[mrpigz]

Hi all, This is the first time I had ever, put down my thoughts on the internet , in hope of really seeking opinions from people around the world.

I want to thank all of you in advance, if you had spend time to read what I had written here. Thank You. :)

This is going to be a long story, so I would tried my best to keep the story short.

My Ex-girlfriend and I had been together for more than one and half years. Throughout the relationship, we were very happy. We would spend times together, with my family and with her family as well. I tried to do things with her family and really hope I can be in good terms with them.

For Me, I had always being single in my life till I met her. The reason being is I want to have a committed and long term relationship. That is why I don't get into a relationship so easily because I fear the breakup process. She is the first women I had put my whole heart to, and always without fail, make her the first priority in life. ( for whatever the reason if she needs me, I will definitely be there to meet her even if I had to thrown my studies or on hand task aside.

The relationship initially was very great. I can sense she loved me a lot, try to do things for me and even sometime when we had small or big arguments, she would spend the time and effort with me, sit down and compromise and change for each other. Suddenly it all changed, she is not putting me in her first priority anymore or should I say I am not that important to her anymore. She would rather spend time with others and her family but not me. And when she spend too much time on her studies and I felt neglected, if I would comment... or feedback to her even in a nice way, she would end up getting frustrated, and both of us will become depress and we cannot communicate anymore. And then after that she would need time to be alone to recover, which really kills me.

To keep things short, late last year after a big argument, she broke off with me, although she never directly told me about the breakoff but she avoided me for a very long time. So end up I called her, and ask about it , she say maybe is over. So I assume is over.

But after the breakoff, she contacted me like good friends and we started chatting. And we happen to talk about the relationship again and she say she actually had enough of me, she think I am not a person that can support her. And in one of the statement she say : "what if one day i end up supporting you?" etc. and she treats the break up as a break... and told me stuff like, maybe one day we can patch back. Which confuses me.

But still deep inside me, I cannot believe she can leave me just like that , because of a big agrument. I had never had any intention to leave her before, even when I am so tired about the argument, so tired about her being not always there for me when I needed her, even during big arguments, during time when she is seriously depress even when she had problems. I never in fact have a slightest mindset of leaving her for the better.

But, deep in my heart I still love her, so I tried to change myself, I don't demand anything from her, even she is to do her work or studies till having no time for me, I also won't complain. So somehow, I changed and we manage to patch back again.

After we had patched back, things changed, I didn't demand much, but one day we went into a small agrument again. I though is something small, but to her she needs some recovery time before she can be back to normal with me. I felt so tired of this recovery time.

Somehow, after the recovery time, one day she called me and both of us met-up. I though everything is going to be okay, but when she saw me, she gave me a very irritated look and told me she is very frustrated. She is so frustrated about friends whom ask her about me, very frustrated about everything. I try to pamper her with words and try to change to a lighter topic, but she just keep saying she is very frustrated and wouldn't want to get near to me. I cannot hold her hands etc. I feel damm lousy and damm sad that, the love you love find you frustrating and is like so fearful of you.

So I though of it and eventually, told her that I know what she meant, I say to her that.. I really love her but I cannot bear to see her feeling so sad and frustrated with me. I love her, I really want her to be happy, but I cannt make her happy anymore , I really did all my best to salvage the relationship with her. I change , I really never demand much from her already, but to her, her tolerance level of me is no longer there anymore. No matter what I say to her or say if I want a dinnner with her, if she cannot, and I feel upset, she will become very frustrated with me. Everything I say is like a thorn to her.

I feel so sad, but I had no choice but to let her go. I really cannot bear it. But what's the point if she is not happy.

So end up, I told her what she wanted to hear, the break off. And I apologise to her for wanting to try the relationship again with me for the 2nd time. And in order for her to have someone to talk to, which she told me she need it, I called one of her family member over to our conversation, to tell her what had happen. So that her family member can comfort her at least when I am away.

I feel very embarrassed, during the conversation because I cried in the process, but at least I know this is the last thing I can do for her as she told me she need my help to convey this issue to someone in her family.

Is being almost around 1 month + since the 2nd break off. I admit that I still had feelings for her, But I know she don't anymore. She seems to move on very well. Meeting with friends, new people. Being more independent now.

Recently I met her again, she invited me to a meal, as a form of treat to my birthday. After I had met her, I had mixed feelings again.

Maybe I am just very immature, I am always thinking about what is wrong, what did I do wrong, why, why is it wrong to put her as the first priority, why she suddenly change so much. Why or how could she suddenly lose her feeling for me so fast.

~sigh... is there really such a thing of loving a person too much till you force her away? Is it really wrong? Is there really a committed relationship in this world? Or people will just tend to leave for better people.

Anyway so sorry guys for such a long whinny message. So boring right? Haha.sorry

Thanks to anyone that spend time to read my boring story... hope you guys have a nice day.

[artlady]

You sound as if you were a very good boyfriend.Your post is not whiny or boring :)

There is a saying *nice guys finish last*.

What that means to me is that the nice guy gets taken advantage of and a man that is always subservient to a woman is often not respected as a *man* by the woman.

Many women sees this as a weakness.

Many young woman want the bad boy type.Whether it is because of the challenge or because they think they can change them,I don't know.

As women get older and mature I think this type of behavior lessens. It is then when they can get nothing but the bad boys they regret the nice one that they rejected.

Maybe you were too giving and she she saw this as a weakness.

I would not change who you are.There is someone out there who would truly love to have a man who is kind and understanding.

Not everyone is out to find *someone better*. Just selfish people who have over inflated egos and think the world revolves around them.

Take this painful experience and learn from it and I suspect in the future you will make someone very happy.

Good luck!

[kp2171]

So the best I can say is you weren't that great of a match.

You were threatened when she spent time on her studies or with others. Sorry. A person with many friends and interests is a grounded person. You sound insecure in this section of your post.

She doesn't think you can support her... which might mean she thinks you are too much work for her. It happens.

I don't think you loved her so much you forced her away... I think you loved her, but not as she needed, and that's what forced her away.

Sometimes you love a person you can't be with, or who can't be with you.

None of this means you are a bad boyfriend... but it might mean you weren't a good fit for her, at this time.

[arnimal7]

You are not a bad boyfriend for loving her and putting her first. However she is not a bad girlfriend for feeling suffocated. It sounds like she just needs time to get her life together withschool and being independent. You might have been holding on a little too tight. Therefor getting frustrated because you may not understand. I have one question for you, how old are you and she? Age has a lot to do with it. I am sensing you both are in your early 20's. If so then that is normal for her or you to feel that way. Being that I am a woman, I can tell you right now girls/women like to feel independent and some not all like a little bit of a chalenge from men. So with that being said, I think you should cherrish the memories that you had with her and move on. Don't be a beck and call boy, and if she tries to call you I would miss a few of those calls. Let her feel like you have moved on. Cause you never know, she might get turned on even more and want you back. Haha Good luck with that

[UnluckyDucky]

She is the first women I had put my whole heart to, and always without fail, make her the first priority in life. ( for whatever the reason if she needs me, I will definitely be there to meet her even if I had to thrown my studies or on hand task aside.

Not everyone will agree with me on this point, and that's fine - I just want to offer you another perspective here. While it's encouraged to have your partner as a priority in your life, I'm a firm believer in that you should always keep yourself the first priority in your life. Doing so not only allows you to always bring the best of yourself to the relationship but also reminds you that you are ultimately responsible for your own happiness. Remember, relationships should augment and bring additional happiness to your life, not be the sole source of it.

I have to agree with artlady in that many women will react to you putting them ahead of yourself as a sign of weakness. I want to add that this will also cause most to start losing attraction for you.

~sigh... is there really such a thing of loving a person too much till you force her away? Is it really wrong?

If woman feels they are smothered by your affection or feels that you are too clingy, then yes it can force her away. Each individual in a relationship typically needs to have their own space once in awhile.

I honestly don't think you're a bad guy at all. I just think that you ultimately fell into the trap that many guys do - you get so overwhelmed with feelings of love that you lose yourself in the relationship because its very easy to do.

[mrpigz]

Hi artlady, kp2171 , arnimal7. Thank you so much for spending time to reply to my story or question.

I am 25 this year and she is in early 20s.

Anyway, I would like to add on something about what really went wrong in the last episode. I think is a very bad incident which shows that I am pushy to her I think.

When we patch back, there was this moment, after not going out together for like 2 weeks, she finally decided to spend time with me to accompany me to buy some stuff.

So in the process I was very happy, I waked up earlier to buy the breakfast she would like to eat and went over to give her a surprise. She was very happy and after that we proceed on to have our outing.

But suddenly, in the bus when I stroke her hair, stand very close to her, she suddenly feel very down. Is like very sad etc. So out of concern, I ask her what happen, did I do anything wrong or there's just something you she don't like?

Her reply was : " i dont know, dont ask me!"... after awhile she seems very frustrated. I am very confuse by then so I ask her out of concern : "hmm.. sorry i really might not be able to understand sometimes, but it would be good if you could tell me abit about whats going on?"

But she just get more frustrated and say Don't Know! Then we sit down quietly at some place and I keep my mouth shut and then after awhile I send her home.

The next day, I though she is okay so I went to find her and ask her whether it would be okay for her to have dinner with me? She say no, she will be going home to rest.

So I was quite disappointed, then when she ask me about what am I going to do now, I say
I wanted to stay with her in the computer room awhile before she left. She then get very pissed off and get very frustrated, crunching her fist and getting real angry and boiled up. Haha is sort of like the role is reverse between a guy and a women.

After that I try to calm her down, but she doesn't want me to be near to her. So stupidly and confuse me , ask her : " seriously, am i important to you?" I mean previously so many occasion, you ask me to have dinner with you to wait for you in school, I just push everything away for you because you need a person to accompany you in school till late.

She then replied : " important? important VERY important..so important that i want to marry you now you know...must as well marry you now ! "

I felt very sad, after which a lot of commotion took place, which makes us both want to break down.

Hmm one question is that, is it wrong to ask what happen to your parnter if she's feeling down? Or should one be quiet and hope she would tell you instead.

And lastly, is it wrong to be too frank to someone you loved on the levels of sharing to them how you feel?

Okz, I should stop whinning so much now, thanks a lot sincerely to you guys and anyone that can really give me your opinions on my situation. Because I really feel abit of the low self esteem, wanting to know what's wrong with me after she had decided to left me.

[arnimal7]

Your welcome. You know, when I was like 20, There was this guy that I dated and he was smart, nice, compassionate, so on and so forth. He put me first all of the time, pretty much did any and everything for me. Everything was great with him and I saw us being married but there was that one thing that I couldn't figure out. I just couldn't give him my all. For what ever reason I still to this day don't know. So maybe she loves you but really doesn't love you.

[talaniman]

She then replied : " important? important VERY important..so important that i want to marry you now you know...must as well marry you now ! "

Not sure I understand what was meant here, but for sure you were a bit to clingy and always trying to fix things for her. Knowing when to back off, and give a partner space to breath, and grow, is a lot better than making her your ONLY priority.

BALANCE your life with other things, and she can appreciate you more, when you do get together, if you do. Your inexperienced, and need to learn, you will, if not with her, with another.

I suggest you back off, and leave her alone for a while, and focus on your own happiness, so you will have something good to share.

[slapshot_oi]

And when she spend too much time on her studies and i felt neglected, if i would comment ...or feedback to her even in a nice way, she would end up getting frustrated, and both of us will become depress and we cannot communicate anymore. and then after that she would need time to be alone to recover, which really kills me.

I had a girlfriend that would nag like that, she drove me nuts. And who are you to say what's too much time?

hmm one question is that, is it wrong to ask what happen to your parnter if she's feeling down? Or should one be quiet and hope she would tell you instead.

It ain't wrong, but after a while of hearing "I'm fine" when you know she's really not, you should just learn to take what the say at face value and go about your business. Yeah, it's unhealthy and annoying, but blasting her with questions doesn't seem to be working either.

and lastly, is it wrong to be too frank to someone you loved on the levels of sharing to them how you feel?

That's actually a really good question. My first serious girlfriend, when I was 18, told a mutual friend, "sometimes he's too honest", I told her everything, all the time, so often that I'm sure only half of it was true. Since then, I've learned to say only what needs to be said; less is more.

[Romefalls19]

Slapshot, your second point is dead on. As bad as it sounds, if my fiancé is bothered and I know she is, I'll ask maybe once or twice what's wrong. If she says "nothing" or "i'm fine" I go about my business, I feel if she wants to talk about it, she will when she is ready. I hate being bothered when something is wrong with me. Especially if I am just trying to figure it out myself.

[mrpigz]

hi guys thanks for the replies. I appreciate all of the respond.

Guess I am just too clingy on her or maybe I should say... without knowing, I am too used to do things with her, together with her.

I guess I am really sucky in relationship. I though I could give her happiness by putting her as first priority, being honest with her with how I feel and always be there for her. But I didn't realize so much that it becomes or I becomes clingy and needy.

Is it always true that no matter what, guys should not be clingy to their partners? Shouldn't spend too much time with their partners?

Is it there a relationship that both clings to each other? ( OK maybe my question sound stupid... sorry) =X

I need to grow up and learn. I am really feeling like a failure now. Is like I force the one I love away.

[kctiger]

hi guys thanks for the replies. i appreciate all of the respond.

Guess i am just too clingy on her or maybe i should say...without knowing, i am too used to do things with her, together with her.

i guess i am really sucky in relationship. I though i could give her happiness by putting her as first priority, being honest with her with how i feel and always be there for her. But i didnt realize so much that it becomes or i becomes clingy and needy.

Is it always true that no matter what, guys should not be clingy to their partners? shouldnt spend too much time with their partners?

Is it there a relationship that both clings to each other? ( ok maybe my question sound stupid...sorry) =X

I need to grow up and learn. i am really feeling like a failure now. Is like i force the one i love away.

Relationships are a learning experience, period. It is all about finding a BALANCE between the lives of the partners involved...

[UnluckyDucky]

hi guys thanks for the replies. i appreciate all of the respond.

Guess i am just too clingy on her or maybe i should say...without knowing, i am too used to do things with her, together with her.

i guess i am really sucky in relationship. I though i could give her happiness by putting her as first priority, being honest with her with how i feel and always be there for her. But i didnt realize so much that it becomes or i becomes clingy and needy.

Is it always true that no matter what, guys should not be clingy to their partners? shouldnt spend too much time with their partners?

Is it there a relationship that both clings to each other? ( ok maybe my question sound stupid...sorry) =X

I need to grow up and learn. i am really feeling like a failure now. Is like i force the one i love away.

It looks like this was your first serious relationship so don't be too hard on yourself. If I had to guess, less than 99.99% of all people ever get it right the first time. Believe me, I thought that giving my all to the girl that I loved was the right way to go too - little did I know that revolving my life around her and ignoring my own was not healthy for me or the relationship.

True failure exists only when we refuse to learn the lessons presented from an experience. Once you're in the right frame of mind, compare the lessons you you have learned to the price you have paid, and you'll find every time that the lesson is truly a bargain.

[kp2171]

Look, if I have any clue about what I say, and some would say I don't have a clue, its because I made mistakes. Many of them. Over and over. Idiot things. Dumb moves. Been there, done that.

I've smothered a girl with too much attention.

I've forced too much distance with another.

I've spent hours planning how to wrap my life around a woman's life.

I've neglected a love for selfish, hurtful reasons.

We aren't saints here. At best, were reformed "sinners" who have learned from the mistakes we've made or the mistakes we've seen others make.

So... maybe you are too clingy. I think that is amplified right now because of her behavior. She isn't exactly calming you down or reassuring.

I can't speak for what's going on in her mind. My experience is when someone acts like she does, over and over, and it isn't just an "off week"... she's walking around the lines of a breakup and just doesn't know what to do. Leave the security? Test the waters?

There's no "perfect match" formula that makes all happy. Some people like to dote on their love. Some don't. Some people like to focus all their time and interest on their love. Some need time to themselves, for their friends, family, etc.

So... like I said. You might not be a "bad bf"... but you might be, or she might be, a bad match. Good people who care about each other, but don't quite mesh in enough ways.

She's clearly feeling pressure. Whether that's from you... or whether that's of her own making, wondering... or both... I don't know.

You can't save a relationship by solely your actions. You also usually don't get to take all the blame. Something is off here and until you both address it, whatever the underlying issue, you are just going to go back and forth with up and down emotions. One moments its great. Next its not.

You are trying to deal with the symptoms. Her stress. Her outbreaks.

That isn't what you need to deal with. You need to understand the real cause behind this. Is she really happy or not? Is she interested perhaps in someone else? Is she needing to focus on school and a relationship is too much work right now? Are there issues with money? Grades? Family? etc...

Maybe the problem is you. Or not. If you can't talk to her calmly about what she is going through and she can't talk to you calmly about what is going on... I don't see much future here... not without resolving whatever is going on.

She needs to learn to talk to you about what she honestly feels. You need to be open and willing to hear the truth, whatever that is.

[slapshot_oi]

Is it always true that no matter what, guys should not be clingy to their partners? shouldnt spend too much time with their partners?

Is it there a relationship that both clings to each other? ( ok maybe my question sound stupid...sorry) =X

I think we've all been there, in fact I did it with the last girl I dated. Naturally, she broke up with me.

Being clingy is bad because it screams insecurity and people just can't respect that, and in my last "relationship" (a 2-monther) I was insecure. I constantly worried about her ex killing himself or one of us and the fact I was still in college living off beer and spaghetti while she was off making over 60K a year driving an '08 Camery; I was so insecure so I'd try and "win her heart" via nice-guy syndrome.

If you have your girlfriend on a pedestal and emulating what you think is her ideal man, how is your girlfriend ever going to learn and grow with you?

[mrpigz]

slapshot_oi , kp2171, UnluckyDucky, kctiger, Romefalls19, talaniman,arnimal7, artlady, thanks for all your reply. The opinions you gave really did help me thought through a lot.
Thanks also for some that even share their personal experience as an example.

KP2171 , thanks, your last reply was so excellent, maybe its really that we are not a real match or for her maybe she had already given up hope on me.

I still remember our first break off happens, when she really did things she know that I doesn't like and we agreed before not to do it. So of course, I become frustrated that I feedback to her, then she say she had enough of me.

The fact is that, previously whenever we had a serious argument or misunderstanding, we would really spend time together and try to compromise each other. I mean really willingly spend the effort to see where we are heading to.

But till recently, it is not happening anymore. I wanted very much to try, at least communicate about what's wrong or at least communicate to one another when misunderstanding happens. But every time a small misunderstanding happens, she will walk away or want to be alone, away from me.

The first break off she say " she is very happy with me, but am really exhausted."

The second break off came about with me letting her go because she feel very frustrated and feel very comfortable with me. Once she saw me, she would become frustrated.

Anyhow, guys thanks, but I hope I can still ask all of you a question. Hope you guys don't find me irritating... haha...

Recently I had met up with her again for a short meal. I found that she had changed a lot, really not like what I used to be with anymore.

Previously during the first few weeks of the 2nd break off, she would still sms me now and then, but now she doesn't.

Actually deep inside, I somehow feel got some feelings for her, because she is the first women that I love and really spend a lot of effort into the relationship.

Should I move on? Should I adopt the no contact rule? I don't know what I should do now. When I see her, I would have mixed feelings.

Thank you for all your response in advance. :)
Hope you guys had a nice and wonderful weekends.

[talaniman]

To be attached to another is human, and breaking that attachment is one of the hardest things you will ever do. Yes, cutting all contact with her allows the emotional dust to settle enough for you to cope with your feelings, and not have them stirred up, or confused by the ex.

Then you can make better decisions for yourself, based on facts and not just those strong intense feelings you have. By in large, that's the best way to go.

[yanugst]

Man, I'm in exactly the same position as you. I'm 25, she's 30. At first everything was amazing, we got along just so incredibly well. Then all in a sudden, someday, there came about the question of "space". What I don't quite understand is that why was she spending every minute with me at the beginning then all in a sudden when the relationship has reached a new level she starts talking about how little space I gave her and how clingy I am.

[smalltowngal]

I'm only going by a small amount of information you've provided, but you've mentioned how she spends her time. She works, goes to school, tries to make time to spend with friends... sounds as though she has a pretty busy life. What you didn't mention is how you spend your time, but it sounds like you've got extra time on your hands if you're so easily able to drop everything to be with her. She could be feeling smothered and pressured to make time for you that she really doesn't have to spare. She could also be frustrated if she doesn't see you having specific direction in your life. What are YOUR dreams? What are YOUR goals? What do YOU want out of the next 60 years of your life? And what are you doing right now to accomplish that?

[mrpigz]

I'm only going by a small amount of information you've provided, but you've mentioned how she spends her time. She works, goes to school, tries to make time to spend with friends... sounds as though she has a pretty busy life. What you didn't mention is how you spend your time, but it sounds like you've got extra time on your hands if you're so easily able to drop everything to be with her. She could be feeling smothered and pressured to make time for you that she really doesn't have to spare. She could also be frustrated if she doesn't see you having specific direction in your life. What are YOUR dreams? What are YOUR goals? What do YOU want out of the next 60 years of your life? And what are you doing right now to accomplish that?

Hi smalltowngal, she doesn't work but both of us are in the same school right now. She's not someone that always went out with friends but she is someone that is very focus in studies.
To start with, I too have my studies and assignment to deal with, my hobbies, my own family , my own friends, my own plans of getting a job after I graduate.

Anyway, my extra time came about because I cancel my friends outing plan or study plan to be with her. This is because she is very focused in study, and I respect her for that, so in order to compromise, if I had my own outing plan etc, I would cancel mine so that I would be free during moments when she is free. If I don't, I would not be possible to really spend time with her.
Sometime I wonder whether is it okay do that for the one you really loved. Is like During our anniversary last year, I would do all the planning of surprises, gifts etc, but because she is very busy studying, she didn't prepare anything but I too have my exams.

Maybe my thinking is wrong, such that for the one we loved we should sometimes sacrifice some of own priority for the time being.

Frankly speaking, after being with her for so long, I really have the intention to settle down with her, so my life had really changed quite a lot. I often want to do things together with her, she too did the same but as times goes by, she slowly distant away wanting her own space time. After which I gave her all the space time she could, and try to comprise my time with her, my changing my own schedule to fit hers.