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rowanie · Jan 21, 2009, 06:38 PM

I have spent six years in a relationship with my husband, two of those years as a married couple. We are fine together, love each other, support each other. He helped me through anorexia, and I am now supporting him in a depression. Overall, we are open, honest, constructive and committed.

Now, nine months ago, I met another man, completely innocently, and we bonded instantly. It feels like there is something larger than ourselves going on, something undeniable. Neither of us were 'looking for something else' - we both had good relationships before.

Since we met, we have stayed in touch, and our friendship had become deeper. Finally, we admitted to loving each other romantically as well - which we both knew from the start. It is a very strange thing, to fall in love twice!

What can we do? I can not deny my feelings for the new love, nor do I want to hurt my husband. I can't NOT choose either of them... And yet I keep telling myself to be 'true to my own heart'. So, again, what shall I do?

southerngalps · Jan 21, 2009, 06:43 PM

Be true to your heart.

Be with the one you want to be with.

You can't have your cake and eat it too. You are going to have to let one go.

southerngalps · Jan 21, 2009, 06:45 PM

I know this situation happens.

That is why I am scared to death of getting married and getting my heart broken or breaking someone's heart.

rowanie · Jan 21, 2009, 07:03 PM

Thank you for your reply!

Somewhere, I know I can't have the cake and eat it too. Its till feels impossible to choose. I love my husband, and I love the other man as well - both just as much, but in different ways.

Ever since I met this other man, I've been playing films in my mind of how I would tell my husband I have found another. All endings sem impossible.

Getting married isn't the final happy ending to a relationship, I've found out. Whether you're married or not, you are not immune to Live Happening: you may find yourself in love with another. I did. Much as I didn't want it.

So, I still don't know what to do... But thank you for your reply, I'll think about it. (And I know, I'll have to let one of them go... )

southerngalps · Jan 21, 2009, 07:06 PM

Come up with a decision fast before things get more complicated :)

Nothing sexual is happening with the other man; right? If so... you need to tell your husband right away.

Which one makes you happier?

itried · Jan 21, 2009, 07:06 PM

At one point, didn't you feel the same feelings for your husband as you now feel for this new man? If so, what makes you think the outcome won't be the same if you choose the new guy? If not, could it be boredom and familiarity with your husband that is causing the attraction? I really think that this should be a decision based on reason instead of emotion. After all, you're not just dating anymore.

rowanie · Jan 21, 2009, 07:08 PM

(I saw a few typos: "All endings seem impossible" and "Life Happening" is what it should be.)

southerngalps · Jan 21, 2009, 07:08 PM

[QUOTE=itried;1500651]At one point, didn't you feel the same feelings for your husband as you now feel for this new man? If so, what makes you think the outcome won't be the same if you choose the new guy?QUOTE]

Exactly... then moving on to the new man only to find out that she probably shouldn't of left her first love.

rowanie · Jan 21, 2009, 07:13 PM

southerngalps, yes, I should come up with a solution before it gets more complicated! Nothing (sexual) has happened yet. The 'new' one makes me happier (probably because my husband has been suffering from depression since when we met, and isn't too happy to be with).

itried, no, I didn't feel this way about my husband. There is a sense of security about him, that I have never felt with my husband. I recognise the 'being in love' thing, but there is also something else.

You may be right that I could make a decision based on reason here.

itried · Jan 21, 2009, 07:16 PM

Then don't you think it's kind of hypocritical to leave him because he isn't too happy right now. He is after all, in a state of depression. I'm sure you probably weren't a pleasure to be around when you were going through your issues with anorexia. I'm not trying to be harsh, but the fact that you state it in such a way indicates that you are clearly running on emotions here. Also, what type of security are you speaking of?

Dare81 · Jan 21, 2009, 07:17 PM

Originally Posted by rowanie

Thank you for your reply!

Somewhere, I know I can't have the cake and eat it too. Its till feels impossible to choose. I love my husband, and I love the other man as well - both just as much, but in different ways.

Ever since I met this other man, I've been playing films in my mind of how I would tell my husband I have found another. All endings sem impossible.

Getting married isn't the final happy ending to a relationship, I've found out. Whether you're married or not, you are not immune to Live Happening: you may find yourself in love with another. I did. Much as I didn't want it.

So, I still don't know what to do... But thank you for your reply, I'll think about it. (And I know, I'll have to let one of them go...)

Wow this s a tough one.Are you just attracted to the other man because your husband is going through a lean path, or is it more than that. You need to ask yourself that. The grass is always greener on the other side.
Good Luck

talaniman · Jan 21, 2009, 07:17 PM

Talaniman Rule- Never let your heart, speak louder than your brain.

The way I deal with it is to stay within the bounds of good behavior, and don't mess with anyone I can't introduce to my wife. That has worked for more than 30 years.

You may not be able to help how you feel, and that's okay. You can control what you do about those feelings, that's up to you.

Tread carefully, as the consequences of bad behavior are profound, and its some great attractions going now, but will they sustain you... for life? Doubt it.

Cope with your feelings in a positive responsible way, even if that means cutting contact with this other fellow.

rowanie · Jan 21, 2009, 07:31 PM

itried, I understand you aren't trying to be harsh. I very much appreciate clarity and honesty at this stage.

My husband is coming out of his depression, but has been lika a black hole for years. (I was no fun to be with during my down period, either.) I still am not sure what part of him is depression, and what is truly himself. His mother says he has always ben like this. And honestly, I can't live with that. Perhaps I fell for the "I can change him"-thing...

The type of security I'm speaking of is an intuitive feeling, that whatever comes, this person will be OK. I don't feel that way about my husband. (With my husband, I constantly feel the need to help him cope, help him manage life's situations, because otherwise, he'll end up a wreck... )

itried · Jan 21, 2009, 07:40 PM

I think I understand. Were you always unwilling to live with this aspect of your husbands personality or did it become unbearable at the onset of this new relationship? I think that we all feel that the grass is always greener on the other side. The problem is, you'll never know until you leave your husband and find out what this guy really is about. And if it all blows up in your face, what then? I can understand how you are feeling. It's not a good problem to have.

friend4u178 · Jan 21, 2009, 07:40 PM

The grass may look greener on the other side , but that's not always the case once you've jumped the fence.

I'd suggest being very careful with this decision as your obviously emotionally tied to something that you seem you can't have .

Dare81 · Jan 21, 2009, 07:41 PM

Originally Posted by rowanie

itried, I understand you aren't trying to be harsh. I very much appreciate clarity and honesty at this stage.

My husband is coming out of his depression, but has been lika a black hole for years. (I was no fun to be with during my down period, either.) I still am not sure what part of him is depression, and what is truly himself. His mother says he has always ben like this. And honestly, I can't live with that. Perhaps I fell for the "I can change him"-thing...

The type of security I'm speaking of is an intuitive feeling, that whatever comes, this person will be OK. I don't feel that way about my husband. (With my husband, I constantly feel the need to help him cope, help him manage life's situations, because otherwise, he'll end up a wreck...)

If he has been depressed for years, you must have know this when both of you were dating.Did you think marriage was going to make him come out of his depression? Sounds like this marriage was doomed from the very beginning

rowanie · Jan 21, 2009, 07:58 PM

itried, thank you again for your clarity. I was always unwilling to live with these aspects of my husband's personality. I thought they would get better as our relationship got better, or as I got better. They did not. Even before I met the other person, I was contemplating explaining what I can, and can not, live with.

I am aware that the new guy has issues too( though not as serious. As I said, I feel secure). Perhaps it will 'blow up in my face'. I can't know. That's the problem: I want to follow my heart, but my heart is very double in this...

rowanie · Jan 21, 2009, 08:02 PM

Dare81, I did think that marriage would change him for the better... And it didn't. We all do the things we think are the best at that point in time, don't we...

Him and I, we have a good relationship, when it isn't clouded by depression. But I am worried because I don't feel confident he will ever come through, since it's been a part of his personality for years. And I can't live with that! (still I love him as a person... )

itried · Jan 21, 2009, 08:05 PM

So there hasn't been a viable alternative to your husband until the appearance of this new man. Now that he is here, you're able to finally put your finger on what it is exactly that you've wanted all along. I think this happens a lot. I don't want to give any outright advice, just facilitate your thinking process. In all honesty, the choice is really up to you. You just have to do whatever it is that you feel is right.

rowanie · Jan 21, 2009, 08:15 PM

itried, thank you again for clarity and honesty. I thank you also for facilitating my thinking process. I still don't know what I will do, but I will keep thinking, and weighing...