[Phil2021]

I hate everything about me.
The way I think, the way I act, the way I look, the way I see the world.
I'm never comfortable in my own mind when I'm not around my ex. We were best friends, closer than anyone could imagine. We told each other everything and we didn't judge.
I made the mistake of dating her, and now we never talk farther than "Hi what's up" even though we still call each other best friends. Every time I see her I can't help but melt, I'm at peace with myself.
Since I was a kid I've been treated like the dumbest being on earth, and I know I'm not, but I beilieve it. It doesn't even make sense. My parents always yelled at me for getting C's, the kids chewed me up and spit me out. They'd always call me a slob and a slouch and look I've grown up to be. I'd cry before it even got to the point of getting in a fist fight.
There are moments when it feels like I have a spark of genius, like I know exactly how the world works and why, but when I try to explain it I end up sounding like a smug jackass on the 10 o'clock news. I'm even having a problem writing this self-hate tell-all.
Like I know don't know where to begin, I struggle to find and end as well. In the process my mind just shuts down and stops whatever it's doing.
I have panic attacks like someone's following me or watching me, and I feel like a wimp. 10 seconds later I will turn around ready to kill who/whatever it might. Just once do I want to jump into the center of heated combat, screaming at the top of my lungs as I lash out at the world and vent my rage via slashing and hacking with a sword or punching holes in enemy soldiers with an assault rifle. The only way I get that rush of adrenaline is driving my car like a maniac with no regard for anyone's life - not even my own. I'll do 60 in 30 and I still won't get my kicks.
I hate how I have this moment of courage and energy to get up and go do something, run on a treadmill, work out - anything will do. And I hate how a few seconds later I will say f*** that, sit back on the couch, and melt my brain via television.
I hate how I hate myself, it's like a cycle that never ends. I hate the way I look, yet at the same time I look at myself in a mirror and say "You're not that bad, you have muscle, you have right stuff, all that's holding you back is that beer-belly and those teeth.
My parents never made me do a damn thing. Never cleaned up my own room, never cleaned my own messes, never brushed my teeth, never did homework, never did any physical activity outside gym class with Mrs. Fryder (I called her Friday).
I want to fix myself. I want to have my teeth fixed, get my body toned, get my money straight. But as soon as there's a setback, I lose that attitude. I think to myself that I'm going to die before I'm 30 anyway so what's the point. I'll never get old, I refuse.
Nobody around me knows I feel this though. I put on a happy front most of the time, like my s**t don't stink. I hate how I genuinely want to make people happy, because it makes me happy at the same time.
I hate how I saved my ex from her past abusive relationships over and over. It made me feel like a hero, and she would always call me that. I felt good about myself. I hated it.

[EnglishSolution]

Okay, I believe that what you are saying a great deal of people go through. It is hard and stressful to look at yourself in the mirror and be able to tell yourself that you are too much this or too much that. Or when you have grown up not doing a damned thing for yourself. I cannot say that I understand fully but I can let you know that what I have read from your posting I can relate to. I do not sympathize nor do I agree that when you say you will die by thirty that your life doesn't matter? Of course it matters or you wouldn't be here right now. If you truly and I mean TRULY wanted to better yourself you would get out of whatever slump you have been laying in and put some shoes on and go for a walk. Just hear me out, walk somewhere new everyday for an hour, longer if you so choose. But walk at least an hour a day starting in a new direction until you have created a habit, a healthy habit. When you have created this path, bring something with you to work on. This is your new hobby. Whether it's taking pictures, writing something down on a tablet, bringing music to listen to, as long as it is something that gets you out of your house and into a better lifestyle. You have to better yourself before you can move on with your life. THough you cannot forget those who may have done you wrong, you have to be strong within yourself before you can truly forgive and forget.


Cheers