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mugger · Mar 21, 2009, 05:54 PM

As many people still get married, I wonder when the meaning of marriage turned to love, rather than a business venture, more or less. I am married and happily, but who/what dictates that people SHOULD be monogamous? I have never cheated on my wife- I'll get that out there before I get the accusations. I love her very much and would never want to hurt her in any way- I am just posing a question.
Do I feel that monogamy is a bad thing? Hell no- it really works for some people, but others might say that it is against nature to only have a sexual relationship with one person.
Is this just the American philosophy or culture? In other countries it is pretty strange to be monogamous. Should there be an argument? I'm sure there always will be.
Ok, maybe I should phrase it like this...
Does or should marriage dictate your sexual life?

Fr_Chuck · Mar 21, 2009, 06:00 PM

It is a culture issue, I don't thing it is a right or wrong thing at all. Nor American, since we got it from the culture of Europe and brought it to the US.

But I do believe in other cultures in general, it is still within marriage, they merely allow pural marriage

artlady · Mar 21, 2009, 06:17 PM

There is a school of thought that states that monogamy is not a natural design in man.

Men,in particular are supposedly biologically inclined to stray.From one school of thought.

I don't buy it.

If birds can mate for life why can't humans?

I think that marriage should dictate your sexual life.If you aren't going to be with one person,why get married? Tax write off ? Children?

On the other hand there are swingers who say if it weren't for swinging their marriage would be in trouble.They swear it saved their marriage.

If both parties are in agreement and they have the type of relationship that can survive swinging,its fine.Who am I to judge?

Personally,I am and will always be a one woman man.

frangipanis · Mar 21, 2009, 09:02 PM

There are any number of possibilities, neither being more natural than the other, in my opinion, just different orientations.

What matters are the sort of promises you're happy to make with someone and how honest you are in knowing what you want and stating your needs. If saying you want to be monogamous doesn't seem right to you and you actually prefer the thought of an open ended future, then don't say it's what you want. On the other hand, if you want someone to spend your life with and fidelity matters to you a lot, then you need to be clear about that.

mugger · Mar 22, 2009, 02:41 PM

Awesome! Very open minded responses. I love to hear that. Frangipanis is right on with the sort of promises a couple should make and be up front with your wants and needs.
I was married before and swinging saved us for a while. I just wonder if that's where my feelings on the matter originate.
Thanks everyone!

Jake2008 · Mar 23, 2009, 01:07 AM

I have often wondered about the marriage thing, and is success based on couples that have stayed together?

Or is marriage successful when one or the other strays, and they work through it, and come out the other end stronger and more committed?

Is a need to have another partner a fault?

A friend of mine, married over 25 years, has two lovers on the side. This has been going on for at least since I've known her, about 10 years. She has a very stable life, just no sex life at home. But it works.

Maybe we are basing our ideas of success upon old fashioned notions?

artlady · Mar 23, 2009, 03:02 AM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I have often wondered about the marriage thing, and is success based on couples that have stayed together?

Or is marriage successful when one or the other strays, and they work through it, and come out the other end stronger and more committed?

Is a need to have another partner a fault?

A friend of mine, married over 25 years, has two lovers on the side. This has been going on for at least since I've known her, about 10 years. She has a very stable life, just no sex life at home. But it works.

Maybe we are basing our ideas of success upon old fashioned notions?

Hay who am I to say what works for people ?

I don't care if people want to swing.I had friends that swung ( is that a word) Past tense of swing must be swung.

Every relationship goes through ups and downs and sometimes they are really down.

Low down.

If you want something bad enough you fight for it and you work for it.

frangipanis · Mar 23, 2009, 03:26 AM

Old fashioned and romantic... I like the idea of forever and loving companionship with someone special more than the idea of bed hopping, that actually puts me off. Besides, you would have to be a mental gymnast and contortionist to juggle a husband, family and two lovers successfully! Sounds exhausting to me lol.

frangipanis · Mar 23, 2009, 03:29 AM

Actually, make that a trapeze artist with all that swinging about! Lol

Jake2008 · Mar 23, 2009, 03:59 AM

Lol, indeed. I just shake my head and think, well, I guess it works, everybody is happy.

Myself I've been married 33 years this July, and we've never done any swinging except to the oldies, and I am always learning something about relationships, particularly marriage.

I do think it should be blood, sweat and tears, rather than love, honour and cherish.

There is a misguided concept of what marriage is, even really what a relationship is all about. I do not see too many marriages last anymore, and unrealistic expectations is the biggest reason in my opinion.

Then again, the flip side of that is people do divorce, and move on to better marriages, so, how can I say or judge which is better. The one who sloughs it out for 33 years, or the one who starts over, maybe more than once or twice, and has an accumulated total of the same number of years married.

Were they more or less successful than me?

artlady · Mar 23, 2009, 04:24 AM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

lol, indeed. I just shake my head and think, well, I guess it works, everybody is happy.

Myself I've been married 33 years this July, and we've never done any swinging except to the oldies, and I am always learning something about relationships, particularly marriage.

I do think it should be blood, sweat and tears, rather than love, honour and cherish.

There is a misguided concept of what marriage is, even really what a relationship is all about. I do not see too many marriages last anymore, and unrealistic expectations is the biggest reason in my opinion.

Then again, the flip side of that is people do divorce, and move on to better marriages, so, how can I say or judge which is better. The one who sloughs it out for 33 years, or the one who starts over, maybe more than once or twice, and has an accumulated total of the same number of years married.

Were they more or less successful than me?

WOW! That is so cool! 33 yrs.is older than many of the people who ask questions on here about how to have relationships.

I see so much of it and I wonder what I would have done back in the day ,would I come to a site ?

I digress as usual :) just wanted to say.. GOOD JOB :)

artlady · Mar 23, 2009, 04:29 AM

I do think it should be blood, sweat and tears, rather than love, honour and cherish.

Can't rep you Jake but you said it there.Its all about the real stuff :)

Jake2008 · Mar 23, 2009, 04:30 AM

Thank you ArtLady!

Interestingly enough, when we did get married all those years ago, I had just turned 21, and he was 23, we were dubbed 'the odd couple'.

That has stuck, after all these years. Maybe that is the key, the differences keep life interesting. :D

artlady · Mar 23, 2009, 04:35 AM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Thank you ArtLady!

Interestingly enough, when we did get married all those years ago, I had just turned 21, and he was 23, we were dubbed 'the odd couple'.

That has stuck, after all these years. Maybe that is the key, the differences keep life interesting. :D

Good for you girl.Im only on 11 yrs but its still all good ;)

frangipanis · Mar 23, 2009, 04:53 AM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Thank you ArtLady!

Interestingly enough, when we did get married all those years ago, I had just turned 21, and he was 23, we were dubbed 'the odd couple'.

That has stuck, after all these years. Maybe that is the key, the differences keep life interesting. :D

Hi Jake, you remind me of my sister who met her husband at 17 and he was 19. She is a few years older than me and they're still married. He's the only man she's ever known. There is something eternally innocent about my sister, even though she's been through a lot of rough patches in her marriage. There were times she would have definitely liked 'out'.

It must feel good to have been married for 33 years and still going strong.

Jake2008 · Mar 23, 2009, 05:21 AM

I met my future husband when I was 17, and to think that this July 17th is #33, really boggles my mind. (I just double checked adding on my fingers here lol).

Yup, 1976.

Congrats to your sister too. She probably feels like it was, literally yesterday.

frangipanis · Mar 23, 2009, 05:26 AM

Interesting... you were the same age. It's fascinating looking through their photo albums, Jake. They were both just kids when they first met. I love the fact they've lasted this long and I'm proud of my sister They've been like a stable point of reference all these years.