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jman123h · Feb 18, 2009, 09:33 AM

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost three years. I am on a football team in which practice is 6 hours a day and during this past fall we saw each other about once a week and I was rarely in good moods. We won the championship in early December and I grew a big ego. I started thinking I was awesome and that I didn't need to be an amazing boyfriend after a tough few months. We had complications over winter break and we had gotten in a fight at a party over the break. Later that night I proceeded to get really drunk and make out with some girl from another town I called over to the party after I left. I didn't really remember what happened but I knew I hung out with another girl and I felt it wasn't right and I needed to make it better. I tried but a couple days into it she felt she just needed time and space to be by her own and find out what she loves and all of that stuff. That is true this time unlike other people who have gfs or bfs who do that. She is not one to drink or hook up with random guys. None of that kind of stuff is going on. However, a week into this she was informed by the girl I had kissed that we had done such. I denied saying I was drunk and didn't remember but knew we had hung out. She now feels she can never trust me again, and needs even more time. She is hanging out with new people and doing new things now. I know she loves me so dearly. But she doesn't feel it can work out for a while now. I am giving her space but I can't get my mind off her all day long. She is a perfect girl that never deserved any of this. Also, 2 years back in the relationship we had broken up and I had hooked up with some girl for a couple weeks and we had gotten back together. She feels that whenever times get rough I am going to do something like that. What do I do? I would never say a mean word to her again, let alone hurt her with another girl.

kctiger · Feb 18, 2009, 09:47 AM

For starters, quit thinking with your small head, and think with the big one... of course I mean the one on your shoulders.

Give her space. Your ego has clearly ruined the relationship for now, and that may, or may not, ever change. The good thing is that you seem to realize the error of your ways. The bad thing is, it may be too late. You reap what you sow...

Leave her alone, and for God's sake, DO NOT hook up with another random chick while you two are sorting things out. You take pride in validating yourself with other women... that isn't mature at all, and you know it.

Actions speak louder than words, and right now, she needs to know you respect her, as you haven't in the past. Give her what she asked for, and always be first class. Show her you can be a good guy, without getting drunk and hooking up. P.S. Alcohol is NOT an excuse...

jman123h · Feb 18, 2009, 11:32 AM

thanks for the quick response.. it has been a month and a half since the break up. I am an anxious and also competitive person. The only thing I do is feel I lost the most amazing girl and it's my fault. I haven't been able to get it out of my head for 50 days straight. My feelings are not just break up feelings where one says their x is so perfect. This girl really is remarkably beautiful and an amazing girlfriend. She feels she doesn't want anyone in her life right now that could possibly hurt her. She also feels I had mistreated her at times in the past but I was really going through a grueling football season. How do I show maturity without expressing my feeleings and pushing her away?

kctiger · Feb 18, 2009, 11:34 AM

Originally Posted by jman123h

How do i show maturity without expressing my feeleings and pushing her away?

By acting like a mature young man... let your actions speak for themselves...

annica949 · Feb 18, 2009, 11:46 AM

From a girl's perspective, this same thing happened with me and my ex. He did the same thing. He was also a big jock while he was in school and girls were always into him. We were together for years, he cheated on me and I, like your girlfriend stepped away.

Here's where things may differ and this is how it affected me (so you can see it from the girl's point of view)

He BEGGED ME BACK and cried at my window. He wrote me letters, he showered me with romance and I took him back after awhile. Keep in mind, he SWORE he would never do it again and I believe at the time he meant it.

We moved to Colorado together and what do you think happened? Well relationships have their lulls and trials and let me just say when things got hard his ego got in the way again and this became a revolving cycle. People ALWAYS become attracted when the other person pulls away. For some odd reason, human nature leads you to the person that pulls back. She is pulling back right now and you now want something you may not be able to have. This is HUGE and it will remain huge for your entire life. This is where you have to learn to love what you HAVE and what is not pulling away but is right next to you. That is when things seem boring but that is when you need to keep what you have.

So your girlfriend needs space and it's driving you nuts. I agree that it is maturity that will get her back because she wants to know it would never happen again. If you guys do get back together though the road will be that much tougher. She won't trust you, you guys will argue over it, you will want her to get over it, but the truth is... you need to GET her over it. She should be allowed to bring it up as many times as she needs and you need to be mature and get her through it and be by her side when she's right next to you. It's inevitable, you will always want what pulls away - and so will she. If you pull away she will want you more.. It's a stupid game that doesn't get anybody anywhere. To avoid all of this drama just be mature and if you ever get her back - treat her right.

talaniman · Feb 18, 2009, 11:52 AM

Leave her alone, and work on your own selfish, ego-driven, drunken bad behavior.

Your paying the consequences of your actions and deserve no consideration from her at all until you have completely changed and gotten your act together. Spare her the drama and give her what she asked for.

Good Luck with that.

jman123h · Feb 18, 2009, 08:46 PM

Annica your response helped a lot.. I did the begging and the pleading, I left flowers and notes and candy on her car before school let out and showed up at her work with love letters and said every thing that you would never expect out of an all-state, state champion football captain. She is enjoying her new friends now. She told me to stop with the begging and pleading. She has also told my closest friend who oathed to her not to tell me a word that she still loves me just does not want anyone in her life that is able to hurt her. I now feel I am acting different and am not the fun, funny, upbeat person I always was. I feel I am being more relaxed and boring to try to be mature. At a month and a half gone are feelings lost? How do I know? She also informed my friend she can't picture herself even kissing another guy for months to come, and neither can I. What kind of steps do I take? She really is an amazing girl and I will spend the rest of my life with her unquestionably even being at the age of 17. She is that special. I'd really appreciate if you commented back! Thanks

ChihuahuaMomma · Feb 24, 2009, 11:26 AM

This is just my opinion, so please don't get mad at about it.

Stop contacting her. You can't trust her, she can't trust you... There's no possibility of a normal relationship.

jman123h · Feb 24, 2009, 11:29 AM

I can trust her with anything in the world. And up until I acted like a drunken idiot so could she. We both love each other so much, but you feel no chance of being normal?

ChihuahuaMomma · Feb 24, 2009, 11:32 AM

I've been in relationships where there were breaks, and that's exactly what it is... A BREAK... If you get back together those things will always weigh heavy on both of your minds.

She won't ever be able to trust you the same.

jman123h · Feb 24, 2009, 11:41 AM

So even though she may be able to trust me almost 100%, it's not worth it because it will never be up to that level?

wick2185 · Feb 24, 2009, 11:45 AM

She is playing head games with you. So go out with your friends and find the opportunity to meet new people. I've been in this situation before. And I've learned from it. If you two went several weeks without being "official", then it's time to move on. Life is short. And there's a lot of stuff waiting for you out in this world. Trust me. I know what it's like. One of my ex girlfriends had done the same thing to me. I said screw it and went on with life. I am now with another girl and we eventually got our own place and things are great. The same thing can happen with you. It'll be hard at first but, you'll live.

ChihuahuaMomma · Feb 24, 2009, 11:46 AM

Originally Posted by jman123h

So even though she may be able to trust me almost 100%, it's not worth it because it will never be up to that level?

I'm not her... but when I was cheated on, there was no chance of trust being back up to 100%, not even up to 50% so I ended it.

jman123h · Feb 24, 2009, 03:31 PM

She's an amazing girl and I really don't see myself with another girl ever, and I'm not in the stage right now where you can only see your ex as the most perfect human in the world and that she is god's gift to this earth. So I just forget about it? She's really special to me, first love.

talaniman · Feb 24, 2009, 04:42 PM

Heal and move on, as she won't be your last. Did you learn anything from this experience???

jman123h · Feb 24, 2009, 05:54 PM

It's hard to heal when she still lingers and calls me. I don't want to tell her NC completely because I don't want her out of my life and I would still do anything for her back. I answer when I want but she is what I want. I'm starting to feel better. But I have learned a lot from this - a lot about me, a lot about what I want in a girl, what kind of person I want to be.

ChihuahuaMomma · Feb 24, 2009, 11:41 PM

Do you want to be with someone that toys with your heart, feelings, emotions and trust? Or do you want to be in a loyal, monogamous, committed relationship. This is the choice that you have to make.

kctiger · Feb 25, 2009, 06:18 AM

Originally Posted by jman123h

it's hard to heal when she still lingers and calls me. I don't want to tell her NC completely because I don't want her out of my life and I would still do anything for her back. I answer when i want but she is what i want. I'm starting to feel better. But i have learned alot from this - alot about me, alot about what i want in a girl, what kind of person i want to be.

The only time I ever learn anything is if I truly let go of something, otherwise, you are still guided by your emotional attachment for this girl. You THINK you have learned things, and that may be the case, but until you truly let her go, you will NEVER change anything. I tend to believe that... maybe some other people won't. Just my opinion.

jman123h · Feb 25, 2009, 03:08 PM

Threads merged, any other on this subject will be deleted. If you want more feedback, then you need more input on this thread!!

chuff · Feb 25, 2009, 05:13 PM

Give her what she wants. She asked you for space so give it to her. Maybe she'll come around after some time alone. My guess she won't because you've burned your bridge. That being said, you can never get her back by begging, and you can never get her back by not following what she's asked of you.