[imlost]

After 12 years, my husband and I have are going through a separation. He had several affairs and my feelings died a long time ago. I finally called it quits. Looking back I should have never married him. I stuck my head in the sand and looked the other way on several occasions. I was never over my first and true love when I married my husband. On my wedding day I still thought of my first love. But thinking there was never another chance, I married my husband thinking it was the next best thing.

A few months ago, the love of my life contacted me via Facebook. He is married so we were trying to be just friends. However, my feelings never went away for him, they were buried far below and began to resurface... and the same for his feelings for me. As we talked more, he told me that his wife had left for 1.5 years for a job and had to think really hard about coming back home to him. He had received a phone call from someone stating that is wife was having an affair. They have only been married for 6 years, and 1.5 years of that was a long distance relationship. She finally came back last October, but left to go see friends who lived out of town on thanksgiving, new years, and valentines day. She chose to not spend those days with him. Our friendship grew, and it turned into a relationship. His marriage was already over and struggling by the time I entered into the picture.

We began to make plans for our future together. He began paying off debt he and his wife had accumulated and talking about becoming a family. He had a lot of guilt though. His wife continued to say that she never had an affair when she was out of town, but he lost so much trust in her that he just stopped trying to work on the marriage. He told me that he never felt so strongly for someone as he did with me, and that when he married his wife he never saw it lasting longer than 15 years. He also started thinking about having children with me... his wife can not have any.

Yestereday his wife confronted him about me. He didn't want to lie to her and told her that he loved me and was not going to stop talking to me. He called to tell me that it looks like they were going to separate that day... he just needed to figure out who was leaving the house. He told me he couldn't deny his heart.. it was to be with me, and for me to get things ready for us. He said it was going to be tough but they needed to talk and see who was going to get which bills and who was staying in the house.
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5 hour later he calls me to tell me his wife is a freaking mess. After talking, he has agreed to go to counseling and work on the marriage to see if there is anything still there. She answered a lot of his concerns and told him things he had never heard before. I don't know if she is just telling him what he wants to hear because she feels threatened or if these things are true. But whatever she said, made him do a complete 180. He said if he were to walk away from the marriage and jump into one with me he would probably regret it. I know he wants to do what is right.. to know that he did his all for the marriage. He doesn't want to be the bad guy. But we were making plans together, and now I have been taken out of the equation. He told we should not talk for awhile or see each other so he can do the right thing. I don't know how I'm going to function. This guy has been a part of my life for over 17 years. I have always loved him and scared that the future will not have the two of us together in it. I just don't know what to do... or what happened. I have such a heavy heart.

[Homegirl 50]

You are going through a separation and his marriage is shaky. Those two things are not good ingredients for talking to each other or making plans. You were both too vulnerable.
He obviously still feels something for his wife. Sounds like he was hurt and you came back into his life; Like I said we you are hurting, it is the wrong time to be trying to get into another relationship.
Leave him alone and get yourself together. Stop mooning over someone that belongs to someone else.
When your divorce is final and you have healed, get out and meet other people.

[DoulaLC]

I agree with Homegirl... back off. Unfortunately he did to his wife exactly what your husband did to you and you allowed yourself to get caught up and be a part of it.

Neither of you should have allowed things to get to where they did while he was still married. Obviously you can't undo what has been done... but something to consider for possible future reference.

Since things may not have been exactly as he once thought in regards to his wife cheating (another example of why you go to the source and not take someone else's word for something that serious) give him the time and space to see if he can reconcile with her. You need to remain out of the picture so they can have that chance.

Put him and his wife ahead of your feelings. Hard, yes... but if you care for him as much as you say, show it by not causing him to feel any more confused than he already does... no Facebook, no contact.

Focus on getting your own life together dealing with your separation. Avoid jumping into any sort of serious relationship, with him or anyone else, for the time being until you have your feelings sorted out. It is very easy to fall right back into a relationship because it feeds your need to feel loved and cared for. You need to be content with yourself and in your own life before thinking about joining it with someone else.