[chivita40]

We have done counseling, we've talked and yet the song remains the same after a couple of weeks. I feel like a roommate 75% of the times. The loneliness and lack of affection is making me crazy. I start to wonder, is it me, is it them or is there someone else?

:confused:

[Jake2008]

How long have you been married?

How long did you attend counselling together. It's always good news when BOTH parties at least try.

Change takes time. For some, it is too late by the time counselling starts, to undo the damage already done. But for many, it will take more than a few weeks, and a LOT of hard, honest work to reach goals.

Do you think counselling has had any benefit at all- so far?

[chivita40]

We did counseling a little more than a year. We stopped about 3 months ago we were suppose to be ready? It was great but it seems we're back where we started. Only we now talk calmly about how we feel, but nothing really gets resolved... Marriage isn't suppose to be like this is it? Been together 12 years, it's my first their 3rd.

[kinsi]

What your haert tell u

[simoneaugie]

Does you partner know how you feel (lonely?) He can't read your mind although that would be nice. If you are no longer going to counselling, want to work it out, you should go back. A different counselor may be able to help you two better.

If more conselling is not an option, talk to your partner. There are probably some things that have not been communicated. It sounds as if you feel taken for granted. Tell him that, with kindness.

[proudpole48]

Some guys just aren't very affectionate I hate to admit it but I do fit that category as well.
I like when my wife tells me what's wrong and what she's thinking and I try to see how I can help her. Just a thought but I'm sure you've already tried that already.
Just good luck with what you decide to do and take care of yourself first

[Jake2008]

That's a good point proudpole, my husband is the same way.

What seems obvious, sometimes needs to be pointed out. If he isn't willing to talk, figuring he's in trouble, I'll send him an email, write a note.

You have to find a way to get yourself heard, otherwise, the only one you are arguing with is yourself.

[chivita40]

Yes this is true for most, except I am the non-talker in our relationship. I like calm communication and we do talk… we are good friends before and after we married and voicing our concerns is something therapy taught us. Yet the connection as lovers seems to have faded. That spark, intimate connection or even want seems to have faded. There was infidelity about three years ago on their part which made our relationship different or well awkward to say the least. So I wonder if we can ever get past it or did that well kill our marriage.

[Jake2008]

Chivita, when you say, "There was infidelity about three years ago on their part ", you mean him, right? Not him and the therapist I hope.

I do know what you mean. When issues are addressed and worked through in counselling, there is a mutual level of understanding to some extent. Questions are answered, consequences addressed.

But, that being said, it is no guarantee that working through that, will leave the results at a level that you can either live with it, or put it behind you. It does not erase events; if anything it puts a clearer understanding on how it errodes a relationship, and gives you more perspective.

I think sometimes that is where couples go astray. If an event happened three years ago, an affair or fling, the relationship has already changed in many areas, during the time after the affair. Sometimes no matter how hard you try to save a relationship, or how much you understand and accept what's happened that has changed it, there is not enough left to keep it together. Addressed sooner, maybe there would be more success for couples.

People change and mature. What would have been possible under the same circumstances to recover and go on to a loving relationship, during the first few years, just may not be possible after six years, or 10 years or 25 years.

Ahhh, for a magic ball that could predict our relationships into the future. :)