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A17 · Feb 25, 2009, 07:12 AM

I am married and I have very strong feelings for the same sex. I had 2 relationships with the same sex one was for 3yrs and the other for one year. I thought it was because I just loved that person. So then I moved on and now married for 7 yrs and the feelings are back and I don't know if it will go away or not. What do I do. I have two children.
I don't feel I was ever connected to my spouse.

excon · Feb 25, 2009, 07:48 AM

Originally Posted by A17

I am married and I have very strong feelings for the same sex. I have two children..... I dont feel I was ever connected to my spouse.

Hello A:

I have strong feelings about robbing banks too, but I don't act upon them.

I'm sorry you don't feel a connection to your spouse. That certainly didn't stop you from make a lifelong commitment to her/him though, did it?

Plus, your children didn't bargain for your inability to maintain.

Stay married. I don't care if you are miserable.

excon

A17 · Feb 25, 2009, 07:58 AM

SO you are saying that people can not ever be happy! I was happy for a long time but something was missing and now I feel so unhappy I tried to be a good wife. I just feel unhappy because I love my children very much. He is a great guy and I also think he should be with someone who wants him

excon · Feb 25, 2009, 08:07 AM

Originally Posted by A17

SO you are saying that people can not ever be happy! I was happy for a long time but something was missing and now I feel so unhappy

Hello again, A:

Sometimes, when you make commitments to OTHER people (your children for example), those commitments take precedence over your happiness.

The world doesn't OWE you happiness.

excon

smoothy · Feb 25, 2009, 10:28 AM

Another way of looking at what excon said is the old analogy of " The grass being greener on the other side of the fense"... Its an optical illusion. If you aren't happy on your side of the fence, you will find the same problem after you get on the other side and look back across. And you can't keep crossing that fence whenever you wish... you have a family and children that didn't ask to be put in this situation.

bronzebabe · Feb 25, 2009, 10:36 AM

While I understand you can have feelings for someone OTHER than your spouse, you DID make a committment by getting married. When you get married and have children, you have made a committment. I married my husband because I love him... even if I look at some other guy, and he looks all good and fine, I won't be divorcing my hubby to go chase after some other guy. I made a committment.
You need maybe some marriage couselling. You need to make the decision to get to know AND love who you are married to. Smoothy IS right, "the grass always looks greener..." that doesn't mean you should go lay in it... Good luck!

slapshot_oi · Feb 25, 2009, 01:19 PM

You won't be happy until you're 100% certain you know exactly what you want. Sounds like your teetering on a fence right now, unsure of just about everything.

Here's another one: "the grass is always greener where the dogs are sh*tting".

kctiger · Feb 25, 2009, 01:38 PM

Originally Posted by A17

I am married and I have very strong feelings for the same sex. I had 2 relationships with the same sex one was for 3yrs and the the other for one year. I thought it was because I just loved that person. So then I moved on and now married for 7 yrs and the feelings are back and I dont know if it will go away or not. what do I do. I have two children.
I dont feel I was ever connected to my spouse.

I am completely baffled by your post here... you have had two relationships with the same sex, which I assume means you had "sex" with the same sex, and yet you didin't think you were gay? Am I missing something here? You thought you did it just because you were in "love." I LOVE a lot of my guy friends, but I don't have a relationship with them... at least, not a romantic one. Not only did you do that, but then you married a female... am I correct here? What did you think "gay" was? Was the definition not very clear? How did you not realize you were gay? Or at least, bisexual?

Fr_Chuck · Feb 25, 2009, 01:49 PM

1000's of married men want to cheat on their wife every day, and a lot of them do. Cheat with hookers, with other married women, keep a mistress or have a gay lover, we get them all here every day also.

The issue here is you are married, and gay or straight you are not auppose to be cheating on them.

You "never connected" then why did you ever marry them to start with??

But what you are suppose to be doing now, is getting counseling, working on your relationship with your wife and family. And I will agree sounds more bi/sexual

liz28 · Feb 25, 2009, 03:05 PM

If you never felt you had a connection with your husband why did you marry him and than had kids with him?

You are who you and all because you might have be confused at the time you shouldn't add other people to your cunfusion because you only causing unnecessary hurt to the other part and that's unfair.

artlady · Feb 25, 2009, 03:13 PM

I think you should seek the help of a therapist who can help you with your conflicting sexual preference issues.

I don't know that homosexuality comes and goes so your history is somewhat confusing.

You should not be condemned to spent the rest of your life emotionally and physically unfulfilled because you married the wrong sex.

If you have no connection to your spouse staying in the relationship is cheating them as well.

I would get these issues sorted out with a professional before you make any long term decisions.

Ren6 · Feb 25, 2009, 03:28 PM

I'm one more who doesn't believe you should spend the rest of your days in a relationship in which you are unhappy. I'm with artlady- you need to see a counselor and figure out if you're gay. You really need to hash all of this out before you make any decisions you might regret later.

Take care...

liz28 · Feb 25, 2009, 03:39 PM

Yeah, you should never stay with someone if your unhappy and just because the two of you have kids togethe but in the end it isn't good for the kids and unfair for them to grow up in a home when one parent is unhappy. Because sometimes they feel like their the blame for you staying and/or feel resentment towards you if you leave their father but happiness starts from within.

humble10 · Feb 25, 2009, 04:07 PM

It seems that you married your wife thinking those gay feelings would just do away.The first thing to do is to ask yourself, do you really want to be that way, If not, ask God to help you.If you are desiring those feelings you are having for the same sex and don't won't to change,that is not a healthy marriage to your wiife, nor is it fair to her.I hope that you allow God to change you to what is right.

neverme · Feb 25, 2009, 05:41 PM

I'm torn on this one, you think I could answer it since I'm a bi woman from a divorced family... but no!

Well I think on one hand, you made a commitment and you should stick to it.

But then again, your kids and your husband will start to feel the resentment if you stay there unhappy.

But what really gets me is that you didn't at least come to the conclusion that you were at least bi...

... and also WHY would you marry a man that you feel you have no connection for?. that makes NO sense to me.

So, I'd go with artlady, get a counselor and see if you can deal with your issues.

talaniman · Feb 25, 2009, 06:46 PM

I don't feel I was ever connected to my spouse.

Your solution is simple. Free your spouse and children from your confusion, through divorce, and take your freedom, and go seek your happiness... and the consequences of your actions.

VAN5090 · Feb 25, 2009, 08:07 PM

Their are many phycologist available or Be Honest talk to your spouse about your feeling even though it may be hurtful but at least your not ignoring the situation. The children should be a part of your life always its not their fault that you feel the way you do . Don't run away and abandon them but its always nice to still have that friendship connection with your spouse She'll understand Just be honest Ignoring these feelings could bring more problems in the future.

animander · Feb 25, 2009, 08:28 PM

First and foremost you have to think about how your decisions will affect your children.

It could be possible that you have just become bored because marriage and family usually brings monotony and you are just looking for an out that has nothing to do with being gay or straight because you just want a change.

You should take the time to try and connect with your spouse, because if you were able to have a family and build a life with them you should be able to connect with them as well.

A17 · Feb 26, 2009, 08:35 AM

Originally Posted by kctiger

I am completely baffled by your post here...you have had two relationships with the same sex, which I assume means you had "sex" with the same sex, and yet you didin't think you were gay? Am I missing something here? You thought you did it just because you were in "love." I LOVE a lot of my guy friends, but I don't have a relationship with them...at least, not a romantic one. Not only did you do that, but then you married a female...am I correct here? What did you think "gay" was? Was the definition not very clear? How did you not realize you were gay? Or at least, bisexual?

I was young and thought it would fade. I made a mistake and now I have a family.

A17 · Feb 26, 2009, 08:42 AM

Originally Posted by neverme

I'm torn on this one, you think I could answer it since I'm a bi woman from a divorced family...but no!

Well I think on one hand, you made a commitment and you should stick to it.

But then again, your kids and your husband will start to feel the resentment if you stay there unhappy.

But what really gets me is that you didn't at least come to the conclusion that you were at least bi...

...and also WHY would you marry a man that you feel you have no connection for????...that makes NO sense to me.

So, I'd go with artlady, get a counselor and see if you can deal with your issues.

I had a connection with him. He does not show that much affection very littlle and when he wants to its for sex. I had told him for 4 yrs I need more and I never thought I would want to be without him. Then in the last past to years I grew very apart from him and wanted more in my life. I then started to have feelings for another women. I always knew I was bi. But I think now I am wanted a women more because I can compare the difference of what I need emotional.