Check out some similar questions!

h_leann_b · Mar 17, 2009, 08:26 AM

I am 21 years old. And yes, I know I am young... I don't have any intention on getting married soon by any means!

I love my boyfriend with all of my heart. And honestly I can see myself sharing a life with him. However he has expressed before that he doesn't want kid or to get married. Eventually having children is something that is very important to me. He has said he might change his mind as he gets older, he just doesn't know.:(

His mother runs an in-home day care. He is GREAT with the kids and even watches them sometimes and does activities with them. His father is not present in his life, and I think it has a lot to do with it, but I'm not sure. His dad suffers from depression. He is also a leader of a religious cult(my boyfriend is atheist himself).. I guess that's for another post lol. He pretty much hates his father from legal battles he has put his mother through.

I'm scared though, because if he doesn't change his mind... then I have to choose between him or pretty much my ulitmate dream of having a family. Should I break it off now? Or wait until we are older to see if his mind has changed?

Any insight would be great! Thanks in advance. Ask if you need more info. :o

jjwoodhull · Mar 17, 2009, 08:39 AM

If you want kids and he doesn't, then there is nothing more to know. That is a deal breaker. There are lots of great people that we date that are not the right person for us. That's what dating is about - weeding out the good people to find the right person.

talaniman · Mar 17, 2009, 09:12 AM

How long have you been together??

CrazyThumper · Mar 17, 2009, 09:14 AM

How old is your boyfriend? If he is your age- 21- I know plenty of guys who never want to even consider kids at that age. Trust me it was the last thing on my mind. I'm 31 now and I'm STILL up in the air if I want kids. Point is.. age makes a big difference. If he is young, and just unsure- I wouldn't say run away just yet.

Also- Talan asks a very good question, how long have you been together?

h_leann_b · Mar 17, 2009, 09:29 AM

Ya, he is 21 as well. I have known him for a little over 2 years, and we have been dating about a year and a half.

ONLYHERETOHELP · Mar 17, 2009, 09:47 AM

To be honest, if you two are riding on different roads to your futures, how can you end at the same destination?

h_leann_b · Mar 17, 2009, 09:52 AM

Originally Posted by ONLYHERETOHELP

To be honest, if you two are riding on different roads to your futures, how can you end at the same destination?

That's what Im worried about. But I worry that I will break things off with him, and his mind will change and he will end up married with kids, and not with me :( If I love him so much should I give up what I want to be with him?

ONLYHERETOHELP · Mar 17, 2009, 09:58 AM

Hunnie, you don't want to live your life in the "WHAT IF'". Flip the coin, what if he never changes?

spitvenom · Mar 17, 2009, 10:11 AM

I was dating a girl for 2 years great relationship. I told her I never wanted to have kids she said she wanted a BIG family (like 5 kids) I told her I am not the guy for you then.

We tried to make it work but it started to get annoying when she would always ask me if I changed my mind so we broke up. A year later I started to date my wife, after 6 months I told her I don't want any kids she smiled and said neither do I. We dated about 5 years then got Married this past January.

Scratchmaster · Mar 17, 2009, 10:35 AM

I would say "break up" as far as the relationship goes and be friends if you can, if you are not ready to completely leave him.
Marriage and kids are big issues! If he doesn't want marriage, then he is not committed to the extent that you are. I would question that first. You definitely don't want to be having kids if you are not married. As a previous poster said there are plenty of guys out there that want marriage and kids. For a long term relationship you need more than just "I love him with all my heart". You need to have things in common and especially the biggies, Religion, politics, moral etc. Not that it's impossible, but relationships are hard enough without adding to the pot.

You also might want to encourage him to go through counseling even if you don't stay together. It sounds like he has gone through a lot and that can change a persons perspective on everything!

roxypox · Mar 17, 2009, 10:47 AM

Well it might be a sign that the two of you will walk down two different roads... but as for not wanting kids and marriage, personally I have never wanted either, I could never picture it, or wanting it, but about a year, or a year and a half ago I changed my mind on the kids... (I turn 26 this summer) so he might change his mind as he grows older... but then again he might not... (and of course this is how it was for me,)

But as for the two of you, I guess you'll have to figure out the way you feel about him and if you can see this being something long term, and how compatible the two of you are overall... i.e. goals in life, wants and wishes for the future etc.

h_leann_b · Mar 17, 2009, 11:44 AM

Thank you everyone for your insight. It means a lot.

JudyKayTee · Mar 17, 2009, 12:29 PM

I have learned one thing in my life - BELIEVE what the people you date tell you. He says he doesn't want to get married - he doesn't want to get married. He says he doesn't want kids - he doesn't want kids.

I have friends who have torn themselves apart over married men who have said they are NEVER going to leave their wives. And guess what? They meant it and never did.

If I say something I mean it. I have learned that other people follow the same rule.

h_leann_b · Mar 17, 2009, 02:41 PM

I think I am going to stay with him for now since we have a fun healthy relationship, and we are so young. I suppose when I am actually ready for marriage and kids then I will venture out.

JudyKayTee · Mar 17, 2009, 02:46 PM

Originally Posted by h_leann_b

I think I am going to stay with him for now since we have a fun healthy relationship, and we are so young. I suppose when I am actually ready for marriage and kids then I will venture out.

As long as you are going into this with your eyes wide open so you have no complaints later, have fun!

ONLYHERETOHELP · Mar 17, 2009, 03:10 PM

Originally Posted by h_leann_b

I think I am going to stay with him for now since we have a fun healthy relationship, and we are so young. I suppose when I am actually ready for marriage and kids then I will venture out.

So, this is a part time relationship?

jjwoodhull · Mar 17, 2009, 03:14 PM

Everyone has to learn their own lessons in life - but when you are older you will regret the time you spent on dead end relationships. Hopefully the right person doesn't pass you by while you are with the wrong person.

h_leann_b · Mar 17, 2009, 03:22 PM

Part time relationship? Not sure what that is supposed to mean.. . I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

JudyKayTee · Mar 17, 2009, 03:28 PM

Originally Posted by h_leann_b

Part time relationship? Not sure what that is supposed to mean. .. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

Well, not if you want marriage and/or children.

BUT I will say many years ago I was madly, madly, madly in love with a much older man. He was very, very frank - he was divorced and had no plans to remarry; he would never live with someone younger than his children (I fit into that category); he would never have any more children. He loved me, no question. I loved him, no question. We were simply in different places in our lives - and I was so young!

I wanted marriage and children and a house with a white picket fence. He had already had all of that. He always said he would do ANYTHING to make me happy - anything but marriage, kids, dogs, a house with a picket fence.

We were ALWAYS open and honest with each other - it lasted for a few years and then I wanted more, he meant every word he had said and we parted friends (believe it or not).

And I have NEVER regretted one single minute of the relationship. He was my teacher and mentor in life and an all around wonderful man. He never remarried, never had children. I went on to marriage, (step)children, dogs, a house with a picket fence.

My eyes were wide open, I always knew I had two choices (stay or go) and, again, no regrets.

(This is NOT going to be a popular opinion, I feel it in my bones.)

Go where your heart takes you.

roxypox · Mar 17, 2009, 04:58 PM

I second what judy said! Go where your heart tells you.

If you want to stay with him for now... do that.

Like you said you're both still young.

PS: I've never regretted a relationship either. I honestly believe that the people who participate in your life (good and bad) give you something whether it be good memories or life lessons. (lol and yes, I'm a "the glass is half-full" kind of a girl ;))