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starlite1 · Mar 5, 2009, 06:47 AM

Hi Everyone,

I apologize that it has been a while since I have been here. Just to give some backround. I was in love with the man who moved to Georgia, we patched things up but then we both broke the relationship off for good. I decided not to move down there because of the past on again off again relationship that we had.

Anyway, fast forward... I met someone new last year and we have been together since the summer. He is definitely a kind, caring person towards me and for the most part we get along great. I, as those of you who know me, have insecurities about myself that I am on medication for and seeing a therapist once a week to deal with them. But, my man has pics of other women on his computer. Just pics of models, pretty women, etc. He also has pics of his ex wife and ex girlfriend as well. He says I have nothing at all to ever worry about, he has the ones of his ex's because it's part of his past, and the others of strangers he has to raz the guys at work. Is this normal for men to do? Do you think I have anything to be concerned or worried about?

Thanks everyone.
Starlite

shazamataz · Mar 5, 2009, 06:59 AM

I was looking on my partners computer ages back and he had the same sort of pictures you mentioned. Although I doubt he would be cheating on me with Angelina Jolie there were some other photos that I found and confronted him about. He said they were nothing to worry about. About 2 months later I found a web site address that I hadn't heard of before in his favourites list... I clicked on it and he was still logged into this chat site... I read some of the messages... I wish I hadn't, they were pure filth. And surprise surprise the girl he was talking to was the girl in the photos.
And although everyone is going to say I was stupid for staying with him, it was only chatting over the internet and all of the messages/fantasies were pretty much all the things I wouldn't do with him. I guess in my head I told myself it was a bit of a release for him. After much yelling and screaming at him he has never even touched a computer since.

I'm not saying that your situation is anything like this and it may really be harmless but I thought I should share my story :)

MiSSsy111222 · Mar 5, 2009, 07:02 AM

Hmm well I think it is quite normal for some. Once me and my ex broke up I threw EVERYTHING out, including pictures. Last time I knew he still has my pictures on his computer. So maybe it is normal. For me I just couldn't stand to look at them anymore- everyone is different.

Talk to him about it if it upsets you.

starlite1 · Mar 5, 2009, 07:19 AM

Thanks Shaza and Misssy,

He says that he has nothing to hide with me that his computer, phone, etc is an open book and that I have nothing ever to worry about. But yet, it still leaves me wondering if there is something missing in our relationship that he is looking for with those pics. My insecurties get the best of me, and I have to not be so sensitive, espescially if he keeps telling me I have nothing to worry about. Yet, I get scared.
Should I be?

MiSSsy111222 · Mar 5, 2009, 07:33 AM

[QUOTE=starlite1;1585613]Thanks Shaza and Misssy,

Its good that its all open this shows that he is not hiding anything,

But yet, it still leaves me wondering if there is something missing in our relationship that he is looking for with those pics

I'm not sure about this question. Looking at pictures does not mean much, maybe bringing back a few memories but this is normal. You have to remember that he is with you now. If there is something missing in your relationship then try to figure it out- and work on it.

If these picture make you feel that uncomfortable then ask him to remove them. But talk to him about it, I don't think you need to be scared.

starlite1 · Mar 5, 2009, 07:36 AM

Thank you Misssy, I guess it is my own insecurities getting in the way. I really upset him last night, because I told him that I was feeling insecure, and he automatically thought that I was blaming my insecurities on him and that he felt that he had to defend himself for doing nothing wrong. I feel so badly about how I act, insecurity is evil, and I hope my therapy can help me.

MiSSsy111222 · Mar 5, 2009, 07:43 AM

Originally Posted by starlite1

Thank you Misssy, I guess it is my own insecurities getting in the way. I really upset him last night, because I told him that I was feeling insecure, and he automatically thought that I was blaming my insecurities on him and that he felt that he had to defend himself for doing nothing wrong. I feel so badly about how I act, insecurity is evil, and I hope my therapy can help me.

Your welcome, I hope I could help. . The only way you can solve a problem in a relationship is by talking about it. And don't feel bad insecurity is an natural feeling. I hope your therapy helps.

starlite1 · Mar 5, 2009, 07:44 AM

Thanks so much. Any ideas on how I can not let those pics or anything bother me to the point that I go and cry and ask him to validate his love for me?

MiSSsy111222 · Mar 5, 2009, 07:47 AM

Ask him to remove them?

starlite1 · Mar 5, 2009, 07:49 AM

Actually, I'd rather he didn't because then I would be afraid he would start hiding things and being very closed. The fact that he is so open is a good thing, this way it shows that he isn't doing anything wrong or being sneeky.

Romefalls19 · Mar 5, 2009, 08:08 AM

I wouldn't be too worried about the pics of other ladies, however, the pics of exes is a little much for me. That stuff should be put on a thumb drive(equivalent of a photo album these days) and put into a box for his memories.

I don't have any pics of my exes around my house, I threw them all away when the relationship ended. I don't need the reminders of past failings, my memory is enough to bring them back if I need too.

starlite1 · Mar 5, 2009, 08:11 AM

Hi Rome!

Thanks for responding, it is great hearing from you! I actually feel the same way you do. I don't have any pics of my ex's not even my ex husband anymore. I have my memories. Is it a bad thing, in your opinion that he still has pics of his ex's?

shazamataz · Mar 5, 2009, 08:13 AM

My partner still had pics of his ex's from waaaaaaaay back but I told him it bothered me and deleted them.
If it really is bothering you and he knows it then I don't see why he would want to keep them. They are in the past... you are the present.

UnluckyDucky · Mar 5, 2009, 08:13 AM

I'm a guy and I keep a few items and pictures of old ex-girlfriends as they were part of my past. Just because they aren't in my life anymore it doesn't mean I didn't have happy moments with them. The only other kind of pictures are of girls who my friends send me but nothing really that I would imagine anyone would be worried about. I think its pretty normal as most of my buddies have similar pics of that nature you speak of and they are in committed long term relationships.

I don't think it's a good idea to ask him to remove them because that not only makes you look extremely insecure but he may look at that request as controlling or nagging as well. Obviously though if it was something like porn and you had an issue with porn, that would be something you could bring up. But, it is good that he's very open about it. Honestly from what information you've provided it doesn't sound like anything is going on and if he's not acting unusual or his behavior hasn't changed, I wouldn't worry too much about this.

I'm no expert in this matter however as far as addressing your insecurity issues, keep going to the therapist as it sounds there may be an underlying issue from the past that could potentially be bringing these feelings to the surface.

Romefalls19 · Mar 5, 2009, 08:17 AM

I wouldn't say it's a bad thing, perhaps calmly explaining to him an alternative, like the jump drive idea. Simply explain how you feel about it(don't let the other girls bother you, just the exes) Tell him that you don't want him to get rid of the pictures all together, but just put them aside so you do not find them. While I agree with some posts saying it's pushy to him, but you can find a neutral ground on this issue and a solid communication base for a relationship is perfect for building a life long commitment to each other. After the conversation, see where you two stand as more than likely, if he is a great guy, he will take your feelings into consideration and put those pictures aside.

starlite1 · Mar 5, 2009, 08:17 AM

Thanks Ducky and Shaza,

I don't want to ask him to delete them, as I don't want to come off in a bad way to him. He is always honest with me and his life is an open book which is good, but my insecurities get in the way. I don't want to lose this man. I do love him. But I understand that my crying and getting scared pushes him too. How do I not let myself get crazy over silly things like pictures?

starlite1 · Mar 5, 2009, 08:21 AM

Thanks Rome, it's also the fact that he has them at all I guess. I feel as though he still fantasises about them or something.

Romefalls19 · Mar 5, 2009, 08:27 AM

You insecurities sound a lot like mine, I went to therapy and read books about jealousy and things of that accord. It's a constant uphill battle, that I find myself slip down sometimes. If you've been cheated on by someone you love, naturally your mind will tell you to be more guarded to prevent yourself from feeling this pain again. Trust becomes harder and harder with each devastating blow you have to endure. People who cheat, immediately think that the damage is only short term and you will recover quickly, but the effect is felt long after the relationship is over. I'm still feeling the jealousy and insecurity effects from a relationship that ended 5-6 years ago and now only heightened since my relationship ended in 2007. I do feel bad that I say or do things to my fiancé out of this but at times I cannot control it, I do my best but I have explained to her it is a constant battle for me. Perhaps try explaining that your spouse and he will be as understanding as my fiancé is about it.

starlite1 · Mar 5, 2009, 08:32 AM

Thanks Rome. My boyfriend is very understanding, but it is waring thin. The poor man thinks I am beating him up sometimes for things that he isn't even doing wrong. I did get diagnosed with BPD (Borderline personality disorder) which is a deep insecurity and low self esteem and depressive behavior. It is horrible, but he has been so supportive. I just hope I didn't push him away for good, or have him start hiding things on me. He says I didn't and he won't start hiding things, but I am scared now that he is just saying this to make me feel better.

Romefalls19 · Mar 5, 2009, 08:38 AM

The biggest fear that an insecure person has, putting their heart and trust into someone else. My therapist told me this, true strength is giving your whole heart and trust to someone who has the power to destroy it but having faith that they won't. Sounds like you found yourself a good guy, so maybe when things bother you, write them down and wait an hour, come back and then re-read what you wrote and 85% of the time it's not an issue anymore the other 15% can now be discussed under calm pretenses.