[jman123h]

I have written my story before and want to give an update to seek further advice. Okay, to start, I am absolutely in love with an absolutely amazing girl, anyone in the world who knows her would agree. We had been dating for close to 3 years. I am currently 17 and we started dating when I was a freshman in high school at 14. I am currently a senior.


We had small breakups in the past and one where I had hooked up with another girl a number of times and I was very honest about everything but then went right back out with her. She was hurt by that because it was a girl she had kind of had suspicions about and it seemed as though I had broken up just to hook up with that girl. I cut all ties with that other girl and we continued to date for a year and a half beyond that and were absolutely in love. She was always the one to be more in love lets say and no one ever thought I would be the one depressed in the end. She didn't feel neglected or not loved, I was a great boyfriend don't get me wrong.


We have grown up together and have really molded and shaped each other into everything we want and need. We both saw each other going to separate colleges living our own lives but staying together because that is much we care. We currently attend different high schools so we didn't see that as an obstacle. My family and even my extended family loved her, her family and extended family loved me. I am pretty successful for what I can be at 17. Im attending either Villanova University or Clemson next year, I am a 2 sport captain, all state football player, blah blah blah. Im very proud of myself but she was there to share and capture all of that with me which made it much more special. I have a small group of people who I am very close with. I don't like fakes or people who don't truly care. She is different, we are different and that's what we loved. We always told each other how great it was to be different. We LAUGHED together at friends who needed to cheat, who couldn't hold a relationship, who fought everyday with their gf's/bf's. I honestly thought I would marry my high school sweat heart whom I had met through a freshman basketball game when she was the scorekeeper for the other team and thought I was "scary and intimidating" at first glance haha. I was not worried about only having sex with one girl in my life, and not being with another person ever. She was pretty content with all of this as well I'm pretty sure. I'm sure many people feel this way with first true loves, but I thought I was different.


This all seems great and marry until I got cocky. The month of December was the demise. I played football and football season is rough. Long practices, always tired. Football is humongous in my school and we won a state championship for the first time in 10 years.I'm a nice person but I had a short fuse during these 4 months, especially being my 4th straight year of this grueling varsity football season. I had sometimes been a jerk and she is very sensitive and took it to heart, but I was ready to make it up to her during the winter. I had begun to talk to other girls via text and internet sometimes. Our relationship was going downhill, she was curious what was happening and so was I. Christmas break came and I was still celebrating with my friends at parties and such. Christmas came and we celebrated for a couple hours at my house with my family, exchanged gifts, and hoped to make everything better. I made jerk move #1 that night. The night was winding down and she had to go home kind of soon. I asked her to go home a little early and bring me to a party. She will do anything for me but was kind of hoping I would take this request back but didn't say anything. She called me 2 hours after dropping me off upset, saying it's christmas and I couldn't even spend a whole night with her and had to go party. I felt ty but I was being selfish and kind of ignored it. My parents were then not home for the night and she was over. We had sex and she planned an amazing night to lay there and play our favorite board game in my big bed and watch a movie on my TV and fall asleep in each others arms and start getting back to where we were. I threw a party with 30 of my friends and 10 minutes after sex people started coming over because they knew no one was home. She had wanted me to say no the party everyone out and be with her. She doesn't like the girls too much in my group of friends so she wanted to just go home. She was very upset with me for the second time in a short period and was very upset with me and called me when she got home and thought it was rude of me and I needed to change or else. She then went to NYC with her family for a night and called me and said hey baby! We need to go to the city soon together and go out to dinner during our break! And I told her "maybe, we'll see, idk about that." She then came to a party I was at with a few friends a couple nights later and told me that she really wasn't sure about us anymore and we might be done. I thought this was for real and I was freaking out. I wanted to feel comfort and act on this possible freedom. I called over a girl I had been texting later on in the night at this party. I was really drunk and I made out with this girl in her car. It wasn't too long maybe a minute or two. I woke up the next morning and said no, that's retarded, that is not what I want. I should have told her the next that but I pretended to act as though I knew of nothing by claiming I was too drunk and was going to pretend nothing ever happened and never talk to that girl again.

My girlfriend then called for a break about a week later because she needed the famous time and space we talk about on here a lot. She found about me hanging out with that girl through someone else and I denied anything happened but admitted to seeing her. She then contacted the girl and found out the truth. She was so hurt and kind of still felt hurt from the other girl that I hooked up with when I dumped her a year and a half ago.
It is almost 8 weeks into all the time and space. The first week was prior to her finding out, the next few were the begging stage and then the past 5 weeks have been trying to heal but hanging on time. She hangs out with a new group of friends and feels as though she is in a great place now. We don't talk too often. I went NC for a week or more but I let her call me now and I answer when I want. I never call her though. My friends will talk to her and she'll talk to them sometimes and she believes I don't know of this. She tells them of how much she loves me, misses me, but just can't do it now. There is no guy in her life and she wants to jump back in to my arms everyday but can't. She sees no point to get back with me now that I did that because she doesn't know that I would never hurt her again. Regardless of the circumstance a cheat is a cheat. She can't see past it. She is pretty close to a perfect girl, and she can't see past this imperfection. I always made everything perfect for her and she can't handle this. She has rethought everything we believed in together about us, she probably wants to go to college single now. She loves me to the moooon and back, what's the problem? She told one of my friends she could maybe slowly work back into things with me. There are no magic words to change her mind or fix what I did, and I know that. But why does this stuff happen? We were so perfect for each other, and when she hears that she says now we know we weren't. She hasn't said that to me but told it to one of my friends. Do I even bother going out with her as just "nothing" and seeing her and trying to rekindle it? Because I believe it's worth it. We've met for lunch one time early in the break up, other than that she hasn't seen me. We haven't spoken about "us" kind of stuff in over a month. She's special, is it 100% damaged because of a 1 minute kiss? How do I go about this.


I know I'm young and the probable response will be "you're 17 there are plenty of girls out there, you're going to college don't worry, if she loves you she'll come back, if it's meant to be it's meant to be.. blah blah" However I along with many others feel that there really isn't someone else. And yes I feel I am that special case that really did find that perfect girl for them and no one will be better. But sometimes that really is the case, it has to be. I'm not scared I won't find love out there again, but I would really like to love her because I'm pretty confident I might not find one better than her. I'm not ready to just say screw the relationship. Help me.

[DbranikaC]

I know how you feel, because I thought I found that "perfect someone" too. We talked on and off for a while and he is the only guy I want to be with. He told me he wants to be with me forever, but he's with someone else.

It sucks, I know where you are coming from. That "1 minute" thing may seem small to u, but to her it may seem bigger. I thought when I just stopped talking to this guy for another, it would be all good, it wasn't.

All I can tell you is if it is meant to be, it will turn out fine in the long run. She really just needs time and space to think, because she obviously loves you and wants to be with you, but she has to have her future in mind too, and she has to wonder if you are ever going to hurt her again.

I wouldn't say "go out and find someone else czuz there are other fish in the sea"
Because you know what you want, and if its what God intended, it will all fall into place.

[giggle_monster]

Wow your's made me almost cry. That is said. Is your name jeremy? I hope everything works out,but if it is meant to be then she will come around. But if it isn't then she will want you to move on.

[chuff]

The first thing you have to do is back off from her completely. When friends tell you things she said, I wouldn't believe them. She probably tells her friends things they want to hear, because the truth is she's involved in some drama and she's the focal point. When people ask her about you, it makes her feel powerful and she's happy to say whatever makes her look in a positive light. You are just getting those messages returned.

[jman123h]

I never want to see someone else, she's an absolutely amazing person. I'm going to see her soon and talk to her after we go out somewhere and pretty much summarize everything I just said on here. Then I'm going to tell her that not everything is perfect and if she loves me she'll have to accept this imperfection. If she says can't and never will I am going to cut all ties and never speak to her again and if she loves me she will come around but I am not going to dwell on it. Good idea?

[UnluckyDucky]

It seems to me that you are in no position of power here - she holds all the cards. For you to make an ultimatum like that would prove quite unproductive in my opinion and would only force her away from you further.

You are so young right now, and by the looks of it you have quite a few things going for you. You have *so* much life ahead of you right now to be hung up on one girl. You will be experiencing some huge emotional growth and changing so much in the next 8 years or so. Trust me, I know. If I compared how I was when I was 17 to when I was 25, I was a COMPLETELY different person.

I know you're feeling that she's the absolutely most perfect girl in the world. Many of us have felt that way about our ex's. Ask any one of them, they'll tell you the same thing you're telling us right now. "But my situation is different/special." "I'll never find anyone like her, ever." "Our love was the truest love." Heard them all before in various iterations. You may not believe it now, but there are bigger and better fish out there.

Chuff is absolutely right, back off completely. Although YOU may not be ready to give up this relationship - you MUST realize that it takes both people to make it happen.

[giggle_monster]

Hey that's a good idea. Is your name jeremy?

[chuff]

Jman you are young relationships are new to you. You have invested 3 years with one person and that is the only thing you have to draw from. You love her, and I don't doubt it for one second. So I mean this with the absolute best of intentions, but you have absolutely no idea what the hell you are doing.

Women want a man to be powerful, strong, and confident. What you are doing is the exact opposite.

i never want to see someone else,

You know I was once in your spot, I had been in a 3 year relationship and I didn't want anyone else either. But as time wore on, and I look back I realize even though she dropped me, when she came back I didn't want her.

Now, maybe you if and when she comes back (and I'm not saying she will) you will want her. But what you are doing will never get you there.

If you tell her those words, "I never want to see someone else, do you know what she is going to do? She's going to tell you, "that's so sweet, and I feel the same way, but right now I just want to figure out some things but when I'm ready I'll be thrilled to know you stood by me this entire time." It may not be those exact words, but it will be something similar, because the girl you love, the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with is playing you and you don't even realize it. She will tell you something to give you a false hope, but she will never follow through. Why should she? As UnluckyDucky stated, she holds the cards. It's her game now, and you are following not leading.

How, you ask can you lead? Don't play the game. Leave her, leave the situation. Begging her isn't going to help you, in fact it will only put you further back. Show her you are stronger then her by not being available. Show her through silence that you are strong.

she's an absolutely amazing person.

Perhaps. But she acts like every other woman does during a break up. So with that in mind, she's not all the amazing. In fact her game is quite elementary, but then again she's a beginner at this to.

i'm going to see her soon

Why?

and talk to her after we go out somewhere and pretty much summarize everything i just said on here.

God WHY?

Again, and I mean this kindly. You have absolutely no clue what you are doing. Trust me, I wish I had me telling this stuff after my break ups when I was younger. She already has power over you, now you are going to give her more, and beg? Not going to work. A woman has to have something to draw her into you. You have nothing at this point and the 1 card you have left is that of silence. Only when you go silient and give her time to miss you, will you learn if she is coming back. Because right now, she never is.

then im going to tell her that not everything is perfect and if she loves me she'll have to accept this imperfection.

Let me get this straight. Your ex is not really interested in you, you are interested in her, she has all the power, you have none, she is moving on, you have not, and you are going to tell her that she has to accept this imperfection?

YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE DOING!!

You see, it is this very attitude that is killing you. You want her, but instead of working on your own issues, you are going to force her to accept your love? Who the F-ing hell are you?

Dude, I'm a guy, and I see this do you know what a girl, more in touch with emotions is going to see?

if she says can't and never will i am going to cut all ties and never speak to her again and if she loves me she will come around but i am not going to dwell on it. Good idea?

I can't believe you went from the above sentence to this one. I'm going to cut all ties and never speak to her again but if she loves me she will come around. I really hope this just the confusion of the moment, but if you think you are punishing her by not talking to her, the one being punished here is you. She's already moved on.

Love doesn't "come around." Love is earned, and you are not earning it. Please understand this, because I'm not trying to attack you even though it sounds that way, but you are coming off like a bully who got his a$$ kicked and is now making excuses for the fight. Maybe that has worked for you up until now, but let me tell you, your girl is becoming a woman. Boys that bully their way into a relationship with a girl may be all the rage in high school, but in the real world, a man like me would eat you for lunch while your woman cooks me dinner. Your girl has seen enough of the high school act. She's getting older, and she is starting to realize there are real men available who don't whine and pout, then turn around and beg for scraps when they don't get there way. You are not one of those men.
That being said, you need to work on some these issues. You need to set up some guidelines for yourself. What will you put up with, what will you stand for, what will do to make yourself a more complete person. When you do those things, and when you improve on those things with in yourself, then YOU will have love come around, and it will be easier then you make it out to be.

You have been Chuffed.

[DbranikaC]

Agreed, you contradicted yourself by saying that you were going to cut all ties, but if she loves you, she'll come around. If you cut all ties with her, my bet is she won't be coming around.

[jman123h]

No, my name isn't jeremy. But.. I feel I need closure and a final decision.

If given an I don't know, I don't think so, or an I can't, I'm going to 100% cut all ties, forever. If she says we can slowly work back into things, I'm ready to do it.

Why is that so terrible of an idea?

[DbranikaC]

If u say you are going to cut all ties, then don't do anything different.

If u are going to work into things again, then do it.

[kctiger]

Closure usually isn't given, it is accepted. You need to accept that this is over, pick your pride up, and start rebuilding what little self confidence you have. Most break ups (especially long term relationships) do not come with the "closure" that you seek. You need to create your own closure, and not worry about her doing it for you. Time to be a man...

Unfortunately I fear that we all could sit here and preach until we turn blue, and you still wouldn't listen to us... which is understandable. Been there before. Sometimes, we just have to learn the hard way.

[giggle_monster]

Because if you are going to cut all ties to her then why go back into it with her and OK srry about the name OK.

[Romefalls19]

Okay, I have read the whole story, then re-read it. I agree it's very touching, but come on since when did we forgive cheaters on here! I'm not taking his side at all, he hurt his "perfect woman" and last time I checked he made the choice to hook up with this other girl, who he had been texting longer and invited her to a party and then to his car and then proceeded to make out. Then was going to use the excuse that he was too drunk and wasn't going to tell his girlfriend about it. Then when confronted, he lied about it until she found out the truth from someone else. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think I am. But he broke this girls heart, she was true to him(from what he implied) he was not, on two separate occasions and now wants her back. Damn right she should erase you from her life, she was there for you and you do this to her? You don't deserve closure, your closure was kissing another girl, lying about it and then thinking she should take you back.

[chuff]

Okay, I have read the whole story, then re-read it. I agree it's very touching, but come on since when did we forgive cheaters on here!? I'm not taking his side at all, he hurt his "perfect woman" and last time I checked he made the choice to hook up with this other girl, who he had been texting longer and invited her to a party and then to his car and then proceeded to make out. Then was going to use the excuse that he was too drunk and wasn't going to tell his girlfriend about it. Then when confronted, he lied about it until she found out the truth from someone else. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think I am. But he broke this girls heart, she was true to him(from what he implied) he was not, on two separate occasions and now wants her back. Damn right she should erase you from her life, she was there for you and you do this to her? You don't deserve closure, your closure was kissing another girl, lying about it and then thinking she should take you back.

I had to spread it before I could rep you. I agree with you, and he has this sort of attitude, that "she'd be wise to take my love or I will punish her by not talking to her." This why he doesn't get it. Being a bully in relationships in high school might work, but he's entering a whole new world and his attitude problem won't let him see it.

[Romefalls19]

Exactly Chuff, I just read it and got the impression that he is all high and mighty. The line about it being a one minute kiss, who cares how long the infidelity lasted, the problem is that it occurred in the first place.

[chuff]

He's like a kid who plays by the rule, "I can do what I want, and you better like it or I won't let you play" Then when she actually doesn't play he gets mad at her and says "okay you play but you still have to play by my rules" and she's like "No, I just won't play" and he get's upset because he realizes she can go play with other people.

[jman123h]

I completely understand what you both are saying. And if that is the case then I will be able to live with that. But I haven't those type of words come out of her mouth. I am hanging on to hope from the feelings she still has of love and desire to come right back to me. I would really like to hear that she can never forgive me for this. And following that by me not talking to her I'm not trying to punish her at all. I'm trying to better myself and get her out of my life so I can heal for real now.

[jman123h]

Reading that again, you guys were just brutally honest, and it kind of hurts. This is my first real relationship and first love. I don't really know exactly how to be the best boyfriend but I do know I love her more than anything and I hurt her badly. I am willing to do anything I can to have her again, and will be the best I can be. I'm young and inexperienced with this stuff, you think she should just 100% leave me and never talk to me again?

[kctiger]

reading that again, you guys were just brutally honest, and it kind of hurts. This is my first real relationship and first love. I don't really know exactly how to be the best boyfriend but i do know i love her more than anything and i hurt her badly. I am willing to do anything i can to have her again, and will be the best i can be. I"m young and inexperienced with this stuff, you think she should just 100% leave me and never talk to me again?

I don't really think it matters what she does, and hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20. You need to focus on fixing your issues, and NOTHING has changed with you in such a short time span. Things happen for a reason, and experience in life is everything... you have to screw up to learn how to be good at things, it just happens that way. I would think she is gone, totally out of your life, and you know what?? It isn't the end of the world, it happened, and most likely will happen again. Life sometimes sucks, nothing you can do about it but learn, pick yourself up, and quit beating a dead horse!

You don't just start being a good boyfriend. It is all relative to the people you date, to be honest. Learning how to adapt, how to make yourself better, and how to accept things for what they are... well that is just key. You now know what it is you need to work on... so get to work!!