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sGt HarDKorE · Mar 24, 2009, 01:08 PM

Here is my view on it: I would almost think you are my mom however, she can't get on a computer even if it was to save a life. Let me tell you why I sometimes do things and hopefully it will help. Well let me just explain what my mom is like, and from the looks of it, I think you will really relate to her.

My mom is a hard worker and a single parent. She will work as long as she physically can. When she had both hips replaced, she was in work the next week. She could not afford to take off work. She has 3 kids (including me). Our father does not help at all in any way anymore. When she was a kid her dad use to abuse her mom and was a big drinker and I guess everything was really bad, we don't really talk about it. But anways my point is, she tries to not let that happen to us. She tries to check in on me and my brother and our sister every few hours and makes sure she knows who we are with and everything about that person. She practically does a background check on everyone we know by asking questions about them. She wants us to do really well in school so she enforces study, study, study, study. In her opinion and maybe it is the correct one, she is being a great parent and even to me it sounds like it. And to be honest she really is. However, from my perspective, I got so sick of being treated like I can't do anything for myself. And unfortunately, I do things to make her think I'm doing bad things. Ex: not answering my phone for the whole time I'm gone or something, or locking my door when I know she's going to think I'm trying to hide something. For a while, I felt depressed and even felt suicidal. But I finally talked to someone on my own (I new if I told my mom, she would then get involved and never let me speak) It felt so good to talk to someone and have them listen. My mom is always so busy trying to keep us living under a roof and having food, she doesn't have time to just listen. And if she does, if I was to ever say anything such as admit trying drugs or something she would yell at me and then punish me. Instead, or at least in my opinion, if she would have just talked to me about the consequences, and allowed me to talk about why I tried them, and allowed me to express my feelings, I would be more comfortable and wouldn't do them again. Which I don't anyway because they do not interest me, however, my brother does drugs. To sum this up, I think giving your kid more independence, she will learn the importance or her actions. As soon as I learned my mom was holding me back unintentionally with her love and fear, life has been so fun and I am doing everything I ever wanted. If you want her to talk to you about things, which in the end could solve her bad behavior, just listen. I do not know if you react badly to her when she does bad things but try a new approach. Just listen, explain to her that you were once tempted to try bad things, and explain to her the consequences of the things you did. I think a lot of parents forget that they were kids. I also think adults try to shield their kids from bad things that happened in their own life, however, they forget those things made them who they are as an adult today. Im not sure if any of this makes sense, I tend to not connect my ideas that well, but hopefully you get something.

Just a suggestion to, I don't think invading her personal space is the best idea. I can't say I wouldn't do the same, but again from my point of view, its difficult on you when your own parents don't even trust you. And now that you are reading her personal thoughts, she will most likely not write anymore, and then who will she talk too? I simply recommend sending her to talk to someone who she feels comfortable with. Someone mentioned above, have individual AND family counseling. That is the best way to do it. She may be afraid to admit certain feelings when your around, so give her personal space. Like me, she probably acts out to make you angry. As I'm writing this, I realized whenever I do/did things to cause my mom to get suspicious. She would always confront me, and then out of angier we would admit things, and true feelings would occasionally come out. I think I needed a way to express my feelings and her attention, and what's a better way than getting someone mad if they won't listen normally.

Good Luck :)

unspeaken21 · Mar 24, 2009, 05:06 PM

jcompton1272...

Why is your daughter saying such mean things about you and really believing them?

I might have been very harsh before and very negative.. but growing up I was never surrounded by any positive figure.. so I took my personal experiences and related them to you..

I guess the best thing you are doing now is telling her you love her.. Showing your daughter and all of your kids affection can really improve your relationship with your children. It can help decrease the level of insecurity they posses.. but just make sure your actions are aligned with what you are saying..

A mother and daughter relationship to me, and many other people, is the most important bond, so I tend to take it very seriously...

I think you should protect your daughter, but not by reading her diaries..

It is hard being a mom, if there is one thing I have learned, it is to not have a favorite child (I have come across many parents who have favorites).. Im not saying you do, but what if your daughter thinks you do... Could it be possible your daughter senses that you favor your other children more than her? Usually teenagers and younger kids notice whether a parent is showing a kid more attention than the other.. It wouldn't be surprising if she possibly felt that way since she's been living with you for about a year, and to get adjusted to an environment does take time.. (im assuming you have more children because she mentioned you do)

I sympathize with your daughter... if there is anything I hate most in this life it is being sexually harassed.. it's a good thing you left your husband when you did.. its just a sad shame your daughter was abused and now has do live with that memory..

If your daughter is acting out too much just know that she still has not healed from what that evil man did to her...

jcompton1272 · Mar 24, 2009, 09:54 PM

I really want to thank everyone for there help... When I first came her I angery because I am trying very hard to be a good mother to all of my children and to have one that tells such hurtful and untrue things on me just plain hurt...

I Think my daughter tells some of these things sometimes because she get mad and wants others to mad to. Other times I think she is not 100% sure that I really do the things I do because I love her. This baby has been through so much when she came here she had about 5 days of cloths (most of which were very old and to small) she had not been to a dentist or a doctor in about 6 years (she had 9 cavities and needed glass) she was failing in school had been arrested on drugs, drinking and having sex, She lost everything when she came here she did not get to say good bye to friends and family and she landed in a place were there are rules and people that truly love her and support but I don't think she knows what to do with that. Here dad lied, abused and manipulated her and in turn she did what ever she wanted because he did not want her to tell on him... She can't manuplate me that way because even though I am human and have not done everything right I have not given her any ammunition to use against me. Her dad moved her over 30 times in 11 years so I work very hard to give her stability. At this point I know she still smokes on occasion but I don't think she is doing drugs or drinking now and she is on the A-B honor roll she is in the ROTC AND ON THE RIFLE TEAM and I was so proud (I cried)when she receive 2 awards for her hard work. My biggest fear now is that if she will not talk to me for what ever reason that I will let her down and she will give up and go back to doing the things she was doing before. I try to let her make a lot of choices for herself but at the same time try to guide her by reminding her that all choices come with consaquences and I will even let her make choice that are not always a good one so long has there is not a very long term hurt that will come with it and believe me when she gets to the point where she feels safe to come and talk to me about things I will not go through her things but I truly do check because she is very beautiful and bright and if she can learn to make better choices than she had in the past then she can do and become anything she choose and I am not just saying that because I am her mother I am saying it because it is completely true and not matter what choices she makes I will always be there to support her but I still do not want her to be hurt anymore than she already has.

Also someone ask if she could feel that I my other childern are my favoites the answer is sometimes maybe even though I spend as much time with her as I can (and not just in theropy) my youngest son has had some sever emotional and physical problems that required a lot of my attition at the same time she came to live with us at one point I had to go to school with my son everyday or they would not let him come to school. He is now on medication and is doing much much better and I thought she was to I actualluy took a sigh of relief and then she went to school and told her friends how mean I was to her because I would not let her go to a party in the middle of the night and then told them she was going to hurt herself now I am on alert all over again until that happened I had not been checking on her quite so much other knowing where she was and who she was with and making sure an adult was present when she went to her boyfriends house. I guess it will go away as I get so I feel I can trust her again not to lie to me or sneak around.

jcompton1272 · Mar 24, 2009, 10:22 PM

Originally Posted by unspeaken21

can you explain how she violated your trust so i can understand you better?

Im glad you both are going to therapy

1st she went to school after I would not let her go to a party in the middle of the night that was on again off again and told people that I was mean to her and that she was going to hurt herself later she said she had been struggling for a while but she led me to believe she was fine so now unless I check I am not sure weather she is OK or not because even if I ask she is not always telling the truth then less than a week later she told me she had rifle practice but she did not realize I had answered the phone and was talking something about her boyfriend who is not on the rifle team and it made be a little suspisious so I called to check and there was no rifle team practice that day when I confronted her about it she lied on the teacher that told me there was no practice and because I tried to believe her I was going to school that Monday and have a fit forantly she came clean before that happened and then after getting off grounding for lying to me about the rifle team she ask me to let her and a girlfriend go to the movies so I took them and even paid for her friend the friends mother called wanting to know if she was with me and my daughter because the mother was told the friend was somewhere else so I went to make sure everything was on the up and up and found both girls on the side of the building with boys my daughter apparently called her boyfriend as soon as I left and had him and his friend meet them there (there was an insident with the boyfriend and I would not let them see each other till I talked to his mother) I had talked to her that day I would have let her gone to the movies with her friend and her boyfriend if she has ask but she did not instead she was sneaking around the side of the building. Maybe I am a little over protective but I just don't want her to be hurt again or get herself in situations where she can be and some how I have to get her to understand that sometimes the answer maybe no but it is always better to truthfully talk to me then lie and sneak

liz28 · Mar 24, 2009, 10:23 PM

You sound like your doing everything in your power to help your daughter. Even though the road might be bumpy with twists and turns your staying in there regardless of her kicking and screaming. I commend you for that and hope that you stay strong and help your daughter anyway possible how you been doing. Your going get through to her. Look at the good improvements thus far.

From time to time she might act out especially since her past was so dark but you stand tall and strong while showing her tlc. No matter what she does I believe your daughter stills loves you and deep down is happy that you do what you do even though from time to time she doesn't want to follow the rules.

Stay in there for her and I think you're a good mom. Wish more was like you because I see some mothers that are quick to just give up because it's easy or because they don't to deal with him or her. You ever saw that commercial that saids "It's 10pm do you know where your children are?", sadly some parents don't.

jcompton1272 · Mar 24, 2009, 10:36 PM

Originally Posted by sGt HarDKorE

Here is my view on it: I would almost think you are my mom however, she can't get on a computer even if it was to save a life. Let me tell you why I sometimes do things and hopefully it will help. Well let me just explain what my mom is like, and from the looks of it, i think you will really relate to her.

My mom is a hard worker and a single parent. She will work as long as she physically can. When she had both hips replaced, she was in work the next week. She could not afford to take off work. She has 3 kids (including me). Our father does not help at all in any way anymore. When she was a kid her dad use to abuse her mom and was a big drinker and i guess everything was really bad, we don't really talk about it. But anways my point is, she tries to not let that happen to us. She tries to check in on me and my brother and our sister every few hours and makes sure she knows who we are with and everything about that person. She practically does a background check on everyone we know by asking questions about them. She wants us to do really well in school so she enforces study, study, study, study. In her opinion and maybe it is the correct one, she is being a great parent and even to me it sounds like it. And to be honest she really is. However, from my perspective, I got so sick of being treated like i can't do anything for myself. And unfortunately, i do things to make her think im doing bad things. Ex: not answering my phone for the whole time im gone or something, or locking my door when i know shes going to think im trying to hide something. For a while, i felt depressed and even felt suicidal. But i finally talked to someone on my own (I new if i told my mom, she would then get involved and never let me speak) It felt so good to talk to someone and have them listen. My mom is always so busy trying to keep us living under a roof and having food, she doesn't have time to just listen. And if she does, if i was to ever say anything such as admit trying drugs or something she would yell at me and then punish me. Instead, or at least in my opinion, if she would have just talked to me about the consequences, and allowed me to talk about why i tried them, and allowed me to express my feelings, i would be more comfortable and wouldn't do them again. Which i don't anyways because they do not interest me, however, my brother does drugs. To sum this up, i think giving your kid more independence, she will learn the importance or her actions. As soon as i learned my mom was holding me back unintentionally with her love and fear, life has been so fun and I am doing everything i ever wanted. If you want her to talk to you about things, which in the end could solve her bad behavior, just listen. I do not know if you react badly to her when she does bad things but try a new approach. Just listen, explain to her that you were once tempted to try bad things, and explain to her the consequences of the things you did. I think a lot of parents forget that they were kids. I also think adults try to shield their kids from bad things that happened in their own life, however, they forget those things made them who they are as an adult today. Im not sure if any of this makes sense, i tend to not connect my ideas that well, but hopefully you get something.

Just a suggestion to, I don't think invading her personal space is the best idea. I can't say i wouldn't do the same, but again from my point of view, its difficult on you when your own parents don't even trust you. And now that you are reading her personal thoughts, she will most likely not write anymore, and then who will she talk too? I simply recommend sending her to talk to someone who she feels comfortable with. Someone mentioned above, have individual AND family counseling. That is the best way to do it. She may be afraid to admit certain feelings when your around, so give her personal space. Like me, she probably acts out to make you angry. As im writing this, i realized whenever i do/did things to cause my mom to get suspicious. She would always confront me, and then out of angier we would admit things, and true feelings would occasionally come out. I think I needed a way to express my feelings and her attention, and whats a better way than getting someone mad if they won't listen normally.

Good Luck :)

I really admire you and your mother, as mother I know that most of us just want the best for our kids and sometimes I worry that I make my mistakes as a parent because I was such a wild child and not only did my bad choices hurt me but they hurt my kids and to some extent still do and I don't want my kids to experance the hurt I caused myself and my kids because of my bad choices so I am more protective and maybe a little more suspisious but I tell my daughter all the time it is not because I want to make her life misarable but because I am afraid for her and I want her to be happy not just today or tomorrow but for the rest of her life. I know I can't wrap her in cotton and protect her from everything bad but I can't help but try.

jcompton1272 · Mar 24, 2009, 10:51 PM

Originally Posted by XOXOlove

unless she is a very misbehaved child you shouldn't look through her stuff all the time. if you do at least do it discreetly without her knowing because she doesn't want you to look through her stuff. anyway i'm actually glad you joined this site (even though it's kind of nosy)because now instead of trying to help her get away from you, we can tell you develop a better relashionship with her. i know you aren't a terrible mother. you just need to hang out with your daughter more because she doesn't think you like her. doesn't it bother you that your daughter cries in her room because of you? just ask her what's wrong.

She is not an extremely misbehaved child most of the time that is why I am so worried now in the beging it was horriable but she has much improved and it kills me every time she cries but I can't give in to her every time she cries and when I know about I will tell her I am sorry she is so upset and if it something that I said or done that hurts her feeling I will apoligze but it is something where she just did not get her way then I tell her I am sorry she is hurt but sometimes the answer has to be no because it is in her best interest and try to explain my reasons for saying no sometimes that helps and sometimes it doesn't but I do try

shazamataz · Mar 25, 2009, 04:54 AM

I would be furious at my mother if she read my private thoughts that I had written down in my journal.

unspeaken21 · Mar 25, 2009, 07:03 AM

Its good when you write about your daughters actions...

She is not stable because of her past..

When she was living with her father she had no rules,
But when she came to live with you she got rules...

She got so used to living her life with no rules that its hard for her to adjust to having rules at this time.. . So maybe this can explain her actions..
No rules was probably her comfort zone and when they were taken away things just changed for her...

That's why she lies, so she can get what she want, otherwise she knows she wouldn't..

In time things will hopefully change, in the mean time you should try to make her be surrounded by positive people..

mizz_on_her_own · Mar 30, 2009, 09:27 AM

Yes this is my mother and no I do not lie A lot as though you have come to believe. She has misunderstood some of the things that went on. I was never arressted for drug alcohol or sex it was fr domestic violence.

liz28 · Mar 30, 2009, 09:34 AM

Why were you arrested for domestic violence? That isn't good.

XOXOlove · Mar 30, 2009, 12:42 PM

Originally Posted by mizz_on_her_own

yes this is my mother and no I do not lie A lot as though you have come to believe. She has misunderstood some of the things that went on. I was never arressted for drug alchohol or sex it was fr domestic violence.

Thanks for joining in. I was afraid that that you might not come back. Now we can all figure this out together:o

mizz_on_her_own · Apr 1, 2009, 06:10 AM

I wasn't but I'm going to try to work this out. I was arrested for domestic violenece for punching 17 holes in my home and breaking 2 doors and for getting in a actual pysical fight with my grandmother

mizz_on_her_own · Apr 1, 2009, 08:47 AM

I was also arrested for being reported a runaway over 3 times. That is the thing that I think my mom misunderstands. I do try to do my best but it is in a way of to where no one can see until I've completed what I was trying to work on and that is the way it's always been for me. No I didn't want to kill myself over the STUPID party. It was because my memories of my dad kept growing stronger and I could barely bear it. Though she has it in her mind that the party is the reaon when it's not. Now it is growing harder because I have now known my mom for a full year today (april 1) and in 8 days will be the day the secret was revealed and I had to go to a youth shelter and go to court and a lot of other things. So it is difficult for me and I HAVE come a LONG way from what I used to be and I don't think my mom realizes that but maybe she does I'm not sure but all I know is that I am EXTREMELY hurt.
No I am not acting out to hurt her. Un;ess, I'm doing it subconciously. I don't think she chooses a favorite because I understand that My little brother and sister need her a little more than me. I have grown to accept the fact that I can't change my mom's mind about the way she feels about things. But I do NOT manipulate her. I'm not even sure how to manipulate people. It's complicated to explain. I know that I have manipulated people before but I don't know how I do it, it's like I do it unintentionally. I have apoligized mulitple times to my mom for EVERYTHING. She says that she understands but I don't believe she does. I just REALLY need a mother/best friend. It seems like since I got here she has been nothing but mother mother mother and I want her to also be somewhat like my best friend when I am doing nothing wrong.
Is that too much to ask or is that not how a family is supposed to work?

liz28 · Apr 1, 2009, 09:24 AM

No, that isn't. You and your mother need to have an open talk about your feelings. And I think that started here.

mizz_on_her_own · Apr 3, 2009, 08:00 AM

Well it is EXTREMELY difficult

unspeaken21 · Apr 3, 2009, 10:31 AM

Ya, it is really difficult..
But your mother got you back as a teenager, so she never had time to transition into your teenage years..

You both need to adapt to your new lives.. it takes time, but I think you both can make it..

From what your writing you seem like a strong girl... Keep that up :)

artlady · Apr 4, 2009, 12:42 AM

Originally Posted by mizz_on_her_own

yes this is my mother and no I do not lie A lot as though you have come to believe. She has misunderstood some of the things that went on. I was never arressted for drug alchohol or sex it was fr domestic violence.

Sweetheart no one here is out to get you ,believe me I always hear both sides when I can.

Come back and talk ,you and Mom ,maybe we can be the objective party that you need to make some good changes towards loving each other as Mom and daughter ,as I know you both do.
I can feel the love from here.

jiniliya · Apr 4, 2009, 05:58 AM

You have not done anything wrong.You are scared that you will lose your daughter but didn't spy on her make her sit beside you didn't ask her anything just hug her & tell her that you are there for her.In any situation or circumstances you will be on her side whether she is right or wrong.Behave with her as a friend didn't be possessive & if she tels you everything didn't over react on that matter mistakes do happen but we have to except our children.I hope everything will be fine.

mizz_on_her_own · Apr 7, 2009, 08:22 AM

Well I have no idea as to if my mom will get back on here. I think she has begun to trust me again but I have no idea. I finally told her the way I was feeling but for security I did it in front of my counsler. I have also told my counsler that she shouldn't push me so hard and she has agreed to not push to hard and to just help me ease my way into the process of healing.
But what I told my mom was that I don't just want a mother. I want a BEST FRIEND when I am doing NOTHING wrong! She told me that it could happen. I told her also that I don't always want to go to her, that it would make it easier if she occasionally came to me and asked me how I was doing on a regular basis. So she agreed to come and talk with me once a week if she can. When I heard her say that I felt some relief. I haven't yet told her that because I'm not sure how to go about doing that. I am truly trying but once again like I have mentioned above I go about hiding my attempts to change until I accomplish it.