[saho]

Entire story merged, please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread

Hi I am 21 and I am dating this guy who is madly in love with me. I too love this guy but I keep getting attracted to other guys... and end up flirting with them... I feel I am cheating my boyfriend... is this correct?

[tickle]

You are certainly not being faithful and if you are flirting, while saying you love your boyfrield, you are not mature enough for this kind of relationship.

[talaniman]

You can love whomever you want to if your single, so I suggest you stay out of a relationship, until you have decided to be a loyal partner.

[saho]

Threads merged again

I have been in a relationship for the past 4 yrs. It all started in college.I committed to him because I thought that he needed someone at that point in his life. He was very insecure and vulnerable and I just cared about him a lot. But I now have realized that I do not love him.he is dependent on me for emotional support and when I talk to him about a break up he starts crying and begging to me to not leave him.his being so dependent on me freaks me out completely.to add to the existing situation I met this guy in my workplace who is all that I have ever dreamt off. I have feelings for this second guy which I never had for my boyfriend, ever in the 4 yrs.
I am tired of leading this life. I need a solution. Should I break up with my boyfriend and go for the second guy or should I stay on with my present boyfriend hoping that I will eventually start loving him... plsssssss help me...

[amicon]

If you truly don't want to stay with your boyfriend,you have to bite the bullet and break up.

There is no easy way to do that,you have to tell him the truth,no matter how hard you think it is.

As for guy number two,I suggest you take some time out from relationships before you start dating somebody else.

[saho]

Do I confess to my boyfriend that I have never loved him?

[Larken85]

No you do not confess that to him. That is a bad idea. If he is as bad as you say he is off then you need to lie through your teeth and come up with something that lets him know you did love him but you cannot stay with him. Sometimes the truth can hurt too much and no one wants suicide on their conscience. However it is your duty to break up with him or neither of you will be happy. Maybe introduce him to therapist first and make him take classes or something that would reinforce his self worth.
Be very gental with this guy.
Not to yell at you for past mistakes but NEVER go out with someone just because you feel sorry for them. It will always end up being bad. They will always become dependent upon the person they trust the most and that gives them attention. I was the same way but I have confidence now and I know it was pathetic to do that. But also you should never have let this go on for this long. It's going to really hurt him now. Plus you are going to need to support him and watch him. Don't watch him suffer, make him succeed and thrive. It's kind of your duty to do this in my opinion as you have lead him on for this long and he obviously will not gain independence on his own. He will hurt, it will hurt to see, but you'll both survive it and ultimately be much much happier.
As for guy two, I also say take time, as in a month or two. He may be your dream man and if that be the case he will be there later. Right now you need to recover your sanity. 4 years in a love deprived relationship can seriously take its toll on someone.

[Ithappenstoall]

I do not understand how can one be in a relationship for 4 years out of pity... this is extremely wrong

[amicon]

You tell him your feelings have changed and that there is no point in carrying on with the relationship.

You could possibly suggest his seeing a therapist,but then you leave him alone to heal.

He needs to sort out his own life and you can't do that for him.

You go no contact and take care of your own healing from the breakup.
.

[neverme]

No you do not put salt in the wound. You break up with him because issues or not he has a right to a REAL relationship.

Does he have a good friend or family member you can let know what is going on so he will not feel so alone? If so, tell them. He needs a support system.

I strongly recommend that you do not go for the second guy. At least not straight away, a) he WILL be a rebound and WILL NOT live up to the expectations you have of him. b) When you are going through a hard time you see what you want to. c) This man, the second does not deserve to have a girl who cannot possibly fully commit to a relationship and will be an emotional wreck.

Give yourself some time to breath. A relationship is an addition to an already fulfilling life, not a requirement.

[saho]

Thanks everyone for your suggestion. I will try my best to take your advice and break up with my boyfriend. Its going to kill him and its going to kill me to see him go through hell which I guess I designed for him.I am a horrible person. You people are right.he deserves a much better person than me.

[amicon]

He is responsible for his own choices in life.
It takes two to tango-so you are only responsible for your part,remember that.

I hope it goes as well as it possibly can.

Come back when you need to.

Take care.

[Larken85]

I understand why you did what you did. It wasn't right but at least I can say I understand. I guess its like a mercy killing except you're playing with a heart not a life. I will not beat you up for it, you don't really deserve that, he couldn't have made it easy for you and I am sorry you've had to endure begging from someone that you could not love. Just remember never to do this again and use it as a learning experience for the future.

[talaniman]

When I went back to your original post, this is yet another chapter of you seeing something else that attracts you more than your boyfriend does. Seems you don't mind cheating because your not that into him, he is just comfortable and secure, no matter how you put it as a reason to stay, and cheat.

I thought you had no business in a relationship more than a year ago, but you stayed, and found another guy on the side yet again. Leave this guy finally so he can at least have a chance to break his addiction to you, but be smart and stay single this time, if nothing else to keep you from being a cheater when a more attractive guy comes along.

[saho]

Yes I am going to do it because it has started giving me nightmares.I cannot sleep peacefully at nights and I have to do this for myself and more importantly for him.will tel him at the best possible point about my decision. I hope he can take care of himself and I swear I will stay away from relationships for a long long time till I really understand what love is.

[saho]

Threads merged



I took all your advices and I have finally broken up with my boyfriend of four years who was completely dependent on me for everythin. It was painful for him and extremely painful for me. But now I cannot stop thinking about him. Its nt that I want to get back with him but its that I am concerned about him all the time. He has been calling me like crazy. Has been texting me. Sholud I talk to him or reply to his texts or should I help him get over me by talking to him.. help I am confused.. (as always)

[amicon]

First of all,please don't keep starting new threads,just adding to your previous one will do-ok?

You broke up with him,now you should stay no contact with him so that he can,eventually,heal.

He needs to do this without any contact from you.

He is no longer your boyfriend so you keep on living your life doing your own thing.

[carly_may_13]

If you think that you will be able to be friends with him and not feel like you are responsible for him, then you should be able to talk to him and possibly maintain a friendship. But if you can't picture saying no to him when he asks for something from you, you shouldn't put yourself in that situation yet. Your ex is a big boy and he should be able to do things by himself, and it's not YOUR fault that he can't. I know exactly what your dealing with, I broke up with my boyfriend after I got sick of doing everything for him, and dealing with his emotions (extreme happiness/extreme depression). I didn't mind at the time, but when he started getting mad at me when I wouldn't do something for him (such as give him a ride somewhere before I had to go to work) and I got pissed off. He would turn my reason for saying no to him into how I didn't love him. Because I felt like I was getting used, which I was, and the fact that he was getting upset and doing the whole "poor me-I need your help or I'm screwed" all the time, I broke up with him. We are still good friends but I refuse to change my plans to accommodate his anymore, also I have told him straight up that he can't rely on me to help him out of situations that he gets himself into. Hopefully your ex wakes up, and grows up, but until he does-be strong, don't cave in to the pleading and begging for things (picture a little boy in the candy isle of a grocery store begging his mom for something, then whining when she says no-----this helps for me because it shows me how stupid he is being and reminds me that it's not my problem). Good Luck!!

[amicon]

Carla-read the rules of this site,you don't give your fellow posters a disagree for giving their opinion.

[saho]

He is telling me that he is ready to let me go bt he needs to hear my voice everyday. He is telling me nt to take away this happiness from him..!