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Gearhe4d · Jan 22, 2009, 10:03 PM

Well.. I guess I'm sort of happier knowing that she still takes the time out basically every day to talk to me and make jokes and such with me still. I figure without that, I don't really know what to look forward to in a day.

MarkwithaK · Jan 22, 2009, 10:07 PM

What are you going to do when she comes up to you and finally tells you that it is over and she ain't coming back? What then?

Originally Posted by talaniman

Are you happy with this arrangement??

Haven't you figured it out yet Tal? The only thing that is important is that SHE is happy with the arrangement.:rolleyes:

zeeniee · Jan 22, 2009, 10:14 PM

Dear Gearhd,

I personally would not recommend you to go to this trip as I think you will get hurt much more than your all ready have been, HOWEVER...

It is very clear that your heart is very set with this girl- I can see that no matter what anyone says- your heart will no move on this one- fair enough as the heart will only change when it feels different. You normally feel different, when you see something with your own eyes and deep down you know you cannot ignore what you see... thats when you will act on your feelings and use you head as well...

Perhaps you should go to the Portland trip... how you feel for her and how you see her right now in your heart is one thing- how she behaves and acts will be v different. Maybe you need to see how much she has changed, how much she has moved on, and how little disrespect she has for your feelings... how much she will play with your mind and drive you insane... once you start seeing this, you will start to feel that shift in your heart and then maybe you can really sit down with yourself and say enough is enough- she is no longer the same the person you loved and now it is time you start doing things that is right for you.

How much pain are you willing to endure?

Gearhe4d · Jan 22, 2009, 10:14 PM

That actually seems like it'd be a relief at this point. It's not knowing that is killing me. I don't really know what she wants because she says she wants space, and yet still talks to me and makes plans to do stuff with me.

411Help · Jan 22, 2009, 10:17 PM

The confusion stops when you let it stop.

Gearhe4d · Jan 22, 2009, 10:17 PM

Originally Posted by zeeniee

how much pain are you willing to endure?

Honestly? I think I could deal with whatever pain I have to as long as I know there is still a chance of getting her back.

411Help · Jan 22, 2009, 10:19 PM

Seriously man. You need to stand up. Stop being stepped on like a door mat. You need to heal. Then, in the future, someone special will knock you off your feet.

MarkwithaK · Jan 22, 2009, 10:19 PM

Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

Honestly? I think I could deal with whatever pain I have to as long as I know there is still a chance of getting her back.

Oh really? So if on this trip she slept with some other guy but told you not to worry because one day you 2 would be back together you would be OK with it? Remember that at this point she owes you no loyalty in the sense that you are not actually 'together'.

Gearhe4d · Jan 22, 2009, 10:20 PM

Even if I go through with no contact, I'm still going to be constantly wondering what's going on with her and if she still feels like it's a break.. and all of the stuff I'm going through right now, that's why I feel like us going to Portland, and me trying to just play it cool, and make sure we are having fun together (which I know I can do) might help?

Gearhe4d · Jan 22, 2009, 10:21 PM

Originally Posted by MarkwithaK

Oh really? So if on this trip she slept with some other guy but told you not to worry because one day you 2 would be back together you would be ok with it? Remember that at this point she owes you no loyalty in the sense that you are not actually 'together'.

She wouldn't do that though, and I'm 100% positive of that, so if you're going to use hypotheticals, at least make them within the realm of actual possibility.

zeeniee · Jan 22, 2009, 10:22 PM

Gearhe4d,
I think right now your willing to do everything and anything... but eventually you will come to the end of the road and you know that you will have to walkaway and start fresh...

I guess you will do this, when you are ready to do this...

I wish you can see the bigger picture here... sigh..

MarkwithaK · Jan 22, 2009, 10:26 PM

Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

She wouldn't do that though, and I'm 100% positive of that, so if you're going to use hypotheticals, at least make them within the realm of actual possibility.

How is that outside of reality? Just because you think she wouldn't do it doesn't make it factual. You have no idea what is going on inside her head. No one does but her. Hell, up to the point that she told you she needed a 'break' you thought things were just peachy when in reality you couldn't see that something was wrong. At this point your just putting her up on a pedestal.

411Help · Jan 22, 2009, 10:34 PM

Trust me, she's probably not as great as you may think once you let the emotional dust settle.

NorthernNiceGuy · Jan 22, 2009, 10:45 PM

Originally Posted by MarkwithaK

How is that outside of reality? Just because you think she wouldn't do it doesn't make it factual. You have no idea what is going on inside her head. No one does but her. Hell, up to the point that she told you she needed a 'break' you thought things were just peachy when in reality you couldn't see that something was wrong. At this point your just putting her up on a pedestal.

Exactly, she's just standing on this pedestal you've made for her... Honestly its during break-ups that you get blown away by what your ex is capable of. After four years of being with a girl that I thought I would marry... we broke up and she slept with two guys within a month. I was awe struck by the whole thing. Never in a million years would I think she was capable of that.

As long as your mind is focused on trying to get her back you won't be able to heal. After all the things people wrote about NC you just asked if doing so would help get her back. You have to cut her out of your life, if she comes back to you than great, if not you have already started healing so you are ahead of the game.

Gearhe4d · Jan 22, 2009, 10:48 PM

I think what's not being taken into consideration here enough is that I was the one who smothered her too much, and now I really see that, and that is what pushed her away, I can't blame her for wanting a break, and I now know that I need to put the same amount of effort into our relationship as she does, I was doing too much, and helping too often, and being there for her when I didn't need to be. I built up in my head that I needed to make her happy all the time, and now I understand that it was a mistake, and that she probably would have been happier if I left her alone more, and she'd still probably be in love with me today.

Now that I know that, that's what I want to convey to her, that I'm not going to let what got in the way before, get in the way now, and I'm ready to do this the right way, I just need a chance to prove it.

Gearhe4d · Jan 22, 2009, 10:50 PM

Also, it seems like a lot of you are under the impression that she is a crazy who is messing with my heart and purposfully putting me through pain, and I just don't think that is what she's at.

NorthernNiceGuy · Jan 22, 2009, 10:55 PM

Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

Now that I know that, that's what I want to convey to her, that I'm not going to let what got in the way before, get in the way now, and I'm ready to do this the right way, I just need a chance to prove it.

But I think that's your problem. You think that if you convey this to her she will want you back. I appreciate your honesty and yes, how you acted probably contributed to it. But the fact is that her feelings for you have changed. You can't force love, and just by telling her this won't bring back those feelings for you. She has fallen out of love with you, and not a single thing you do or say is going to change the way she feels. She will/will not come around on her own.

MarkwithaK · Jan 22, 2009, 10:56 PM

Well now you're just making excuses for her. Why exactly did you ask for advice in the first place? I mean you seem to have it all figured out.

NorthernNiceGuy · Jan 22, 2009, 10:58 PM

Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

Also, it seems liek a lot of you are under the impression that she is a crazy who is messing with my heart and purposfully putting me through pain, and I just don't think that is what she's at.

She's not crazy, the way she is acting is VERY VERY common behavior for the dumper. So recognize that most ex's act like this... It's how they cope with the guilt, and you can't really blame them. They just don't take a step back to think that all this might have a negative effect on the person they broke up with.

Gearhe4d · Jan 22, 2009, 11:02 PM

Originally Posted by MarkwithaK

Well now you're just making excuses for her. Why exactly did you ask for advice in the first place? I mean you seem to have it all figured out.

I asked for advice on how to get her back. Not on why she asked for the break, or what I did wrong.

I do know those things, I DON'T know how to get her back, or how to really get myself to stop thinking about her. (This is the part where you say NC will do that in time)

Don't think I'm taking nothing from what I've read here, I've learned a lot, and a whole lot more about how every seems to just give up hope, I don't know about everybody else, but I have never been the kind of person who just gives up. I have always been the kind of person who looks for a way. I'm hoping eventually that someone will chime in and say something like "I did this and it made her really think" or "I said this and it cleared up the problem she is having with me"

I just want to work it out. That's what people do isn't it?