[butterfly52]

I fell in love with a man 5 years ago. He absorbed me, controlled me and emotionally abused me. I left him several times only to return over and over again. Finally I left him and decided to stay away for good.
It all began very quickly for me. I had been divorced for 4 years, I found myself and was growing, I was indeed at the top of my game... then I met him!! After the first date he pushed for a daily regime of talking on the phone and every weekend together, I felt so safe and comfortable, three weeks later: he asked me to be exclusive with him. I remember for a small moment in time feeling very uncomfortable, 3 months later he asked me to move in with him.. I did. He had no friends, no contact with his family and we lived in his little world, I was so happy, but at times felt I was losing myself. My "perfect" world was shattered when my daughter moved into town. He resented her and any time I spent with her, then the fights began.. one fateful night he got into my adult daughter's face, accused her of trying to break us up, my daughter has a little anger problem and reacted in a less than a favorable fashion. He lost it with her and physically pushed her out of his house, I came to her defense and I too was thrown out on the street late at night. The next day I called him and begged him to forgive me and my daughter and take me back.. he did, on the understanding that my daughter was never welcome in his home.. I had sunk so low I accepted his agreement. Now he had absolute control over me... every time I mad him mad (which I seemed to do on a regular basis) he would pack up my things and tell me to leave his house. Sometimes I would beg his forgiveness, sometimes he would beg my forgiveness.. so we continued this sick cycle over and over and over again. He would rant over and over at me: "you refuse to listen, you refuse to learn, you refuse to change", "your independence is killing us", "I have never loved a woman like you". I felt as if he was getting into my mind, messing with it, I felt as if I was going crazy, I even felt suicide wasn't too bad an option. I even told him one day to get out of my mind. I left again a few months ago, I had done a grand job of staying no contact, then one day in a stupid moment of weakness I contacted him, now he is back in my mind and I feel as if I lost the few months I had without him. I haven't seen him this has just been email contact. He lives less than a mile from me and everyday I struggle to stay away, not to call him and most of all not to go over to his house. Please advise how I can stay true to my path of no contact. I have been dating other men, but it is not enough. I need help to heal my soul. Why does he control my emotions so?

[artlady]

Why does he control my emotions so?

I would venture to say because you became used to being in your own little world with him.A safe haven from the real world where it was just the two of you in some sort of toxic but comforting fantasy.

People in toxic relationships have a need (unconscious) to repeat the behavior.Even at its worse it has a emotional sense of comfort that keeps dragging you back in.

You need to heal by looking at what brought you into the relationship.What made you stay and your desperation to keep is going.

When you can answer those questions,I think you will be able to begin the healing process.

In the meantime I would not date or even think about being with anyone else until you can find peace and serenity by yourself.Only then will you be fully able to have a healthy relationship.

You must have a healthy relationship with yourself first and foremost !

[Janmarie]

I think making an appointment with a counselor would be a really good thing you can do for yourself. You have a strong emotional attachment to this man, which is common in an abusive relationship. Like how a captive becomes bonded emotionally to his/her captor because they know no other way to relate without that influence. If you do not get help your next relationship will be somewhat of the same, even without you generally knowing what is happening. You will repeat this pattern over and over again in each new relationship. My advice is seek counseling first, get out and do things constructive, join a gym, make new friend, join a support group, take up a hobby and fill your life up. Dating other men is okay but do not involve yourself in a serious relationship right now, date for fun. You don't want to completely cut off your romantic life but be smart and be in control of your emotions.

[BMI]

I think it is clear to everyone here as well as yourself that you became too attached to him. It is a dangerous thing to be so completley dependent on another human being, whether it be a family member or a lover. I do feel for you and sympathize to a point. What we must do is focus on ourselves and not so much the situation. It has been said plenty of times on these boards, however, I think people read the advice and dismiss it as a cliché or a blanket answer to situations such as these.

Focusing on yourself means that you need to address why you became so dependent, why you accepted his demands at the expense of your family and your conscience. No contact is not simply staying away from the person, it is to focus on why this happened away from what caused it. Like an addict that has to first put down the drug to be able to see clearly, it may take months or years but the alternative is disaster.

I think perhaps you suffer from low self-esteem or something of the like, I say that because I'm sure you deserve much better than this and can think of no other reason why you would put yourself through this. Get strong, in time you will feel able to make the demands you feel are reasonable instead of accepting ones that are unfair to you.

Good luck to you. Perhaps seeking help as the above mentioned would better assist you in reaching that goal if the going gets too tough.

[I wish]

First off, here's the guide to no contact: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...qs-332732.html

Basically, do not respond to his emails anymore. Block him out of your life (see the guide).

He's controlled your mind for too long with physical and mental abuse, so counselling is definitely an option for you.

There's no quick fix to this, but the general ideas apply: spend more time with friends and family, make new friends, find new hobbies or go back to your old ones, stay busy, go to the gym, etc.

Perhaps you should add this to your list though: Find a job in another city.

[talaniman]

Read the stickies at the beginning of this forum, I think they will help a lot.

There is a link in my signature, you have made some good steps so far, to break this abuse, and heal.