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wolfgangqpublic · Feb 2, 2009, 06:04 PM

Originally Posted by ImTotallyLost

Get someone very close (in the family or something) and let him be someone with whom you can talk about this. Preferably someone that is close enough. It helps a lot to just talk about it sometimes. I am using my roommate. Poor guy. But he understands. He keeps avoiding me when I am with that face, but deep down, he knows how important it is for me to be able to vent.

Do you have any female friends that you're close with, but don't have a romantic interest in? Maybe a close friend's girlfriend who you have started your own friendship with? A longtime friend or classmate that you trust and is the empathetic type? I have found that they are often MORE than willing to be a sounding board for you. Just be prepared to return the favour if and when they need it!

jmw0713 · Feb 2, 2009, 06:49 PM

It's always good to have both guys and girls to talk to about these things. Each offer different views on the situation.

zeeniee · Feb 2, 2009, 08:10 PM

Yep, I totally agree with all you from above. It is always good to talk to both sexes on this matter as the advice and support they give will be very different and ultimately this will allow you to broaden your horizons and let you think outside that box, and hopefully you make better discussions for yourself.

I too now have stopped talking about the EX to my family and daily friends- as well- you can only talk so much about the EX—and the whole EX thing can be such a bore! However, I am lucky as now I talk about the EX to four people only (aside from this site), 2 of my best female friends- both live out of Singapore and 2 really nice males. The advice and input I get is really useful and these 4 people are now like my good solid ROCK! The important thing is to choose someone that can relate to you on your level emotionally and mentally- ie: on the same page as you...

I think this is a good way forward, as it allows you to 'dettach' from the EX during your daily day – and when you need time to sort something that is bothering you, worrying or upsetting you- then you can place aside time to deal with it—much more effective way of healing, I think.

Thank god I found this site- is what I say!

LoveStoned · Feb 2, 2009, 08:47 PM

Empty Cans... Please listen to the others advising you to go NC. I kept giving my ex the benefit of doubt and it turned out to still be nothing positive about getting back. Don't reply to "I miss you" or "I've been thinking" blah blah... Now I just feel used. Don't allow yourself to be played for comfort.

Empty Cans · Feb 2, 2009, 09:01 PM

Yeah I have a very good girl friend who has been helping me out a lot of the past few months. In spite of this hiccup, I am actually doing really well and have been making a lot of progress. I guess yesterday just reminded me how much that pain can hurt and that I do still have a long way to go.

Basically I just think that the less people that know I snooped into her Facebook account the better... so I don't really want to get into that part of it with my friends.

Its not like I don't expect my ex to start seeing people... of course she is going to... shes a really attractive girl... but I guess it just hurts to know it, especially when those feelings of mine are obviously still there. And now that its almost been 5 months I couldn't even really just pass it off as a rebound.

But good luck to her I guess...

I'm not putting my life on hold or anything for her... and not expecting anything in the future either. But this break up did come at a good time for both of us... we both need to live our lives apart for a few years, and yeah, who knows, maybe something will come of us again. But now was definitely not the right time for us... and there probably won't ever be a right time for us again...

It just sucks that it got messy between us towards the end (in terms of trying to be friends)... it was just so much easier for her to remain friends than it was for me. But in time it will be OK...

The thing is... I know all this... and I keep giving myself a reality check about all this... but it still goddamn hurts a whole lot.

jmw0713 · Feb 2, 2009, 09:03 PM

Yes, it will hurt for a while. Just tough it out. It will get better in time.

zeeniee · Feb 3, 2009, 07:44 AM

Empty cans,

The pain is always there- SUCKS and SUCKS-- but with time I hope you will find that you will be able to cope, deal, control the pain --eventually the pain will become manageble bit by bit. Keep going forward, you will get to this point.

dr rocket · Feb 3, 2009, 09:31 AM

If you absolutely need to email her, wish her good luck but do not offer the suggestion of future contact. And do not contact her again.

If she contacts you asking after you, keep it brief - just say you are fine.

It's a given that she would almost expect that given she has already strung you along for so long you still want her back.

This creates some doubt because you are not offering her another chance.

Not only will she probably wonder about why the change of heart but also wonder whether she made the right decision.

At the end of the day, whether she comes back, you will have walked away with your dignity and she will respect you more for it. More importantly, you will respect yourself more.

LoveStoned · Feb 3, 2009, 11:01 AM

Originally Posted by dr rocket

If you absolutely need to email her, wish her good luck but do not offer the suggestion of future contact. And do not contact her again.

If she contacts you asking after you, keep it brief - just say you are fine.

Its a given that she would almost expect that given she has already strung you along for so long you still want her back.

This creates some doubt because you are not offering her another chance.

Not only will she probably wonder about why the change of heart but also wonder whether she made the right decision.

At the end of the day, whether or not she comes back, you will have walked away with your dignity and she will respect you more for it. More importantly, you will respect yourself more.

I feel as though I let my ex get the best of me during the 5 months that I spent waiting to hear an answer from him. And giving in to his attempts to reach me out of missed times. But at least just like you said I'm walking away with some dignity and never turning back. I wrote him a week ago saying not to try to reach me because I wouldn't be there anymore. But the thing is I really do mean it this time around. I feel so used and mistreated after so many years together:(

dr rocket · Feb 4, 2009, 06:37 AM

Sounds like the feelings are very strong still. That's another reason to let things die down. While you are wrapped up in emotions, angry words get exchanged.

As it stands, whether there's someone else on the scene, it will probably not work out if she is still contacting you for whatever reason.

Don't be a prop - that way you can't feel used or mistreated.

I know its tough. I have had to cut off my ex for similar reasons and he can call all he wants. I just don't take the bait anymore.

There's a better life for you out there if you want it badly enough.

To get it, work on improving yourself esteem, self love and learning more about people and how to recognise the signs of invalidation and abuse plus coping mechanisms. You can't change anyone else but you but you can improve yourself and decide who you allow into your life. Remember no one can hurt you without your consent and love is a choice.

Be happy not disheartened at this minor set back. A good friend of mine once said to me 'some people are only in your life for a season but every person leaves an impression. What you choose to do with that is what shapes you'

Empty Cans · Feb 4, 2009, 06:08 PM

Ok so I'm dealing with a few urges to email her and say hi... but instead I'm just going to write it here... as stupid that may seem.
---------------------
Hey X,

Was just wondering how you are doing?. its still a bit strange not being in contact with you anymore.

Things with me are good, I'm enjoying it down here and work is really busy which is good. Yesterday I went for a flight with Brett on the Red Bull plane... so much fun! I'm back up home in a few weeks for Leon's wedding... will be good to have all the family together for the first time in years.

Did you and your mum end up moving out? Any more news on the job front? Still thinking of moving over to Melbourne?

Anyway... would be nice to hear from you.

R
-----------------------

Well that's that out the way :-p

So yeah... I have this desire to know what she is up to... I'm sure its normal, I'm just still getting used to not being part of her life anymore, and me not being a part of hers.

I'm basically in a bit of a relapse frame right now... thinking about her a lot more at the moment than I have been. I can't actually even really imagine being over her... it just seems like such a pipe dream right now... incomprehensible almost.

The thing is though, I actually have no idea when we will even be living in the same city again... or even where that will be. It probably won't be within the next 18-24 months though anyway, so I don't even know why I am holding on to these feelings for her when I know it makes no sense.

jmw0713 · Feb 4, 2009, 06:40 PM

These feeling will come and they will pass as long as you don't act on them and break NC. Give it time, you will be feeling better.

It's good that you posted that letter here rather than sending it to her.

Now that I know things about your personal life... what could I blackmail you for... hmmmm... LOL! :D

ImTotallyLost · Feb 4, 2009, 09:31 PM

Hey EC, read what I'm writing and think about it. Again, we're in a similar situation - there are a couple of differences but... this thoughts have been very helpful to me.

Originally Posted by Empty Cans

I'm basically in a bit of a relapse frame right now... thinking about her a lot more at the moment than I have been. I can't actually even really imagine being over her...

You've been apart long enough, I think, for you to be able to control these thoughts. But you should try. It is hard. And it is godamn awful when you are down (like when you ask someone out and it doesn't go as you wanted to, or your day at work was bad). But you are in control right now. Give it a try.

It just seems like such a pipe dream right now... incomprehensible almost.

It feels like a dream. God knows how I want to wake up in mid-August of last year every single day. But when you wake up you are still single and feelling like crap. Don't treat this like a dream, OK? It is not. This is real life. It happened. It is over. Forget her. FORGET HER. SHE'S NOT COMING BACK. Specially if you keep wanting this to happen. Have you ever heard that women want you when you don't want them?

The thing is though, I actually have no idea when we will even be living in the same city again... or even where that will be. It probably won't be within the next 18-24 months though anyway, so I don't even know why I am holding on to these feelings for her when I know it makes no sense.

Does it matter? So what if she moves to the same city as you? Do you really think she'll move down or you'll move up and you guys will be like "Hey I still love you" and "Oh, me too, let's get married have kids and grow old together"!

If anything it will be either "Hey I still love you" and she'll be "Look, it was a long time ago and a lot of things happened". Or she'll say "Hey, do think you'd take me back?" and you will answer "Look, you had your chance but I don't see you in the same way anymore".

That is real life. Not movie crap. There is a 1 in 1000000 chance of you (and I think I should say we, because it applies to me to) of getting back together. It takes you REALLY forgiving her and not feeling she owes you because she hurt you. It will take she WANTING you back and not because she's feeling lonely and desperate (which is a case I've heard about from a friend... ). Both things. At the same time. Seriously, think about it. It can happen. You can also win the lottery. Would you rely on winning the lottery? No, you work. Same thing here. You shouldn't rely on her coming back. Live your life. Do not be like Julia Roberts in "My best friend's wedding".

I know how you feel because the bridges weren't burned... There's always that feeling that you should cross it in a white horse, or that you should keep watching in case she comes crossing. But that won't happen.

Of course, you can do like me and burn the bridges, hehe. I was really rude last time we spoke (last Wednesday... ), so I don't think she wants to be my friend anymore. Maybe I'll call in 4 years. When I invite her for my graduation. By then I should be really over her, LOL!

Empty Cans · Feb 4, 2009, 10:13 PM

Hey ITL, thanks for the post... it definitely gives me a few things to think about.

Originally Posted by ImTotallyLost

You've been apart long enough, I think, for you to be able to control these thoughts. But you should try. It is hard. And it is godamn awful when you are down (like when you ask someone out and it doesn't go as you wanted to, or your day at work was bad). But you are in control right now. Give it a try.

I am trying to control these thoughts... I'm not acting on them, and I'm just telling myself to let it go. I guess maybe a part of it is that its summer time down here, and a long weekend too, and all my friends back home will be doing a trip, and I just think about how different things could have been... its silly, but it just enters my mind. Also other things too... I often think about what we were doing 1 or 2 years ago... like 2 years ago today we had just arrived in Mexico for a holiday... but yeah, I do need to try and better control these thoughts.

Originally Posted by ImTotallyLost

It feels like a dream. God knows how I want to wake up in mid-August of last year every single day. But when you wake up you are still single and feelling like crap. Don't treat this like a dream, OK? It is not. This is real life. It happened. It is over. Forget her. FORGET HER. SHE'S NOT COMING BACK. Specially if you keep wanting this to happen. Have you ever heard that women want you when you don't want them?

I more meant that the concept of getting over her is a distant dream... its going to be hard, but I know it will happen but I just need to keep working on it and let time do its thing. I know what you mean though... I do catch myself thinking "is this actually happening?...it wasn't meant to be like this" but then I realise it is happening, and it is like this, and I try and remind myself that its ultimately a good thing.

Originally Posted by ImTotallyLost

Does it matter? So what if she moves to the same city as you? Do you really think she'll move down or you'll move up and you guys will be like "Hey I still love you" and "Oh, me too, let's get married have kids and grow old together"!

If anything it will be either "Hey I still love you" and she'll be "Look, it was a long time ago and a lot of things happened". Or she'll say "Hey, do think you'd take me back?" and you will answer "Look, you had your chance but I don't see you in the same way anymore".

No it doesn't really matter... in fact by the time we ever are living in the same city again I am sure it will matter very little, if at all. I know she's not moving down here, and that I'm not moving back up there, and even if I did it wouldn't fix anything.

All I'm trying to say is that until we ever are living in the same city, there is no point in me letting it bother me. Its all out of my hands now. I don't know if you can put a figure on a chance of getting back. Once upon a time I would have said we had an 80% chance of getting back together one day... now I just know its not very likely at all... and its not something I'm hanging on to either. I am not waiting around for her... but I would be open to something in the future if the circumstances were right. Although things got a bit messy, nothing ever happened that would be insurmountable. Yeah it hurt me that she started seeing a couple of guys, but she didn't do anything wrong. I'm pretty sure I hurt her more by moving away.

But I do know that if anything ever was happen again, I first need to have completely moved on... and you are right, by that stage I probably would say: "Look, you had your chance but I don't see you in the same way anymore".

But I honestly I am not relying on her coming back, simply because of the fact that a) its most likely not going to happen and b) even if it did, it would be at least 2-3 years away... and I'm not going to sit on my hands for that long while she goes out and has a great time.

I guess all I am saying is that I look forward to the day when I can look myself in the mirror and know that I have fully moved on... and any thoughts of us ever being back together again will either have fully gone, or I'll just think to myself "you know what, maybe that would be nice, but either way I don't really mind". But while I'm looking forward to it, right now it just seems so far away.

talaniman · Feb 5, 2009, 08:10 AM

You WILL get there though!!

ardahk · Feb 5, 2009, 09:00 AM

She has been prolonging telling you for months now, read my post and see what I ended up with.

Just go no contact ASAP it is the only way - I know you aren't bitter and you still regard her as your best friend but does she really deserve an explanation?

Read my post, you will see that only bad things can come from hanging around and staying there for her.

You may just be enlightened - don't let it go to the point where you get so hurt that you turn to anger and then you lose that nice feeling of friendship or whatever it is you guys actually have.

With me and my ex sounds similar to this - anything you do except NOTHING will have an adverse affect, you cannot change the way she feels, she acts or how she talks to you.

I heard the I love yous and I continue - I got what I deserved and am learning the hard way

1 week NO CONTACT - it empowers you

Just see how it feels

Irishgirl · Feb 5, 2009, 09:08 AM

Stop thinking about the good times,I bet the bad outweighed the good. Look at the time you have now with family and friends as a time to get to know people better,spend more time with them and just think you never know what's around the corner,the women of your dreams could be at that party tonight or the get together tomorrow. What's for you won't pass you by

Romefalls19 · Feb 5, 2009, 09:23 AM

Make a pros and cons list, I mean a REAL one. Not one you loving side makes, make one of the little things she did to tick you off, like bite her toe nails, not let you go do stuff, made you lose friends and every time you miss you, read that. It will set you up for a great NC battle

ImTotallyLost · Feb 5, 2009, 10:13 AM

Haha. It might help in many cases - I also received this suggestion of making a list from a friend. But with me it backfired terribly! I felt even worse after doing this pros and cons thing. When I try to think on these terms I always end up with a "I loved what we had. Why did she have to ruin it?"

Empty Cans · Feb 9, 2009, 03:11 PM

Well I seem to be doing better this week. Of course she is still on my mind... but not as painfully. Today marks 4 weeks of NC... its gone quickly and has felt good, hopefully for the next 4 weeks, and the 4 weeks after that, it will get even better everyday.

One thing I have realised recently, is that when we broke up for the first time, when we had been together for about 5 months, how differently I reacted back then.

I didn't realise it at the time, but I acted in a way which caused her to come back to me. She sat me down and gave the "we need to talk" line... and carried on to break up with me. It didn't really come out of the blue, but I was devastated all the same.

But... I didn't try and convince that she was making a mistake, I didn't barrage her with phone calls, when I saw her at university I kind of just stayed polite to her... I just accepted her decision and tried to move on with it all.

And then, lo-and-behold, she started pursuing me and wanting me back... and we did get back together and had an extremely happy further 18 months together. I guess I didn't realise it at the time, but it was those actions that caused her to come back to me. It was me not trying to win her back, but me letting her come back to me, and me deciding that we should get back together. Just an interesting thought. Circumstances were different this time around, but I have regrets over how it was all handled this time around. But you live and learn.

One thing that kind of bothers me a little, and even though I know it probably shouldn't, is that she is still friends with all my buddies... like hangs out with them all the time... the friends that I have know for 10 - 15 years. Its like she is still enjoying the benefits of the life that we created together... I don't know, its silly, but it bothers me a bit that she gets to hang out with my friends and I don't. It also bothers me because it means that when I go back home I am quite likely to run into her... although I'm sure she will know to keep her distance.

So after four weeks of NC... I do feel a lot better than I did when I was clinging on to that false hope. I guess I am also realising that she isn't going to reach out and contact me... for a long time, if ever. I suppose I had hoped that she might... but when she said "I won't contact you anymore" she obviously meant it... which is a good thing.

I am also getting the feeling that its going to take me meeting someone new, who I really like, to properly get over my ex... is this normal? I'm not meaning that I want to rush headlong into a relationship... but I get the feeling is that its going to take meeting someone else to really pull me through to the other side and be over her.

But yeah... another week of NC begins :-)