[Grayfox]

You guys have been extremely helpful, but I do have one issue. I'm not sure that communication is going to stop. I feel fine when I'm not talking to her. However she calls me, and we talk about things and we laugh and joke and have a good time. Then I say I have to go or she says she has to go, and we say bye and continue with our day. I don't think she wants to stop talking, do I think we should? If I really wanted this to permanently be over yes. However, the more time I spend without her, the more time I spend correcting my mistakes just before I make them or right after I make them, the more I change I feel like with a little more time I can start over with her and do it right. Even if we don't make it, it seems as if I can rebuild something good out of all that's happened to us. She found this thread and read everything on it, she doesn't sound bitter and to be honest, she sounds happier. I feel prepared to do what I must, but I still get a feeling that I can make this something better, but I just need a little more time, I feel as though even if we did end it completely, she would still be one of my best friends in my heart, so I would be cutting off two relationships. I could do that, however I honestly don't know if its necessary. Any thoughts?

[Skell]

Well everyone has given you the same advice.
Maintaining the contact won't work but you seem hellbent on continuing so I doubt you are going to listen.

You see by her calling you and you answering and talking to her you are still under her complete control. She has you exactly where she wants you.

Like a little puppy dog on a lead and when she yanks the chain you come running back.

NOT GOOD! Do you want to be that!

She is keeping you where she wants you.

You are simply punishing yourself in my opinion. It won't work this way.

You need to get away. Leave her alone.
Don't ANSWER HER CALLS.

You have other things to do. I personally for your own good and healing process you need to cut all contact.

I have felt all your feelings. They are false. It is false hope you are holding on to right now.

I thought me and my ex would be the greatest of friends forever. We could sit in the front row of each other weddings and be happy. NOT Going to HAPPEN!!

It doesn't work like that! Trust everyone here.

Right now you need to move on and work on YOU.

No one can say it will be over forever. No one can say she will come back.

But I will say this. If you want the best chance for you two to be together again you need to make her realise what she is missing out on.

The only way to do that is remove yourself completely from her life for a while. 3 months or so!

You think she will forget you? Ha ha. No way! She won't forget you! And if she does well she wanst worth it!

I do hope you listen and trust the advice everyone gives you.

I know I wish I found this site as early in my break as you have. I wouldn't have made the many mistakes that makes my relationship almost irrepairable!

[s_cianci]

Perhaps your expectations were too high. It does sound like she was overly needy, clingy and immature. Dealing with her parents' divorce certainly didn't help matters either. You needed some space as we all do from time to time and that's normal. I believe you're right in that you moved things way too fast initially. Your post doesn't make it entirely clear just how long it's been since the two of you had any contact. However, if you truly feel that you want to give things a second chance then some honest, heart-to-heart communication is necessary here. You'll both need to genuinely talk about your needs and expectations and decide whether the two of you are compatible. I think a mutual agreement to end the myspace and other similar online forums will be essential if you're going to make a go of it. If the two of you truly have a compatible relationship then there should be no need for either of you to be "meeting" other people on myspace or whatever. Keep in mind also that no double standards will be tolerated ; expect to abide by the same expectations you impose on her and vice-versa.

[talaniman]

I don't envy your situation as you have to see the object of your hurt and affection everyday and I do realise how hard it is to make a clean break under those circumstances. We all do what we have to, to be true to ourselves, and the fact is some of us learn the hard way. No matter what anyone says some can see what's in front of them and avoid the pain of first hand disappointment and some will crash and burn. You will have to decide for yourself how to deal with this female who is so close and in your head you can't see anything else not even how you feel. She knows what she's doing you don't. Not a very fair playing field. What's the solution since you can't run and hide? Honesty , the cold truth. Don't hold anything back, if you want it, SAY so. Sit her down and lay it out. If she doesn't feel the same way move on. No crying, b*****ing, guilt, remorse, or begging. Get it all out in the open so it can be dealt with.

[K_3]

I see nothing wrong with talking to her. As for what I read she had every right to say she needed a break from your relationship. I think what everybody is missing here is the fact that you were a jerk also the whole way through your relationship by breaking up with her so much for no reason other than to see her reaction or to see how you felt without her. As I said in an earlier post you both sound as though you are not ready for a relationship. I do think you can talk this out and be honest with each other and communicate and no games and no lies. Both of you. There is a reaction to every action and she may have reacted to some of your actions. Very understandable. I am not siding with either of you. I just see both of you have issues. When and where they started only the 2 of you know. Everyone seems to think she is the bad guy here. I don't see it that way. I see both of you at fault. I have stayed friends with guys I dated, there is nothing wrong with that. I have an ex-husband that is the father of my children. We get along great. It is wonderful for our children. Just because two people can not have a relationship or be married does not necessarily mean either are bad. Just together they are not right, but with someone else, they are great.

You know what is in your heart, you deep down know what you want to do. I think where you were at fault also, you need to take whatever blame was yours and the two of you need to talk it out. I would have broken up with you also if you had continually broken up with me for no reason. Her friends were probably saying, why do you put up with him? He will do it again. You may have been showing those signs again and she just didn't want to go through it again. This is just some of what I got out of your post. You know the answers.
As you can see I have never been one to take sides. There are usually two sides to everything. I admit there are times when it is blatant one person is at fault. Not now.

[Skell]

I certainly don't see her as the bad guy but I just don't think talking to one another everyday is going to help. Unless the communication is blunt and too the point. They have to decide whether it is good to try again (how many times will that be? ) or break for good.

This continual cycle of breaking up with one another and getting back together surely has to stop.

It certainly isn't her fault. No way!

I just think that being friends with someone and talking to them just after breaking up only ends in hurt. Just my opinion though.

They both need time to themselves.

But as Tal said, and it is my fault for forgetting but this may be difficult given that she is still in hs life on adaily basis.

But never the less I think in order to work on themselves and work out who they are, you really need to do it alone and without constant communication!

Once they know exactly what each other wants then I certinaly agree with talking about it! But they both must be willing to accpet each others decisions!

You can stay friends with people you have dated, no doubt. But wouldn't it be very hard to be friends with someone you had a serious relationshop with? I don't think I could and I don't see any of my friends who have been able to!

[Grayfox]

Hello everyone, I thank you all again for your help in my other post. I have taken every word into consideration and I now am facing a few decisions, however I have some other questions that I would like to ask, they may seem strange, but I feel I need them answered. Any help is appreciated. Thanks

1. How much do sexual relations at an early age affect future relationships? Does it result in less opportunity?

2.Does lust (and I don't necessarily mean sexual intimacy, I mean very complex/foreign sexual desires and actions)exist while in love? Can it, those of you who have been married or are deeply in love with someone in your relationship, do you experience lust with that person even after much time together?

3. Is it wrong to continue a relationship with someone without necessarily intending for it to end in marriage? Given that the partner and you agree that you are unsure about it working out that far, but are open to possibility. You just enjoy being with each other and want to officialize all your connections(emotional,social,physical) rather than participate in a "friends with benefits"-like relationship.

That's all for now, they are strange I know, but I'm very curious about their answers so if anyone has any ideas, please enlighten me.:confused:

[talaniman]

1. Like a kid with a new toy we grow from curiosity to experienced. The opportunities depend on you as you will be the one to seek the partners you want to have the opportunities with. You attitude toward sex will dictate how often and with who.
2. I've been married 32 years and yes I still feel lust.
3. Unless you know what your looking for in a relationship you'll find it hard to define one with another person, it takes two people to agree how they want to live and deal with life together, whether marriage is the goal. Many couples reject a formal marriage but live and love each other forever. It depends on the people involved being mature enough to hone the skills necessary for a long term relationship. If you think about it marriage is a friends with benefits deal, with the proper paper work.

Hope I've helped. How old are you anyway?

[Krs]

1. I personally believe that sexual relations at an early stage of the relationship isn't a good start. I believe this because I feel the relationship has started on the wrong foot and is just sex based! Which in most instances I think that will fade away by time, and either person could get bored. However we are all individuals and it may work for some but not for others! I would rather see a guy who is interested to talk to me and learn a lot about me before he tries to jump in the sack because I wouldn't find that appealing really.

2. Yes I believe so. Im married, been with my husband a total of 8 years. I love him with all my heart and I'm deeply in love with him, I fancy him and I still feel lust ( infatuation ).

3. If both parties in the relationship have spoken about it and agree, then definitley, yes that's fine!

Hope I've helped too :)

[K_3]

In my post I have said time and again they are too immature and have too many issues to have a relationship. If they want to talk to each other, it seems they are. Talk, but fess up, tell the truth and don't play games. They see each other every day, they cannot avoid one another, it would make it easier for them and their coworkers. (A good reason not to date coworkers)
It is apparent they want to talk to each other. It seems as though they get along better as friends. I have dated guys that I found were great friends before and after but not good dating material.

As far a being friends after a relationship, it depends on the level of relationship. I have known some people that never want to see another, that is their right and what works for them. It seems as though these guy have broken up so much they haven't had time to develop much of a relationship.

Grayfox, I really think you could use some counseling on this breakup issue you have. It seems to me you have some insecurities and knowing she will come back satisfies something in you. I have a friend that she and her husband would split up about every 6 months for years. They finally went to counseling and he described it as the "honeymoon syndrome". Just think about why you really did it and until you can conquer that it would be unfair to go with someone.
These are just observations, it is hard when you hear one side and do not see people in action. :)

[J_9]

Well, I agree with all answers you have received so far. I just want to ask one question that Tal asked, but has not yet been addressed.

How old are you? How old is your partner?

To be perfectly honest, my answers will vary according to age. I can tell you what I think, but my answer will be based on my age. There are fine lines when it comes to certain relationships.

[Grayfox]

Oh, I'm 17 years old, my ex girlfriend was 16. I'll be 18 in October and she'll be 17 in January.

[J_9]

Okay, to answer your first question:

At your ages sexual relationships can affect future relationships because the "new partner" may feel inexperienced or have issues that feel like jealousy toward the ex. I am not sure what you mean by resluting in less opportunity, but if I am reading you right, I don't see how it would. You would just need to be up front, open and honest with the new partner about past relationships.

For the second question: Yes, in a true love relationship lust will remain.

Lastly, I believe it is wrong to continue in a relationship that you do not intend to proceed to marriage if your partner does not feel the same way. You both must be on the same page. If she is infatuated and planning weddings, looking at dresses, then yes it is wrong to continue that because she thinks it will end up this way. If you do not feel this way then you have to open up and communicate your feelings, do not assume she knows what you are thinking.

So, all in all, both partners of a relationship must have open communication.

[Grayfox]

Thanks everybody, I believe the overall consensus was about the same, so I believe my question has been effectively answered, however if anyone has anything they'd like to add please post it. Thanks again

Oh, and by less opportunity I meant do you think it would affect potential partners who believed in saving sex until after marriage, because technically, that's what I believe. However, I believe the answer to that question is pretty obvious...

[Wildcat21]

Dude - I didn't realize you were that young. You are thinking WAY too much for some your age. Just have fun, don't lead women on, hold off on sex - believe me - sex too early ruins it! - this from an old dude.

[J_9]

As I stated in my first post here... Age matters.

Whenever I try to answer questions in the "health desk" I make sure I know age.

The chemistry in age is so different from one decade to the next, so we have to be careful we do not assume.

It sucks though that most of my answers begin with "What is your age"

But I tend to answer more appropriately that way.

[Skell]

Yeah I also didn't realise you were so young.
Man, just enjoy being young for now and don't think so much. You'll drive yourself insane and girls your age don't want a guy who takes himself so seriously. Just relax, enjoy yuorself and have fun.
19, it is a great age to be.
Don't ruin it by worrying too much about relationships. I can speak on good authority here.
If you are a fun guy and enjoy yourslef and love yourself then the girls will come. They'll probably flock to you. But if you think too much and are really serious about everything they will run!

[s_cianci]

1. I believe that premature sexual encounters jeopardize your chances for eventually having a stable, happy, long-term committed relationship. Once you give yourself away to someone you can't just go and take it back and start all over again. This affects people emotionally which in turn affects their future relationships. Any counselor will tell you that any couples in crisis that they counsel invariably had sexual relations before they married.

2. Certainly. If you are in love with somebody you will be physically attracted to them.

3. Personally I don't believe that you should have any kind of relationship with someone that you wouldn't marry. If you have come to the conclusion that they're not marriage material then scratch them off your list.

[valinors_sorrow]

Saving your sexual initiation for when you are married is going to weed some girls out, but so do many other things... and its all good weeding out. This way who is left is much more likely to be like-minded and able to support you in your decisions, which is good.

I am in favor of being slow at getting into the sexual aspect. And that wasn't easy for someone coming of age during the "Free Love Generation" either! It turns out to be a matter of quality versus quantity -- sex with someone you know well is, for me, far better than with a proverbial stranger... I was going to say relative stranger but LOL I didn't like how that looked! :eek:

But the neat thing of it is... the fast get with the fast and the slow with the slow and it all works out somehow-- amazing, isn't it?

[Grayfox]

I believe you are very right k 3, it's a scary thought to not understand myself at all. I honestly don't know how to change, every now and then I feel these things start to come back and I don't understand what they are or why I feel them. I just know that satisfying them makes me happy. For instance, I can't stop looking at her myspace, don't get me wrong I'm not obsessed, I just feel like at any moment something is going to pop up that she was hiding or I'm going to watch the person I knew unfold into something worse. Every time I think of that, its hard to concentrate or even eat. I think more than I care about breaking up, I want to know that the person I dated meant everything they said and will not change into something less or do things out of character. However, its not my right to want that I guess, people change. I don't believe this relationship is the problem, I think the problem is rooted much deeper in me. I just can't figure out what they all are, let alone how to fix them. At nights I get very depressed and feel very lonely, I try to keep my mind busy through t.v. or games, but that doesn't really help. The thought of bed makes me unhappy, and a lot of times all I want is to feel secure, warm, and happy. For some reason, I feel like having my girlfriend there will give me those things. The next day, those thoughts are gone though. The thought of a relationship has always made me happy inside, that's what I've always wanted, and although I'm not hanging on to this one, it makes me wonder if dating casualy will satisfy anything. I would like to add, for those of you who are now no longer questioning why my girlfriend and I aren't together, that I do not share these feelings, especially with her. I don't consider myself a dependent person, but I am not happy alone. I was like that before my relationship and I don't remember being the happiest person, the only time I felt happy was when I was somewhere that I felt I belonged. Sometimes, on a game that I enjoyed where I could communicate to people and be a part of a team I would have a good time. Knowing that my skill, sense of humor, and ability to just enjoy the game were all greatly appreciated. I'm not sure if this is normal or not, I'm fairly ineffective at diagnosing my own problems, however I feel its easier to help people with theirs. I believe the obvious answer out of my ignorance is the only answer I have to clutch hold of in hopes that this is all temporary. I'd like to believe its just being an adolescent, and all a process of growing up. However, not many people my age are like that, you get the goth kids who hate everything and everyone, but even they find each other and achieve happiness. I like people, I am not goth, I go to church, I have no medical conditions that are known to me. I have strong beliefs in a lot of things, and don't have much to regret other than potentially this relationship. I have been told I think too much for my age, I believe it, but I am unable to stop. I am utterly clueless. If anyone has any comments, it would never bother me to hear them. Honesty is most appreciated.