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endofmyrope · Feb 10, 2009, 05:41 AM

My boyfriend and I have been together for year have a good sex life. However, his sexual needs are now far greater than mine and we are both unhappy with the situation. I do everything I can for him to 'satisfy' him yet often he doesn't want sex either but is unable to get rid of his own hard on. Prior to our relationship he was able to masturbate but now cant.

The situation has gotten so bad we have both been in tears because I was not up for sex and he couldn't masturbate.

The amount of pain he is in, and the frequency of this problem, his guilt, and the effect it is having on our relationship is very distressing for both of us.

I cannot seem to come up with a solution so I was wondering if anyone recognizes this problem, or has advice. I'm not even sure what I am asking for, I just don't know what to do to who to talk to.

I have not yet found anyone in a similar situation. There seems to be no answer but we don't want our relationship destroyed by this.

Please help!

excon · Feb 10, 2009, 05:45 AM

Hello end:

I've never heard of anyone who couldn't wack off. THAT seems to be the problem - not that you have different needs.

Maybe you could try wacking him off.

excon

smoothy · Feb 10, 2009, 05:55 AM

He is betting childish... Unless he wasn't born with at least one arm then hand he is fully capable of taking care of himself. Don't fall for the Bullcrap story he is trying to feed you. And before he even tries... no man (or child in his case) in the history of mankind has ever been injured or died from blueballs.

That "Pain" it's a total lie and you fell for it. Flat out tell him you aren't that stupid... march his but into the bathroom and use his hand... He's either the worlds biggest liar... (claiming he can't masturbate") or the biggest loser in history that doesn't know how (he does... he's telling a lie)

Jeeze... dump his sorry butt and find someone more mature... and at least a beter liar.

endofmyrope · Feb 10, 2009, 07:00 AM

We are both very open and honest and this is a real problem. Please do not assume I am just a gullible idiot, its not even an issue. I find it quite offensive that you assume he would be lying straight away.

We have tried many different solutions but simply doing nothing and ending up with 'blueballs' makes both of us miserable anyway.

PLEASE NOTE: For future answers please take this for a very real relationship problem or do not bother answering.

excon · Feb 10, 2009, 07:05 AM

Hello again, end:

Oh, WE believe it's a problem - just not the problem YOU think it is.

You say you have tried MANY different solutions... What are they? Exactly WHY can't he shoot his load?

excon

endofmyrope · Feb 10, 2009, 07:05 AM

excon - I haven't heard of anything like this either which makes it all the worse. He is so embarrassed and feels so guilty for having this problem that he has promised not to bother me or say anything simply to make my life easier. He is scared of losing me over this, but like me is at a loss over what to do :-(

. But knowing that he is suffering quietly does not make it all go away and he really is not the type of man to complain about anything unless it is serious.

He says that when he tries to come, even when he is desperate for release it just doesn't feel nice or doesn't feel much of anything at all. He is very depressed and constantly apologises for all of this. Please keep in mind that when I am up for it out sex life is very satisfying for both of us and he is a very considerate lover.

We have tried everything from me doing everything for him, to me doing nothing for a while, to me doing voice recordings or being in the room while he masturbates, me playing with myseld while he watches. He can come if he masturbates for AGES with me. I have even watched porn with him but he just can't seem to come without me helping.

smoothy · Feb 10, 2009, 07:14 AM

Listen... I am a man... ANY man that has at least one functioning hand and isn't suffering ED can masturbate. If you can get him off he is perfectly capable of getting off himself. Plain and simple... you never said he is incapible of getting off in any manner.

His only suffering is that his sperm receptacle of choice isn't jumping at his every beacon call.

THis guy is lying through his teeth... and you fell for it. And yeah... Like I said, I'm a guy... I've heard so many stories over the years louts have suckered women into believing its staggering.

And yes some guys can get really childish about it. While a woman is prefferible to a hand... if it works with one, it will work with the other.

endofmyrope · Feb 10, 2009, 07:22 AM

OK smoothy. Lets just consider for a moment that he isn't lying? What man is going to admit that he can't jerk himself off? Perhaps this is why it is not so well known. Anyway why would he lie and then encourage me to not feel guilty and to just do what I feel comfortable with?

Forget it, you obviously can't offer me any help. But thanks for trying to understand anyway...

smoothy · Feb 10, 2009, 07:29 AM

Originally Posted by endofmyrope

OK smoothy. Lets just consider for a moment that he isn't lying? What man is going to admit that he can't jerk himself off?? Perhaps this is why it is not so well known. Anyways why would he lie and then encourage me to not feel guilty and to just do what i feel comfortable with??

Forget it, you obviously can't offer me any help. But thanks for trying to understand anyways...

Well, its clear you are such an expert at what makes men work or not that you have it all figured out... If that's the case why are you hear arguing about it here then. Sorry if I have to be so brash about it but YOU basiclly said I as a man don't know anything about men... or women for that matter.

The man is lying... plain and simple... He does not WANT to masturbate... and he's being childish about it. If you preffer to believe his made up story that's your prerogative. But don't go around bashing others because they don't agree with you.

Want to know why he says what he does... ever hear of a thing called manipulation... some men just like a lot of women will say or do anything to get what they want... and some are quite skilled at manipulating others by saying exactly what they want to hear. And I can see this in what you have said...

What do I have to gain by BS'ing you?. Nothing...

What does he have to gain by BS'ing you? THink about it.

endofmyrope · Feb 10, 2009, 07:42 AM

Ok well thanks for your advice. I want trying to say you were bullting, and I understand your point.

I live with my boyfriend and we are very close and I cannot believe he is lying. I have too much evidence that says otherwise. When this all started I considered he was lying but please believe that after everything we have been through there is no question in my mind. He is deeply depressed and humiliated and although it would be easy to just say 'he is a guy he must be lying to get sex' you just cannot fake some human emotions regardless of gender.

I am just out of options so I am sorry if I have been harsh in my responses. I am just desperate for help and it feels (even if its not intended) insulting for a stranger to claim they know my partner better than I do.

So sorry and my sincerest thanks for your help but I will continue to seek advice on this and I will continue to support him as I am confident enough in our relationship to trust him completely. I might look foolish to you but walking away from the man I love and trust is not an option.

Once again I'm sorry if my words have offended you, but you must at least understand the need to automatically defend someone you love.

Hope there are no hard feelings :-)

smoothy · Feb 10, 2009, 08:02 AM

Oh, I believe that you believe what he has told you. But seriously... take a step back, look at this through the eyes of others.

You have a guy that's obessessed with having sex far more often than you want or can deal with, you are both very young.

Originally Posted by endofmyrope

My boyfriend and I have been together for year have a good sex life. However, his sexual needs are now far greater than mine and we are both unhappy with the situation. I do everything I can for him to 'satisfy' him yet often he doesnt want sex either but is unable to get rid of his own hard on. Prior to our relationship he was able to masturbate but now cant.

read this part again of your original post... its not that he can't masturbate... its that he doesn't want to. So what does he do... lay a guilt trip on you, like its somehow your fault and your responsibility. And he's done a pretty good job at it too. I'm 47... and believe me I've seen too many guys do this my entire life... and I have done it myself in my youth. So while it might be new to you, its nothing I haven't seen before and hasn't been happening since mankind developed the gift of speech.

A kid does this.. he tries to make you feel guilty to have his way, he isn't the first, and certainly won't be the last... but a mature adult deals with it or works towards making you feel that you want it more often by making the environment conducive towards you, not by pressuring you.

You don't give your ages, but I'm willing to take a guess that you are both younger than 25. Maybe closer to 20 based on the fact he hasn't learned to deal with his hormones yet. A man does not HAVE to have sex every time the urge strikes, (I'd be having it more than a dozen times a day if I did), and he tempers his behaviour to suit. A boy thinks he does have to have it every urge , and behaves thus like he has no impulse control.. just like a 3 year old having a tantrum if he doesn't get his toy or candy bar when he wants it. That's just an alalogy... but spend time around young kids and you will see a parallel.

Just because you can get an erection several times a day doesn't mean you have to get off in some manner several times a day. Like I said I'm 47, and yeah I could if I wanted several times a day. But do that several times a day and it becomes harder to reach orgasm each successive time that day.

If he uses a little self control for once and holds himself to once a day I bet his "Problem" goes away.

Again you don't specify numbers here... is it that you are up for say, once a day, but he wants 3 -4 times a day? If that's the case then that's his problem. Sex can easily become an obsession for a guy up until the early 20's assuming a partner fascilitating it in some manner. Again that's something most people learn to control. Quality over quantity thing... If once is good then 5 times is 5 X better? That's Not the case here... there are dininishing rewards as the daily numbers increase.

Justwantfair · Feb 10, 2009, 08:13 AM

The problem your boyfriend is having is called delayed ejaculation. Please read the enclosed website for some further information.

MedlinePlus Medical Encyclopedia: Delayed ejaculation

endofmyrope · Feb 10, 2009, 08:17 AM

I think you may need to reread my posts. I specifically mentioned that he assures me its not my fault and does what he can to minimise the impact on me. We are young but not all young people are naïve. I can stand up for myself. If I had that issue I wouldn't even be seeking answers... I would be too busy blaming myself. When I said I do everything I can to 'satisfy' him I simply meant that I did my best to help him without demeaning myself. I didn't explain that very clearly sorry.

ISneezeFunny · Feb 10, 2009, 08:18 AM

I'm reading this over and over again... and it says that he can't masturbate. There is no known medical condition that ends with a man not being to masturbate when he is erect.

As far as ejaculation, that's a different story. Not being able to ejaculate is called anejaculation...

Anejaculation - when a man cannot ejaculate

However, if you're saying that this guy isn't even willing to try to masturbate, I'm iffy about it.

endofmyrope · Feb 10, 2009, 08:21 AM

Thanks for the link Justwantfair - sounds like something to look into. It seems like we will just have to see a sex therapist to get this sorted...

Justwantfair · Feb 10, 2009, 08:22 AM

I think the biggest positive is that he is being honest and upfront with you, when I know that is the most difficult part.

Keep supporting him, it will mean the world to his recovery.

Good luck to you and God bless.

endofmyrope · Feb 10, 2009, 08:27 AM

Situational anejaculation sounds the most like it - but this site says its in unfamiliar situations like a clinic? Will keep it in mind.

Just to make it clear for all. He can ejaculate through sex and oral sex and hand jobs but has more erections than I can help him with (while keeping myself sane). Seems to have an abnormal amount of erections often unwanted and painful which disturb his sleep, his work and his time with me. He is unable to ejaculate from masturbation even when erect (it just ends up more painful and frustrated). I know... its f***ed up but its for real.

Once again, thanks for any help you can offer.

endofmyrope · Feb 10, 2009, 08:29 AM

Oh and yes he has definitely tried masturbation. As you can imagine it is very humiliating for a man to not be able to do this, and he feels like a failure :-(

Thanks Justwanfair :-)

ISneezeFunny · Feb 10, 2009, 08:32 AM

OHHH now I know what you mean.

He may be suffering from a variation of priapism... in which a man has a constant erection. Granted, full blown priapism is when a man gets an erection for more than 4 hours, your boyfriend seems to be having them from time to time.

You can read about it here

Priapism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Justwantfair · Feb 10, 2009, 08:35 AM

I think no matter what although he is embarrassed, he NEEDS to visit his doctor soon.