[brunetteiq]

Hi. My ex-husband and I divorced 20 years ago when we had our daughter who was 3 at the time. I have been through many things with her father. He is on his 3rd marriage, he has had a drug problem, he abandoned his daughter during these years and is very irresponsible. Although it drove me crazy, I sugar coated everything for her because I knew he loved her and I always wanted her to have a close relationship with him (I do not have a good father relationship).

Hi stepfather passed away recently, I attended the funeral and the wake. I have never acted out towards him and have no problems with his new wife. I get along great with his family. In fact, my daughter sat between her father and I.

Recently, I have learned that he and his new wife have been arguing and bringing up my name (she thinks we still talk). So, now that my daughter is pregnant and we have began attending things like the ultrasound (baby shower coming up), he makes it a point to say sarcastic, nasty things. I have ignored these comments but I do not wish to continue to be in the same room with him when he continues to try and antagonize me.

I approached my daughter and she says "You know he's not going to change, be the better person" I feel I have! Our last blow up she says "For the sake of you grandchild, you just need to get along" Again, I ignore his comments, but why should I have to take this stuff? I feel if I stop attending, it will just please him and my daughter and I will grow distance. If I go, I get upset as he continues. His mother and sister agree with me. My daughter doesn't want to approach her dad. What do you suggest? I think I played the better person all through my daughter's life. She is now 23 and I am not going to play for the next generation. I would just rather separate myself.

[startover22]

I agree with your daughter. Be the better person. Hey if he says anything to you again, say "hey I love it when you say ___________, that makes it very comfortable for our daughter and all of us, thank you." Say it in your nice voice with no pun intended. Say it in front of who he said it in front of, and leave it at that. Turn your attention to where it needs to be and leave it alone. I would never let my "EX" get in the way of me and my daughter, especially when she needed me at the most important time in her life. You and he made this choice for her to have to deal with your mis-haps, this is you and his deal, not hers. Make it so. Do not complain to her anymore, it will get annoying and she will stop inviting you to events that she doesn't think you will find out about. I know it must be uncomfortable and I am so sorry.

[brunetteiq]

Maybe I should be a little clearer. He says things like "You know, stretch marks are hereditary and your going to get so many" and I hope this baby isn't a nigger. These types of remarks. Should I stay and just ignore this? I have been the bigger person all of her life - she is now 23.

I will say we never had these types of problems until recently. When his wife isn't around he doesn't do this. He only does this when she is around to I guess make her feel better.

[startover22]

Wow, no way, I suppose I wouldn't put up with it. But, I would not bring her into it. Take him aside and talk it out when his new wife isn't there. Have you done that?

[Justwantfair]

After decades of being the better person and feeling trapped under the thumb of an ex that just pushes all the right buttons, I can feel your frustration, but I don't see a way out of it. If your adult daughter doesn't see that he is antagonizing you on purpose, then you don't have any real choices. Believe me the comments that he makes ONLY reflect poorly on him, not you. So while you may feel like you are forced to be the better person, more people probably see his comments for what they are. Try and keep all party contact to a minimum as there are many ways to avoid everyone being together except for necessary functions. Just keep smiling, no doubt the fact that you are a better person is why he continues the behaviors.

Good luck to you.

[brunetteiq]

I haven't tried to speak to him as I didn't want him to get off on the fact that he gets to me. But you are right, everyone (including his mother and sister) agree with me and see him poorly. My daughter does see this but basically says he isn't going to change. Thank god I am still close to his family and they said they will talk to him. We will see what happens.

[Justwantfair]

There are a lot of functions that you can avoid, the exception is baby showers and the day at the hospital. What I did with my divorced parents (although they do get along ok) is set up opposite times for the hospital day, one side visits in the morning or labor, the other comes later. Talk to your daughter calmly, tell her you just don't want things to be stressful for her and uncomfortable, as she probably gets uncomfortable as well, and ask her about making some special arrangements, it really shouldn't be too difficult for her.

[startover22]

I don't agree that the daughter should be the one making the special arrangements. It is you and the Ex who need to do this for the sake of your daughter. None of this is her fault. She should not be the one to suffer because he is too immature to be a man. I still think talking to him without interupting the best time of her life is the best.

[Justwantfair]

I guess for me, I don't accept responsibility for the fact that my parents are divorced and uncomfortable around each other, but it is pretty easy to make considerations to help.

That was just my take on a solution.

[dontknownuthin]

The first time a remark is made at an event, just respond clearly, "Dave, this is not the time nor the place. This is our daughter's day" and leave it at that. If he continues, leave.

You may ultimately just have to see your daughter separately.