[Laura Raine]

Hi... I'm new to this site but I really need advice from someone who has been in the same situation.
I've been with my partner for 7 years and lived together 5 years. I adore him so much but I've always felt he's never felt the same about me. He never tells me he loves me and shows me no affection at all. His parents split up 3 years ago after 30 years of marriage and he's now VERY anti marriage. He's told me he'll never get married!
When we first got together - sex was great but over the past few years it's dwindled a bit like all relationships do.
However, we rented before and bought a house a year past August. Since then things have gone from bad to worse. There's no affection from him at all, I try to initiate cuddles but we never kiss and sex is now none existence. (Only twice in 5 months). Things came to a head 2 weeks ago and he told me he thinks I've put on weight (I've put a stone and a half on since we met 7 years ago!) and he says I no longer turn him on and he's not attracted to me anymore... He doesn't want to split up and has promised things will change but up till now absolutely nothing has changed and I can't see things ever changing between us. He's 29 and I'm 37. We do get on well together and on the whole live comfortably with each other but this lack of love, sex and affection is dragging me down. He told me last week (for the first time in 6 months - that he loves me)!
Should I stay and try to sort this or have we come to the end of a long painful road?

[kp2171]

only you can decide if you are willing to be a roommate and not a lover.

I couldn't do it. Some can.

I have an aunt who, now in her 60's... at a time in her life when she thought shed be traveling the world with her successful husband, is so alone. He's fine being around her. Being her roommate. But he really isn't interested in her. She could come or go...

and the thing is... they always got along. Sure, affection dropped off, but she attributed this to a "normal" thing with time and age and business with life. She never thought once the nest was empty and the bank accounts were full that shed be left like this...

free to come and go, but no affection. No real love. No romance.

people write in here all the time saying "hes a great guy BUT"...

I can't tell you if its right enough or wrong enough for you to say that you deserve more.

intimacy is important to me... and that doesn't mean sex. Not to knock a great orgasm, but id trade an orgasm for several days of attentive, tender, consistent touch. Id rather my love kiss me every night like she means it than service me to get it over with.

you can talk about frequency of sex... but what you are really missing is frequent sensuality.

I wish I could tell you what's best for you... to back off or not.

personally, I just couldn't live in proximity to a person I loved deeply, who didn't respond to my needs. Id probably rather live without that love and hurt than to live with that love and be tortured.

a good book to read is Chapman's Five Love Languages. Talks about how mates express devotion to each other... and what you find is that sometimes your partners needs aren't yours. Sensual touch is high on my scale, but lower on my loves. She valued quality time more than me and I often performed acts of service. What all this meant is, when going through a rough spot, we both read the book and were able to see how we each were showing devotion, but in the wrong "dialect"... we kept missing each others attempts.

not all people can share books like this, but its one of my fav ways to open up dialogue that isn't always easy, whether its relationship issues, money issues, sex.

when my lover read, marked, and dogeared pages of She Comes First, you'd better believe I picked it up after she was done and paid attention to those places that seemed to interest her. When she read Chapman's book, I took it up right after her and we were soon using some of the ideas in the book to relate. Just a thought.

[liz28]

I know a couple right now that is married but from an outsider looking in everything might seem like things are going good between them but they aren't. She told me herself that they live like bother and sister rather then husband and wife and I could tell from her eyes that she was hurting but she accepts things the way they are because of her age and she's afraid to start over. How sad!

Like KP I could never live like this with my partner I would rather leave if things won't change. But he is trying to make you feel bad by commenting on your weight the way he did. Maybe his parents break up got to him a lot and in return it is damaging your relationship. However if he was up to it and agree to it maybe the two of you seeing a relationship counselor would help but even if you don't see one and express your feelings about this and nothing change than it might be time to throw in the towel.

However it won't stop there because did the two of you purchase the house together because this can be another big mess if things ends.

[t5styles333]

I hope this doesn't come off insensitive, but you really should leave. Best wishes.

[talaniman]

You need a vacation from him, to let the emotional dust settle, and enjoy yourself, so hopefully, you can get some clarity, about how to make some changes that makes you happy, and what changes to make.