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I Believe in · Jan 28, 2009, 08:53 PM

I have a friend who is dating an ex again. I'm not sure it is a good idea due to the reason why they broke up in the first place. It was violent and he physically hurt her but 11 months later he came back to her and she forgave him and now they are starting to date again... is it a good idea for her to go back out with him? I'm just concern for her

MzRene · Jan 28, 2009, 09:07 PM

NO! It is not cool for them to be together after he has put his hands on her. If he did it once he WILL do it again. But I have learned that people are going to do what they want to do. You being her friend will have to just be there for her. Support her in her choices and be a real friend. Im not saying be happy go lucky about the situation, but just be there for her throughout the situation.

zeeniee · Jan 28, 2009, 09:24 PM

Doesn't sound like a very good plan, however I think this is your friends choice. The only thing you can do is talk to your friend and voice your option without offending her/crossing your line and let her know you are there if she needs you for anything.

MarkwithaK · Jan 28, 2009, 09:25 PM

Ex's are ex's for a reason.

Romefalls19 · Jan 29, 2009, 06:19 AM

Nope, not a good reason at all. Unless he has taken all the required steps to change the person he was, which is doubtful

HistorianChick · Jan 29, 2009, 06:21 AM

I honestly do not think that 11 months is enough time to "get over" being physically abused. Your friend should stay far, far away from this guy.

It is NEVER OK for a man to hit a woman (or vice versa) out of anger. Ever.

Have you talked to your friend about this? Or, are you just "concerned from afar?"

talaniman · Jan 29, 2009, 06:27 AM

I think she is making a bad choice.

I Believe in · Jan 29, 2009, 01:02 PM

Once she told me that they are going out again I try to remind her why they broke up in the first place and the way he is by telling her what she told me about him... he pretty much destroy most of her belongings and try to kill her pets when he was living with her at her house... she seems to be happy right now and forgave him and pretty much she does whatever he tells her what to do... I'm concern from afar because she told me she wants to spend time with him... I just hope he won't go crazy when something happens

kctiger · Jan 29, 2009, 01:55 PM

Originally Posted by I Believe in

Once she told me that they are going out again i try to remind her why they broke up in the first place and the way he is by telling her what she told me about him...he pretty much destroy most of her belongings and try to kill her pets when he was living with her at her house...she seems to be happy right now and forgave him and pretty much she does whatever he tells her what to do...I'm concern from afar because she told me she wants to spend time with him...i just hope he wont go crazy when something happens

This sounds like a recipe for disaster. It sucks, as all you can do is a friend is stand back and watch. Where are her parents in all of this?

I Believe in · Jan 29, 2009, 02:26 PM

Her parents are divorced, this is what she wrote and had to say after two months they broke up

.. suddenly, everything has changed.

i feel stronger, i feel free, but so much lonelier. i don't think i have any friends anymore. friends i had before don't seem like real friends anymore, they seem like strangers to me. we have nothing in common.

the only person i feel i can trust is matt. he is the only person who hasn't changed. and if i am the one who has changed, he doesn't seem affected by it. we still talk to each other the same way, still tell the same jokes, talk about the same sort of things.. basically everything.. i can say anything to him and he doesn't think i'm strange or vulgar or mean..

people i've been friends with for years just aren't the same. people i've been friends with for a shorter period of time just seem crass and cliche.

tom was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
ever since that day, i've been struggling to recuperate, but i can't. it is wonderful, being free from him finally, but he made me pay an unfair price.
after all i've done for him--i've given him rides, let him live with me for a month during which i was feeding him, doing his laundry, cleaning up after him constantly... and had to suffer through not being able to see my friends simply because he didn't like them, or didn't feel like going out. i suffered so much manipulation, disrespect and abuse from him i still hurt in some places.
he made me hate who i was. he made me hate my body. he made me afraid to express myself.

he stole things from me. he hit me. he tried to kill my animals. he destroyed all of my photos. my memories. family vacations, birthdays, baby pictures of my cousins, photo shoots, digital art.

4 years. gone.

yet over a period of just 5 months he robbed me of my personal identity, my individuality, MY PEACE OF MIND.

now i am as troubled a girl as i was before, perhaps even moreso.

most of my friends are also friends with him. which probably means he's had plenty of time to do what he does best--manipulate.
funny how when people relay the whole ordeal back to me, what he has done to me is never mentioned. it will probably never be mentioned. not by him, anyway.

all i can do is try to forget about it i guess. move on. do something.

i never loved his face more than when i put it in the dirt.

This is what she wrote on monday

i don't need to explain myself to anybody, but if i felt so inclined it may go something like this:
we had a fight; once. only once. we had our differences and we were in hard places. we did horrible things to each other.. i am as guilty as he is.
two sensitive people can only be put through so much.
to say i ever quit loving tom spalding would be a lie..
i have thought about him almost every single day since we parted. i had never experienced such a complete and pure love as i had with him. i loved him, i love him now, let us be at peace.. we find no greater solace than in the company of each other.

he is truly my match. i see a light in him that i see in noone else.
out of all of the fish in sea, he is mine, the one for me. the one that swam back when i set him free. out of all the fish, all of them, he really, truly is

my little fish.<3

But all I can do is try to be there for her and watch everything unfold

talaniman · Jan 29, 2009, 06:14 PM

Its tough to watch the cycle of abuse play itself out before your eyes, and I know it's a helpless feeling when she chooses to stay in it.

Protect yourself, as you really can do nothing but give her a band-aid, when she runs head first into that brick wall.

pandora2 · Jan 30, 2009, 06:20 AM

Ibelievein, I can understand you want to be a good friend, BUT it is her life, her choices. I also find it a bit much that you write her personal letter here.

I believe also that when we are too meddled into other peoples affairs that it says something about ourselves. That we are trying to avoid facing our own choices, thus we distract ourselves with others problems.