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Funky Chick · Feb 24, 2009, 04:00 AM

I was with a guy 5 years ago for just over a year who made me very happy. He was 5 years younger than me and still at university. We started to fight about him smoking dope and me wanting more from the relationship as I wanted us to move in together the year after. In the end we broke up as I went a little crazy about him taking drugs one day and decided we weren't at the same stage in life. We both were very upset about the break up and stayed in minimum contact to not hurt each other. I then started to see a friend of mine who had been after me while I was with this other guy, I was loving the attention and that he wanted to move in with me after 6 months. We started to argue about silly little things all the time, when we were out on a night out mainly jelousy on both parts. I was still in love with my ex and didn't feel totally committed to the new guy.
Even though I was feeling this we decided to buy a house together as we were fed up of renting. Things have been okish but we still fight when we go out and are around other people and can't be ourselves. For the last 6 months me and my ex have been talking and seeing each other now and again. He met a girl and moved in with her and then split up as he still like me. We are now getting a little closer and I'm very confused about what I should do or be with. My ex makes me very happy and makes me laugh without the help of gifts or anything but is still into taking drugs and hasn't got permanent work. And my current boyfriend is always grumpy and hardly ever makes me laugh and tries to buy me things which makes me happy for about 5 minutes, he's very good around the house and would do anything for me but the spark isn't there and hasn't been there for a few years now. We have been for counseling and I even moved away with work for a few months hoping with that time I could figure what I wanted but I didn't and I am very tempted to cheat on him. Could someone give me a little advice as its drving me crazy.

kctiger · Feb 24, 2009, 06:37 AM

Both you and your ex seem to have dependency problems... I mean, you guys date someone for only 6 months and then move in? That is pretty quick... really quick, in my opinion. You both seem to latch on to the next best thing when something else isn't working, and I don't think either of you know what you truly want. Being in a relationship, sadly, is the last thing I think you guys should be in... have you ever been alone?

talaniman · Feb 24, 2009, 07:12 AM

What do you expect jumping from guy to guy, just to have a man around to make you happy?

6 months is a little soon to move in with someone, and no doubt there are things you didn't know then, but your finding out now.

This is unhealthy on so many levels, and I don't think you will be happy for long with anyone, until you are happy with yourself.

Be single while you get your act together, and are healthy enough for an adult caring relationship. Not one you jump into, and expect it to work, just to have someone.

Funky Chick · Feb 24, 2009, 07:43 AM

I haven't been alone for around 6 years. The guy I started seeing after I split with my ex was an old friend of mine who I have always been close to. It was only after a year of seeing each other we started to date properly and then move in because of money. I know people have moved in a lot quicker than that and are fine. I guess I am a little scared of being on my own but its not just that, I'm scared of losing the house and all the money I have poored into it and scared of losing someone who really cares for me if I do want to be with him. I still like my ex though and I would have thought if it was just a crush I wouldn't feel like this after so many years.

Justwantfair · Feb 24, 2009, 07:58 AM

You are this relationship for all the wrong reasons, because you are too scared to be alone. You have to love yourself if you are going to love someone else and apparently you don't.

So the reason you broke up with the ex, is still an issue, but now it is OK? That doesn't make ANY sense. Stop communication with the ex.

You need to work on you. You need to find out how to break both relationships, because what you are doing to your current boyfriend is (my opinion only) already cheating, you are emotionally leaving the relationship for another person.

slapshot_oi · Feb 24, 2009, 08:04 AM

I don't understand how people can go through life so confused. I know quite a few people like this and I always am curious as to what's going on in their mind.

I'm not trying to be insulting, this is an honest question: did you go to college and dorm there?

Funky Chick · Feb 24, 2009, 08:24 AM

Sorry I'm not sure what you mean about college or dorm there? I went to university and stayed in the town that I studied in afterwards. The issue is still there with the ex about drugs and I guess I was just hoping it was going to go away but it still bothers me. The thing I had with the second guy felt right at the time, he was giving me what I wanted from a relationship and I guess was healing my wounds from the previous guy. I was still single but we were just close and it got closer. I know I should have taken time out from the last guy before dating properly again but got carried away with things. I still really care for my current boyfriend and its hurting me that Im letting feelings for the other guy happen. I guess I'm having a case of what if about my ex as we broke it off quite ammicably. My current boyfriend is what I guess you would call a 'model' boyfrend who can do no wrong. I guess its because I'm used to getting my own way with him all the time I am getting bord and want some excitement and we have no spark.If we did I'm hoping I could forget about my ex and this would have never started. I read somewhere people wouldn't look for others for an 'affair' if they were happy in their own relationship. They don't go out looking for another relationship it just happens. I have a very low self esteem even though my friends say Im pretty etc. My ex used to tell me how nice I was and how great I could be in life but my current guy only ever tells me I look nice once in a blue moon, he never praises me for how wel I'm doing etc etc.
I guess the low self esteem starts from my father as he always told me I would never get anywhere in life and would never find a guy that likes me for who I am. I am trying to prove him wrong,

Justwantfair · Feb 24, 2009, 08:29 AM

Stop contact with ex.

Work on you, your current boyfriend deserves better than you are offering him. Don't look for excuses to have an affair. THERE IS NO EXCUSE!

slapshot_oi · Feb 24, 2009, 08:42 AM

Originally Posted by Funky Chick

Sorry im not sure what you mean about college or dorm there? I went to university and stayed in the town that I studied in afterwards.

'Cause living at college is the first time, for most people, where they learn self-reliance and self-actualize. I took a lot away from it and that's where I realized my life goals, I thought maybe you did, too.

Realize this: you don't need anyone and you probably shouldn't have anyone in your life right now. You're low-self esteem is affecting your current boyfriend. He never praises you because he knows you won't believe a word of it.

jmw0713 · Feb 24, 2009, 09:00 AM

You need to be happy with yourself. You continue to look for happiness in others, which will work for a little while. Once the honeymoon phase fades, and the reality of the relationship comes to light, you only have your happiness to rely on, with the other person adding to it, not providing it.

Finding your inner happiness and self confidence/esteem, only comes when you know you can do things for yourself, by yourself. Once you realize that you are the only person you can rely on 100% of the time and that you can be happy being alone and single, then you can start forging a great relationship with someone who adds to your life rather than provides your life.

As for the current situation, sounds to me that you need time off from dating to be on your own and figure out what Funky Chick wants instead of looking for this in others.