy.. mabey take her to dinner,, and tell her... you don't fell the same way that she fells about you... and for you,yourself I would look so more find the gril.. the right gril.. and make her fell ike she is having heaven on earth.and most importint never give up no mate what... good luk and I hpe it all works out for the best.. hope my advice works... Good Luck

serena2009

Devilfish · Mar 26, 2009, 05:29 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

You know how she feels, yet you lead her on. Is that fair, or selfish??

You spent all that time, and no wow factor(whatever that is) and she is not the one( to make a good life with?????)

That wow factor, where you see that person and want to rip off their clothes every second you spend with them, or your heart pounds when you see them.

I meant not the one as being someone I would spend the rest of my life with and settle down and marry and have children with

Originally Posted by talaniman

Good enough to be a rebound and stroke your broken ego, but not "beautiful enough to give back what she gave you, so what a selfish waste of time, or you are so confused.

You have life, and BS, all mixed up, son.

Rebound sounds bad but yes I dated her after splitting from someone I was very much in love with, we had a great time, I treated her with respect and dignity and we were there for each other for comfort and support, I just didn't want to get too serious, is that so bad?

liz28 · Mar 26, 2009, 05:38 PM

Devilfish you contradict yourself in all of your posts. You say you don't want to be with her but you don't want to lose her. She makes you happy but there is no "wow" factor.

You need to sit down and clear your head and think about what you are saying because to me it makes no sense. Neither does staying with her at this point.

neverme · Mar 26, 2009, 05:54 PM

Originally Posted by Devilfish

Yes that is what i was trying to say.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I was thinking she deserves to be with someone who would be in love with her, but she may have many relationships and that not happen and face being heart broken many times. I know if I dont say yes i will lose her again annd that would be the worst thing i could think of.

Does every relationship we get into have to last forever or be based on the premise it will eventually be serious or lead to marriage?

We are both young 25 and 26 i know if i say yes she will the happiest woman in the world which she said herself and i too will be very happy.

Or is this just me being selfish?

No every relationship you enter into doesn't have to be serious but that is what she wants!

I stick by what I have said, you need to let this girl go and find the love and happiness she deserves.

Justwantfair · Mar 26, 2009, 07:37 PM

I think you are just being selfish.

You have set expectations so high that you don't realize what is right in front of your face because you are looking for something that comes out of Hollywood.

It is a shame to have her wasting her affections on someone who can speak about her in such a negative manner as telling us she isn't attractive enough to be the "one".

liz28 · Mar 26, 2009, 08:04 PM

I agree and I wonder how "hollywood" he looks??

Devilfish · Mar 26, 2009, 08:09 PM

LOL I'm very far from hollywood looks, she is very attractive she has men approach her all the time I just don't feel the sex appeal. I don't know how to word it.

CrazyThumper · Mar 26, 2009, 08:21 PM

Wowwww.. this question/discussion pisses me off. All this talk about "the one" and "wow factors". First off, there is no such thing as 'the one'. There is someone who you are willing to cry with, fight for, go through hell and back together and work through the toughest times to have a good life together. There is the person that you can do NOTHING with and still enjoy being with them... etc etc.

And this WOW factor? Ya man, there is always an initial attraction to someone, and that may last awhile.. but last time I checked exterior beauty doesn't last forever, eventually the inside plays a much bigger role.. and this you seem to see in her.. and have for quite some time..

Leave this girl alone you selfish...

Thumper

neverme · Mar 26, 2009, 08:21 PM

Word it like this: LEAVE HER ALONE.

SHE DESERVES BETTER THAN A MAN WHO ISN'T IN LOVE WITH HER.

liz28 · Mar 26, 2009, 08:34 PM

You need to focus on what's most important. You have to stop dissecting people like lab frogs and finding fault. You have to stop extolling the flashiest virtues -- looks, money, pedigree -- and start focusing on things like heart, kindness, compassion and loyalty. Remember beauty fades!

However if your heart isn't into someone then it is best to leave instead of stringing them along because in the end only that person will get hurt.

slapshot_oi · Mar 27, 2009, 05:11 AM

I tried reading these posts to make sense of your situation and I can't. You say you're not into her but losing her would be the worst thing ever. You're so confused.

This is why jumping from one relationship to another is bad; two years after you lose "the love of your life" you still don't know what you want.

And if you're not attracted to someone, you never will be. And it still blows my mind how you could date her for two years.

Devilfish · Mar 27, 2009, 06:54 AM

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

I tried reading these posts to make sense of your situation and I can't. You say you're not into her but losing her would be the worst thing ever. You're so confused.

This is why jumping from one relationship to another is bad; two years after you lose "the love of your life" you still don't know what you want.

And if you're not attracted to someone, you never will be. And it still blows my mind how you could date her for two years.

What I mean is everything would be perfect but there is no sexual chemistry