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Romefalls19 · Mar 20, 2009, 05:19 AM

OK, now you all know that I am dealing with insecurities and working through them and have been doing very well. So that is why I am coming on here to my friends, who I can count on to tell me if I am being bothered by nothing or if I should say something. I've let it slide a few times, and to be honest it's actually not my fiancé who's the problem.

I trust my fiancé 110%, that's not the issue. The issue is my own family, my cousin to be exact. He seems to be trying to get pretty close to my fiancé, before you think I'm overreacting let me tell you things that have happened so far. He has her number because she views him as family, strictly that and she said it to my brother because he told her to watch out for him because he doesn't care who he back stabs and she said "ew, he's family that would be so wrong" or something along those lines. Well Saturday night we went out to a birthday party to a bar, my fiancé has asthma so she had to get away from the smoke. Well he started texting her tell her to come back inside and to hurry. I didn't think much of it because we were all having a good time. Then on the way home, he yells some "padiddle" thing and tells me fiancé "to get naked" and she said "no way, never in front of you" which kind of irritated me but my fiancé told him how it was so I let it go once again. Then he came over one day while I was at work and she was home, I don't know what time he got there and I'm almost certain my mother was home at the time but still the fact he's coming over while I'm at work made me uncomfortable. Yesterday she started her new job and he text her to "have fun at training:)" and then came over later that night and the first words to me were "where is she" and proceeded to ask her about her day and how it went.

Now, I don't want to jump to conclusions about my own family, but does this seem like over stepping behavior? My fiancé hasn't given me any inclination about him to her, she doesn't see him that way or anything, that's not what I'm worried about. In the past, he has went after one of my ex's, to be honest, my old ex(not most recent) but right after we broke up, he was over her house until around 12 am and she was changing in front of him and stuff.

Am I overreacting or is there over stepping on his part?

starlite1 · Mar 20, 2009, 06:08 AM

Hi Rome,

Honestly, I feel that he his overstepping, especially since he did that with your ex. I would feel the same way you do (and this isn't being insecure at all on your part), he is just being 'overly' friendly with your fiance'. In the past have you ever talked to him about the situation and his actions/behavior regarding your ex? If so, what was his reaction? If not, you may want to sit him down and have a chat.

Romefalls19 · Mar 20, 2009, 06:40 AM

He didn't see that he was doing anything wrong, we were broken up and they were just friends.

I know I have an insecurity problem, but on this I don't think I am being insecure, I think he's crossing a line

starlite1 · Mar 20, 2009, 06:51 AM

I agree Rome, I think he is crossing a line too. I would definitely sit down and have a talk with him. Point out what he says and how he acts with your fiancé, and let him know that you find it wrong. You wouldn't act this way towards his girlfriend or fiancé, and you deserve the same respect.

Romefalls19 · Mar 20, 2009, 06:52 AM

Exactly, it's not like I'm asking him to shun her or not talk to her, but texting and stopping by to see how her day was. That, to me, is a little extreme. Another thing, at the bar her kept saying "she's coming home with me tonight" and putting his arm around her. Kind of ticked me off, but out of respect for my friend I didn't make a scene at his party

starlite1 · Mar 20, 2009, 07:04 AM

Yes, that is wrong. If a female relative or another girl did that with my boyfriend, kidding or not, that would bother the hell out of me. I get a knot in my stomach just thinking about it.

Even though you trust your fiance' and I trust my boyfriend, its other people who I don't trust.

UnluckyDucky · Mar 20, 2009, 07:22 AM

While I find nothing wrong with the occasional comment about "taking someone home with me tonight" just as a joke to my "taken" friends, I don't hang on them, go over their house when I know their husbands/boyfriends won't be there, and text them like your cousin seems to be doing - that is all a bit too much. Something doesn't smell right here and considering his past history it seems like it wouldn't be beyond his behavior to try something.

You have every right to be cautious here and I don't believe it is a matter of being insecure - your cousin's behavior is crossing the line into inappropriate.

Romefalls19 · Mar 20, 2009, 07:34 AM

Okay, the occasional joke about being taken home is fine. I'd laugh it off but with a combination of everything it just seems way to off color

starlite1 · Mar 20, 2009, 08:04 AM

Hi Rome,

It is off color. It isn't right at all. You definitely should say something. You have every right. Have you spoken to your finance about this? What does she think?

Romefalls19 · Mar 20, 2009, 08:09 AM

I haven't talked to anyone, except on here about it because I first wanted to see if I was over reacting about this. I didn't want to jump at her if you guys thought I was over reacting. But with people telling me it's out of line, then I am going to speak with her about it and try to convey my point with her.

starlite1 · Mar 20, 2009, 08:15 AM

I'm sure your fiancé will understand your feeling this way. You are not in the wrong, nor are you being insecure. No offense, your cousin is being an a$$ and that would bother the hell out of me.

Romefalls19 · Mar 20, 2009, 08:17 AM

Yea, every since he started going to college, he thinks he's the best thing since slice bread. He's too cocky and thinks he can fight anyone and hits on people's girlfriends all the time

Justwantfair · Mar 20, 2009, 08:39 AM

Hey Rome,

I think you should say something, if he is the greatest thing since sliced bread, he should be more than happy to hit on available females, not unavailable ones.

I think since you have stated that you trust your fiancé, that she isn't the problem, maybe just discuss whether it bothers her. She may not feel appropriate telling you how much it bothers her because he is your family.

I would then address him. This behavior isn't necessary, it's almost like he is out to prove something to you, or that there is something about wanting what you have, which is odd.

I know you will make a great choice, but I would talk to her first.

Romefalls19 · Mar 20, 2009, 08:43 AM

Yea, I think I will talk to her tonight. I didn't think about how she might feel with him being my family and everything. Thanks for pointing that out, it could be because she is a shy person and doesn't like making a fuss out of anything

Justwantfair · Mar 20, 2009, 08:46 AM

Good luck, I am sure it will work out.

talaniman · Mar 20, 2009, 06:17 PM

Family or not, he needs to be told where the lines of good behavior are, and if he can't stay on his side... see you, hate to be you!

Read him your rule book.

heartbroke · Mar 20, 2009, 06:55 PM

Its not her you need to speak with, its your cousin. Id defintely put him in line. What he's doing is disrespectful and dodgey.

Romefalls19 · Jun 9, 2009, 11:25 AM

I didn't want to start a new thread because it deals with the same issue. So I thought I'd add to this to please the admins

Update:

Well, for awhile he had been at college so I didn't have to worry about him. Well he's out now, and back at work(where my fiancé works at) I keep hearing about how they are put at registers across from each other and then they talk quite a bit. It's now to the point they know each others schedule(she told me it's because he tells her) I'm not sure what they talk about as I don't ask. I've noticed ways he has been looking at her when they are around. A few weeks ago, I was coaching our daughter's Tee-ball team and he came to watch and they were standing next to each other the whole time(not a big deal) then there was the whole laughing and talking to the whole time.

Now yes, I do have a jealousy problem, but given his past history with things. Am I wrong to request my fiancé to keep a little bit of distance between him and her? Or do I continue to let it go and fester inside of me? I'd rather avoid a huge blow up, so I am asking you guys what you think I should do.

It's coming to a point where if I see him, I might punch him in the mouth because I feel he is crossing limits.

Justwantfair · Jun 9, 2009, 11:32 AM

Rome,

I think this is a dig considering the other things that you have going on in this relationship and this is a topper. All you have really discussed is they are together and talking a lot but that is apparently more with schedule then anything else.

It's the other factors that are making you insecure with their relationship. Have you talked with her about how you feel about this?

Romefalls19 · Jun 9, 2009, 11:36 AM

Just about how he has presented himself to her in the past, whenever he would come over, it would be him staring at her(even while in conversation at me) He has taken pictures with his phone of her. I am trying to give him a benefit of the doubt, but with his history, I'm not too sure.

I have talked to her about it briefly, she is a naïve person(her brother said so) so she doesn't see it as flirting or anything ill willed, because "he's family to me"(she said that) and said that "I'm twisting things up" but when a guy calls your fiancé a MILF, naturally it's going to raise a little concern