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Red Minx · Jan 24, 2009, 07:56 PM

My fiancé and I have been trying to get custody of his three kids. They currently live in what was originally a three bedroom home with a total of four kids and 5 adults and the ex-wife used in vetro to get pregnant with twins. Each child shares a room with one sibling of the same sex. A 10 year old girl with her 15 year old half sister, 11 and 13 year old boys. All they did to make more bedrooms is put up walls. This is maybe a 2300sq home at most. Step-father doesn't work and hasn't in almost two years.
We have a 3 bedroom home and are in the process of buying a new double wide where all 3 kids will have their own rooms. We went to court and lost. Unfortunately we had a bad attorney and she didn't bring up half the problems we had discussed with her. The ex constantly talks down about their dad(my fiance) and has even gone so far as told them about the affair he had over 10 years ago! It is ridiculous for the kids to have to deal with all this. I talked to someone recently that said there are standards for kids sharing bedrooms, like whether they are related, age differences etc. She recently had won her own custody battle. Does anyone know what the rule are? Where I can find them? We plan on appealing, is this a futile attempt? The judge just said they were good kids and seemed well adjusted so she didn't want to move them. She even talked to them all together, I know they don't really like hurting each others feelings, they wouldn't have said a thing against either their dad or their mom with their siblings there. One might tell on the other kind of thing. We are truly devastated by this loss and would dearly appreciate any advice.

cdad · Jan 24, 2009, 08:02 PM

Originally Posted by Red Minx

My fiance and I have been trying to get custody of his three kids. They currently live in what was originally a three bedroom home with a total of four kids and 5 adults and the ex-wife used in vetro to get pregnant with twins. Each child shares a room with one sibling of the same sex. A 10 year old girl with her 15 year old half sister, 11 and 13 year old boys. All they did to make more bedrooms is put up walls. This is maybe a 2300sq home at most. Step-father doesn't work and hasn't in almost two years.
We have a 3 bedroom home and are in the process of buying a new double wide where all 3 kids will have their own rooms. We went to court and lost. Unfortunately we had a bad attorney and she didn't bring up half the problems we had discussed with her. The ex constantly talks down about their dad(my fiance) and has even gone so far as told them about the affair he had over 10 years ago! It is ridiculous for the kids to have to deal with all this. I talked to someone recently that said there are standards for kids sharing bedrooms, like whether or not they are related, age differences etc. She recently had won her own custody battle. Does anyone know what the rule are? Where I can find them? We plan on appealing, is this a futile attempt? The judge just said they were good kids and seemed well adjusted so she didn't want to move them. She even talked to them all together, I know they don't really like hurting each others feelings, they wouldn't have said a thing against either their dad or their mom with their siblings there. One might tell on the other kind of thing. We are truly devastated by this loss and would dearly appreciate any advice.

This size of the home doesn't matter it's the love and caring part that matters. In most states there really isn't " rules " for sharing a room and they are at least separated by sex so that's not really a problem either. How much custody does he have at this time ?

JudyKayTee · Jan 25, 2009, 07:14 AM

Originally Posted by Red Minx

My fiance and I have been trying to get custody of his three kids. They currently live in what was originally a three bedroom home with a total of four kids and 5 adults and the ex-wife used in vetro to get pregnant with twins. Each child shares a room with one sibling of the same sex. A 10 year old girl with her 15 year old half sister, 11 and 13 year old boys. All they did to make more bedrooms is put up walls. This is maybe a 2300sq home at most. Step-father doesn't work and hasn't in almost two years.
We have a 3 bedroom home and are in the process of buying a new double wide where all 3 kids will have their own rooms. We went to court and lost. Unfortunately we had a bad attorney and she didn't bring up half the problems we had discussed with her. The ex constantly talks down about their dad(my fiance) and has even gone so far as told them about the affair he had over 10 years ago! It is ridiculous for the kids to have to deal with all this. I talked to someone recently that said there are standards for kids sharing bedrooms, like whether or not they are related, age differences etc. She recently had won her own custody battle. Does anyone know what the rule are? Where I can find them? We plan on appealing, is this a futile attempt? The judge just said they were good kids and seemed well adjusted so she didn't want to move them. She even talked to them all together, I know they don't really like hurting each others feelings, they wouldn't have said a thing against either their dad or their mom with their siblings there. One might tell on the other kind of thing. We are truly devastated by this loss and would dearly appreciate any advice.

Unless the mother is abusive I don't see your fiancé getting custody. You have absolutely no legal standing in any of this as the fiancé. I am not certain that your unmarried status didn't factor into the Judge's decision but if the children and the parties were interviewed and the children are happy and stable I don't see a change in custody.

As far as the Attorney not presenting the arguments you felt were important, that's a common misconception - things the petitioning party thinks are very important might be ethically or morally important but legally are meaningless. Certainly the mother is behaving badly if she is sharing adult problems with children but legally her behavior carries no weight because the children have been interviewed and apparently it isn't disturbing to them.

I am not aware of any restrictions unless you are in a gated community or government-assisted housing concerning the number of children per bedroom.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 25, 2009, 07:43 AM

Sorry the living arrangement and being poor and not having a large engough home is not grounds to get the kids.
If they are neglected, if they are not fed, if they are not cared for.

I had one case a few years ago, dad was a business person, had a large brick home, playground for kids and more. Mom lived in a old trailer, kids shared with step brothers/sisters
There was evidence presented of trash all around the trailer, beer cans laying everywhere, and the mother even left them unsupervised for hours,

Guess what mom keep custody and judge just ordered dad to pay additional money over set child support since he could obviously afford it to help the kids have a better home with their mom.

Red Minx · Jan 25, 2009, 07:50 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

As far as the Attorney not presenting the arguments you felt were important, that's a common misconception - things the petitioning party thinks are very important might be ethically or morally important but legally are meaningless. Certainly the mother is behaving badly if she is sharing adult problems with children but legally her behavior carries no weight because the children have been interviewed and apparently it isn't disturbing to them.

I was trying to keep it to a minimum. The kids do get upset. The ten year old has burst into tears repeatedly. The oldest is constantly getting bombarded with guilt trips, i.e. she called him into the bedroom crying saying that he didn't love her anymore. He also loves to sing and even when he's in his bedroom will get in trouble if he is singing. My fiancé and I love to sing. The youngest son is really having issues. He has moments when he's terribly withdrawn and it concerns us. His ex has a 15 year old daughter that my fiancé raised. He is the only dad she's ever known. Two summers ago we were getting the children for two weeks including her. Her mom and grandmother sat up with her till two in the morning the night before and suddenly she didn't want to go. When the rest of kids came out they said that she had been extremely excited about coming and riding horses etc. Were afraid this is what's going on with the younger son. What kind of examples are these people making?

Red Minx · Jan 25, 2009, 07:56 AM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Sorry the living arrangement and being poor and not having a large engough home is not grounds to get the kids.
If they are neglected, if they are not fed, if they are not cared for.

I had one case a few years ago, dad was a business person, had a large brick home, playground for kids and more. Mom lived in a old trailer, kids shared with step brothers/sisters
There was evidence presented of trash all around the trailer, beer cans laying everywhere, and the mother even left them unsupervised for hours,

Guess what mom keep custody and judge just ordered dad to pay additional money over set child support since he could obviously afford it to help the kids have a better home with their mom.

Okay the friend I mentioned had a custody battle and had to appeal repeatedly but they won in the end. One judge told her that when you keep trying it often will make the judge take a closer look into the case.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 25, 2009, 08:42 AM

Depends, in many cases they consider it harassment depends on the reason they keep going back to court and I have seen it work the other way. Just up to a specific Judge often. Glad this one worked out

JudyKayTee · Jan 25, 2009, 08:59 AM

Originally Posted by Red Minx

I was trying to keep it to a minimum. The kids do get upset. The ten year old has burst into tears repeatedly. The oldest is constantly getting bombarded with guilt trips, i.e. she called him into the bedroom crying saying that he didn't love her anymore. He also loves to sing and even when he's in his bedroom will get in trouble if he is singing. My fiance and I love to sing. The youngest son is really having issues. He has moments when he's terribly withdrawn and it concerns us. His ex has a 15 year old daughter that my fiance raised. He is the only dad she's ever known. Two summers ago we were getting the children for two weeks including her. Her mom and grandmother sat up with her till two in the morning the night before and suddenly she didn't want to go. When the rest of kids came out they said that she had been extremely excited about coming and riding horses etc. Were afraid this is whats going on with the younger son. What kind of examples are these people making?

The father should take his proof that the child(ren) is undergoing psychological abuse (including an evaluation by an unrelated professional) and go back to Court with the new proof and again ask for custody. That's the only way to get custody.

As far as what examples are these people making, I really do understand your concern and upset but if you get tangled up in those issues you will lose sight of the legal issues. The basic legal issue is what is best for the children and that is what the father must address in a legal forum.