[KatLKN]

I am at a really strange place in my life right now, and could use a little help figuring out where to go from here. I have been married for the past 29 years (since I was 20) to a really great guy. He is my best friend; we get along well, have great and frequent sex, raised 3 great kids together, and have made a pretty comfortable life together. We don’t have a lot of money, but we are getting by without a lot of debt or money issues. This past year has been a really wild ride for me however. Our twin daughters started college a year ago, and about the same time I found myself placing a profile on the internet dating sites and talking with other men, even going so far as to meet a couple of them (no sex so far, just a little light “petting”, which actually to me feels as bad as if I was committing adultery). Our marriage has been monogamous up to this point.

I thought I was just bored and looking for some excitement, but I am realizing it is much more than that. My husband is a very quiet person, quite content within himself. He has lots of hobbies…golfing, fishing, playing music with several bands, practicing music when not playing with someone, watching sports on TV (football, basketball, golf and baseball). When the kids were home I had plenty to keep me company, now I just look at him and picture myself lonely for the next 30 years. I sat him down about 3 months ago and told him how lonely I was and asked him if he would be happier without me. He became pretty upset and has tried sooo hard since then to be more attentive. We started going out to hear bands, and making a point of trying to talk and do more together. He is a great listener, but unless we are having sex or talking about the kids, there is still not much communication there. I seem to be the only one with something to say, and it feels like pulling teeth to get anything out of him. Now I find myself making excuses to go onto the internet and talk to the fellas. I can’t wait for him to go fishing, or practice his music or play golf.

Realistically, this boils down to personality and character differences. We just do not enjoy the same things in life. I need a partner to share life with --someone exciting - who can walk into a strange bar and have a great time getting telling stories and getting to know the other folks there. Someone I could travel with and talk a mile a minute about everything under the sun, who is able to grab me by the hand and take me to new adventures. Now my kids are gone and I am free to really enjoy life, but all I do is feel alone and resentful. Even if he completely gave up golf, fishing and music to spend every minute with me, we would still just be sitting there looking at each other. He is not good talking with other people, he does not read anything besides the funnies and golf magazines, never watches the news. Without the kids we just do not have anything to talk about... We really have very few interests in common.

Now I have met someone on the internet who is really interesting. We do have a lot in common, he is fun, funny, smart, etc, etc…. Of course I realize much of this is just early infatuation, but it painfully points out to me how much I am missing with my husband.

I saw a counselor for awhile last fall but at $100 an hour I could not afford it for long. She basically told me I needed to make some friends and get a hobby (don’t think this was quite what she had in mind). I did stop for a few months, but got so lonely and depressed, I rejoined. I have trouble making female friends, not sure why, and this is my first experience with male friends (who I seem to have a lot better rapport with). Anyway, I am actually strongly considering striking out on my own. I am not being fair to my husband by sneaking around, and will probably eventually have an affair. But it would hurt him deeply if I left, and I really do love him. We are just so different, and I am so unhappy. And the idea of being on my own scares me to death. Any suggestions?

[maida1984]

Wow I understand you too. I have problems making female friends it sounds like your husband is in his own world. Just like mine. My husband prefers to spend time with his buddies than with me. He seems to see me as someone who is going to stick around at home and have meals prepared for him.. does that seem like your husband too? Please don't cheat. That hurts too much. I would suggest you to tell him that things are not looking good in the relationship. Tell him that you are thinking about separating from him because he seems to be into his own things and you married him for one reason and it was to have him as a life long companion and it doesn't feel that way anymore. You don't nessesarily have to split up after that talk but just wait to see how he reacts. Remember some people don't appreciate what they have till its gone.

[aqua@home]

I have a few thoughts:

You said that even if he completely gave up all he likes to do, you still would have nothing in common. I ask you... why the heck should he do that? Why not try joining him with some of the things he enjoys doing? I think couples should work together. You are never going to be the same and you are always going to enjoy different things. Why can't you have something's you do alone and something's you do together? Why can't you go fishing, and he take you dancing (or whatever)? A little compromise will do wonders.

You said that since you told him how you felt he has tried. People do not change overnight, and you only told him 3 months ago, it takes time. I suggest that the two of you keep talking and keep 3rd, 4th... parties out of it.

You may not like what I am about to say, but I feel that I need to say it. I think the mistake came when you decided to check out the dating sites. One little thing starts and then it just snowballs. What exactly did you think was going to happen? I think you feel just as bad "petting" as if you were cheating because, in my books that IS cheating. If I ever caught my husband "petting", or even emotionally involved with someone else, I would tell him to hit the door. The moment you let the thought of an affair in, is the same moment you should kick it out. If you are married, cheating should never be an option.

I'm sure your husband will be very upset if you decided to separate or get a divorce. I'm even more sure that it wouldn't be nearly as bad as if he found out exactly what was going on. Also, think of your children, do you want them to hear that their mother cheated on their father or do you think it would be better if you just separated? You will hurt everyone (including yourself) if you decide to go any further without dealing with your marriage first. There can be no excuses, you make your own decisions. You can't be afraid to hurt your husband or your kids or ruin you life because that will be inevitable if you continue on the path you are going. It's just that one way is honorable, for lack of a better word, and one way is just plain selfish.

BTW... I grew up in a home where there was much infidelity and it did nothing but harm my own relationships as an adult not to mention what it did to my parents. Their marriage may have been salvagable if there were no other parties involved. It really rips a family apart.

I really hope you figure this one out before anyone is hurt anymore.

[talaniman]

One question please. After 29 years and 3 kids who are gone now, why would the first thing you do, be to cheat on a husband you admit was good enough for 29 years? Sorry I don't see it. How about a hobby? Work? Volunteering , anything but... Cheating? Great and frequent sex, yet you need a man? Maybe you have empty nest syndrome, been there done that. When you have spent your life doing for others and now you have a lot of time on your hands and nothing to do. Other men is the wrong choice. I hope you find a better way to spend what should be a great time in your life. Go fishing or take up golf my gosh, but cheating doesn't reflect on your character much, and I am trying to be nice. So let me go tell my wife of 32 years thanks for sticking by me. So hard not to be judgemental but I just don't get it.

[valinors_sorrow]

I think you owe it to yourself to recognise how dishonest you are being. Then you need to sit your best friend down to have a frank and honest conversation about where you are. All of it. Immediately. Any decisions that comes from that need to be mutual, whether it be attempts at a marriage makeover, visits to the marriage counselor, or a separation. This whole post is about dishonesty first and foremost and if you don't clear that up right now, nothing good will follow regardless of what you do and who you do it with. Sorry to sound harsh but that is the only way out as I see it. You have a right to be happy but it follows a responsibility to be truthful-- otherwise its happiness forged from selfishness and the world proves how very temporary that is!

As to not finding it easy to make female friends, I can only say this: I have yet to see this NOT be true-- that the women who have trouble making female friends are ones who tend to be full of it, and they don't want to withstand the scrutiny females are able to give females just like males can with males... so that doesn't bode well for you in the honesty department either. Look around and observe that all the great con artists are mostly surrounded by the opposite sex. If there was ever a time when you NEED female friends, honey, this is it!

I hope you can muster the courage to do the right thing here, Kat.

[aqua@home]

You have a right to be happy but it follows a responsibility to be truthful-- otherwise its happiness forged from selfishness and the world proves how very temporary that is!

I like all of what you said. I agree that she has the right to be happy but not at the expense of others.

You have been given great advice from everyone so far!

[KatLKN]

Thank you so much for your very honest and insightful replies. You have certainly given me a lot to think about and helped to put much into perspective for me.

I too am very concerned about the dishonesty I am exhibiting. Quite frankly this is extremely out of character for me….28 years of never even flirting with another man. The fact that I now find myself doing this is totally a red flag screaming to me that there is something seriously wrong with this relationship and that I am desperately unhappy.

Ok, lets assume that I have completely closed down the internet stuff, started volunteering at the local soup kitchen, have joined a book club and now go fishing every week (sitting 4 hours at a stretch on a boat in the middle of the lake with only the sound of the birds chirping). This still does not address the real issue… which I raised in this paragraph…

“Realistically, this boils down to personality and character differences. We just do not enjoy the same things in life. I need a partner to share life with --someone exciting - who can walk into a strange bar and have a great time getting telling stories and getting to know the other folks there. Someone I could travel with and talk a mile a minute about everything under the sun, who is able to grab me by the hand and take me to new adventures. Now my kids are gone and I am free to really enjoy life, but all I do is feel alone and resentful. Even if he completely gave up golf, fishing and music to spend every minute with me, we would still just be sitting there looking at each other. He is not good talking with other people, he does not read anything besides the funnies and golf magazines, never watches the news. Without the kids we just do not have anything to talk about... We really have very few interests in common.”

I am still spending many hours alone, and when I am not physically alone, I still feel alone. When the kids were home, I did not notice the silence…but can I handle this feeling for the next 30 years? How can I change to be able to accept and be happy with our differences? Is it even possible?

I think the internet thing may have been a practice run for me to see if I would even be attractive or attracted to someone else (I have worked at home for the past 15 years). It is not something I plan to continue and I very much agree it is wrong. The thought of going out on my own scares the crap out of me, but the thought of things continuing the way they are scares me even more. Thanks again for your insights.

[valinors_sorrow]

This still does not address the real issue… which I raised in this paragraph…

“Realistically, this boils down to personality and character differences. We just do not enjoy the same things in life. I need a partner to share life with --someone exciting - who can walk into a strange bar and have a great time getting telling stories and getting to know the other folks there. Someone I could travel with and talk a mile a minute about everything under the sun, who is able to grab me by the hand and take me to new adventures. Now my kids are gone and I am free to really enjoy life, but all I do is feel alone and resentful. Even if he completely gave up golf, fishing and music to spend every minute with me, we would still just be sitting there looking at each other. He is not good talking with other people, he does not read anything besides the funnies and golf magazines, never watches the news. Without the kids we just do not have anything to talk about... We really have very few interests in common.”

The real issue is continues to be your dishonesty. What I see is someone with a stifling relationship with a dull partner as a way to justify the still ongoing dishonesty. I believe you are "very concerned about the dishonesty" but oddly enough, you don't claim it as yours and it looks as if you have done nothing about it too?

How can I change to be able to accept and be happy with our differences? Is it even possible?

Change is possible, and I recommended the only way I thought possible and yet you very neatly skipped over it. I understand and believe you about needing a more exciting partner... but does your partner know this? Could it be you just won't or can't get honest?

Look, if your morals allow you to make an end run around him and live with yourself, so be it... but I don't think its going to solve anything from what I know of how the world works. If you are looking for permission, you have my permission to up and walk right out on him this minute, since you've virtually done that in your heart already. It would at least be a whole lot more honest than what you have and I'll bet are continuing to do. Poor guy. You know in the back of your mind that if you had some quality girlfriends they would be all over you about what you've been doing, don't you?

[KatLKN]

Now I am confused... I thought I had addressed that part of your concerns...

"I too am very concerned about the dishonesty I am exhibiting. Quite frankly this is extremely out of character for me….28 years of never even flirting with another man. The fact that I now find myself doing this is totally a red flag screaming to me that there is something seriously wrong with this relationship and that I am desperately unhappy.

Ok, lets assume that I have completely closed down the internet stuff,"

Now what do I do...

[aqua@home]

I think talaniman said it best when he said that your husband was good enough for 29 years... why? I understand you think you have nothing in common, but have you looked? Have you really tried? Honestly? Why do you suddenly want to go to strange bars?

I don't think you should stay if you are truly unhappy. Maybe you should work on yourself, find out what you are missing. Find things that fill you up, things you will enjoy. Start with that, then bring your husband into it. Maybe he too would like something new and just doesn't know it. I'm pretty sure what you are missing or needing is not in the bar.

I think you are getting too much attention from outside sources and that is not fair to your husband. You found men on the internet and I wouldn't be surprised if you found men everywhere you go. You will attract what you think you are missing. It sounds like you are making up excuses to justify your feelings. Look at what changed when you started feeling this way. Was it the kids moving out? Was it too much time on your hands?

I suggest you get some counselling and then the two of you get some marriage counselling. I think you will get through this if you really want to. I would try to keep my marriage in tact because it sounds like you have a husband who is at least willing to put some effort forth. So many men just wouldn't care.

[valinors_sorrow]

Now I am confused....I thought I had addressed that part of your concerns....

"I too am very concerned about the dishonesty I am exhibiting. Quite frankly this is extremely out of character for me….28 years of never even flirting with another man. The fact that I now find myself doing this is totally a red flag screaming to me that there is something seriously wrong with this relationship and that I am desperately unhappy.

Ok, lets assume that I have completely closed down the internet stuff,"

Now what do I do...

Reread my first post. If you have any questions about what I suggest needs to be done, please feel free to ask. And if you don't want my help, I can easily quit posting too. No hard feelings. Its your life, after all.

By the way... "Ok, lets assume that I have completely closed down the internet stuff," --- that's a slippery slope way of talking about it. You either have or have not shut it down. If you meant for the sake of argument or theoretically, then better to say that...

[aqua@home]

"The fact that I now find myself doing this is totally a red flag screaming to me that there is something seriously wrong with this relationship and that I am desperately unhappy."



I think the problem I have with this statement is you say you "find yourself....". In that statement you are not taking responsibility for your actions. It's like you are subconsciously doing it, and not realizing that you are making the decision to do it.

[talaniman]

In the interest of being fair tell your husband exactly what you told us and pack your bags and leave. He doesn't deserve the deceit and infidelity, so be nice and go quickly so he can find peace with someone who deserves a good companion. Explain to your children how dull daddy is and the terrible loneliness you had to endure for their sake. Tell them of all you have sacrificed over the years and how its your turn to be selfish. And make sure they understand how instead of working it out you chose to cheat on their father. Now go shack with that exciting partner and expect a lot of understanding from your kids and that boring human who thought he had a life partner, the fool!! It is not he who is silent It was you. Get help or leave are the only choices that make sense to me.

[aqua@home]

The only thing left I can add is if the situation were reverse, what would you want your husband to do? How would you want to be treated by someone whom you've shared the last 29 years of your life with? The same person you have promised to love and cherish, all the while raising children, loving each other and supporting each other.

I don't think it is a midlife crisis, I think your situation has changed and you don't quite know how to handle it.

[s_cianci]

To an extent you probably are experiencing the so-called "empty-nest" crisis. Your kids have left home so now it's only the two of you. Obviously your husband is a very reserved man. That doesn't make him a bad person ; maybe just something that's difficult for you personally to relate to. But he is your husband and you have the obligation to make the effort. He's been faithful to you for the last 29 years and you should be counting your blessings. Actually the counselor's suggestion about making some (female) friends (in person, not online) and getting a hobby isn't a bad idea. Evidently your husband has his share of hobbies so why not have a few of your own as well? That's a much healthier alternative to meeting men online and actually having contact with them, including physical activity that's clearly inappropriate for a married woman. Think about the repercussions if you allow something like this to break up your family. You'll have set yourself up as the "bad guy" and lose the respect of your husband, your kids, your extended family and friends. You'll also put yourself in financial jeopardy and, with your kids being grown, won't be entitled too much in the way of alimony or support, especially since you'll have initiated the breakup. Is it really worth it, only to find a man online who, in a few years, will have had his share of fun with you and drop you like a hot potato, regardless of how "interesting" they may seem now? All because you're "the only one with something to say?" Certainly it doesn't sound worth it to me.

[salsa14]

My father has been cheating on my mother for some time now. Honestly if you are not happy you need to tell your husband what you are doing. Not only are you hurting your husband but you are hurting your children too. Because you are going through some lonely crisis (not being rude sorry) you are risking losing everything that you have ever worked for. Do you really want to lose everything? I resent my father for what he is doing. The woman that he is with is young enough to be my sister and it kills me. Please just rethink what you are doing before you make the same mistake my father did.

[crossimgover]

My parents have been married for almost 24 years and they were high school sweethearts a typical romantic love story, and they are so in love until now. They have three kids and I am the eldest so I was away since long time, but only recently my sister and brother both left for university at the same time. And they were left alone... Suddenly there was this killing silence between them. My patents and I spent time in research and reading trying to find out what the hell is going on and the answer was very simple.

They have been sharing one interest or in other words one subject that kept them both interested all the time, and that was US. And now there is no US and therefore there is nothing much to be talking about...

WHAT you need to be doing is trying to find brand new interests that you both can share, but before you do that. You need to honestly sit and ask yourself
1) do you still love this man?
2) do you want this marriage to pursue or to end?
3) what are you going to do about it?
If you love your hubby and you want to save your marriage, then at that point you will know exactly what to do. Because you will be doing everything you can to save and continue this marriage. But if you don't , then you won't be having the effort to save it!

Its not about him and its not about what he is doing or not doing. Its about you, about you realizing and panicking about where your life is heading and what you want to do about it. Soyou have to make the decision!

One last thing, you have mentioned that you do not want to spend the next 30 years lonely. It doesn't have to be this way, we decide how we want our lives to be shaped, its in our hands