[KillinMeSoftly]

First, the relationship I am currently in, ended my marriage of 12 years as I was cheating on my wife with this woman. I looked for all the excuses in the book to blame someone else but it was all me. The woman I cheated with is beautiful and sexy and someone I enjoy spending time with. We share the same interests etc.

I have been in this relationship for almost 2 years now. We live together and run into the usual fights about chores etc. Which I know from my past marriage.. is just part of a relationship. A few months ago, I caught her in the beginning stages of a relationship with someone she worked with. I intercepted some text messages and an email. She sent him some pictures and he replied telling her how beautiful she was etc. Ironically, on the day I found out about it, I called her to confront her about it, and before I had the chance to tell her that I knew, she told me she needed " Time Apart" and had moved most of her things out of our house. I was devastated to say the least, I ended my marriage to be with her and despite all the warnings from others, she did in fact cheat on me.. just like I did with my ex wife. Somehow, she ended up moving everything back into the house the same night. She admitted what she had done, no sex, but pictures and flirting. Seemed just as bad to me.

Long story short, that was months ago and things seem to be better. But she is really, really pushing the marriage thing. Wants a ring etc. I am not ready, Im still hurt and whenever I bring up what happened, she shuts down and doesn't want to talk about it. She often compares us to other couples, but she doesn't understand the comparison isn't the same. I love her, I want to be with her, But not sure how to move forward.

[posey_84]

Sorry but I assume when you were cheating with her she knew you were married therefore she's a cheat too! Your both as bad as each other. You can't really hold against her that she was texting some guy when in your last relationship you were actually sleeping with someone else. Your in no position to play the wounded party really or be saying wats right and wats wrong. What comes around goes around I'm afraid

[KillinMeSoftly]

Posey,

I would tend to agree with you. However, people do change and I am not now, nor will I ever cheat again after seeing the pain I inflicted and just the plain fact that it is wrong. Im not " playing" the wounded party here. What I did in my past is just that, my past. I guess I should have included that in my original post.

[posey_84]

Well if that's the way you feel then maybe you should put your new partners mistakes in the past too, after all she didn't even actually cheat.

[talaniman]

People do change, but still have to be responsible for their actions. You should have some very special insights into her behavior, having done the same, and worse, so either put it in the past, as you have done your own mistakes, and get over it, or continue to press, and she shuts down on you.

Either way, seems you both have a lot of talking to do, so you can resolve this issue.

No communications, no relationship, you should know that from your past experience.

Interesting you're the one hurt by your partners actions now.

[Alty]

Karma is a b*tch isn't it?

I have to agree with Posey and Tal. If you can forgive yourself for your former transgressions then you should be able to forgive her.

Should you two get married? Not now, you need to work on your relationship first. If she leaves because you won't put a ring on her finger then maybe you're better off without her.

Good luck.

[KillinMeSoftly]

Yeah, I can say it took me a very long time to forgive myself. I wonder if she is going through the same thing. Something I need to find out from her. Its hard to talk to her about it because whenever I bring it up she just shuts down on me and we get nowhere.

But you are correct, the lessons I have learned from what I did in the past have given me great insight into what her motivations may or may not be. I was just looking for some input from people who I don't work with or are in the same circle.

Tal, I wouldn't call it "Interesting" that it came back to me. I knew what I did would come back to me. One of my favorite lines from a movie " I have long feared that my sins would return to visit me, and the cost is more than I can bear". Anyone? Know what movie?

Thank you for all the responses. Didn't expect any.

[Alty]

It's possible that she shuts down because she feels guilt. It may take a while before she's able to rationally discuss this.

Communication is important though. Make sure that when you talk to her you aren't accusing, but listening. Make sure she knows that you forgive her, but you do need some closure on this subject.

Have you considered couples counselling?

[KillinMeSoftly]

Yes, I would really like to do couples counseling. I think its something that would help. Just need to find a way to pay for it. Im sure my extra 12 dollars from the stimulus will help. Lol