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formerpartygirl · Mar 5, 2009, 03:00 PM

My boyfriend is 20 yrs older than I am and when we first got together we had sex all the time. It has now been almost a year and he doesn't even seem interested in sex. We have a great relationship apart from no nookie... but now I am feeling the desire to stray. What should I do?

smalltowngal · Mar 5, 2009, 03:16 PM

Cheating NEVER helps. If you aren't happy in this relationship, move and then find someone else to be with. But before you do that, have you talked to him about this? What does he say about it?

kp2171 · Mar 6, 2009, 03:46 AM

Please don't cheat.

If you cannot live in this reality, change it for the better.

You need to talk to him about your needs and your desires. If all that kept him going on the front side was the "shiny, new gf" factor, then you know his baseline drive is much lower and he was running on the fumes of having a "new" lover.

Issues with libido can be tied to many things... and even the "newness" factor enters into most relationships at some level. When I was 16 I didn't know much of anything. Just seeing a bra strap gave steel piercing erections. Now... I'm not going to say a new set of bra/panties won't get the blood moving... but I'm a little desensitized. Been there, seen that. Doesn't mean I'm not moved or interested, but the discovery element is not as intense.

Does that mean all experienced lovers are doomed to a numbed state of decreased sexuality? Hell no.

A lot of things play into libido and sexual function. And when there are problems, it can be the summation of many little things.

Your mind is your most important errogenous zone. That he could perform well before, and isn't now, seems to indicate that his drive is just naturally lower than yours, and he was riding on the heightened emotions that come with the start of all new relationships. Were he to have performance issues, id say some other things... but you didn't seem to indicate that there were any issues tied to ED before.

There are things to consider. Exercise is one of the best things to prime me sexually. The more fit I feel, the better I feel, the more myself confidence soars, and all of this usually translates into an increased libido. So... is he active? Work out? How is his fitness?

Any changes in his health? Illness? Job changes? Stress? Financial problems? How are things otherwise in the relationship?

Not to make you divulge more than you wish, but it is an adult sexuality forum, so its mostly no holds barred here. You said sex was often before. Fine. How was it? Were you satisfied? Did he hit orgasm? Did you? Did he initiate? Mostly intercourse? Oral? Do you live together? Have private space together?

Tell only what you want... but all we know is you had sex often and now you don't.

bronzebabe · Mar 6, 2009, 06:14 AM

Have you even talked to him about this?? Something is wrong, and you need to talk about it...if you cheat, the relationship is Over, so don't...

smoothy · Mar 6, 2009, 09:22 AM

It very well might be totally unrelated stress, or medical issues or both. Is he on any medications for HIgh blood pressure etc. Lot of things can converge to cause this, and any one alone can do it too.

shyfoxie · Mar 9, 2009, 12:06 PM

The older a guy gets, the more his sex drive will naturally decrease. I think Kinsey found that the average age of cessation of sex for single guys was 58, and a year or two later in a relationship. He's not up there yet, but a gradual decline is expected.

And if he's got a pretty young girlfriend, that'd explain why he was so good for the first year. What guy wouldn't feel an increase in his libido? But this is something the both of you will need to work out. I suppose you could look into getting toys if you really need release.