What would you do

Noodles15 · Mar 20, 2009, 10:06 PM

We just learned about rape in a psychology class today, so it's interesting to see this.

If you are unable to say yes, that means no, and that means he raped you.

I do not believe that he will go to jail for this, but at the very least you should report it because rapists are ALWAYS repeat offenders. A report from you will help put him in jail in the future when he does this again.

Understandably, your fiancée will be VERY upset, this has to be extremely hard on his as well, but honestly, I don't see why this guy is his best man if he knew what the guy had said about you before. I think you need to be honest with him about what happened, and give him some time to work it out as well. In a perfect world he would be understanding and immediately supportive of you, but it's not a perfect world, and he's human, and he's going to be hurting and confused as well.

I really think you should go to the doctor and get a full work-up, this guy may have given you something and you need to get checked as soon as possible as to try and get treatment.

Honestly, you shouldn't have drank so much, and the friend should have looked out for you more, but like I said the world isn't perfect. But even when this world isn't perfect, no man should ever do what that man did. Aside from everything else he slept with his BEST FRIENDS Fiancée, the guy is a prick, and a rapist.

I really wish you the best through all of this, and we are all here if you need someone to talk to.

beckysue1973 · Mar 21, 2009, 12:29 AM

Is it possible that this guy could have slipped something in your drink? I agree with everyone else here, what you are describing is rape. Your girlfriend is not such a great friend after all. She should have had your back. Don't let the d-bag get away with what he did to you.

Rich11111 · Mar 21, 2009, 08:44 AM

You really do need to report this, As Noodles15 said, even if he isn't convicted this time, your report will help get him in jail if he does do it again.
And you have to tell your fiancé, under the circumstances he would have to be a right a$$ to blame you.
If you don't tell your fiancé and keep this quiet then you could end up with your rapist giving a best man speech at your wedding.

Bengie_1961 · Mar 21, 2009, 04:08 PM

First of all young lady, after one club, then two, drinks... there is something called self control. It should have never reached as far as the third and fourh club. This is a no brainer. What in the world did you think would happen. But, all of that is passed now. The main focus is your fiancé. If he was the love of your life, you would have protected that aspect and treated it as such. You can't blame the young man, because you allowed it to happen. People get away with what you allow them to. I really think you should reassess if you're truly ready for marriage. The young man in question is also wrong but not at fault. When you respect yourself, others will surely do the same. A lot of people may say, "what he (your fiance) doesn't know, won't hurt him... this is balony. Back to your fiancé, you need to find a serious way to tell him, knowing it may result in a good way or bad, but you can't begin a marriage on lies & secrets. Know that when you do things like this, you're putting your relationship on the line. If you had cherrished your fiancé as you claimed, this would not have happened. If it may seem as though I'm being hard on you, yes I am. You were being a jerk. All you can do is hope for your fiance's forgiveness. And who knows if this will happen again.

kaitou · Mar 21, 2009, 04:45 PM

I'm really sorry that this happened to you.

It is not your fault at all. Everyone have the right to feel safe, and the freedom to do whatever they want. Women should be able to go out and have a good time.

I think you should be honest with your Fiancé, and tell him what happened. I think he will be understanding. He is engaged to you, he must know you pretty well, and trust you. Have more faith in him. I think he can help you a lot in recovering from this incident.

From your post, you obviously love him a lot, and you obviously didn't want this to happen. Just tell him like how you have told the rest of us. It's the genuine truth, and I think it will reach him. As it has reach so many of us here.

Whether you report this to the police or not is up to you. But for now I think your number priority is yourself.

Take care of yourself first, do whatever necessary. If you need people to talk to, come here. Or call a 24 hours rape crisis line. Or go visit a rape crisis centre near you.

Help is available, and there are many warm hearted people, wishing you the best. As shown here at Askme.

Stay strong! It's not your fault!! No one is judging you, we believe your story, and we are worried!!

Bengie_1961 · Mar 21, 2009, 05:14 PM

I sympathize with your situation, I truly do. The legal meaning of rape: is the unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse.

talaniman · Mar 21, 2009, 05:43 PM

From Wikipedia.
Rape, forced sexual intercourse
In some jurisdictions rape refers to other forms of sexual assault

I don't think that she is a jerk, nor deserved to be taken advantage of by a true jerk, and criminal.

Being drunk among friends is maybe not the best idea, but in no way does that change the fact she was assaulted, and unable to consent, or resist.

Survivor07 · Mar 21, 2009, 07:01 PM

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are not to blame.

If he was to be the "best man", one would assume he would have your and your fiance's best interests at heart. Clearly this is not the case.

You might want to consider going to your doctor or a health clinic and get tested for STDs. They can also counsel with you regarding what happened.

It's important to tell your fiancé the truth. You will not forget about this.

You are planning on marrying this man, you should be able to tell him this. He knows you and he knows his "best man".

Your fiancé will be angry--the anger should be directed at the perpetrator--not you.

Classic rape symptoms are to feel as you've described. Remember, you are not to blame.

You are only guilty of drinking too much, being young and having fun.

You paid too high a price to learn this lesson: Drink responsibly and with people whom you trust, designated driver, blah, blah.

Is it possible a date rape drug was slipped into one of your drinks? Police involvement is up to you. You do have a case of "date rape" which simply means being raped by someone you know, someone you were seen out with, having fun, flirting, etc. It's just your word against his. But it is still rape.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Survivor07 · Mar 21, 2009, 07:18 PM

Bengie-1961 what the h e double hockeysticks is wrong with you?

That is not the COMPLETE legal definition of rape/sexual assault/ involuntary deviate sexual intercourse.

If you truly sympathized, you would not be calling her a jerk!

Alty · Mar 21, 2009, 08:29 PM

Originally Posted by Bengie_1961

First of all young lady, after one club, then two, drinks... there is something called self control. It should have never reached as far as the third and fourh club. This is a no brainer. What in the world did you think would happen. But, all of that is passed now. The main focus is your fiancé. If he was the love of your life, you would have protected that aspect and treated it as such. You can't blame the young man, because you allowed it to happen. People get away with what you allow them to. I really think you should reassess if you're truly ready for marriage. The young man in question is also wrong but not at fault. When you respect yourself, others will surely do the same. A lot of people may say, "what he (your fiance) doesn't know, won't hurt him... this is balony. Back to your fiancé, you need to find a serious way to tell him, knowing it may result in a good way or bad, but you can't begin a marriage on lies & secrets. Know that when you do things like this, you're putting your relationship on the line. If you had cherrished your fiancé as you claimed, this would not have happened. If it may seem as though I'm being hard on you, yes I am. You were being a jerk. All you can do is hope for your fiance's forgiveness. And who knows if this will happen again.

I can't let this go, sorry everyone!

Bengie, you are the reason that women out there don't report rape. You are part of the problem, not the solution.

You're right, this is a no brainer. She was raped by an a$$hole who took advantage of the situation. She never consented, was possibly drugged and defenselss.

We can't blame the young man? Really? Who should we blame, his parents, because they didn't teach him right from wrong? How about people like you who think that he should be able to everything that moves even if they don't consent to sex.

The main focus is her fiancé? Really? Oh, I'm sure he's really hurt. Wait, was he raped? Was he the one that trusted his friend and was taken advantage of? What actually happened to him? I'm confused. If he doesn't forgive her then he's not worth it and it's better that she find out now exactly what kind of guy he is. He obviously doesn't know how to pick friends very well, because the rapist is his best friend!

Know that when you do things like this, you're putting your relationship on the line.

Let that be a lesson to all women out there. When you let yourself get raped, you're putting your relationship on the line! How? I don't know, but you are. This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

If you had cherrished your fiancé as you claimed, this would not have happened

What? How would cherishing her fiancé have stopped his best friend from raping her. Are you high?

I'm being hard on you, yes I am. You were being a jerk. All you can do is hope for your fiance's forgiveness. And who knows if this will happen again

.

Well, seeing as you can dish it, I hope you can take it, because now I'm being hard on you. You are the jerk, there's nothing for her fiancé to forgive and sadly, yes, it may happen again, statistics show it's very likely that a women will be raped 2 times in her life. Maybe if more people reported it, the statistics would change.

You want to be mean, fine, but pick on someone else. I'm here, and I'm ready. I've never been more mad by a post then I was by yours!

JudyKayTee · Mar 22, 2009, 07:26 AM

Originally Posted by Bengie_1961

First of all young lady, after one club, then two, drinks.....there is something called self control. It should have never reached as far as the third and fourh club. This is a no brainer. What in the world did you think would happen. But, all of that is passed now. The main focus is your fiance. If he was the love of your life, you would have protected that aspect and treated it as such. You can't blame the young man, because you allowed it to happen. People get away with what you allow them to. I really think you should reassess if you're truly ready for marriage. The young man in question is also wrong but not at fault. When you respect yourself, others will surely do the same. Alot of people may say, "what he (your fiance) doesn't know, won't hurt him.....this is balony. Back to your fiance, you need to find a serious way to tell him, knowing it may result in a good way or bad, but you can't begin a marriage on lies & secrets. Know that when you do things like this, you're putting your relationship on the line. If you had cherrished your fiance as you claimed, this would not have happened. If it may seem as though I'm being hard on you, yes I am. You were being a jerk. All you can do is hope for your fiance's forgiveness. And who knows if this will happen again.

Just when I think the height of stupidity has been posted someone raises the bar!

I am chilled, absolutely chilled, by this response from a former Probation Officer, from someone who (apparently) has a website, has solicited hits for that website and uses it to offer advice.

This is called blaming the victim - shameful and horrifying.

And after being "called" on it, then comes BACK all understanding and apologies.

People are always criticizing the legal system - here is one of the reasons it is in the shape it is in. Absolutely NO compassion for victims of crime, including victims of sexual assault.

(Out of reddies - used it up on the last wrong legal advice.)

Bengie_1961 · Mar 23, 2009, 07:29 AM

Please, please disregard my prior statement, I missed a crutial paragraph in your story.

JudyKayTee · Mar 24, 2009, 08:10 AM

Originally Posted by Bengie_1961

Please, please disregard my prior statement, I missed a crutial paragraph in your story.

Just to amuse me - which paragraph did you miss that led you to believe this woman deserved to be raped?

I further notice you have a website where you charge for information concerning probation and other topics - I trust you are not "here" drumming up business for that site. I find this very different from posting a rate on this site.

achampio21 · Mar 24, 2009, 09:09 AM

Wow. Seems like everyone basically agrees. But can I ask just one little question without everyone freaking out...

Can the OP, or anyone honestly say that she didn't participate in the "sex" and possibly doesn't remember? It could have been that she was drunk enough to think it was her fiancé and whatever happened?

I'm not saying that the guy didn't take advantage of the situation but it can't always just be the guys fault. She went out, she got drunk, and she admitted to letting guy stay at her house when she KNEW he wanted her. That in itself is bad.

So really we can't HONESTLY say that the guy "raped" her if she doesn't really remember.

But yes I do truly believe the guy took FULL advantage of the situation and the fact that she was drunk and would possibly be more submissive in that state... but is that considered rape... I don't know I am no expert.

Just throwing that thought out there. Please don't burn me to the ground!!

Oh and I HAVE MISSED YOU ALL SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!! :p

jjwoodhull · Mar 24, 2009, 09:14 AM

If she was passed out, then the sex was not consensual. And yes, she should be able to feel safe with her boyfriend's best friend in the house.

Rape is a violent crime. Having too much drink does not equal asking to be raped.

JudyKayTee · Mar 24, 2009, 09:14 AM

Originally Posted by achampio21

So really we can't HONESTLY say that the guy "raped" her if she doesn't really remember.

But yes I do truly believe the guy took FULL advantage of the situation and the fact that she was drunk and would possibly be more submissive in that state... but is that considered rape... I don't know I am no expert.

If she didn't consent, it's rape. Pure and simple, by law.

So yes, we can "honestly" say the guy raped her. The fact that you don't remember doesn't mean you weren't raped. The fact that you didn't give consent means you were.

I don't see anyone freaking out here - I see people with different opinions.

achampio21 · Mar 24, 2009, 09:20 AM

Ok that makes sense. If you don't remember then you were passed the point of making a "good" (for lack of better word) judgement call. So I guess that would be the same as being passed out and not giving consent.

liz28 · Mar 24, 2009, 09:21 AM

Bengie_1961 nobody goes out wishing nor hopes to get rape so that an awful thought to even think.

Yes, maybe she had too much to drink but you forget this guy that committed this criminal act against her while she was defendless was her so called friend that she knew and trusted, before this. It wasn't some random guy she met at the bar.

I don't think this guy drugged her, but again who knows, I really believe this guy had planned to do this before hand. That's why he wanted to go to her house because he knew she was drunk and couldn't put up a fight. He took advantage of her in the worst way and you said she isn't the victim. Then who is? Him? I guess a thief can steal from a store and get away with it if they blame the store for having the merchandise in the store in the first place.

I would've never thought in a million years that someone in the world could actually think this way.

Justwantfair · Mar 24, 2009, 09:23 AM

Originally Posted by achampio21

Ok that makes sense. If you don't remember then you were passed the point of making a "good" (for lack of better word) judgement call. So I guess that would be the same as being passed out and not giving consent.

That was answered in the OP opening post, did you read it the first time?

achampio21 · Mar 24, 2009, 09:26 AM

Um yes I did. But would you admit to cheating if you could make it sound like someone else's fault and look like the victim?

And it always takes JudyKayTee to make me see the light on my own stupid questions. And besides, we have to look at EVERY angle of a question. Even the angles no one (including myself) really want to look at. Seems to me that maybe the OP's friend (the other girl) is part of the problem too. She invited sir screws a lot of sleeping girls along for the ride and never took him home, and then declined him her place to crash at (knowing the OP would say yes).

And the OP never states if she knows for sure that the yucky man really ever did anything to her. She states that she felt someone on top of her pulling her panties down and she grunted and then passed back out. Only waking when the alarm clock went off. Was yucky man still there? If not how did he get home? Did he use a condom if he did rape her? If not is she on some form of birth control? Is she going to get checked out to make sure she didn't get anything from him? Etc etc etc.. No one has addressed these points..

Am I making everyone mad at me? I'm sorry if I am. I have been away so long. And I just have so much to say... :D