[PirandelloLuigi]

My ex-girlfriend decided to breakup with me 2 days after valentines because we had an argument. She said she got tired of constant arguying with me and asked me if we could be friends and take a break.

I told her I cannot be friends but I would allow a break. She did this over the phone which I find being a cowardly act and shallow. Later that evening I wrote her an e-mail telling her I blocked her on msn and deleted her from my Facebook. She replied saying that she did not want me to block her litteraly out of my life and that knowing I would still be around for her would be comforting.

She then text messaged me the same thing, and I replied ''Are we on a break or not?'' and she replied ''Ok I won't text message you anymore''. About 8 days later she e-mailed me : '' Hi just wanted to drop a line saying Hello, I am doing OK and I hope you are too, Give me some news, if you don't want to I completely understand.'' I did not reply right away. I waited exactly a week and I wrote '' I am OK now, glad you are too, are you enjoying the break?'' and she never replied to this e-mail.

4 weeks later I had an apointment at the dental clinic where she works as receptionist. So I had to see her, no choice. The minute I went in, she greeted me like if nothing happened, '' Hello how are you? how are you doing?'' and she looked happy and like she moved on. I was feeling horrible, I tried to keep the conversation short and just be polite and didn't ask her too many questions. She told me she gained weight and I told her I lost weight and back to the gym. When I was done, she gave me my next apointment and said ''See you in 3 weeks! ''. I just froze and gave her a look and said OK bye and left. I was feeling really weird after that and my legs were shaking while waiting for the elevator.

I think I did the right thing with the no contact rule, but I regret that I went back to the clinic. I am going to ask the dentist if I can see her at the other clinic so I do not see my ex ever again.

So now it is week number 7 and next Friday I have an apointment and I might see her again. I hope it's the last time cause it really hurts.

Do you guys think no contact really helps? Or am I kidding myself and just making her get more distant and maybe both of us will lose any feelings left for each other.
Aynways if one of my e-mails I told her to never contact me again unless she wanted to come back.

[jmw0713]

Yes it does help by allowing you to free yourself from the emotional baggage over time. It sounds like you two both need time to yourselves to find out what you really want and see what life has to offer.

Just keep sticking to NC. IF she wants to comeback, she will. She has to make this decision because she is the one who initiated the break-up. Best thing for you to do is disappear and enjoy being single for now. Every time you contact her, you give up a little more dignity and self-worth. Don't send anymore emails or initiate anymore conversation, because chances are you will make this worse for both of you.

[artlady]

If you were always arguing ,what has this 2 month separation accomplished that makes getting back an option in your book?

You did not work out the issues that caused the arguing since you were not together ,you did not solve any problems.

She hasn't contacted you in an email for a reconciliation so I assume that to mean she has already moved on.

I think it in your best interest to do the same. Unless you are willing to wait forever for that email.

Sorry,it does not sound hopeful.

[kctiger]

Sad fact of life my friend: people come and go, all of the time. The issues that surround these actions are meaningless if you don't focus on the root cause of them.

NC does work, but not as a game, more so as a reality check, and path to find out who you really are.

[PirandelloLuigi]

Thanks for the quick replies.

Artlady, we argued about money a lot and she was expecting me to pay for everything when we went out, but I lost my job in January, so I told her I could not spoil her anymore, with unemployment insurance I could pay my bills and spend a little. Also we were spending a lot of time with her friends and her family and a lot less time together as a couple. On Friday the 13th right before valentines, she broke plans with me to go to the movies with her friends, and canceled our Friday night movies at home night. She then told me she felt suffocated. She told me I was her first serious relationship and she found it hard because I was easily offended and I am sensitive. All I asked was a little respect, like always respected her. I just can't stand when a girl breaks plans at the last minute with me, it's lack of respect.

[PirandelloLuigi]

If you were always arguing ,what has this 2 month separation accomplished that makes getting back an option in your book?

You did not work out the issues that caused the arguing since you were not together ,you did not solve any problems.

She hasn't contacted you in an email for a reconciliation so I assume that to mean she has already moved on.

I think it in your best interest to do the same. Unless you are willing to wait forever for that email.

Sorry,it does not sound hopeful.

Yes I think she has moved on for sure, but do you think she might still have feelings? I mean sometimes after we break up and the anger is gone, sometimes we can regret of leaving someone. It has happen to me before, I dated this girl back in the 90's we laster 8 years. We broke up a few times and got back together even after a year of no contact.

[talaniman]

While your feelings are fresh, you made a decision, and should stick to it.

She was not willing to work with you, and really doesn't care about your side of the issues confronting you. That's why your broken up!

If you keep No Contact, and heal, and move on, you will be in a better frame of mind, than you are now, and if she does decide to comeback, you can make that decision for yourself, with a healthy, clear mind, and heart.

No contact with her until then. If you see her at the dentist office, polite but unavailable, short, and sweet. As you did before. Changing office sites can't hurt either.

[PirandelloLuigi]

Yes it does help by allowing you to free yourself from the emotional baggage over time. It sounds like you two both need time to yourselves to find out what you really want and see what life has to offer.

Just keep sticking to NC. IF she wants to comeback, she will. She has to make this decision because she is the one who initiated the break-up. Best thing for you to do is disappear and enjoy being single for now. Every time you contact her, you give up a little more dignity and self-worth. Don't send anymore emails or initiate anymore conversation, because chances are you will make this worse for both of you.

I totally agree with you, that's why I decided no contact right away, immediately after the break up. I was tempted to beg her to meet me in person but I did not fall into that trap.
I figure if she decided to take a break, it's up to her now to comeback and at the same time I will know if she really loved me and if we were marriage material or not.

[slapshot_oi]

Aynways if one of my e-mails i told her to never contact me again unless she wanted to come back.

That wasn't the smartest thing to say. That just gave her all the power to make the decision.

thanks for the quick replies.

Artlady, we argued about money a lot and she was expecting me to pay for everything when we went out, but i lost my job in january, so i told her i could not spoil her anymore, with unemployment insurance i could pay my bills and spend a little. Also we were spending a lot of time with her friends and her family and a lot less time together as a couple. on friday the 13th right before valentines, she broke plans with me to go to the movies with her friends, and canceled our friday night movies at home night. She then told me she felt suffocated. She told me i was her first serious relationship and she found it hard because i was easily offended and i am sensitive. All i asked was a little respect, like always respected her. I just can't stand when a girl breaks plans at the last minute with me, it's lack of respect.

Sounds like she just tried to do whatever she could to piss you off. Breaking plans last minute is disrespectful no matter who it is, I'd be pissed if one of my buddy's did it. So clearly, she knew what she was doing.

Yeah, getting back together is always possible, anything is possible. But Jesus man, she doesn't sound like much of a catch. I'd want a girl to be real with me, not one that tests and tries to strike a nerve with me constantly.

[PirandelloLuigi]

While your feelings are fresh, you made a decision, and should stick to it.

She was not willing to work with you, and really doesn't care about your side of the issues confronting you. Thats why your broken up!

Your right about that! She was not willing to put effort in the relationship. She often threatened to break up with me when we had arguments, she always wanted to bail out. I think it was a form of manipulation or control that if things were not her way, it was an argument followed by ''let's go each our way''. Basically I think it was a very low interest level from her part and mine was higher. So I felt often in an unbalanced relationship.

She was 29 and I am 36 by the way, she said I am a very nice guy and she is a B**CH and she does not want to be in a serious relationship at the moment. I guess she wants to go back to her casual ways and not ready for commitment.

[artlady]

Yes i think she has moved on for sure, but do you think she might still have feelings? I mean sometimes after we break up and the anger is gone, sometimes we can regret of leaving someone. It has happen to me before, i dated this girl back in the 90's we laster 8 years. We broke up a few times and got back together even after a year of no contact.

It depends on the people involved.

Of course some people do reconcile if and when they have worked on their issues.
Some people close the door and that's it.

You gave her a chance to get back if she wanted to .All she had to do was send an email.
She has chosen not to do that.

I think it is time for you to stop holding out hope.Sorry,I don't mean to be cruel but that is just the way I see it.

[PirandelloLuigi]

That wasn't the smartest thing to say. That just gave her all the power to make the decision.

True, your right, I also told her that I still love her no matter what happened and I still want to be with her. I admit this was a mistake of my part because it no good to show your emotions, but I said this right after we broke up, in the first e-mail freshly after the breakup. So I think emotions were still high and I wasn't thinking right.

I'm thinking of writing a final e-mail after the last time I see her next week. Saying that I wish her all the best and there won't be a comeback or reconciliation because I am moving on and I'm cutting the strings, I don't want her to string me along and keeping this false hope will only hurt me more in the long run.

The things is I am confused to if she wanted a break or a breakup. That's why I am having trouble getting this closure. She did not say it's over final period. She said let's take a break and be friends, but I refused the friendship, so does that mean for her it's a breakup since I refused to keep contact?

[talaniman]

The things is I am confused to if she wanted a break or a breakup.

Why do you leave it to her to decide where this thing is headed. She doesn't want you back, unless its crawling, pathetic, and ready to do as she want. Its a break up don't be silly.

That's why I am having trouble getting this closure

You have closure by leaving her alone, and being good to yourself, and happy who you are without her. What do you want? Her cursing you out, and telling you to get out of her life?? That's not her style (nor most females) Her actions speak volumes, pay attention, that's your closure, without a doubt.

She did not say it's over final period.

Yes she did, you just aren't paying attention.

She said let's take a break and be friends,

Translation- No more boyfriend/ girlfriend, but we can say high and not hate each other.

but I refused the friendship, so does that mean for her it's a breakup since I refused to keep contact?

That only confirmed to you, not her, that the romance is dead, and you don't want to say hi and bye. It was a break up to her from the minute she said "lets be friends".

No emails, just disappear, until your appointment, and disappear again.

Its really that simple, with less drama. Just think on it.

[jmw0713]

The break and friends thing is just an attempt to lay the soft blow on the breakee.

Break=Break-up

Friends < Boyfriend in your case since you were her BF and want to get back to that level.

Being demoted, no matter what the scenario, sucks and the person getting the demotion is rarely happy. This is why you must walk away, with your closure being that she doesn't want to be with you anymore and her feelings toward you as a lover have gone away.

She was just trying to be nice and soften the blow to protect your feelings. For some reason, people think this works but it doesn't. It usually leads to the type of confusion you are experiencing. Things like this are best handled in a cut and dry manner, but when emotions get in the way, this hardly happens.

[PirandelloLuigi]

The break and friends thing is just an attempt to lay the soft blow on the breakee.

Break=Break-up

Friends < Boyfriend in your case since you were her BF and want to get back to that level.

Being demoted, no matter what the scenario, sucks and the person getting the demotion is rarely happy. This is why you must walk away, with your closure being that she doesn't want to be with you anymore and her feelings toward you as a lover have gone away.

She was just trying to be nice and soften the blow to protect your feelings. For some reason, people think this works but it doesn't. It usually leads to the type of confusion you are experiencing. Things like this are best handled in a cut and dry manner, but when emotions get in the way, this hardly happens.

The way I see it, I was never demoted since I did not accept it and cut all contact with her. I think it happened for a reason and I will be better off than trying to make something work which seems impossible since she did not make any effort. She once told me she never got dumped, and I said to myself, damn maybe I should dump her when I see things not going good. I had a gut feeling and I got red flags during the relationship that's lasted 15 months. She game me ultimatums very early for example: ''if we do not travel this relationship won't work'' ''If you don't pay everything when we go out for dinner or movies this relationship will not work''. So now I see when a woman says that, she does not care much about you, her NEEDS are more important. And if you do not give her those, she will find another man who will.

[PirandelloLuigi]

Why do you leave it to her to decide where this thing is headed. She doesn't want you back, unless its crawling, pathetic, and ready to do as she want. Its a break up don't be silly.

I want to send her the final e-mail so I don't have hope anymore, the cut of the strings.
And so she will not try to communicate with me ever again.
So she will know I moved on too. And I will never see her again at the clinic.
I never see my ex's again after a breakup. It's my rule.
And no contact forever after that.

[liz28]

Jeave her alone and do your best to stay away from her.

You can tell how much someone cares about when your facing hard times. If you lose your job of course you wouldn't be able to splur as much because your on a budget. If she couldn't accept nor understood it than yes your better off without because she's all about what you can do for her. Once you shouldn't spend as much as you use to than the argument started which lead to her wanting to break-up, screw her your better off without her.

[liz28]

You don't have to send her nothing that is what distanting yourself from her is for.

Most likely if you send her a "final" email she would just more likely think your doing the opposite.

[PirandelloLuigi]

If you were always arguing ,what has this 2 month separation accomplished that makes getting back an option in your book?

You did not work out the issues that caused the arguing since you were not together ,you did not solve any problems.

She hasn't contacted you in an email for a reconciliation so I assume that to mean she has already moved on.

I think it in your best interest to do the same. Unless you are willing to wait forever for that email.

Sorry,it does not sound hopeful.

Maybe we need more time for reconciliation, sometimes it can take months, after really missing the other person. Maybe the fact she saw me at the clinic she did not miss me enough. Maybe after 3 or 4 months she will feel the emptyness or maybe she won't.
Only time will tell. The reason why we could not work out the issues is that I tried very hard. But she wants things her way, she does not do any compromises, since she has low interest, why should she make the effort? She does not care much, it's obvious to me.

I think she has never experienced being on the other side of the situation, since she always dumped the guys she dated, I think she always got things her way. I tried hard I swear, but at one point I said, I am not a doormat and my patience has a limit. So when I confronted her that's what triggered the arguments.

[PirandelloLuigi]

Jeave her alone and do your best to stay away from her.

You can tell how much someone cares about when your facing hard times. If you lose your job of course you wouldn't be able to splur as much because your on a budget. If she couldn't accept nor understood it than yes your better off without because she's all about what you can do for her. Once you shouldn't spend as much as you use to than the argument started which lead to her wanting to break-up, screw her your better off without her.

I agree with you 100% in hard times true love really shows. I feel like she abandoned ship, in a way this was a test for me, if we were married this probably would have been a divorce. The other test was our trip to mexico back in September. She was acting very cold and distant, not hugging or cuddling with me anymore and not kissing me with passion, just a peck or a superficial kiss. These were flags which I did not take seriously enough. They say a trip is a way of seeing if you going to make it or break it. I know I will be better without her, yet something keeps giving ideas that maybe one day will regret what she did and want to reconciliate because this was her first serious relationship and I am the first guy she introduced to her family and friends.

I am just going to keep no contact and move on, I deleted her number on my cell, deleted from Facebook, blocked on msn. I know sending that final email is tempting and will help me get closure, but I won't do it. They say silence is power, and I have the power right now. The power to move on and ignore. I did not end it, so I will never live with regret or guilt. It's her loss, I know by experience when you lose the good one, it's hard to get them back.