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confused1973 · Mar 15, 2009, 03:46 PM

Hi I need help please.
I have been on a long distance relationship for almost 2 years.My boyfriend lives in California and I live in Florida. It has been very hard for me but still going on with it,because I am so in love with him,and he tells me the same thing.
We have seen each other only 7 times since we started dating,but every time has been for more than 3 weeks at a time,still not enough,but for work and family related reasons.
But I am really getting frustrated because I miss him very much and want to see him all the time,insecurities are building up inside of me every day and it's killing me.
I consider myself an attractive woman at least that's what I have been told,anyway I want to be close to him but it seems to me that he doesn't want to just yet,and I don't understand why?if he says that he loves me very much and want to be with me in the future but not now... :confused:please help me I don't know what to do.

chuff · Mar 15, 2009, 04:02 PM

I'm confused too. You say he doesn't want to be close to you, I suspect you both have job's that keep you on opposite ends of the country? If he's not giving his up, are you willing to give yours up and move there? If yes and he doesn't want that, then it's time to move on.

confused1973 · Mar 15, 2009, 04:07 PM

Well I am willing to move there but I have a feeling that he doesn't want me to.Because every time I bring this up he doesn't say anything.

chuff · Mar 15, 2009, 04:15 PM

Originally Posted by confused1973

well i am willing to move there but I have a feeling that he doesn't want me to.Because everytime I bring this up he doesn't say anything.

Well there's your answer. He's into the long distance because it's a booty call every now and then, but not something he wants to commit to.

confused1973 · Mar 15, 2009, 04:29 PM

Ya is just weird though,because I have told him that we should have an open relationship if he doesn't want to commit,but he is against it because he doesn't want to share me with anyone,by the way I am not planning into doing it though,just wanted to see how he would react to it...

chuff · Mar 15, 2009, 05:05 PM

Originally Posted by confused1973

Ya is just weird though,cuz I have told him that we should have an open relationship if he doesn't want to commit

Then it's not a relationship, is it.

confused1973 · Mar 15, 2009, 05:08 PM

I don't know that's why Im so confused.

chuff · Mar 15, 2009, 05:12 PM

What are you confused about?

You live 3000 miles apart.
You only see each other a few times a year.
He doesn't want you to move for him.
You want an open relationship.

Four things I've got out of you in 20 minutes, that doesn't include what you haven't told me. What about about those four things says this is a relationship?

confused1973 · Mar 15, 2009, 05:18 PM

I don't want an open relationship,I just used that to see how his reaction would be,and he told me that he doesn't want to do that because he is much in love with me and so forth... do you understand what I am saying?

chuff · Mar 15, 2009, 05:25 PM

Originally Posted by confused1973

I don't want an open relationship,I just used that to see how his reaction would be,and he told me that he doesn't want to do that because he is much in love with me and so forth....do you understand what I am saying?

Now you are making excuses. I just gave you four reasons that I saw from your posts. Don't focus on the one you weren't serious about. This is not a relationship. This is a long distance booty call. He's got the greatest set up imaginable. He's got a girl on retainer in case he comes down here. Is that who you want to be to a guy? The girl 3000 miles away that he won't commit to?

friend4u178 · Mar 15, 2009, 05:30 PM

He doesn't sound as committed as you to me.

LDR's are hard enough work as it is , but when your both not on the same page it makes it nearly impossible to sustain in the long run.

I think you either decide to put up with the fact he is unwilling to commit at this stage or you finish it and find someone who will.

Good Luck whatever you decide.

confused1973 · Mar 15, 2009, 05:31 PM

I know what you mean,but I am so in love with him and don't know what to do.

chuff · Mar 15, 2009, 05:41 PM

Originally Posted by confused1973

I know what you mean,but I am so in love with him and don't know what to do.

Then stay with him for another two years and get nowhere. Or you could dump him now... which should be easy because he lives 3000 miles away and develop a relationship that is close by or better yet develop a relationship with yourself so that you are never confused about a guy 3000 miles away that won't commit.

nikosmom · Mar 15, 2009, 05:46 PM

As Chuff said, this is NOT a relationship. Just a booty call. Why do you want to hold out for someone that doesn't seem to want the same thing as you?

You don't don't want an open relationship. So don't be in one.

Get someone close to you that will be excited and WILLING to commit to you.

none12345 · Mar 15, 2009, 10:54 PM

Yup I agree with Chuff. I had a LDR well my first relationship is an LDR and I just broke up with her. She lives 200 miles away but I don't see her that often as well. Its hard now I know but just like what chuff said this doesn't seem like to be a relationship and the same things applied to my relationship and trust me it didn't end that well...

Maybe its time to move on and find someone you can be with? At first I didn't even think of that idea because I've been in your shoes and I know that having a long distance relationship is just so hard and most of the time it doesn't work out. Things change, people change too.

I think he's just being selfish, trying to hold onto you along with all the other things he could have near where he lives. But a relationship doesn't work that way. You can't hold onto more than one person because that isn't fair to the other. I've learned it the hard way. Up to this day I still haven't accepted its completely over but I'm trying to but I'm lost because suddenly they are in your future but now their not and that feeling is really horrible.

You just got to make plans of your life for the future without that person in it anymore and its like starting all over. I think you should think about this more and not contact him for a while so you can think without him clouding your thoughts. Im sure that maybe after a week or more of not contacting him you ll realize that you don't actually need them and you deserve better. Although you ll still want him back but that doesn't mean it's the best thing for you. Try focusing on what is the best for you now and you might think being with him is the best thing you ever had but that's how we all see it the first time but your perspective will change after some time thinking about it.

Its also hard to have trust for a long distance relationship because not being able to be with them that often you won't know what really goes on in his life and trust me there are some things they don't want you to know. Is there another girl in his life? He might say no but we ll never really know neh? Im not trying to be negative here its just some things to think about it maybe that's why he's not willing to commit or he doesn't want you to move because than you ll be a complete part of his life and maybe there are things he doesn't want you to find out?

Yah I know its really hard but yah try to take some time off him by not contacting him and start thinking about it and if being with him causing the constant hurt if its really worth it or not. The future is unpredictable and we don't know what might happen. Who knows maybe you ll end up with him maybe not but you got to make a decision that will benefit you and only you.

Anyway just something I wanted to share with you. Actually I'm going through a similar thing and me and my ex didn't end pretty well and now we're broken up because we just couldn't be there in person for each other no and feelings will start to change after a bit and one might decide they don't want to do this anymore and find someone else and leave the other with a broken heart. AKA ME and now I've stopped contacting her and I got to admit this is the best way to heal if you're thinking of moving on. The first few days will be hell but it ll get better as you take each day at a time. Just wanted to share with you some things about my long distance relationship and hope it helps! Actually she was my first love and the most I see her is like once a month but than it gets tiring and too troublesome to make the effort to see each other. I've actually been with her for a while too like 3 years and it ended bad.

Yup hope this helped a little and update us if you need anymore help. Sometimes following the heart isn't the best thing and you got to do what your head tells you lol that's what I've learned anyway good luck!!