Is it me or is it him?

achampio21 · Mar 24, 2009, 08:30 AM

Hello everyone! Sorry for being away so long. I have been going through A LOT of poopie (can I say that?:)) Anyway, can anyone tell me if tons and tons of stress will cause a partner to cheat or cause the other partner to think they are cheating?

He has never done anything as far as I know. IF he has he is VERY good at hiding it. But I am beginning to wonder ALL THE FREAKING TIME who he is with, if he is cheating, who he calls when he leaves etc... I am not sure if it is him giving me vibes that my "sixthsense" is picking up on or if it is me being paranoid and having a defeated self esteem (due to all the stress and drama NOT caused by hubby)

Can someone help? I hate feeling like this. And I hate going crazy wondering about all of it.

Romefalls19 · Mar 24, 2009, 08:54 AM

Insecurities, perhaps you need to see a counselor to work out your issues. That's the road I had to go on and it's a struggle but I am doing a lot better

achampio21 · Mar 24, 2009, 08:57 AM

I have thought counselor, but we really don't have the money or a way to go together without our kids.

jjwoodhull · Mar 24, 2009, 08:58 AM

How long have you been with him? Have you been cheated on in the past by other people?

Lowered self esteem can definitely lead you to not trusting. I think if he truly has done nothing suspicious, then you need to address the issues within yourself.

Romefalls19 · Mar 24, 2009, 09:00 AM

What about going to a local church, ministers are good counselors as well.

neverme · Mar 24, 2009, 09:15 AM

Ya I agree that you need to deal with your own self esteem issues.

You'll end up driving him away otherwise..

achampio21 · Mar 24, 2009, 09:15 AM

Hmm, well we have been together almost four years. He has done small stuff, like flirts real bad with women. Checks them out right in front of me. Has talked to ex girlfriends on the phone when we first go togther, and went to the bar without telling me and I have caught him flat out lying to me the past month or so about stupid stuff. But realizing that he can lie to me real easy bothers me.

My relationship before him lasted (off and on) 5 years and he did nothing but cheat on me and abuse me.

We do not go to church. For our own personal reasons. We choose to practice our faith in the privacy of our home.

neverme · Mar 24, 2009, 09:17 AM

Talk to him, tell him how you are feeling, honesty and communication are key.

It is a red flag for me that he can lie to you. The little alarm in my head would be going off too.

ConfusedMother9 · Mar 24, 2009, 09:18 AM

The first thing you need to do is talk to him calmy about the lying. I am not saying he is cheating or not, he may not be. But lying to your partner,about anything at all, is not good.

Of course, your insecurities may be stemmed from your previous relationship. Have you always felt this way about your current partner or is this a new issue?

jjwoodhull · Mar 24, 2009, 09:18 AM

With that information, I would say yes, he seems untrustworthy.

achampio21 · Mar 24, 2009, 09:23 AM

The feelings of him cheating and lying and hiding and sneaking have been real bad lately. Only occurred previously when we fought or I caught him doing something bad.

Thank you for insight. I will try to talk to him again. And I guess wait to catch him red-handed. Then leave.

ConfusedMother9 · Mar 24, 2009, 09:44 AM

My opinion is that if you are just now getting these feelings, then it is probably intuition rather than insecurity.

If it was insecurity, you would have felt this way all along.

achampio21 · Mar 24, 2009, 09:54 AM

That makes sense. Why would he all of a sudden start lying about stuff? Or has he been doing it all along and I just now caught him? Stupid. Why ruin a wonderful family over bigger tits or a red head tonight because you've had blonde for four years.

I can't wait to catch him. I really can't.

ConfusedMother9 · Mar 24, 2009, 10:18 AM

Don't let yourself become bitter about it. If you know he is cheating, you shouldn't wait to catch him. You should find your strength and leave.

I speak from experience when I tell you that if you wait around now,you'll continue to wait around.

achampio21 · Mar 24, 2009, 10:20 AM

But how do leave if you don't know for sure he is cheating? What if I am pushing him away and causing him to lie because he knows it will only make me worry more?

Ha ha that sounds so dumb I know, but its how I feel.

ConfusedMother9 · Mar 24, 2009, 10:26 AM

It does sound dumb but we've all been there. Talk to him, tell him how you feel. If he's a good man & he really loves you, he can give a good explanation & an apology. Maybe he isn't cheating but you do not deserve to be lied to either. It's hard to give relationship advice. It boils down to how you feel and what you think is best for you.

Do you have children together?

achampio21 · Mar 24, 2009, 10:35 AM

Yes two. I have tried to talk to him and he just swears that he isn't cheating and that I am being ridiculus.

I will wait for a great night and bring it up again. Calmly and see what happens.

THank you.

liz28 · Mar 24, 2009, 10:55 AM

Flirting doesn't means that he is cheating but if he is doing it in front of you and it makes you feels uncomfortable than he shouldn't do it out of respect.

Also, sitting around waiting to catch him is unhealthy. There are kids in your household and if your unhappy they can sense it and it isn't fair to them.

talaniman · Mar 24, 2009, 11:14 AM

I think maybe a combination of fear, and his actions, have you insecure, but the lying stands out. Lying leads to mistrust, insecurity, and resentments. All relationship killers.

You may not know if he is cheating, but lying can be addressed, through some honest, calm communications, and maybe he can give you some insights into his behavior, or something solid to talk about.

Its not unusual for guys to be anywhere but home, when you have toddlers, nor is it unusual to make excuses about it.

Its also very possible things in both your lives is disconnecting you. Again honest communications, and being a good listener, may get you some answers, or some peace.

Just curious, does he spend time with his kids, so you can take a break every now, and then? Do you do things outside the home, that you enjoy?

These are all factors into your perspectives and moods that have an effect on your attitude.

A mouse · Mar 24, 2009, 01:07 PM

Hello. May I just say that if you keep thinking like that you're going to turn into a guy lol. Everyone has these insecurities, stress esepcially doesn't help. IF you care enough about this guy you should trust him to do the right thing. Every chance you get you need to hang out with him and stay close, don't let the fire die.

-Mouse

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