[Fire2009]

Hi,
Surprise, another dating split up Story.
I have been with my ex girlfriend for over 3 years and last month she said she wanted time to sort things out. I found out her brother moved out of home and she was having issues at her job and her friends were causing trouble for her.
(I don't know why she couldn't of told me this had we of been together, I would have helped or even understood what was going on).
Keeping in mind, she was 23 and she was a little immiture and I'm 28, but when your in love age has no issues.
We only just got back together for two days and now she said sorry, I don't love you the way you love me and now she won't have anything to do with me again. In our relationship, we even talked about a bigger commitment like moving in together, she was all for that.
And yet, when we were together those two days she seemed happy and we even kissed again like nothing had happed. (What dose the kiss mean in this situation)?
Although we had been together for 3 years, we never had sex together once. Of course we did other things, like holding hands and doing other things together but sex was not one of them, when I mentioned this to her, she didn't really seem interested in doing it.
Im not sure weather she only thought of me as a friend or what but she did say I was her boyfriend? Do you think she ever loved me, I told here she was my world and that I would do anything for her and I did all the time. All our friends told us that we were really a good "couple", I say couple but we never had sex together.
What's your view on my situation? If she came back again, do you think I should give her another go or should I not waste my time with her again even though I did love her for who she is and I'm still really confused about everything?

[neverme]

No dude, it's over!

Time to start NC and move on. You guys tried, and it's not going to work.

Even if she does come back, you will end up resenting her as you put more into the relationship than she does.


As an aside, sex or the lack there of, does not make a relationship. You seem to be inferring this through the end of your post.

[Fire2009]

No dude, it's over!

Time to start NC and move on. You guys tried, and it's not going to work.

Even if she does come back, you will end up resenting her as you put more into the relationship than she does.


As an aside, sex or the lack there of, does not make a relationship. You seem to be inferring this through the end of your post.

Hi, I don't feel I resented her in our relationship at any time. But I feel confused why it happened after 3 years of been together. I know sex does not make up a relationship, but if you loved someone and were thinking about moving intogether, you would have thought that they may of wanted to do this?

[neverme]

No maybe you have not in the past, but dude, if you look at the situation from an objective standpoint you will see that you have obviously put more into this.

She has told you twice that she doesn't want to be with you... so No, I don't think you guys will or should get back together.

Me personally, I enjoy sex, all the more so with someone that I love. I have not made a commitment to myself/god/or anything to abstain and have never felt that was a necessary step for me.

Maybe she felt, waiting/abstaining was for her.

But really, how do you not know more about how your girlfriend feels about sex after a 3 year relationship??

[arnimal7]

First of all, there is nothing wrong with waiting to have sex/make love, what have you. Second, I do think that she did care for you and loved you at one point. She really may have had some things to sort out. She also wanted some space, why now after three years who knows. I think that if she does try to pursue you, you may want to give her another chance. If she does it again then all bets are off.

[Fire2009]

No maybe you have not in the past, but dude, if you look at the situation from an objective standpoint you will see that you have obviously put more into this.

She has told you twice that she doesn't want to be with you...so No, I don't think you guys will or should get back together.

Me personally, I enjoy sex, all the more so with someone that I love. I have not made a commitment to myself/god/or anything to abstain and have never felt that was a necessary step for me.

Maybe she felt, waiting/abstaining was for her.

But really, how do you not know more about how your girlfriend feels about sex after a 3 year relationship????

Hi
I think your right, I have put more into this relationship then what she has done. I did everything for her, I bought her things she wanted and did what she wanted to do. (I kind of think I have been used to a point).
After all, the second time she got back with me was only two days and yet she kissed me like nothing had changed between us, I knew deep down it had changed. But later on the next day she goes, sorry no, I don't feel the same way about you as you feel about me, do you think she is being honest or is she afraid of making a bigger step in the relaionship? After all, we were talking about rings and moving into gether again.
That's right, after a 3 year relationship with her, one would have thought that even in the first year of it, she would have wanted to have sex, I left that up to her when she wanted to do it. So I didn't seem to be worring about it all the time.. How can I just wipe the slate clean and try again with someone else after being with someone this long and this is the only answer she gave me?

[neverme]

Ok it doesn't matter what answer she gave you it's more than some people get... IT'S NOT ABOUT HER ANYMORE!!!!


It's about you. You have to pick yourself back up and try to rebuild yourself.

Hence the NC, if she's not there you think about her and what she may or may not be doing less.

You don't completely forget about her.

It's not easy. (god knows!)

It won't happen over night.

You most likely stumble and fall at hurdles.

You'll feel weak

But

It will happen

and

You will be a better person for it.

[confused_bp]

I'm young but the way I see it is that she got back with you to see if there was still anything there so obviously she does have feelings but maybe she wants to go to a deeper reationship with sex and foreplay.

[Fire2009]

Hi,
You are so right, I have to try and build up myself again. I know I will still think of her, but I won't be albe to see her when I'm out. Im just afraid on what she might say to me if she see's me. (It was her in the end to break us up).
I just couldn't stand to see her at the moment, it just not right on how she dumped me just like that. How could someone just lose the feeling for someone just like that? I know I'm going on about it, but I just can't stop wondering why. In your view, do you think I was taken for granted or what because now she won't even answer my sms. Like I said she had a disability she was imiture for her age (would that have anything to do with it) I thought I knew this person well, but how can someone just so quickly change from one person to another just like that within a couple of days?

[Fire2009]

im young but the way i see it is that she got back with you to see if there was still anything there so obviously she does have feelings but maybe she wants to go to a deeper reationship with sex and foreplay.

Hi, I did want to go deeper, but when I suggested this to her, she always said she wasn't ready to take that step yet. She is one of these people that changes her mind quickley. Like only two days ago she said she loved me and now she don't. Could there be more hope yet or should I just forget it and move on?

[neverme]

Hey Fire,


Let me let you in on one, it's after 4 here in Ireland and I can't sleep asking myself questions about why they did this? Or that?

Don't let yourself get into that, it doesn't stop it only gets worse. And it defiantly doesn't help.

Try to fill your life with new activities and hopefully some new people.

Whatever you do, get up every morning, take pride in yourself, inside and out and tell yourself 'You are all you need.'

After a while you'll begin to believe it.


A very good friend of mine tells me, normally after we've had a few, to tell them (in my head of course lol ) 'It's all of me and none of you'

Try to remember, this is all about you rebuilding you. None of her.

[confused_bp]

How much do u love her to keep on fighting?

[Fire2009]

how much do u love her to keep on fighting?

Hi
I really think the world of her. But there is nothing I can do to make her change her mind again I don't think, if she came back to me for two days, then yes there would be feelings still there but she says she don't love me the same way that I love her. But I wish there was something I can say to her that might help me win her heart back.
Any ideas?

[Fire2009]

Hey Fire,


Let me let you in on one, it's after 4 here in Ireland and I can't sleep asking myself questions about why they did this? or that?

Don't let yourself get into that, it doesn't stop it only gets worse. And it defiantly doesn't help.

Try to fill your life with new activities and hopefully some new people.

Whatever you do, get up every morning, take pride in yourself, inside and out and tell yourself 'You are all you need.'

After a while you'll begin to believe it.


A very good friend of mine tells me, normally after we've had a few, to tell them (in my head of course lol ) 'It's all of me and none of you'

Try to remember, this is all about you rebuilding you. None of her.

Hi.
Good Advice. But if someone is worth fighting for, would you fight for them or not? After they broke your heart again only staying two days this time?

[neverme]

Look I've given you my advice, look back over my posts and take it or leave it.

No offense, but I don't think this is going to work out well for you, but most of us fall off the wagon at some point or another.

Try to remember this is sound advice from someone who has done this whole process before and is currently in the process of healing again.

But as I said, take it or leave it.

[Fire2009]

Look I've given you my advice, look back over my posts and take it or leave it.

No offense, but I don't think this is going to work out well for you, but most of us fall off the wagon at some point or another.

Try to remember this is sound advice from someone who has done this whole process before and is currently in the process of healing again.

But as I said, take it or leave it.

Cheers for your advice, I have an update on events which I found out..
Got this message from her last night saying that she thought our age gap was the issue as well, but when your in love, the age gap shouldn't make a differece right? She was 23 and I am 28 not a big gap as far as I'm concerned.
I also found out which was also a kick in the guts was that she said that she doesn't love me, she said she is following her heart and that is what it told her, and she said she likes someone else as well. (But if she said she loved me a day earlier, how come it took a day to make her relize that she doesn't love me then)? She also kissed me a day before to, she should have said something to me then one would have thought.
Another question for you to ponder, should I keep the things she gave me or should I mail them back to her now I know what happened, (which is she didn't care that much about me in the first place, like you said, I put more into the relationship than she did).

[darkvision]

If she gave objects to you I see nothing wrong in keeping them, if they are her personal effects I would tell her to come pick them up or they are in the trash.

Also and I don't mean this in any sort of a harsh way, but you're a very "feminine" man, in other words you are into your feelings in a way even some women are not(and she sounds like she falls into that later category). I know women say all the time they want a man in touch with their feelings yada yada but at the same time they don't want well weakling. The man is supposed to be their for them not the other way around(to most way of thinking). This isn't to say that YOU need to change, or that you are over emotional or whatever, just that some women are not going to like that about you, but their will be ones that love it. So just look for the next fish in the sea man.

And to better explain what I mean by this before I get flamed... I had a female friend in high school and her dad was very artsy and carried his heart on his sleeve. He had a girlfriend of about 3 years(I knew them both well). I talked with her after they broke up I asked why, the answer was just that that he wore his heart on his sleeve and she wanted a man to cuddle her not the other way around. It just means they wernt right for each other, not that either one of them was bad or needed to change.

Hope it helps mate.

[Fire2009]

If she gave objects to you i see nothing wrong in keeping them, if they are her personal effects i would tell her to come pick them up or they are in the trash.

Also and i dont mean this in any sort of a harsh way, but your a very "feminine" man, in other words you are into your feelings in a way even some women are not(and she sounds like she falls into that later category). i know women say all the time they want a man in touch with their feelings yada yada but at the same time they dont want well weakling. the man is supposed to be their for them not the other way around(to most way of thinking). This isnt to say that YOU need to change, or that you are over emotional or whatever, just that some women are not going to like that about you, but their will be ones that love it. so just look for the next fish in the sea man.

and to better explain what i mean by this before i get flamed...I had a female friend in high school and her dad was very artsy and carried his heart on his sleeve. he had a girlfriend of about 3 years(i knew them both well). i talked with her after they broke up i asked why, the answer was just that that he wore his heart on his sleeve and she wanted a man to cuddle her not the other way around. It just means they wernt right for each other, not that either one of them was bad or needed to change.

hope it helps m8.

Ya it dose help, but I was with her for 3 years and I built up a lot of feelings for this person. What's wrong with telling her how I felt for her? I was their for her, I was in the hospital for her when she went their and everything else I did for her. What's wrong with telling her how I felt about her? At times she told me how she felt to, she said "I love u" a fair bit to me.
She did think the world of me at one stage. Do you think its worth fighting for again or would you honostley just give up? Because she came back to me for two days and druning that we kissed a lot and said I love you but then all of a sudden its all over again just like before. (She said she doesn't love me the same way I loved her and she recons it also was a age gap issue, age has nothing to do with it in my oppion)

[darkvision]

Ya it dose help, but i was with her for 3 years and i built up alot of feelings for this person. Whats wrong with telling her how i felt for her? I was their for her, i was in the hospital for her when she went their and everything else i did for her. Whats wrong with telling her how i felt about her? At times she told me how she felt to, she said "I love u" a fair bit to me.
She did think the world of me at one stage. Do you think its worth fighting for agian or would you honestly just give up? Because she came back to me for two days and durning that we kissed alot and said i love u but then all of a sudden its all over again just like before. (She said she dosent love me the same way i loved her and she recons it also was a age gap issue, age has nothing to do with it in my opinion)

Like I said I'm not saying there is something wrong with expressing feelings, just that it might have come off over baring for her. Personally from your story I think there is something else going on with her that she is NOT telling you. That may mean she is being unfaithful, a lesbian(one reason for 3 years of no sex), or possibly that she just feels guilty for not actually feeling the same way about you after all you have done for her. In essence I'm guessing there is some guilt in her heart or head that is throwing her out of whack. No matter what I would say unless she opens up to you about what is really bothering her the relationship should be over. If she does open up and depending on what its about or what is really bothering her(the age thing is an excuse, especially after 3 years) then you should make a further decision about trying it again. But she HAS to come clean first. Before you make a further commitment.

[Fire2009]

like i said im not saying their is something wrong with expressing feelings, just that it might have come off over baring for her. Personally from your story i think their is something else going on with her that she is NOT telling you. that may mean she is being unfaithful, a lesbian(one reason for 3 years of no sex), or possibly that she just feels guilty for not actually feeling the same way about you after all you have done for her. In essence im guessing their is some guilt in her heart or head that is throwing her out of whack. No matter what i would say unless she opens up to you about what is really bothering her the relationship should be over. if she does open up and depending on what its about or what is really bothering her(the age thing is an excuse, especially after 3 years) then you should make a further decision about trying it again. but she HAS to come clean first. before you make a further commitment.

You are right, I think she will have to open herself up to me before I decide to EVEN think about giving her a third chance. this is twice she has come back to me and twice she has gone off again.(by doing the same thing, (she says she likes someone else, but I can't be certain of that, her mother said while we were apart, she hadn't been seeing anyone, cause her the mum told me that.)
You are right about the age thing especially she has been with me for three years... She would have told me right at the start if that was an issue.
But all I can do now is give her some time alone with or without someone else to see what she really thinks about me, (That s what got us back together the second time that lasted two days, she thought about me and that's when she decided to take another chance).
Even if she is in another relationship now, that probably won't last because rebound relationships quite often don't work out.