[talaniman]

Your ex is a distraction, and I am willing to bet you're a stay at home mom who has nothing else but her family.

You need friends, and outside, healthy activities that make you happy, and have something to share with your family. Right now your ex does that, but there are better ways to feel good about yourself, that's what hobbies are about. You won't feel guilty about it either.

[maybll]

Don't bet too much though, I'm actually a professional in my chosen field & also presently working on another postgraduate degree in addition to taking care of my kids,

Tired most times, but that doesn't stop the flow of my thoughts, maybe I'm bored but it's not for lack of better things to do, that's just the way things are,

Romantically, there is nothing there for me & I've always used work & busy schedules to fill that gap, but I'm almost bursting now & @ crossroads, & definitely need someone to discuss these with aside from close friends & family.

Hobbies? I do go to the gym & read.

[talaniman]

What do you think your husband would say if he were to find out?

Personally I think its healthy to have a wide range of emotional, and intellectual stimulation, as long as the boundaries of good behavior are not crossed, and you have no reason to hide your actions, or be dishonest about them.

[blondiechick916]

We can't help who we fall in love with. But if you aren't in love with your husband then yd you marry him? But don't have an affair that would devastate your kids and when they get older imagine what they will think of you but again its not your fault your still in love with your ex its human nature... we don't pick who we fall for.

[Aliena]

You said that you had no sex but would you have accepted if your husband was with his ex but without sex like you do?its not a matter of sex because you have done it or not,you are still with him.it's true,until you don't stop communicating with each other,every move that you try will fail.you can do it,but now it depends on what you want to do,I mean your intention.

Bye

[Messed_UP]

Dear Maybll,

You are really in a quandary. I empathize with you. You have received several helpful replies, I’m sure but understand like this happens to good people too. You call yourself selfish and other such negative comments. You have come here for help and that in itself is a positive step forwards. You need to stop thinking you are selfish and even worry about what everyone thinks first.

It is easy to give advice; there is always a logical solution to this, but this is a matter of the heart and sometimes logical solutions don’t work as well…you need a combination of both..

There are some confusing things about your situation from how I read it.

What does your ex want?

If you have not had sex with him, then whom is he satisfying his physical desires with? Are you capable of dealing with that part, knowing there is some one else he is possibly with?

You have said you want to be with your husband and children and don’t want to hurt them? Are you sure about that? What about yourself? Will you be happy living the rest of your life this way getting what you can from one relationship from two people? I think it will torment you and in time you will feel depressed with the turmoil. That will affect your health and in turn will affect the effort you can put into your children etc.

If you don’t want to feel resentful about anything including potentially feeling you gave up your own happiness for your family and children, you need to start feeling complete with your husband, well in the way you can both relate. And that will take a very long time, not 5-10 times. And I agree it is nice to have your husband initiate some of the romantic sessions too, after all it is his marriage too. So my advice (you can choose to ignore it) is:

Tell him clearly (but in a calm way and perhaps over wine!) that you both need to talk about something serious. Tell him you need to feel wanted, tell him you need that to make your marriage affair proof, and finally tell him you need him to teach you how to love him like a husband more. If he does not want anything to threaten his marriage he will listen to you, he will get his wake up call and I believe he will try. Once you see him trying then note the positive things and tell him.

Just being there in body is not good enough to keep your children and husband happy. Go on a vacation together and while you are doing this stay away from your ex, so you can clear all doubt and stop comparing the two men in your life. There are different ways men show their love and romantic side. Protect yourself from potentially getting depressed in the future.

All the best…it is tough but you can make it if you put your heart in the right place.

And yes this is adultery... emotional affairs are more devastating than physical affairs. But what does it matter if it is or not, you need to be more concerned about feeling better and fixing something's for yourself, and the rest should fall in place... in time.

[Knightrider1965]

I to have been married to my wife for 10 years now! I am a Baptist minister and I don't know if you believe in the bible, but you can find a lot of the answers you seek there. My wife and I are going through a nasty divorce because of her infidelity. I have caught her in a sexual relationship with a guy who has been like a brother to me for 25 years. Adultery is the only forgivable divorce in the bible. By you saying that you are still in love with your ex, you are not being fair to your husband. I guess the main question for you would be why did you marry him? Marriage is a very sacred institution and when you say I do, you are supposed to put your husband or your wife first. My wife's affair started with simple texting, and then went to sexting. From there they went to meeting to have sex on several occasions. I was devastated by all of this. You need to think about what you are going to do if you act on this, not only to your husband, but the effect it will have on your children as well. Everybody has to deal with temptation in their lives, but it's up to you on how you handle it.

[maybll]

Thanks everyone, messed up, I appreciate your taking time to address everything & knightrider, I sympatize with u, heartbreak can be devastating.
I've stoppped calling and refuse to take his call for about 2wks now, I know it's nothing but I'm trying and I try to stop my mind from drifting to him by calling my husband(he travelled) each time thoughts of him come to mind and I try to compliment my husband & tell him how much I miss him & stay positive with him.
To answer some questions, I like my husband a great deal and I made d mistake of thinking it would develop into love when we got married, I also got that advice from some close family & friends some were married at the time, they all insisted the most important thing was that he is a good person who loves me.
My relationship of 10yrs with my ex was truncated when he travelled so far away & I thougt there was no way we could ever be tog. Again(there was no internet to make it easier or the world smaller @ the time) & I was advised that waiting for him would have been fruitless, he promised we would be tog. & that he was coming back & he did come back, only a little too late & he was heart broken, but all that is water under the bridge, I'm trying to move on.
He was single for a long time & insisted he couldn't be with anyone else when his heart is with someone else, I told him then that nothing could happen with us & we cannot take up where we left off, and I cut off all contact with him, he got married about 4yrs ago but divorced 6months after & he sought me out and said he at least wanted to be friends with me, he said he couldn't accept that I'll be out of his life for ever, I told him he had to at least be in a serious relationship or settle down so at least we both know we are committed to other people and won't be tempted to stray. He got married about a yr ago and here we are...

[Knightrider1965]

I think you have made the right decision in your case. I wish you the very best in life, and may God bless you.