[irishpunkinca]

OK, so I've been seeing this girl for around a year now. We broke up for a month in between but I took her back. Now lately she's been very distant and so I called her out on it. We met and started talking and she told me she doesn't know if she wants to be with me. She says she's confused because I'm 'perfect for her' but doesn't know if she can return the love I have for her. Naturally I told her if she doesn't want to continue, she should call it off. She consequently broke down in tears and said she didn't want to make a huge mistake because she doesn't think I'd take her back a second time (I probably wouldn't). We haven't broken up but I just don't know where I stand. I can't break it off myself so, please, if any of you have any idea what is going on in this woman's head then let me know?

[irishpunkinca]

Some background information:

She is a Lithuanian girl living in Ireland
She is in her final year of school before university.

[kctiger]

She doesn't want to be with you... all of the other stuff she is spewing out of her mouth is mere cosmetics to the scene. If she really thought you were perfect, she would stick with you. Either she doesn't really feel that way, or she just has no real intention of being in a relationship right now. If a girl told me that she didn't "know if she really wanted to be with me," I think that would make my options pretty clear... actually, that would make my "option" pretty clear. She is telling you the truth, while, at the same time, trying to protect your feelings.

[slapshot_oi]

If she really thought you were perfect, she would stick with you.

Actually, I disagree. I feel more pressured when I'm in a relationship with a girl I really like, I get scared because I'm afraid I'll screw it up, and because I have that mindset I usually do screw it up; I hate being powerless and weak, so I get angry and do or say something totally stupid. On the contrary, when I'm dating a girl and I know she ain't the one, I can fly easy 'cause I don't care what happens, and these are the relationships that last the longest for me. I've thought about this, and I've recently come to realize that perhaps I'm not ready for a relationship, when this whole time I thought I was.

The last thing I'd want is to destroy any kind of relationship with a girl I really dig, so I'd rather take her out of my life for a while until I can sort things out, if she isn't available or around when I feel I can take her on, well, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Anyway, back to the poster, try your best not to read between the lines and believe what she says. Give yourself space and dig life without her, trying to fix it now will probably only cause complications.

[kctiger]

Actually, I disagree. I feel more pressured when I'm in a relationship with a girl I really like, I get scared because I'm afraid I'll screw it up, and because I have that mindset I usually do screw it up; I hate being powerless and weak, so I get angry and do or say something totally stupid. On the contrary, when I'm dating a girl and I know she ain't the one, I can fly easy 'cause I don't care what happens, and these are the relationships that last the longest for me. I've thought about this, and I've recently come to realize that perhaps I'm not ready for a relationship, when this whole time I thought I was.

I have been looking forward to a day when you disagree with me for a long time...

So, here is my retort. Your response assumes that most people play a relationship like they are playing a game. I guess, when you have such a loser mentality, you would screw it up, feeling as though you would "crack" under the pressure. You hate being powerless or weak? I guess my answer to that is, don't let yourself get to that point. You have control over yourself in a relationship. If you feel the need to lower your standards to someone you "really" don't want to be with merely so you can have power and feel like you will dominate the entire outcome of the relationship, then that is your decision.

So, now, my point, after a long, drawn out response, I believe you are right, you aren't ready for a relationship, which was one of the things I said in my original reply to the OP. There is nothing wrong with that either... I, myself, find it more fun not to be in a relationship, as I HATE being tied down.

P.S. I am not trying to offend you Slapshot, I generally respect your opinion on things. I just wanted to get my two cents (worthless I might add), in as a retort. Good talk sir!

[irishpunkinca]

Thanks to both responses. I'm going to distance myself just for a little while and whatever happens, happens.

[starlite1]

Hi Irish,

I think that is the best thing you can do. Give you and her space. Let her figure out what she wants on her own. Hopefully this will give you the clarity that you deserve as well. Good luck, and please keep us posted.

[Romefalls19]

I see both sides of the spectrum here, because I've been in his shoes before as well as being in her shoes. Since I have matured, I find KC's point of view more realistic because by the time you become an adult you should realize that life is hard, it's always a battle against something. If she doesn't know if she wants to be with you, take a huge step back and experience life without her and have fun. I won't say dump her, but proceed through your life as if you live it on your own and let her figure her out issues out.

[talaniman]

I think there needs to be a balance between the time you spend with her, and the time you spend on yourself.

Personally when someone is confused about her feelings for her partner, space is needed so she can figure out what to do, without any influence from you.

What she is telling you is not very encouraging though, and personally doesn't sound like fun at all to me, but at least she was honest about how she feels. The next step is really yours. Make sure your words, match your actions.

[irishpunkinca]

Thanks for all the feedback guys... I've broken up with the girl to try and give us both time and space and I think that this'll be the end of the road. She's far too complicated for me:)

[liz28]

Good for you!

She is feeling the way she do because she wants to be free. She is her last of high and soon is going be entering college. More than likely she wants to experience college witout being tied down and most likely serve her wild oats.

You can really blame her but that is the reality of things.

Moving on is great but don't sit around waiting on her.

[N0help4u]

I basically agree with Tickle.
The 'you are too good for me' line is usually a line for breaking up when they don't want to come out and say they don't want to be with you.
You could have called her bluff and said you loved her just like she is and see if she still wanted to break up, but in your case it sounds like you did the best thing.