[KristalaRista]

Ok so I like this guy, he's a friend. But I already have a boyfriend. My boyfriend and I met last May 08' and he lives 1,000 miles away but his parents live in town. He had to go back to college in May and we decided to try the long distance thing but after a month I broke up with him because I couldn't stand it. Then I was heartbroken and thought I made a huge mistake. We still talked after that. I was an emotional mess and I really missed him. For Thanksgiving I visited him. We became boyfriend and girlfriend again and are in love. He came here for Christmas and New Year's and that was great. We're each others first loves but I'm only 20, he's 22 and I don't want to settle down too quickly. I don't want to do anything rash like I did last time. I just haven't really dated that much and I guess I don't want to miss out on anything. But then if I wanted to see other guys I'd have to break up with him and I can't do that again. I don't think he'd ever trust me again since I hurt him once before. We've already talked about getting married if we can last a couple more years once we graduate college. I don't want to mess up a good thing, but I also want to know what I'm missing. I don't think losing what we have is worth taking a chance on someone else. Then I'd probably be such an emotional mess from breaking up with my love that no one would want me. LOL Does anyone agree or disagree with me? Thoughts, opinions, comments?

[kctiger]

I don't think losing what we have is worth taking a chance on someone else. Then I'd probably be such an emotional mess from breaking up with my love that no one would want me. LOL Does anyone agree or disagree with me? Thoughts, opinions, comments?

If you think this, then I really don't understand the point of your question, but here are a few points I take away from your post.

1. You have no CLUE what it is like not to have a boyfriend at your age. You are becoming an adult, and I would bet money that down the road you two are probably going to break up, maybe not forever, but for an extended period. That break, without him in your life, will be essential in your development.

2. You want to experience life (understandably) and other guys, but, for fear of losing him, and not being able to come back to him, you won't do it. That is a very wrong way of thinking about things, as if you want your cake and the ice cream too.

3. You associate experiencing life with dating other guys. I would classify experiencing life is just doing it without someone else to lean on. You can be single and not hook up with several different guys to "experience" life. When you can live your life without that significant other to always be there for you, that is when the real experiences start to kick in. When you truly rely ONLY on yourself for happiness.

4. You rely heavily on this guy, or any other guy, in your life to make you happy and comfortable, and that is a problem.

I am not saying break up with your current boyfriend, not at all. I wanted to put some points out as food for thought though. You do seem to have a bit of a selfish, "world revovles around me" attitude, which will be a huge wake up call to you eventually.

[HistorianChick]

I see this question as the other side to most of the questions we receive on the Relationship forum.

Most guys/girls come to AMHD asking what they should do about their girlfriend/boyfriend who looking around, not wanting to "miss out" on life, or breaks up with them because they "can't stand distance."

I'm going to be brutally honest; hope this doesn't offend you, but serves as a wake up call.

If you don't want to "miss out" or can't stand the distance, then break up with him and let him find someone who wants to be with him and only him. You're acting like a spoiled child who doesn't get what she wants, and can't stand waiting for what she wants to "come back." Thousands of wives and husbands are living in an uber-long-distance relationship RIGHT NOW as their beloved spouses are overseas, stationed on some desert, some ship, or some rock with the military. The difference between them and you is that they are committed to their relationships.

Your boyfriend trusts you enough to get back togther with you after you break up with him because he went away to school.

If you don't want to be in a committed relationship, then get out.

If you want to find out what you're missing, let him go and find someone who knows that he is all they need.

If you want to play games, don't play with his heart.

Stop being selfish and either commit or let him go. Don't play games.

I apologize if this was harsh, but I've been in a long distance relationship and they can work - if the two people are committed to being in the relationship.

[kctiger]

I apologize if this was harsh, but I've been in a long distance relationship and they can work - if the two people are committed to being in the relationship.

Exactly. Just look at Chicky and I... ;)

[Romefalls19]

Just a quick question to KC and HS, who comes to the forum for help if you guys do eventually part ways? Now that is something I would find funny.


Either be with your boyfriend only and happy with it, or break up with him and let him find someone who is going to give him her all and be happy with him

[kctiger]

Just a quick question to KC and HS, who comes to the forum for help if you guys do eventually part ways? Now that is something I would find funny.

Either be with your boyfriend only and happy with it, or break up with him and let him find someone who is going to give him her all and be happy with him

I have a feeling I would be on the losing end of that. I would be turned into the A-Hole that couldn't learn how to treat a lady... also wasn't good at playing patty-cake!

[HistorianChick]

LOL!! You guys sure can make a girl blush!! Shhh... pattycake is "our little secret" KC... ;)

No more thread sabotaging, boys... or I'll have to send my Jessica Rabbit Gorilla Guards after you all... :D

[talaniman]

You guys are nuts!!

Krista, I think you need to figure out what you want to do with yourself, and do it. Generally when someone is wishy washy about there partner, they are either afraid to be alone, or confused about who they are. Which are you??

[KristalaRista]

Thanks for the tough love! In answer to the first response that said we would probably eventually break up, I don't think so. I did that before after our first month of being separated and then I was devastated with my choice. I think we're meant to be. I don't think I need to experience living solo because I've done that before. It's not like I need to "find myself" or something. I was just having doubts because 1) we're really young 2) we live far apart 3) it's just really hard. Reasons to stay together: we're in love, we can make it work if we both stay committed like Historian Chick said, and we want to be together. I just have to remind myself that most things worthwhile in life are hard. I really like all that Historian Chick said.

[kctiger]

thanks for the tough love! in answer to the first response that said we would probably eventually break up, I don't think so. I did that before after our first month of being separated and then I was devastated with my choice. I think we're meant to be. I don't think I need to experience living solo because I've done that before. It's not like I need to "find myself" or something. I was just having doubts because 1) we're really young 2) we live far apart 3) it's just really hard. Reasons to stay together: we're in love, we can make it work if we both stay comitted like Historian Chick said, and we want to be together. I just have to remind myself that most things worthwhile in life are hard. I really like all that Historian Chick said.

No offense, but I don't really think you are that committed to him if you are on here asking this question. Why would you need a board full of strangers' opinions if you are so confident you are "meant to be." The three reasons you gave, to me at least, that you are having doubts still don't add up. I could come on here with three reasons I have doubts about something working, yet it really doesn't matter... it is the "x" factor that matters. I.E.: How you both work together at having a relationship. All three reasons you wrote that you should stay together: we're in love, we can make it work if we both stay comitted like Historian Chick said, and we want to be together... that is EVERY relationship, until it breaks. I hope you guys do stay together, but no mention of you "liking" another guy while you have a boyfriend was mentioned as one of your reasons as to why you asked this question in the first place... just food for thought. My points in the original response to you were DEAD ON as far as your thinking mode right now, at least from what you wrote.

The title of your thread, "Man Dilemma" usually insinuates that you are having trouble deciding between two different men... so, your "meant to be" and we are "so in love" and we really "want to be together" attitude doesn't really stick to that story.

[MorganleFay]

It sounds like you all think I should break up with him by the way I'm talking. I hate being so wishy-washy. When we're together I'm really happy, but I don't know if I can handle the heartache of being apart for so long. I wonder what he would say if I asked him if we could be together but still be able to see other people. Would I be okay with him seeing other people? I guess if I was doing it then it would be OK if he did it too but I still wouldn't like it. I know how you said I want my cake and to eat it too, and that's true. I am that way. It's immature. I'm just really indecisive. I thought my love for him was enough to make it through, but now I'm not sure. Maybe it would be easier to just let go. Not to see other guys but just to be released. It's weird because I know I would really miss him terribly but I think I would be glad to be out of it. I would still want to talk to him and I would still love him and I would still be jealous of other girls, but I don't know if I would want to be in the relationship still tied down. Maybe all this energy and heartache from being apart isn't worth it. If we were in the same city then it wouldn't be this hard. Not having the physical closeness is killing me. Maybe I'm not strong enough for this. Maybe it's just not the right time. Timing is everything.

[MorganleFay]

This is my problem: the grass is always greener on the other side for me. When I'm not in a relationship, I want to be in one and when I am in one, I want to be out. I guess when things get hard, I bolt. I want what I can't have. Maybe that's why I want him, because he's far away and I can't have him! Wow, that's really interesting! I see a pattern! Darn it! I don't want to be right about that. If that's the reason why I want him, because I can't have him, then there's something really wrong with me. How would I break that way of thinking, of wanting what I can't have?

[MorganleFay]

I need a shrink or to just stay away from men until I figure myself out. Maybe I just don't know what I want. Maybe that's why I shouldn't be in a relationship, especially a long-distance one. Why would it take me so long to figure this out? I feel sick. I'm flying over to see him on April 8th so I probably shouldn't do anything about this until after that. Maybe seeing him again will help me decide, but I feel like I've already decided. I just feel like if I break up with him again then we'll never get back together, I would miss him terribly, and I would feel horrible for doing that to him again. I can't believe I'm even contemplating this because I shouldn't be. I should be happy with what we have. I just hate being so far apart.

[MorganleFay]

There's always going to be tough times in a relationship. The question is: how do we make it through? How do we do this? I've tried focusing on school, work, hanging out with friends, and doing anything to not think about how much I hate the long distance. It doesn't seem as hard for him. He says he's so busy with school that it doesn't really bother him that much. He misses me, but it seems easier for him. I don't know why. I wish it was easier for me.

[talaniman]

Wow, did you change usernames Krista??

[MorganleFay]

Yeah but how does that help me by pointing that out talaniman?

[talaniman]

It cuts down the confusion of who we are talking to. Then you can keep the confidence of those who wish to give you feedback.

[talaniman]

See if this helps bring you some insights.

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky