[talaniman]

Gray, I hate to say it but you are as normal as they come. Maybe a little more mature but a typical young human going through the transition we all go through. NORMAL. Be patient as things take their own time in developing. Just as you enjoy your games then try to include more people in your life as now is the perfect time to use your emerging independence and hidden skills to hone your personality. Back in the day (way back) I was into trying everything as far as activities at school went. And I loved getting attention from the ladies, but I wasn't a player just had a lot of phone numbers and female friends. You learn a lot that way and meet some interesting females. So don't hide your light under a bushel, get out in the world and explore learn and enjoy. So what if you fall flat on your face a few times (done that too) GET up dust yourself off and get back in to it. There is no shame in failure, the shame is not trying. GO FOR IT!

[Wildcat21]

GREAT STUFF Tal!

I think a lot of what we've learned here is...

It's good to go Friend First... I've tried to rush into relationships and they crash and burn everythime.

Go slow... or again, you will crash and burn.

[momincali]

This is not a question of your personal preferance, I promise, but are you sure you like women?? It seems to me like you put her through the wringer just to see what kind of reaction you would get, like she was some sort lab experiment.

I agree with K3 that you handled this one a little too immaturely, you both did. You guys went way too fast and it's hard to see when you're having a good time. I also agree with Wildcat that you need to keep your distance right now. No contact. It doesn't matter if you guys enjoy it, just don't do it. Give yourself and her time to think and grow. Contact interferes with that.

I don't know if an attempt to save this relationship with her will work, it doesn't sound like it to me. Too many negative memories and actions went into this one, but every failed relationship is a learning experience that will only help you on the next one.

You sound like a good guy who just had some growing up to do, so do it.

[Grayfox]

I have cut communication as best I can, but I can't be sure that it will last. I have a bit of a problem with mood swings, earlier today I was completely happy and couldn't be more over this situation, I knew exactly what kind of girls I wanted to meet and how I wanted to meet them. Now I can't stop wondering how I could've let this happen, why I did what I did, and what I should've done instead. I am so utterly responsible for everything that I'm feeling that its practically ironic. I wrote her a very long letter explaining how I felt, and that I'm sorry for exposing her to what I did. I said I couldn't keep her from making mistakes if she was going to choose to make them. I told her I'd miss her, but I'd get over her. I am not sure how long I'll be able to stand it. I just don't want to care.

[talaniman]

As we mature in life and grow from boy- to man there will be a lot of things we must do or go through that we might not like. You may not want to face the pain of this break-up but you really don't have a choice. That just how life is. Instead of hiding take this opportunity to grow up and re-think your actions and try to find a better way of doing things for yourself. Instead of not caring ,you should care enough about yourself and any future relationship to improve and get better as a mature male human being and see the games you plated yesterday as a bygone mistake that will not be repeated. We all have those times in our life when we must decide who we are and how we want to face the unknown of life. Now is your time to decide about you. Leave the girls alone and make yourself better by focusing on what your doing in your life, and believe me, if you look around there are a lot of things to do that will benefit your life now and your future later. Girls/relationships are great but they aren't everything. Balance your life a bit and make sure you find out who you are so you know how to be true to yourself.

[momincali]

It seems as though your mood swings may be an obstacle for you. When you wrote "i knew exactly what kind of girls i wanted to meet and how i wanted to meet them.", you were on the right track, because it wasn't about how you felt, but rather what you thought. We tend to go with our feelings because they are usually the easiest. We do this or that because it makes us feel good, versus asking ourselves the question, is it the right thing to do? Feelings are great, but they can get us into troubling, confusing situations.

You're right, you can't keep her from making mistakes, but you can keep yourself from making them. It's a matter of choice. If you decide to, you'd be amazed at what you can do by simply making the right choices and giving actions some well deserved thought before doing or saying anything.

[YeloDasy]

Ok, I am going to add my 2 cents here after reading all the posts!

1. I don't think you were a jerk, but I do think that you were somewhat controlling after you felt really comfortable in the relationship.

2. Her trying to gain equal control, or changing (which is normal at your age) made you want to break up with her... think about that... that is not a good relationship...

3. You see your weaknesses, and I agree with those on here who have pointed them out to you! You have been a yo yo, not sure of what you want, but blaming the other person.

4. I think you both are equal here in this relationship AND breakup. I think you are young and you tend to want to remain friends cuase you don't know any different... BUT...

5. You want remain friends out of comfort, which, in my opinion, got you in this conflict (inner and relationship) in the first place...

6. I would suggest stop talking to her on a regular basis, stop looking at her myspace, and attempt to move on. She is still in your life, daily, and in your thoughts, and your heart, and you will NEVER move on like that, and end up right back in a relationship that you didn't even trust in the first place... does that make sense??

7. Work on yourself, your weaknesses, and find out why you do those things...

8. I do not agree with being friends right off the bat! You still have feeling for each other. I have remained friends with a few of my long term boyfriend, but we parted for awhile and then gained friendship after we were on a different level of emotion and in our lives... it will get complicated if you stay friends right now... trust me! But because it is like you are still together, you can't see that yet!

I do think that this is normal, but I am trying to help you see things you can't right now! But you can't work on yourself when you are in the middle of chaos! You need to step aside a little more! OUt of your comfort zone! :P Hope I am being helpful!

[YeloDasy]

And I do think you are mature for your age... in some ways... but learn from this... please really learn about yourself and make changes... otherwise you will have the same problems in your next relationship, no matter who it is... I have to keep remembering how old you are! Haha

[Grayfox]

Thanks again, and yelo, that was very good advice, I feel out of my comfort zone and I can feel myself forcing to cope with things I normally would take control of or attempt to end. I really hope this helps, it is very difficult to keep myself from acting the way I did, but I'm starting to get used to it. I've imagined the worse possible scenarios that she could be in and made myself believe they were happening in some attempt to get an early start on coping with them should they ever occur. I believe I have changed in some ways, but I know I'm not finished. I think part of what's holding me back is the idea that perhaps the prospect of the break-up along with potential choices shed make would cause changes in me and allow a relationship in the near future after I have loosened up. I am not sure if that is an accurate idea, or even a good one. I hope the fact that I have this idea doesn't effect the changing process in any way, it doesn't really make me feel comfortable after I think about it, so I hope it won't. Thanks again for your help, and why did you say you have to keep reminding yourself how old I am? Is my situation not typical for my age?

[YeloDasy]

Well, sometimes our actions are a result of our feelings, either we are acting them out or avoiding them. So I would suggest looking at the toxic actions and WHY you are doing them... what feeling... and if you are having a hard time, I would suggest counseling... to help you figure it out...
Keep the wprk going on looking at yourself... and ONLY YOU!! No, "what ifs" or "shoulds"... just look at now, and today, and grow from this... you can control you, and NEVER anyone else... hope you can understand yourself really well for your next relationship.

We are never perfect, but knowing ourselves is half the battle. As Dr. Phil always says... (I know I know... I am going to hear it... ) You can't change what you don't acknowledge... so keep learning and being honest, I like that...

[Wildcat21]

No - I LOVE Dr. Phil - I used to0 hate him... but he is so right al the time. Some times he says things we don't want to here - but he deals IN REALITY!!
Dr. Phil is Awesome - believe me. Heis always right.

[chuff]

I have cut communication as best i can, but i can't be sure that it will last. I have a bit of a problem with mood swings, earlier today i was completely happy and couldnt be more over this situation, i knew exactly what kind of girls i wanted to meet and how i wanted to meet them. Now i can't stop wondering how i could've let this happen, why i did what i did, and what i should've done instead. I am so utterly responsible for everything that im feeling that its practically ironic. I wrote her a very long letter explaining how i felt, and that im sorry for exposing her to what i did. I said i couldnt keep her from making mistakes if she was going to choose to make them. I told her i'd miss her, but i'd get over her. I am not sure how long i'll be able to stand it. I just dont want to care.

Grayfox,

When I was a teenager, I used to have mood swings and suffer from depression and I blamed it on being Irish. In reality that was a cop out for a horrible family life and immaturity. Both of which you can overcome. This is going to sound totally strange to you given the lifestyle and quick fixes we have in our society but I cured my own depression and mood swings purely by accident when I started working out and as a result I changed my diet. Changing my diet to more natural foods and water as opposed to processed foods and pop (or soda as we say down south, I'm learning). Just changing my diet cured my depression and mood swings. I felt better and more awake than I ever did as a teenager and I never even realized why. You may need medication, but just try changing your diet and see what happens to your mood swings.

Secondly, take it from me, if you haven't given her that letter don't. It's just going to driver her further away and make her put you in the "stalker" category. I'm not saying that you are, or those are your intentions but it's only going to scare her away.

[K_3]

I know young teens have a lot of mood swings, but I cannot agree yours are all normal. Not wanting to go to be at night. Needing to feel secure, warm and happy. You mentioned waiting for your girlfriend to turn into something worse or find out she was hiding something. I cannot help but think there is diffinately something in your childhood that makes you feel insecure. Something that makes you not trust. When my daughter and husband were divorced, my grandson would sleep in a bed at my house, but insisted on sleeping on the couch at his mom or dad's house. Some counseling got him through that. My step-son has a really hard time with girls. His mother stepped out on his father a lot and the boys knew. He is always sure his girlfriends are going to do something like that. He told me he breaks up with them just to see them cry and he knows they really care. I was a teen, had teen children, some children that stayed with me as they had bad homes. They talked to me about many issues. I just feel you need to find why you feel so insecure. Examine your relationship with your parents, siblings, piers. If you have a secure loving feeling with your parents, that is where you should feel good and safe. I am sure some of the mood swings are normal, but there just seems to be something there that cries out to me as you need to feel some security within yourself, I am not sure maturity is going to fix it unless you understand what it is.
This is just a thought, I am reading a bit between the lines here. I just care about you and you sound as though you are getting no peace thinking about all of this.

[Grayfox]

Wow I really appreciate all the though and help. Thank you. Well I've been forced to cope with a few more things that have made this process a little easier. She doesn't want to go out again until at least after christmas, she feels she needs to fix her life and she doesn't want anything serious. Although she does seem to want to date other people (both of us). Its kind of hard because she pretty much never talks to me at work anymore, only this other guy, and they laugh and chat and goof off all the time. Earlier today after he found out yesterday that we broke up, he asked her to come to cici's pizza with him. She went and then he took her home and got her phone number, telling her hed call her sometime. Initially I thought I never wanted to talk to her again, and although I attempted to put the final preparations on our relationship that included both of us very upset and her crying, I was unable to commit after about 10 minutes and pretty much told her I still wanted to be with her. She stayed consistent with her answer about December and dating other people, claiming I could never understand that her intentions with the guy that invited her to cicis could never be serious or come close to what we had. She also said she didn't want to be with someone she cared about right now. As for me, this is a very big difference from the past, so I had trouble coping with that, and now I appear to be inconsistent and unable to mean what I say. However, I now believe I have become desensitized to the idea of her dating someone else, even kissing. To be honest, had she not consistently said one thing about how she felt, I don't think I would've changed too much yet. I am beginning to wonder if perhaps its best for me to date someone else, just to make sure her and I are on the same page, and to potentially speed up the healing process and give me a little more confidence. Although, I am unsure. I had some crazy idea that I owed her the same amount of fight that she gave me when I attempted to end the relationship. I am starting to wonder if she's losing respect for me because of that. So I have decided I will not care about where her and this guy go. Her decision is hers, and I can't make it for her although id like to. I am leaving work for school after I finish the week, so that will no longer be a problem. I will see her in school most likely every day, but the other guy goes to a different school so it won't be too hard. She cried a lot today when faced with no longer being able to talk to me. For some reason that makes me feel a little better, it would be a lie for me to say I don't like it when she cries over us. For some reason it gives me some little ounce of reassurance that our relationship wasn't in vain. I still hope for the best outcome between us, I hope I can date someone else for a while, but I hope her relationship with him blows over very soon and she concentrates on school. I also won't lie that I hope we can get back together, but I don't want someone who doesn't want me. We might go on a picnic tomorrow, I just needed to relax with her and create at least one good recent memory for her to hold on to. I'd like to add that she is not stringing me along, she was very prepared to do what I thought was best tonight, despite her crying... at least until I collapsed, and if you're wondering, no I don't believe she expected me to collapse, I am a fairly convincing person when I mean something and its rarely temporary. I don't believe I've taken all the right steps or hardly any for that matter, but I'd like to start, its going to be much easier when school starts on the 5th of sept. Any honest recommendations would help a lot... my feelings fluctuate... but I believe I am able to see things a little clearer than before.

[talaniman]

Do you think it a little dishonest dating someone when your still pining over your ex? Can you justify leading someone down a dead end? Could you be over thinking this whole thing as a way to hold on to something that is OVER? Seeing her cry makes you happy? You have made yourself sound so very noble, that I don't believe you.

[K_3]

You say you are very convincing when you mean something, and it is rarely temporary. I am here to tell you Grayfox read your posts. Your thoughts and feelings are about as temporary as they get. I think you want what you can not have. If it is there, you do no want it, when you think it is going to go away you, want it. You tell her you want to not see each other, she cries, you like that so you give in, but you may change your mind in a minute so stay tuned. You are looking for someone else to make you happy. This is your major 1st and only problem. No one is going to make you happy. You have to learn to make yourself happy. You have to learn to like being with yourself. You have to love yourself in order to like being with yourself. I don't mean in a self centered way. You are using girls to satisfy your insecurities. You want to date another girl until this one makes up her mind. You need to keep your relationships casual until you can get your mind clear. Your mind is running all over the place. I really do not find this normal. Everyone else may say it is. It is not. Granted, when you are young you are not ready for commitment, you change a lot as you grow. But you are over the edge on that. You do not change pages. You change in midsentences. I do not want you to think I am frustrated with you, but you do not seen to be gettting what I am saying, so I am saying it as bluntly as I can. You Need to quit working on a girl and start working on you if you honestly honestly honestly want to have some sort of peace of mind and a decent relationship. Whew!!

Do you think it a little dishonest dating someone when your still pining over your ex? Can you justify leading someone down a dead end? Could you be over thinking this whole thing as a way to hold on to something that is OVER? Seeing her cry makes you happy? You have made yourself sound so very noble, that I don't believe you.

I tend to believe he does not overthink things, I think he does not hold a thought long enough to think it through. He makes a decision midsentence.

[Grayfox]

Perhaps its both, I seem to make more quick decisions when I'm around her or in contact with her, but I think more when I'm not. I have witnessed myself become happy simply because of the way I handled a situation, so I know it is possible for me to be happy with myself. When I get started into something I find it difficult to keep my composure and think things through. However, I can easily sit down and tell myself the way I need to act beforehand. It is a problem, but I am getting better at times, things I should never have done in the first place are becoming easier to not do. That's not really a good thing, but it's a step in the right direction I feel. I do not claim to be noble at all, I claim to be utterly confused and moody. I have made a lot of bad choices so far, however, although I can assume their ramifications I cannot seem to understand them until I have experienced them. Some people choose to learn the hard way, I don't want to be one of those people... thats why I'm here. If anything I would only want criticism, the more negativity the better, I'm not one to refuse any consideration. I suppose I'm just trying to connect a lot of loose ends and make sense of it all. What all of your posts have had in common. As far as the happiness with another person goes, I suppose I said it the wrong way. I guess I meant that it would be easier to let this situation go if I dated someone else that brought a smile to my face. That way I guess id know they existed (even though I do) and be a little more secure in letting go. Although I do realize that I shouldn't need that... and I don't believe I do... I just want it, and maybe I shiouldnt, I don't know. I cannot help but wonder that if someone searches for problems within themselves hard enough, will they not find them?. regardless of whether they are legitimate or simply the result of some immature paranoia. I am considering counseling, I need to get all of my thoughts organized and in the right perspectives before I drive myself insane with possibilities, perhaps I like to overcomplicate things... maybe I'm obsessed with the grey area and what it holds... when it may not even exist. Thanks for your patient, honest, and caring attitudes. I know it hasn't been easy, but your words were not discarded or overlooked, every one of them was considered and taken to heart.

[Skell]

Grayfox,
Your so young man and you seem to be stressing yourself out too much and over analysinf everything.
How about just being young and enjoying yourself.

This will be your best chance of finding someone your happy with.

It is good for someone your age to ave your intelligence and insight but this can also be your downfall. I was similar but you need to learn to relax a little and act your age.

Your only 18 aren't you?? Man, just be an 18 year old for a while.

Leave the chicks, hang with your mates and enjoy what is possible one of the best ages you'll ever be.

I loved being 18. Here in oz that is when we can start going out to clubs etc. it was great fun...

So go and enjoy your youth before you get out in the real big mans world and really have lots to worry about.

Stress less buddy! Be fun and the chicks will follow!

[K_3]

Sometimes in life you just have to let go. There are not always reasons and answers for everything. Enjoy life and quit analalizing everything. I do think a counselor would help. You will be fine, but one can overthink.

[valinors_sorrow]

Thinking needs to be balanced with doing. Any doing. Resolve to remain honest in a dishonest culture; people your age aren't the only ones being dishonest these days. Embrace who you are and be you and if on any day you lose track of who that is, find a good (honest) friend and ask them to remind you again-- that's what good friends are for among other things.