[tirednhurt86]

Heyy everyone!

Well its been a little bit since I posted on here. Lately I have been having a really difficult time moving on from my past relationship- as most of you might know, my boyfriend dumped me after 2 years together. We had planned a future, talked about marriage and the love was something I had never experienced before. I was very close with his family so I lost him and a second family along with mutual friends who were his friends to begin with so obviously they stuck by him. I have asked about this before, and I know that some people just don't know what else to say to me, like my friends and family. They knew him and they didn't think he treated me right. To be honest, he was emotionally abusive... the thing is, I still love him and when I think back on our past I don't think of how mean he was, its like blocked out, all I think of are the good things, the good times. I feel lost... depressed, and sad. Like I keep going out dating and I have already been asked out by two other guys- but I'm not ready... will I ever be? Its been a little over 3 months since he broke up with me... is it normal to still cry almost every night? To only remember the good times? To forget the bad? To think time and time again that I can't get close to a new guy because my ex might come back to me? Am I even ready to date yet or is it too soon? Will I ever be ready? Will I be able to love again? Because right now, no one can compare to him in my mind, even almost 4 months later no one is good enough as he was. When I'm alone I'm lonely but when I'm with someone new I get scared, panic and just hurt the new guy. I only want my ex back. I know he is moving on, through friends I have found it out. And I just want to let go, how do I do that? Really what I want to know is... along with these questions my main one is... is this normal? To not be able to sleep at all because when I lie down I think of him and cry... to not ever feel happy enough, to not be able to get close to a new guy... to still want him and think he may come back ( although deep down I know he wont). Is this the normal process or do I need some kind of clinical help? Will it get better? Will I love again? I guess I just need help and I know no one can really make it better, but the advice does help and to know I'm not alone in this. Thanks!

[aqua@home]

I think this is somewhat normal. It is okay to be hurt because you lost someone you thought you were going to share the rest of your life with. You have lost quite a bit, it's probably a good thing that you feel bad about that. Now you have to heal. Time will help. If he was abusive then you are surely better without him. The fact that you want him or feel like you need him and still know that he was abusive, tells me that you are not ready for a committed relationship. I think you should work on yourself. Get to know you and make sure you know that you are worth more than that. Don't get caught in an abusive relationship. Please take your time and work out what you want and what you need for yourself before you throw someone else into the mix. I love my husband dearly, but I know he is not perfect and can lean into the abusive behavior. You do not want to be stuck with that. I'm not saying I want out, but it shouldn't have to be that hard.

I hope you are understanding what I am saying, I hope I have said it clear enough. Being with someone doesn't complete us as human beings, so don't be in a hurry to have a boyfriend. You have plenty of time, so enjoy it.

[talaniman]

I hesitate to answer because as you know, you have been given a lot of advice, and I see it now you need a few very good female friends, because honestly the last thing you need is a b/f right now. A real friend can help you with the grieving process and let you cry on her shoulder but you'd understand better when she tells you to get off the pity pot and start doing positive things with positive people and don't isolate yourself from this big ole world with so much to see and do. As a man I would have a hard time telling you that without hurting your feelings. Sorry, Find your good Girlfriends.

[Wildcat21]

I might suggest seeing a conselour - for sure.

If this guy was abusive, you don't want anything to so with him. He actually sounds like a real jerk.

Only time will heal - BUT crying after 3 months... that's not good.

Lets remember what a jerk he was. Lets remember "knew him and they didint think he treated me right."

WHY on earth would you ever want to be with someone who treats you poorly. I think YOU need to work on yourself esteem... work harder at work, workout, hang with your friends.

There's no reason to be with that guy + he doesn't want to be with YOU.

[Sword32]

I agree with the above posts.

A sad fact of life is we all need a challenge when we are in a relationship and doing all the giving (and I have recently been there till I woke up) the other person is doing all the taking we feel we are doing something wrong so we try harder and harder until we are giving 1000% of ourselves to our partner and getting nothing back except for brief moments when they want or need us. Its wrong but almost adictive.. That person has all the control and it is not fair or equal. What makes it hard to walk away is that normally its people you would never dream of being in those kind of relationships strong people..

The hard part is walking away its like a huge unfinished argument and no one likes to lose an argument.. Part of you just knows you can make things all right you can try harder you can change and therein is the problem it has ceased to become a relationship it has become a challenge you must prove your point and win true, you will make him love you and treat you the way you treat him.

Sometimes in life you must accept defeat and walk away. You need real friends in your life not people who are after you for your body or a relationship, you need to find out who you are and what you want in life and il wager that being treated like that doesn't figure in your plans.

Use friends and counselling regain yourself esteem.

[valinors_sorrow]

You are "romancing" it -- that is where you rewrite history and make it such a fantastic love story that it no longer matches anything remotely connected to reality. It's a form of denial-- a kind of lying to yourself. Then you take that fantasy and compare it to your present reality and the present reality can't compete, it looks bleak in comparison. It would for anyone who was doing what you are doing, by the way. So you get depressed (naturally) and the depression kicks in your need to fantasize and the cycle begins all over again. Its really almost like an addiction. The solution is to quit the romancing, look at the past objectively, include everything -- the good, the bad, the ugly. If necessary write it down - the truth this time - so you can pull it out and reread it whenever you feel yourself about to launch into another fantasy orbit.

Another way to counteract what you are doing is read the book "Women Who Love Too Much" -- it will be both enlightening and healing to you. If you have any questions after reading I would be happy to answer them too. If you can't manage to take these steps, then professional help may be what is required. I am not saying any of this to be harsh.. its just soooo much easier to deal in reality, and you deserve to get some relief.

[confused25]

I believe that what you are going through is normal. Some people just love or become attached a lot more, so when they lose someone (whether it is due to a break-up or some other event) it is much harder for them to deal with it. 2 years is a long time so it will take a while for you to heal.

But you have to remember that healing just doesn't happen on its own. Healing requires that you actively engage in the process. You have to do things you enjoy so you forget about the past and move on. Best advice is to hang out with friends (preferably female friends) and family--like others have suggested. If you just sit around and mope then of course it will take longer for you to be happy again.

Moreover, you asked if you will ever love again, and the answer is a resounding YES! You just need to be patient. I strongly suggest that you don't date right now. Give it time. In a few months check yourself and decide whether you are finally ready. But at the moment just work on yourself.

Finally, sometimes people just need a good kick in the butt to get them out of their depressed mood. If you're loved ones have not done so yet, then allow me to be the first... *ahem*... GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE! There are literally millions of guys out there! You're obviously a wonderful woman (you've already been asked out by two guys!) so the one getting the bad end of deal here is your ex-boyfriend, this is his loss and your opportunity for something better! Now, life is short so quit being depressed and go out and have some fun!! You deserve it! :)

[s_cianci]

I believe that most of your reactions are normal. However, I'm more concerned about the apparent co-dependency patterns that you seem to be caught up in. You admit that he was abusive yet at the same time claim that you can only remember the good ; you certainly don't seem to be relieved to be rid of this monster. Were you abused in childhood? For some reason I think you seem to think of abuse as "normal", to the point where you almost take it for granted. I think you may need to see a counselor, not for the purpose of coping with your breakup but to address the underlying issues concerning why you take abuse as normal and how to break away from that destructive pattern. Otherwise your nest relationship is bound to be just as bad if not worse. Women with your mindset and their children are the ones who end up in shelters for battered women, in emergency rooms or, worse case scenario, as murder victims. You have a serious problem that needs to be addressed and the sooner the better.