[artlady]

Why hasn't she contacted you? Have you wondered why that is? I assume she has had an opportunity to contact you. Maybe it was a temporary NC for you but it may have been an actual break-up for her.One where the door is closed and not just ajar.

Some people go back and forth again and again.If that's what you want then do it but be prepared to be shot down and have to begin healing again.
Know what the possibilities are for a total rejection.

[SAB123]

I'm not mad. I'm just wondering what makes the exception? they do exist, so how, is my question. And for the people that do make it back, did the dumpee have to wait for their ex to contact them.

Each person and break up is different. On 3 of my 6 breakups with my ex fiancé, and after complete NC she usuallly contacted me 3 months later to get back with me. But like I said each breakup is different and your ex may not want to get back together.

[ka1]

threads merged

As I lay in bed this morning it became obvious to me that I have a long road ahead of me. I don't want to move, but my mind is painting mental pictures and conversations I would like to have with Tina. What will I write in response to her response to my V-day invitation. What will I say when she wants to get back together? The things I will say if I run into her with someone else. None of this is productive of course. But I can't seem to shut the mind up, and off. And so I lay there watching these mental movies play over and over. Yes, my road ahead is long indeed, and I don't have the will to take it.

For the first time, I feel the creep of cynicalness. I've been on more boards than I should and all the stories are the same. The things I'm feeling are not new or unique and have happened to people more than once, more than twice. It's like there's a never ending cycle taking place. Find a love, love leaves you because you're not “the right one”, your heart breaks, and you go through this grief process all to end up going through the cycle again. You find someone who loves you the way the last should have, and then they break-up with you, and you repeat all over again. Is this what I have too look forward too? It isn't supposed to be this way. What happened to finding your love, and that's it, you're together till one of you dies. IS that so hard to ask for? Can't that happen to people? Why can't it happen to me? Why isn't happening to me.

They say examine the relationship, discover the reason for the break-up, but all I come up with is that I did not do anything wrong. And when I say that, I mean it. I did nothing to make this end. I did not do anything wrong, so why is it ending? And if you can do it all right, and still lose out, why even try? All I see on the web are the cyber remains of broken and crushed hearts slew about like bones in a Roman cemetery. If that's what relationships have become today, then why bother?

And I'm tired of the “other fish in the sea” line. I really don't give a about all the other fish in the sea. I found the one that was my fish, and that's the fish I want. And if I don't have it, believe me the life myself and that particular fish (even though she does not know it yet I guess) will be worse off.

The logical error I see so many well meaning people make is the thought that, “no she is just not the one. A better one is coming along,” you have to admit that cannot go forever. At some point the “one” has too arrive, and if its lost then everyone else after is not as well suited. If that is false, then you could look forever, except we don't have forever. At some point we die. And there are a lot of people that do so alone.

These are the thoughts I have this morning. This what sends me into a depression every morning. Not just that the woman I wanted my future to include is now absent from it, but that there is every reason to believe that “if I go find someone else” the cycle will continue again with the new person at some point. Who wants to do that.

[kctiger]

Good. Eventually you wake up from the loser's mentality that you currently have.

When you are ready to get off your a$$ and start making things happen, let me know. Until then, enjoy the pile of poop you are creating for yourself to lay in...

I mean, what are you suppposed to do... just lay down and die?

Carry on... :cool:

[AmExp]

As the saying goes... you can't reinvent the wheel. Interesting insight for sure.

[ka1]

The wheel does not seem to stop any more. Like there is no commitment. I mean how many times does this haveto happen. I mean I read about people that have gone through this 3,4 and 5 times. I mean come on.

[DSMom]

What you need to do is face the world optimistially and stop being so negative. I understand what you see, BTU everyone's story is not the same. If you want something better then this depression you are putting yourself into... go out and create it. Just as you are creating these negative vibes, you can create positive ones for your day as well.

[DJ28]

You only get what you put out into the world, if you think positive and do positive things, positive things will happen. If you always think that something bad is going to happen then well bad things are always going to happen to you.

[ka1]

you only get what you put out into the world, if you think positive and do positive things, positive things will happen. if you always think that something bad is going to happen then well bad things are always going to happen to you.

I hear you, but you realize I did do that with my relationship right? I was positive, and look where I’m at. And then, I hear on the board, and elsewhere that most relationships don’t work out, so I have to be ready top go through this again. And of course forget about the woman I’ve loved for the last 7yrs, because it was obviously not meant to be from the start, or we would be together. Makes you wonder why were together that long, or why she accepted my proposal without a single hiccup. Jesus, just thinking about that moment kills me. The point is I’m sorry if I sound negative, but given what I said wrote, can you blame me?

[DJ28]

See you kind of did it there being negative, don't think that every relationship is going to be messed up go into it being positive, that is the best thing that has ever happened to you. If you go and read all these negetive things and go into a relationship thinking something bad is going to happen, well something bad will happen. Because you will never be happy because the whole time you will just be waiting for something bad to happen.

[kctiger]

Dude, I know how you feel, and it sucks. I truly believe, with every ounce of me, you are an awesome guy, and you will find happiness with another person. Right now, you are just jaded, and hurt, and confused. Those feelings will pass, and you will get what you deserve, and it WILL WORK! All the happiness you want in life is only an arms length away... it just takes a lot more work to get it, that's all.

[Justwantfair]

Heart break teaches us a lesson, we don't see it while our eyes are clouded with the hurt, anger, resentment and disappointment of the break up.

But the lesson that you learn is what exactly you are looking for, who you want to spend the rest of your life with. It will teach you to look for things that suit you before you are so involved. Being single is a wonderful thing, if you let it be. You learn about you, you learn who you are, so that you are not compromised to be someone else when you are with someone.

Yes, most all of us have been through the experience and we all wake up to brighter days, you will get there too. We have all been where you are and know the pain and hurt that clouds your judgement.

But everything DOES happen for a reason, even if we don't know the reason.

[ka1]

Thread merged

I just got out of a counseling session, and if anything, it made me angrier. In the session the counselor spent most of the session talking about how I was not validating ny ex's feelings. That even if I matched her list of things she wanted and needed, that if all things that Tina saw and heard from her family don't matter, that I should still validate how she feels.

In essence I'm to accept and validate her feelings on anything whether they are correct or not. I can't do that. I've never been able to do that with anyone. Just because you feel something does not make it true. Isn't that what everyone keeps telling me? Just because I feel I'm the best person for Tina, that does not mean I'm right, right? Maybe I'm not the best for her, maybe her soul mate is someone else and we've just been clocking time, loitering around with each other for seven years.

If my ex says that our relationship has been a roller coaster, and we've had all these bad times, and I say “like what”, and she can't come up with a bunch of things that outnumber the good, and regular every day things, I'm still supposed to just accept that, that reality is true? I mean if that's true, then why can't she accept my reality, and validate my feelings that we should be together?

Some how when I put it in reverse everyone knows how silly it sounds.

But maybe that is the problem. She had a list, and I match it, she felt like I was the one, and now she does not, so I should (assuming we were talking or did talk) validate that feeling, say, “yeah I have what you said you wanted, but I totally understand you not wanting to be with me. Sounds like a brilliant thought. In fact, I'm not the one, go look for someone else. And by the way I totally get that you still want to be friends and have me in your life even though I want you for my wife. Makes sense to me completely.”

That's what I'm supposed to do with her or anyone else? Well, then I do give up, cause I'm not going to do that. There are people who believe and feel the world is flat, does not change that it is not. There are people that feel a woman can't be a President, or doctor, or business executive, all obviously wrong. People can feel all sorts of things.

I cannot validate something that does not make sense or is untrue. If we just disagree, that's one thing. I will listen to your (or in my ex's case) point of view, and respect even if I don't agree. But it has to be true, not objectively false.

The larger point here is that, feelings can come and go with the wind. Last year Tina wanted to get married, now she does not. Which feeling is right? Don't know, because they can change. But you look at all the other things that matter and realize that if they are there, and the feelings were there before, then they will be again, if you stick around.

If my ex did stick around, and held on to us, then the thoughts and feelings that lead her to say yes would be rediscovered. They are in her, but she is just running away. And if I've pushed her away because I refuse to say we do not belong together, then I guess getting validated is more important to her then that vaunted list of hers, or the values we share.

[UnluckyDucky]

ka1, the problem is you're thinking like a guy. You have to understand that (I'm probably going to get slaughtered for saying this lol) women typically don't think the same way as men do. Many women tend to make decisions based on feelings rather than facts or logic.

That you cannot argue what someone is feeling. It just doesn't work! Ever wonder why your buddy tells you about how his wife comes home, starts to vent and talk about how bad her day went and how bad she was feeling can turn out into an all-out yell fest? Its because he doesn't take the time to validate how she's feeling - but instead tries to give her suggestions to "fix" whatever is making her feel that way. She just wants to deepen the emotional bond with you understanding how she's feeling.

Trust me, the sooner you accept this truth the better you'll be able to be suited in handling these types of situations and it can improve any future relationships you have.

[ka1]

I get your point more than you think, considering I majored in speech communication--no jokes please. But how am I suppossesd to bond with the sentence I feel I need space, or I know you have everything I want, but I need space, etc

[UnluckyDucky]

No joking intended in that manner, trust me.

In the case of "I need space/time/notsurewhatiwant", you can't really bond, only accept it as fact and move on. I've noticed whenever that line is brought out, they have been dwelling on it for quite some time now and most likely have already made a decision. You can confirm that with several sources here. Sure it sucks to high heaven, but we can't change their mind. We have to just give them space and get on with our lives.

She ultimately has to rediscover those feelings on her own. Time can sometimes do this... time apart can make a person realize how much they mean to them.

Honestly, you may already know all this - I'm not debating that. But I'll be the first to admit that I often have a hard time accepting what I already know because my head is clouded with emotions.

[ka1]

Well, I give up. I tried to workout today, and instead I just broke down in the middle of the workout. I don't know what to say to explain what I feel right now, but I just feel... deflated, over cooked, and I just give up. Thank you all for your words, and trying to help me. I can't accept it and I can't deal with it. And I don't know where that leaves me.

[UnluckyDucky]

It sounds like you're having a down day but don't give up! Don't be afraid to allow yourself to feel and grieve, its all part of the process. We're all human after all.. well most of us :)

Many of us here have gone through similar feelings you are going through. I know what its like to feel so mentally overloaded to the point where you just don't know what to feel anymore and that feeling totally sucks.

Keep posting and venting though OK? I've found through these most troubling times knowing that I wasn't alone and the fact that someone was out there listening helped me profoundly.

[Fr_Chuck]

First nothing is solved in just a few counseling meetings.

But you don't have to accept their feelings as real to you, but you have to understand, that to THEM, these feelings are important and valid. Thus part of the issue, if you are not accepting those things are important to them, but feel they are not even valid or real or important, you can't even start to work or compromise

[DSM521]

Wow, this is one of the hardest things to go through. I know exactly what you mean. It's the old break up line "its not you its me". What the heck is that supposed to mean. I think it would be much more simple if she would Just say "I don't love you any more and I need to walk away". At leased then you would have a clean break.

This situation just drives you insane. I can feel you pain, I have been there before. And on a second note what is up with crappy counseling. Me and my wife have been going for a while. I found out my wife was looking up her ex-boyfriend, having fantasies about him, letting flirting with other guys go on way to far. All the stupid counselor was hung up on was that I was a jealous man. The final event that sent us to counseling was one night after work she was suppose to get a sandwich and be home. Well after many text, and calls at 3:30am Ii went to look for her and a guy brought her back to her car. To make it even worse I ched her phone and there were text back and forth from them that night like you know I want you right. She said it was her friend that sent them. Well at one pint I looked at the counselor and said "I am not dwelling in the past, I am concerned about the stuff that is happening now, would you be jealous if your husband did not show up till 4:30 in the mourning, and sexual text from him to the woman that gave him ride back to his car" She just looked at me like I hate you.

Hang in there, it is hard now but life is worth putting up with the hard times. It's a slow process but you will feel better in time.