Check out some similar questions!

beach_boys · Feb 15, 2009, 02:10 AM

I grew up in a non-dysfunctional family. But I had issues with my sibling and even to this day we don't really get along. Parents were OK I guess. Im not really fond of them too..

There is this new girl at work who always wears a grin on her face. Im not falling in love here... Please!
But, the problem is that whenever she talks she taps her hands on my shoulder or back. It IS in a friendly manner. She is not trying out on me. I am very very confident about this. She is very bubbly and cheerful to everyone.. No ifs or buts on that.

Im not used to the pat on my back or the tap on my shoulder. How do I deal with this?
Oh, I can ask her to keep distance. But that's not the point. Every time she touches me, I feel bad and un-comfortable about it. What is this? I don't have ANY feelings for her.. I guess it's the touching thing. I don't know how to explain but can anyone explain why I feel this way? Please

Thanks

Mistery2000 · Feb 15, 2009, 03:38 AM

I don't know why you may be feeling the way you do when she pats you on the back, but I would just tell her the next time she does it to u, tell her in a nice way and make sure she understands what you are telling her she should understand

danielnoahsmommy · Feb 15, 2009, 04:57 AM

I think you enjoy your own space and she is invading yours. Take a step or two back from her when she talks to you. She will get the idea that she is too close

Choux · Feb 15, 2009, 12:31 PM

You need an attitude adjustment, beach.

Learn to like a gesture of friendliness from another human being. :)

Be friendly in your mind---not looking for trouble.

Best wishes, :)

0rphan · Feb 15, 2009, 02:59 PM

I can understand that... when I was at school there was a particular teacher that used to do the same, only it was more of a hard poke which sometimes really hurt, it used to drive me crazy.

Today many years later, it still buggs me if somebody pokes me in the back.

I wonder if somewhere in your childhood there might be a connection with a similar situation.

Also I think the invading my space issue is a valid one, I myself donot like my space invaded, I am a very private person this makes me feel very uncomfortable.

I think you should just tell her, make a joke of it if it's easier, something like... oh! You made me jump... next time I'm sure she'll think twice before doing it.

Should it still continue then your just going to have to tell her right out... maybe over a coffee, I'm sure she will say that you should have mentioned it before.

Goodluck

trmpldonagn · Feb 16, 2009, 01:32 AM

Do you feel like she is patronizing you??
This could be it but I'm not sure. Just asking. It could be part of it. If yes, the other part could very well be what a few of the others are saying. Space. That would get under my skin if someone did that to me all of the time.

beach_boys · Feb 17, 2009, 03:37 AM

No I guess I feel bad because I really haven't been physical with the members of my own family. So an outsider being physically close hurts me. I actually gave a thought on this and realised that my sibling never hugged me or cuddled me as a kid. Things like shaking hands, hugging, putting arms around, taping, kissing was virtually nill with my sibling. So I don't have the feel for the touch.
I think I have a better picture now..

trmpldonagn · Feb 17, 2009, 04:23 AM

Hey Beach Boys, how's it going? I don't want to get too personal or ask your age and all since you didn't volunteer the information. I wish you were fond of them but I don't know the whole story and you also say non-dysfunctional family. That's always a good thing. You're smart though! You were able to figure out why you were uncomfortable with this girs and it seems you hit the nail on the head. That was pretty good on your part. You never know... as you get older you may become more "physical" with people as you grow. Some people are compassionate but don't know how to show it or express it if that makes any sense. I have faith that you'll be just fine cause you seem pretty smart.

beach_boys · Feb 17, 2009, 04:37 AM

Originally Posted by trmpldonagn

Hey Beach Boys, how's it going? I don't want to get too personal or ask your age and all since you didn't volunteer the information. I wish you were fond of them but I don't know the whole story and you also say non-dysfunctional family. That's always a good thing. You're smart though! You were able to figure out why you were uncomfortable with this girs and it seems you hit the nail on the head. That was pretty good on your part. You never know... as you get older you may become more "physical" with people as you grow. Some people are compassionate but don't know how to show it or express it if that makes any sense. I have faith that you'll be just fine cause you seem pretty smart.

Im 23, haven't yet been in a physical relationship yet. Im not sure how to deal with these things from my future wife or girlfriend.

trmpldonagn · Feb 17, 2009, 05:34 AM

It's almost like taking baby steps so to speak. A little at a time. After getting to know your future girlfriend a little bit, you might at first want to start with something such as just holding her hand if even for a minute. It will depend on your comfort level. People are perceptive and I hope that when you meet that special someone, she will know how to bring you around and not push you. If she's caring, she will understand and she will be patient. Sounds like you might have to gradually reach for that comfort level slowly but you can and will get there. Again, baby steps. I'm not an expert but I know for me personally, that's how it was. Years after my first couple of relationships, I had gone into therapy for something. This one particular issue that you're referring to just sort of came about by itself without my realizing it at first. I gradually became more and more comfortable with, in my case, my family first in particular as far as being physical. Besides my Dad and one of my older brothers, they were the ones who had to get used to my being physical; hugging, a kiss on the cheek and so forth. (My family was not physical. I think I was the one who brought them around except for my Dad and one of my 3 brothers, who were somewhat comfortable already.) And it was gradual. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying you need therapy for this. Not at all. That's your choice. It definitely sounds like you're going to progress just fine and I hope I'm right. You are smart. A caring person may see this discomfort in you and if they don't, you should be able to talk to her about it. Do you feel comfortable enough that you think you would be open with a future girlfriend as you are here? I only ask this because some people are more comfortable in a non face to face situation.

excon · Feb 17, 2009, 06:06 AM

Originally Posted by beach_boys

Im 23, havent yet been in a physical relationship yet. Im not sure how to deal with these things from my future wife or girlfriend.

Hello beach:

It's NOT the girl at work. It's YOU.

I feel bad for you. Hugging is one of the most wonderful things God invented. I'm sorry you didn't get enough hugs when you NEEDED them... But, you can fix it.

I'd get some counseling, if I was you.

excon

Fr_Chuck · Feb 17, 2009, 06:06 AM

Often it has to do with culture, I spoke to a gentleman yesterday and he used a lot of hand motions, and had to touch you on the arm.

If it really bothers you, tell her.