[christoffer]

Me and my girlfriend broke up 2 weeks ago,she says she loves me and wonts things to work,and even said she would like to get married and have kids, but she says I've changed and she has been trying to get me to stop being so into work and money and just have fun like we use to.she said for the last year and half of are 3 year relationship she has been trying to get me to relax.finally I could see she wasn't herself and she told me she doesn't think she love anyone as much as me,but wants to separate,and if I can change ,and she sees that I have then we can try again.
My problem is, never to this moment did I really understand what she felt and meant,she only wants what's best for us( I think)and now I am changing and getting help from family and friend to do so,but the time apart is killing me.I'm so scared and get sick when I think about it.I'm trying very hard to give her space,but I can't stop thinking about bad things,
Do you think if I really change that we can work things out,because I can't stop thinking time apart will make her forget me. I need some support.

[bmc_imr4308]

You're in a tight spot here man. I am just wondering why she wants you to relax instead of working so much and worrying about money. If she wants to get married and have kids then that requires money. I think that you should just talk to her and tell her this and see what she says. If she sees your reasoning then she will realize that what you are doing is the best for the both of you and your future children.

[liz28]

Who knows for sure that if you change she will take you back? Maybe, maybe that. I think she is confuse with herself because if work was the only issue between the two of you then why couldn't your work it out? What else hapoen because you said something about bad things in your relationship, what bad things?

At this time you can only focus on yourself because I am sure that there is something's you would want to change about her since she wants you to change. Your going think about her, that's normal but don't let thoughts of her consume you.

[artlady]

Change what? The fact that you are concentrating on work?
That does not sound like a deal breaker to me.
Trying to make someone what they are not is not love.That is conditional love,meaning, I only love you when you do what I want.
Is that really what you want?
There is a time for play and a time for work and perhaps you do have your priorities straight right now.
Compromise seems to be the best answer but you should not have to be the only one to change.Perhaps she needs to be more accepting as well.

[christoffer]

I wrote about this already but feel I need to tell it a little better.
Me and my girlfriend broke up on jan 7,we were together just giving each other space but I pushed the subject,to the point were she said we needed to brake up .
She told me I always push when it comes to problems and never give them time to be fixed,before I'm pushing the subject to heal fast,and she's right. I asked her if she loved me and if she really wanted to work things out to be together,or just trying to let me down easy,she keeps on saying she does love me and wants to be together.but she said she needs me to stop pushing all the time and learn to listen and stop wineing about things all the time,she said she wants me to get back to the happy,fun,carefree person she fell in love with.(we been together for 3 years and she said I started acting like thins a year ago and it has slowly got worse).she asked me if I would be willing to go stay with friends for a while,and after we have a few days aof space then we can start from scratch and just have fun,and if she sees that I'm am really trying to change then we can work things out.
So I went to my friend ( on good terms) and dident contact her for three days, she called me and asked about things,of couse I started pushing,saying how much I loved her and why can't we just get back together now,but she was very clear that if I really won't this to work I have to learn to stop pushing,she said she does miss me but she has been trying to keep herself busy.she said she understand that it might be harder for me,since she has been feeling this for a while and has had time to cope. All I know is that in all my life I have never met someone that I care so much for,and that I respect.as weak as she might seem at first sight she is strong when it comes to us. Everyday now I focus on changing, I stopped pushing the subject and have just tried to enjoy myself ,instead of thinking about money and work all the time.I pray that we work out,because this is the women I want to marry. She said she would call me this week to do something,(and I feel that when we hangout that that is the time to show who I am becoming and want to be not just for her but for us.my paln is to go on some dates andhang with are friend together, the only problem is the waiting,it kills me,I have had a sick feeling in my stomach everyday.
If anyone has any ideas or coments they are very welcome and apprecitated. Thank you
(and on a last note we have decided not to jump back into living together right away,that we can get back together after I change, but give it more time before we live together again.

[talaniman]

I can empathize with your pain, but its not all you, or your fault. She isn't happy, but does that mean you should bear all the blame here guy, as she sounds needy herself.

For sure your problems go back to poor communications, and an unwillingness to work with you. That's the only way you can compromise, and work on getting solutions that benefit you both.

It's a very big red flag, that she needs to change you for her to be happy, that's a crock of crap, and shows her immaturity and willingness to blame you, and use that for an excuse to break up with you.

Leave her alone, and work through your own issues yourself, without her influence, as if she can't accept you for who you are, and work with you, she ain't the one for you my friend. Just be yourself, and deal with your feelings in a positive way, and heal from this misery, and rebuild your life without her in it.

You can't make someone happy, that's up to them, but you can be happy with yourself, and share it with someone that deserves it, and can return it to you.

She cannot.

[talaniman]

I posted my response, after your other thread was merged so I can only add a few questions here.

Are you really pushy and why? What has changed here, that has changed you? Why haven't you talked and listened to each other?? What does she mean by your pushy?? Does this have anything to do with insecurity, or are you a workaholic? Does she work, or go to school?? You said you moved out?? Are you still paying the bills??

More info guy, and that doesn't mean start a new thread, but post on this one, to cut down on confusion.

[christoffer]

Well when she goes out I have a tendency to call her many times to know what she's doing(yes I think some may have to do with insecurity)but the thing is I know she I a good girl and she wouldn't cheat,but I do worry about guys disrespecting her,yes she works but part time,she lost her full time and is trying to get full time at her new job,when it comes to listening ,she has told me she just wants me to have fun and be happy,but I get uptight about things,and yes I use to work more than I needed to but have recently cut my hours back in order to change that habit.well we have accounts together, and bills together so we both still pay.

[talaniman]

You have a few issues that makes you act out of fear, and impulse you need to deal with. As you see its causing problems in your relationship. Need help? Get it.

[christoffer]

Just last night she asked me to dinner,and we talked. She said that she loves me and wants to hang out,but does not want to be with me.she said she just wants to have a good time and not lable what we are and just let things be.I asked her what she thought about the future and if she see's any hope if I change ,she told me that she can't answer that because she doesent know what the future might hold.I asked her if she was trying to stay cool with me because we have so much stuff together.(and said she could have it all if that was the reason.but she said no,that she really wants to still do things together,not for the stuff but because she said we do have fun together. So now I have to just let go.should I keep hanging out with her or take everything and go,I fear that hanging out might give a false sense of hope,and I don't know if I can just sit back like that and watch he date people in the future. She says she is not interested in that now,but she will be in time.I no I have to move on,I just feel so lost.what can I do?I FEEL LIKE I can't STOP LOVEIGNG HER.

[talaniman]

Chris my friend, this board is full of people in your situation, who are in the middle of a break up, and need time to heal.

The honest approach, since she has been honest with you, is tell her you need time to heal, and get beyond this, so you can deal with the intense feelings you have, and you will let her know when you have done so, then go NO Contact, and regroup, and rebuild your own life.

Hanging out, and still trying to be friends will only prolong the healing, and not only keep you hoping she changes her mind, but will leave you miserable, so make it a clean break, and get yourself back together.

Sorry for your loss.

[liz28]

Who cares what she wants? It ia about what you want and right now you need to move on. Being friends with her is not an option for you because you still have feelings for her. If you even try to be friends or as she said "hang up with her" your only be setting yourself up and it will interfere with your healing.

You might feel like you can't stop loving her but you will be able to get over her in time. You might always love her but not be in love with her, that's the difference. I still love some of my exes but I am not in love with them and no matter what happen betwwen us I cherish the time I spent with them(the good and bad) and I learned from what we shared.

Your healing process starts with you. Stop using negative words and replace it with positive ones. Get the "I can't" out of your vocabulary.

[talaniman]

Your healing starts with leaving her alone and dealing with your feelings, without her influence.

YOU DON'T NEED A NEW THREAD FOR EVERY QUESTION YOU HAVE, THATS CONFUSING TO A READER. STAY WITH THIS ONE PLEASE.

[christoffer]

I have posted questions about my relashionship before,and have been told ,not to start a new thread,but to continue on the current one.I'm not sure how to do that,so if someone could let me know that would be cool.

[kctiger]

Go to your profile, and you can click on the "My Questions" opiton, which will display all of the questions you have asked (threads you have started). You can then select which thread you want and go from there...

[christoffer]

Well I have given her space,and started to move on.but now something very crazy and unexpected has happened.we sall each other at a party,and atarted to talk.to make a long story short,we ended up hanging out the next day at her house.and after talking about the relashionship,got staarted talking about moving to Texas together.when I asked her about the things that has been going on between us, she said that she had talked to her family.she feels that by moving away to Texas were we have always wanted to go,and for us to be alone,that we can work things out.she want's to take the next few months to get ready and work on us.all she asked from me is that ,I let her the truth.(because I said I want to change not just for her but for myself ,and stop being so controlling and pushy).I let her know that I do want to stop pushing her and others that come into my life,but that it is something I must work on everyday ,and it will take time.so now we have plans to move out of state and try to start a new relashionship and leave the past behind. My question is ,what do you think,can this logicaly happen,or am I fooling myself and her.I have to say that I feel if I can stop being so controlling,that we might fix things,but I also feel that I might be being a fool.what do you think?

[Synnen]

Moving to another state with no family or friends there is either the best thing you can do, or the worst.

You will be each other's ONLY support while you are there.

Sometimes that makes people incredibly close to each other.

Sometimes that drives them to HATE each other.

Given the history that I've just read on this thread---I wouldn't recommend it. If you can't make it work where you are, you probably can't make it work when you're both stressed and lonely because of new jobs, no jobs, new friends, no friends, whatever.

[talaniman]

Your right, that's crazy and unexpected, and I doubt you gave it a lot of practical thought.

Moving doesn't change anything but location, not solve any problems. Matter of fact, you take them with you.

I think its far more beneficial to do your work on yourself before you even jump back into anything with her.

I think this is a lousy idea, and will bite you in the butt. Just like you need some changes, so does she, or are you the only one with issues here? I don't think so!

[christoffer]

I think yor right ,I'll wait 6 months or so and see what happends.if she really cares then we might work things out in that time,but if not then we won't be goiong know where.at least together.I know she likes the idea,but in 6 months time if we work are differences out,and she still wants this,then I will feel better about it then.do you think 6 months is enough time.I guess you never know when and how fast or slow things can work out.and it will give me us time to save up if this is something that does happen. Thanks

[christoffer]

Extensively edited for grammar spelling spacing and a load of other things to make it understandable. Can the moderator get a break sometime???

I moved back to my home town,and started dating other girls after being in a four year relationship. I hung out with girls from ages 20 to 24.(I'm 24)and did not find anything I liked. Then by chance I was introduced to this chick who I had an instant attraction to . Then I found out she was only 17 (legal age of consent in Michigan is 17).I decided to hang out, and found myself liking this girl more, and more. Now were in a dating process, but I told her I don't want to get intimate to soon. Since she wants to wait to tell her parents until she is 18. She is very mature for her age, and so far is what I would describe as the perfect chick for me. She likes me a lot but wants to keep things slow till later,which I like. Since she is a virgin, I want to hold off on the sex stuff till I know her, and I are in this for long term. My question is do you thing having sex with a virgin will lead to her messing around on me with other guys in the future. And what do you think of the situation as whole? Can this really work, or do you think it will only last a year, or so.