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espejuelo · Feb 20, 2009, 03:02 PM

Hi everyone I'm new to the site.
I met a wonderful guy over 3 yrs ago , he was my first and was good to me, we had little problems here and there but what always lead to the fights is my lack of commitment,I've a phobia for relationship so I never aknowledged that he was my boyfriend even though we did everything as a couple... I've broken up with him soooo many times within those years and he always takes me back. We brokeup again 6months ago I changed my # and did the nc thinking it will help me get over my problem. I called him up 4 days ago he was pretty happy I did and wants to work things out if I've changed. I know he loves me and I love him too but I never want to hurt him again I'dont want to lose him either but I can't help my actions smetimes.
I don't know what to do to get over my phobia, can any one give some advice... thanks

artlady · Feb 20, 2009, 03:08 PM

Look deep inside yourself for the answers.

Some people feel they are so unlovable they break off the relationship before their partner can,that way they don't get hurt.Its a self protective mechanism.

How were you raised? In a loving home where people expressed their feelings freely or something else.

This type of commitment phobia usually stems from fear.

neverme · Feb 20, 2009, 03:31 PM

I think if heard the same story written from your man's oint of view I'd tell him to run.

I don't think your being fair to him.

Why do you have the right to put him down and pick him u whenever you feel like it?

I think if you really loved him, you'd respect him and stay away.

espejuelo · Feb 20, 2009, 03:50 PM

Thanks artlady, I agree with u, u are right but I don't know how to change my mind frame or way of thinking...

Thanks never mind.. I know I'm unfair to him, but I do love him and want to things to work out I just cannot image him not being somewhere in my life

espejuelo · Feb 20, 2009, 03:55 PM

I meant to write neverme

artlady · Feb 20, 2009, 04:03 PM

Originally Posted by espejuelo

thanks artlady, i agree with u, u are right but i dont know how to change my mind frame or way of thinking...

thanks nevermind..i know i'm unfair to him, but i do love him and want to things to work out i just cannot image him not being somewhere in my life

Maybe you need to start seeing yourself as someone who can be loved and just have faith.There are never any guarantees and the chance of being hurt in love is real but if you don't at least try think of all that you are missing out on due to fear.

Sorry for the run on sentence,my English teacher would be appalled :)

heartbroke · Feb 20, 2009, 04:03 PM

Well if you're willing to make it work, you have to see him as a person with feelings and not a doormat. Work on the challenges you guys had in the past and learn from them so you don't make the same mistakes again. If you don't want to hurt him, then don't. Its kind of simple and really up to you what you do to him. If you really want it to work, you will be able to overcome those problems you had in the past and give him the respect he deserves as a person.

talaniman · Feb 21, 2009, 10:02 AM

How old are you both?

espejuelo · Feb 21, 2009, 10:09 AM

I'm 26 and he's 33

heartbroke · Feb 21, 2009, 12:29 PM

Sounds like you are emotionally unstable. Id think that women near their 30's would be old enough to be responsible for their actions. Maybe your just not accepting the fact that someone actually loves and cares about you, and it scares you.

espejuelo · Feb 21, 2009, 04:06 PM

I'm thinking of seeing a psychologist about this problem, I rreally don't know how to overcome this fear, and is just drives me nuts sometimes :(

talaniman · Feb 21, 2009, 04:24 PM

That's good, as we all need some help controlling ourselves sometimes.